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What I Would Want My Girlfriend To Get Me For Valentine’s Day

I call my mujer, “Princess.” She is my queen. My chikibaby. YES LAWD, I LOVE MY WOMAN. She’s my sun, my moon, y el chile verde en mis tacos. Valentine’s Day is coming, and she already knows I’m gonna treat her. 

I’mma take her michelada tasting and we’re gonna drink the finest miches. And when we get home there’ll be rose petals leading up to the bed, which will have a plate con una torta ahogada and two forks. One for me. One for her. 

But, you know what, fam, I’m a little jealous. She deserves ALL the Valentine’s love but you know, sometimes a boy wants to feel like a princess, too. Like, no mames. I know you ladies gotta smell us, and pretend like we’re fine like Diego Luna and all that but it’s 2020 maybe this is the year the boys get to be chiquiados? No se. Piénsalo.

This is my list of things I would like my bae to get me for Valentine’s (a boy can dream).

Chiquear Your Man Gift Idea #1: Amor Eterno Tee

OMG. This shirt is too cute. GET THIS FOR YOUR MANS. Please. This artist is super chingón and has been blowing up all over L.A. Also, this shirt will remind your guy that he is stuck to you now, and always. And if he says, “Pero, baby, we’ve only been dating 8 months…” It’s NOW AND ALWAYS CABRÓN.

Chiquear Your Man Gift Idea #2: Guacardo Loves Pizza Joggers

Going out is for singles. Eso ya no me pertenece. These joggers, mi chikibaby, and the remote is all I need to have a FIRE-ass night. If you love your man — set him free. Let him be comfortable in his pajama and I guarantee this will lead to snuggle action. And who knows where the night might go from there….bow wow chika wow wow????. (Haha nah, I’m kidding. Grow up cochinos.)

Chiquear Your Man Gift Idea #3: San Marcos Fleece Blanket

Here’s my fantasy: I’m shivering on the couch trying to watch “Narcos: Mexico.” Suddenly my bae turns to me (in slow motion) and says, “Quieres que te tape, baybeh?” I’m like, “Si, baybeh. Porfis.” She pulls out this blanket. It has that iconic tigre on it. I’m instantly cozy and calientito like a caldo de pozole. We make out for 47 minutes. The next episode of “Narcos: Mexico” plays and I didn’t catch a damn thing from the previous episode…pero me vale. 

Chiquear Your Man Gift Idea #4: I’m Falling For You Tee

Pobre del Edgar. That dude will always be remembered as the kid who was super scared of falling. But I was never afraid to fall…in love with my girl (you’re looking at that last line like, “YA GUEY….YAAAA GUEEYYYYYY!!!” Okay, okay, okay, SORRY. I had to. But in all seriousness this shirt makes me laugh. If my girl got me this, I would know deep in my heart that she understands me. Trust me, don’t get a man roses (those are a pedorro gifts to us). We want this shirt.

Chiquear Your Man Gift Idea #5: Guacardo Plushie

No mames. Guys pretend they’re too macho to have a pinche monito de Guacardo… until their girl catches them in the middle of hugging Guacardo in their room while they’re scrolling through pictures of enchiladas together on Instagram. If you ask your man if he’d want this and he says no, tell him, “No te hagas, cabrón,” and get it for him anyway. Guacardo is an icon, and if you ever find yourself in an argument with your man, I guarantee you’ll always be able to stop the fight by saying, “Stop yelling in front of our child!” And the moment he looks into Guacardo’s awkward-ass he’ll forget what you were fighting about. And you’ll have a makeup make-out session for 47 minutes.

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