The Laziest Food Hacks In All Of The Land Would Send Your Abuela To The Chancla
There is no way around it: the secret to good cooking is paciencia, letting things simmer, allowing the ingredients to melt together in perfect harmony. Ask any abuelita if she uses the microwave for cooking and she will give you a face of no mames, mijito. Latin American food, in particular, is deceptively complex and needs to follow both carefully written family recipes and plenty of panza. Yes, us Latinos cook not only with our hands but also with our spirit: every plate of mole or arepas is representative of culture and history. Each dish is the product of processes of colonization and mixing of indigenous and European cultures. Ingredients like corn, potatoes, tomatoes, and beans, which are endemic to the American continent, coexist with pork, beef and eggs, imported by the Europeans centuries ago.
However, we seem to live in a day and age where having things ahorita, era para ayer, is wanted rather than rejected. Fast food and fast cooking are a response to our turbulent and fast-paced modern lives. It sucks, though. Cooking is about feeding our bodies and our souls, so nada de atajos en la cocina, chaparritos, porfas. Here are 20 folks who just don’t get that cocinar necesita paciencia and totally savaged tradition by employing lazy tactics and hacks. Shame on them! Also, using extra plastic in the kitchen is honestly terrible in this juncture of worldwide environmental crisis.
Let’s make it clear right here and right now! Tortillas DO NOT FREEZE WELL!
If you want to have a cardboard tasting thing that looks like a Mexican spring roll, go ahead. Or you can fry your own taquitos with fresh ingredients.
Ketchup on Mexican Rice? Cue Laura Bozzo voice: QUE PASE EL DESGRACIADO!
This is an insult to tradition and an abomination. Who would cook Mexican rice with ketchup, which is basically sugar on steroids. Asquito!
Packaged arepas are OK, we guess, but stuff them yourself!
Buying this atrocity is as silly as buying pre-made quesadillas. And in all honesty, pre-made food rarely uses the best cheese options. So just buy arepas (or make them fresh!), buy a nice queso and stuff them with tus dos manitas, que para eso te las dieron, chaparrito.
Whoever freezes pico de gallo doesn’t deserve to eat it!
Pico de gallo salsa is delicious because of its freshness. Whoever is trying to freeze it here (using this lazy ass baggy opener, like yeah, let’s waste even more plastic and kill more marine life) deserves the soggy, stale mess they will eat when the pico de gallo thaws.
The dude who uses instant oats for his version of arroz con leche
Ay, no manches. Really, oats will never taste like an arroz con leche that has been simmering on the stove for two hours. Never, ever, nunca de los nuncas. Please do not try at home.
This person who used Doritos to make their own version of chilaquiles
Can we barf already? If you can go to the shops to buy Doritos you can as easily buy tortilla chips! Or better still, buy corn tortillas, cut them in triangles and fry them. It is not that hard, seriously!
Don’t be lazy and make a pastel azteca instead
Lasagna sheets are the laziest trick on the book. You can as easily buy flour tortillas and make a pastel azteca. And let us guess, you bought taco seasoning instead of actually making it yourself? Get off your trasero and stock your herbs and spices shelf, reinita.
Seriously, microwave quesadillas have to STOP! PERO YA!
Look at this gooey mess. Seriously, it is not that hard or time-consuming to hear up el comal and make your quesadilla there. A good quesadilla has a slightly crunchy tortilla and not this soggy, sad excuse of a wrap. GUACALA!
We just can’t let this go! There are even video tutorials for microwave quesadillas!
Damn, how menso do you have to be to actually need a video tutorial on how to put two tortillas, cheese, and ham together. In the 2 minutes that this video lasts, anyone can actually make a proper queca!
Seriously? A can of black beans for arroz con frijoles negros?
The Cuban abuelitas of the world would be disgusted at this! Black beans have to be bought raw, cleaned, left to rest in water overnight and then cooked slowly and tenderly, as garlic caresses their surface. Any good Latino knows this.
Just stop it with fajita seasoning mixes!
OK. Just open your cupboards and mix these eight simple ingredients instead of tasting preservatives with every bite:
- 4 teaspoons chili powder.
- 2 teaspoon ground cumin.
- 2 teaspoon paprika.
- 2 teaspoon salt.
- 2 teaspoon sugar.
- 1 teaspoon garlic powder.
- 1 teaspoon onion powder.
- 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
Simpler, and much cheaper. You are welcome.
Talking about fajitas…. this is some lazy person. And seriously, salad dressing?
We have seen it all, but seriously… Paul Newman’s salad dressing on fajitas. Also… prepackaged veggies? So many wrongdoings here, in culinary and environmental terms!
Ya en serio, y’all need a tutorial to open a jar?
Granted, making mole from scratch is time-consuming and sometimes the best way to tackle the craving is opening a good old jar. But this is not cooking, in all seriousness, it is merely putting things together. If you need a tutorial to panfry some pollo and add broth and a jar of mole, perhaps you should not be allowed en la cocina.
The people who use esta atrocidad
One of the greatest joys of Latin American cooking is feeling the ingredients on your hands. Corn is fun to cook with, so why use this horrible device instead of a knife. No sean flojos. And it probably takes longer to use this than actually using your manitas.
Y miren esto!
Aguacates have been one of the biggest victims of the gentrification of Latin American food. Does anyone need a tool for cutting them? Those pinches hipsters. NO MORE PLASTIC WASTE, PLEASE.
Yeah, kill whales with your plastic empanada maker, no worries.
Among the stupidest tools we have seen this must be high on the ranking. If you want to make a nice Argentinian empanada, use your fingers to create those lovely dobleces. One of the great things about Argentinian cuisine is how rustic it looks, so this is a travesty that, to add insult to injury, harms the planet.
Cut your own dang mushrooms!
If you want to make your quesadillas and enchiladas a bit healthier, you can always add mushrooms. Just sauté them with oil and garlic y chilito and you got it. But please, please, please, slice your own mushrooms and save the planet from more cochina plastic waste.
And peel your own damn elotes!
The same goes for corn! Take the fresh corn. Take the husk off. Get those pelos de elote in the trash can and rinse the corn. Easy as you lazy ass!
Poor guacamole, the victim of so many cultural appropriation crimes… yes, mayonnaise…
This infamous recipe promises that it will only take you 5 minutes to achieve a creamy guac. But it uses mayonnaise, which we frankly think is disgusting. If you want creamy guacamole, add a bit of olive oil and mix, then add a bit more until it is to your liking.
The famous spring pea and avocado guacamole recipe
This recipe triggered a national debate on what guacamole actually is. It promises a chunky texture, which can be achieved instead by adding chopped onion and tomato. This is a mix between pea mash and our Mexican staple dish, and we really take offense.