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What It’s Like To Process A Miscarriage According To Women On Reddit

A miscarriage can be a devastating experience for pregnant women and their partners. Typically occurring during the first trimester, or first three months, of a person’ss pregnancy, miscarriages can happen for a variety of medical reasons outside of a person’s control and can cause a mixture of mental health issues including anxiety and guilt.

Worst of all, it can make people feel extremely alone.

Women on Reddit are attempting to offer comfort and solidarity to women who’ve experienced miscarriages and the shares and messages of support are truly powerful.

We’ve picked some of the comments and shared them below.

“I honestly did not care. I felt it was nature’s/ the universe’s way of saying something was wrong. I don’t even think about it. I have a friend who miscarried two years ago at roughly the same pregnancy time frame and she named her daugther, had a funeral, and moderates a support group for pregnancy loss. I hate to be one of those ‘everyone is different’ people but yeah.”- flyingcatpotato

“A miscarriage is a time of grief and bereavement. How exactly that plays out for an individual will very much depend on their own personality and their relationship to their unborn child. You can expect a range of emotions, depression, anger, hopelessness, numbness, fear, guilt and so on.

The physical toll can also impact the emotional toll, Miscarriages are painful and bloody, and managing your grief while also managing your health is tiring, you will be sleep deprived, in pain and and on edge. I read a post on twox a while ago from a women experiencing a miscarriage, She managed to sum up every emotion I think I would personally experience. I don’t remember the exact quote, so it’s heavily paraphrased. ‘I’ve had to scrape 14 golf ball sized lumps of tissue out of my pants, and at every moment I have to stop and wonder when or if I have just flushed my baby down the toilet’ You can imagine how hard that must be. But every women is different.” – mundabit

“The major differences in reaction, based on what I’ve seen anyway, seem to depend largely on their relationship to the baby, their relationship to pregnancy in general, and how far into the pregnancy the miscarriage happens. A late-term pregnancy is pretty much always traumatic. It’s hard on your body, for one thing. You’ve also had months and months of planning for this baby, hoping for this baby, rearranging your life around this baby, and you’ve probably been talking about names. It’s a very real loss. An early miscarriage depends more on the individual. If you really wanted to get pregnant and had already bonded with the idea of the baby, you feel a loss. If you had difficulty conceiving, it’s devastating, like the loss of a dream. If you didn’t want to get pregnant but had decided not to abort, you might feel a weird mix of relief, guilt at feeling relief, and a twinge of sadness you can’t quite place. You might have some hormonal weirdness. You might feel nothing at all. Miscarriages are also intensely personal. People don’t really talk about them. There’s no script for dealing with someone who’s had one. So you really have to let them take the lead on what you do about it. If you’re close, ask how they feel about it and what you can do to support them. If you’re not, say “I’m sorry,” maybe ask if they need anything, and otherwise take your cue from them as best you can.” –caramellow

“I think it very much depends on how far into the pregnancy you were (4 weeks is very different from four months, for example) and how attached you were to the baby or how much you wanted to have a child. I have had multiple chemical pregnancies (very early miscarriages) and they were not traumatic in the least. However, if someone had just found out at the same time as me, told their whole family, and been thrilled because they’d been trying to conceive for a long time…very different reaction. Also, once you’ve seen the ultrasound and grown attached to the feeling of a future person living inside you, it becomes more difficult.” –papercate

“For me, it was a very non-emotional response. Like, ‘Huh, I guess that DNA wasn’t going to create an actual person.’ But for some of my friends, it was completely devastating. This is one thing that really does seem to cover the entire spectrum.” –searedscallops

“Ive experienced 3 miscarriages in my life. The first two I was really depressed and didn’t feel worthy enough to be a mother. It wasn’t necessarily because of the pain as much as I was fearing for my future. What if I couldn’t have any kids? What do I tell my future husband? My last one was a relief with a tinge of sadness and guilt. It was a rape baby.. And even though I was relieved when I lost it, I still felt bad that I wished that upon a life that didn’t deserve or ask to be here.” –tigerlilybeauty

“Female here and we went thru 2 miscarriages before we had daughter. Notice i stressed ‘we.’ Remember that you both lost a baby. With that being said, sometimes we want to talk, sometimes just trying to process it all, sometimes no talking is needed just quietness and hugs. Everyone handles miscarriages differently. We found out at 12wk, we hadn’t even planned on telling anyone until 20wks just in case, we waited until our late 30s to have kids. We definitely were in shock but later that night after a movie we hugged and cried. My best advice is talk to her and ask her. Just hold each other. Also ask yourself how you feel and what do you need. Neither of you are alone and you have each other.” –Flyingplaydoh

“Also someone who has had a miscarriage. Also an OR nurse. All of the above but from a physical stand point make sure you watch how much she’s bleeding. If you’re concerned at all that it’s too much go to the ER. My miscarriage was early and even though my baby was small the contractions were very physically painful. Again, if it gets to be too much, go to the hospital. Hold each other. Be with each other. Cry as much as you want. Or don’t. I know my husband was so in shock he didn’t cry until several weeks later. Tell people when you’re ready. I had a hard time blaming myself for the miscarriage. Nothing either of you did made this happen. If it gets to be too overwhelming seek out some professional mental health help for her and for yourself. It made a world a difference for me AND my husband.” –pax_et_veritas

“It get’s better over time OP. My wife and I are trying for our first child, have resorted to IVF, and have had two ectopic pregnancies in a row. Cry it out, support her, and realize that it’s so very emotional for her that it will creep into her overall emotional state for some time. Be as patient as you can!” –SANcapITY

“I’ve had two miscarriages, both around 6/7 weeks. First one they knew pretty much right away it was going downhill. Second one was more so being strung along wondering what had to happen. Both times I ended up needing very minor surgery (called a D&C) to remove retained tissue from my uterus. The best thing my husband did when we officially got the news the first time is cry with me. He isn’t a very emotional guy and avoids showing strong emotions when they come up, but it was nice to just hug and cry together for a bit. Made me feel like we were together in our grief with this. Being a ‘strong shoulder to cry on’ is great in some circumstances, but personally if he tried to hide his emotions through this I would have been really upset. I would have wondered why he didn’t care, why it didn’t affect him. So my advice is to share your feelings with your wife and don’t be afraid of being together in a low place for a while. Be open and honest with each other as much as possible. If she’s asking for space, give her space. It’s really hard to deal with pregnancy loss as a woman because even though you logically know nothing you do directly caused this to happen, it feels like your body had betrayed you. It’s suppose to be able to do this and it fucked everything up. It’s hard not to feel guilty and like you ruined everything. Ruined the happiness of your husband, your family, your friends, and now your SF trip. She may just need some time to sort through her head and to not feel like her brokenness is a burden on you. Be there in a way that makes her still feel loved. The ‘love languages’ seem stupid but I really think there is a lot to them. I need physical touch so having my husband rub my back, kiss my forehead, or cuddle makes me feel loved. He likes quality time and ‘acts of service’ like running an errand for him. What is her preference? Show non-verbally that she isn’t still broken and that you still love her through this.

Most importantly, don’t forget about yourself. It’s very easy for this to be seen as a ‘women’s problem’ and the guy just has to support his grieving wife. Both of you are grieving, you both need support. I found it really helpful for me to have others to talk to (r/miscarriage initially and then through that I found r/ttcafterloss). Knowing other people are in the same circumstance and how they deal with certain challenges was invaluable. My husband just told two friends through text but didn’t really talk about it much, he wanted it acknowledged and didn’t think it needed to be a secret… but also didn’t want it to be this big thing. Find what works for you. Take care of yourself and allow your wife to take care of you if she needs to. It’s easy to feel helpless and having others to help is nice. If someone tells you it “just wasn’t meant to be” or “part of God’s plan” or any other bullshit dismissal… feel free to punch them in the throat, or at least tell her you were tempted since no one should belittle the loss of a pregnancy with some kind of qualifier. That shit hurts.” –Squibege

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From No-Sleep Lifestyles To ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey,’ People Talk About The Toxic Things We Tend To Glamorize

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From No-Sleep Lifestyles To ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey,’ People Talk About The Toxic Things We Tend To Glamorize

Summit Entertainmen

“Being able to function with minimal levels of sleep. I know I used to do that, it feels so much better to get a full night of rest though.”- iimuffinsaur

“This is my mom. I’m a very heavy sleeper. I don’t function without at least 8 – 9 hours a night. She often makes snarky comments about how she was awake at 3:30 am and working while I slept until 5. God forbid I stay in bed until 6 on a Sunday! Then I’m no better than a bum!”- Smart-Connection6154

“When I was in middle school I had stayed up all night like with friends or something and thought the feeling the next day was pretty cool and funny. did it in high school a few times here and there especially in the summer and again I was so cool. Stayed up all night a few times throughout college, either partying, hang out with friends, or studying. I would still function the next day so obviously it was no big deal just sometimes be sleep deprived. I knew what sleep deprivation felt like, I knew what exhaustion felt like. It wasn’t that bad.

Fast forward to early 30s and I’m a new mom. On more than one occasion I can recall sitting on the bathroom floor with my knees drawn up to my chest, sobbing, I can hear my daughter crying in her crib middle of the afternoon, I can feel my organs wanting to shut down and my whole body desperately trying to turn off. Mentally I was absolutely terrified that I was never again going to get to sleep. That’s no exaggeration. I was terrified out of my mind. I really did truly believed that I was dying. It had been months of nights where I was woken up every 45 minutes, only to be up for at least an hour. I was truly considering myself lucky if I got 3 hours of very broken sleep. Even before my daughter came, the third trimester I was up four or five times a night because I have an overactive bladder that was made worse by pregnancy.

When my second came along, I would have anxiety attacks about the impending sleep deprivation that I knew was going to be coming. My kids are older now, they sleep through the night no problem, if they have to get up and go to the bathroom they go themselves and if they do wake me up it’s maybe once a month. And yet I still start to panic if I can’t fall asleep at night or if I wake up during the night and can’t go back to sleep in a timely fashion. I’m so afraid of ever experiencing that level of sleep deprivation again.

Sleep deprivation is no joke.”- girlwhoweighted

“And boasting that you work 60 hours a week and never take any holidays or sick leave.”- _harro_

“If you work super duper hard and dedicate your entire life to your career you become rich! Everybody knows that! All the rich company owners told us that’s how it’s done so it must be true. They are rich after all.”- DarthTheRaider

“My job says if u call out more than 3 times you get an occurrence (basically a mark for disciplinary action). This also applies to being late. There are also a number of ways at work to get a mark as well. 4 occurrences is a warning, 5 is written warning, and 6 is termination. Meaning if you’re just having a very bad year and need to call out more than normal, you’re out of a job. I literally come into work sick because I’m terrified I’ll have some kind of windfall and need to call out in a no choice situation.

These also affect your ability to get promoted which I am trying to do. And even then it’s no guarantee. I’ve called out once in the last 12 months because I’m trying to get a new job that I’m easily qualified for but competing against fatigue worshippers who haven’t called out in years. There were a couple of times I was literally puking in the bathroom I was so sick but didn’t want to call out or go home (going home early is an occurrence).

You may say find a new job, but there are no jobs right now that pay this well. Don’t get me wrong, the pay is great for where I live and I actually like (eh maybe more tolerate easily?) the job. It’s just their culture I can’t stand.”- MasterPip 

“I’m in academia and remember in grad school being so intimidated by postdocs who kept insisting they had so much to do they worked all weekends, couldn’t take vacations, stressed all the time, etc. And this was in Europe so not a crazy work obsession like in the USA!

Made me feel so nervous that I wasn’t cut out for it because I was only doing regular hours, and now that I’m a postdoc myself I can now say those people were just insane. Maybe if you’re in a field where you need to be in the lab for research to happen it’s different, but in mine I’d say you either have terrible working habits or say yes to a ton of stuff you shouldn’t if you’re working 60+ hours every week.”- Andromeda321

“the whole idea of being a ”hustler” and never staying off the grind is extremelly toxic. everyone keeps promoting that you should always work and be productive but that just won’t work. everyone needs a balance in their lives and putting your 95% of effort into working will just drain every bit of inspiration or fun from you.”- taeslid

“I belonged to an internet group with a member who did this ALL THE TIME. No matter the topic of discussion, from working out to watching the Oscars on TV, she would always be inform the rest of us that she had no time for such things because of her job.

She worked as a communications specialist at a small town hospital.”- haloarh

“I think the most jarring part of this paradigm is that the people humble-bragging about how hard they worked and how successful they are never take the time to address the value of:

  • simple good luck (good health, good circumstances, right place right time)
  • waiting

The message is always “look at how good I’ve got it, and all because I worked so hard [implicitly harder than you because I have this and you do not therefore you must not be doing the hard work that I do]”. Obviously there is a value to working smarter not harder and capitalising on opportunities but it overlooks the basic principle that so much must have gone right for them that is beyond their control for which they now take credit.

The waiting point is a big one for me as well. People who espouse this “hard work, constant graft” attitude fail to acknowledge that sometimes in life there is a value derived from the passage of time. Sure some people get lucky and make millions at a young age or become grotesquely famous due to some twist of public interest but for most people there is a real life value in the experience gained through living your life and just turning up. You don’t need to constantly thrash yourself into moving 100mph, you don’t need to beat yourself down for taking some time to catch your breath and actually enjoy life. Sometimes you just have to keep turning the wheel for a bit, maybe it’s a few years in a job that is really good for your career or a few years just putting money in the piggybank so you can buy your first house.

We live in a world that has commercialised success stories, the narrative that you can go from “nothing” to “something” in a relatively short time using the power of your supreme genius and superhuman work ethic is saleable, on social media (celebs on instagram), in magazines, on TV etc etc. Obviously some people do hit a booster and go very fast very quickly but for just about 99.9% of us that’s a fallacy. Sometimes all you need to do is keep working at a healthy, sustained pace and focus on enjoying your time on this planet because there are no bonus points for working yourself into a state of misery.”- aightshiplords

“Severe codependent “romance”. Twilight is a good example of an extreme case of this.

Also, manipulative, possessive, and controlling behavior in a romantic partner.”- tygs42

“Yeah, what the fuck was that “break into her room at night and watch her sleep” crap?

bUt ItS TwOo LoVE!

Bullshit! it’s stalking and it’s creepy.
Him being over a hundred years old doesn’t make it any better either.”- Ruadhan2300

“Also Fifty Shades. You don’t want a Mr Grey, Karen. Women who get a Mr Grey end up in the morgue or in the women’s refuge after fleeing for their lives.”- house_autumn

“Damaged bad boys do not take breakups very well in fiction. See: Anakin Skywalker, Edward Cullen, Christian Grey, etc.”- SamaritanPrime

“Kind of along these lines, when a guy is an asshole to everyone except his girlfriend, it doesn’t mean that she’s special to him. It means he knows how to not be an asshole just enough to convince someone that he isn’t an asshole.”- SmartAlec105

“I remember my mother trying that. It backfired spectacularly when she realized I was enjoying the peace and quiet, so she just beat the shit out of me again.”- PotentialRegister8

“Ah, that was my mom…refusing to speak to me for days sometimes and I usually didn’t know why. At the time it was so stressful and I would spend that time crying and walking on eggshells trying not to upset her further. Now I’m like, uh this was going on from the time I can remember, which was 4 years old and she was an adult…who does that?!”- ummugh

“Twilight. It’s not really a healthy relationship.”- BandicootCrustybuns

“A couple I went to school with used to proudly compare their relationship to Joker and Harley Quinn.

I blame the Suicide Squad movie. It didn’t show off the absolute tragedy of Harley’s relationship with Joker and I’d say it glamourised it more than anything.”- loneOstrich

“The book/movie that really stands out for me is the 50 Shades series. He’s only sexy/romantic because he’s rich. If he were poor and got rid of her car without asking, tossed all of her clothes, tracked her phone, covered her in bruises/hickeys because he didn’t like how she behaves… He was a total shitbag…. Yet so many women thought that their relationship was amazing.”- DelicateIslandFlower

“I was raised by a single father and started to realize that when I didn’t obey out of fear or had my own arguments and opinions he kind of respected me and listened to me more. That caused me to have a very natural behaviour around men regarding my opinions.

I state them, I disagree and I am not afraid to be unlikable because of it. In the end it’s just an opinion and healthy discussions should endure this.

Also, people tend to listen to you if you are respectful, waiting for your turn to talk and state your opinion well spoken and calm, there’s no need to get hysterical or emotional because someone else disagrees with you. I feel oftentimes this might be a problem in discussions and in order to avoid that, women (no generalisation just because the question is aimed at women) often agree because they fear personal conflict.”- tingletangletits

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How Realizing Not Having To Be Agreeable Impacted These Women’s Lives

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How Realizing Not Having To Be Agreeable Impacted These Women’s Lives

Warner Bros. Pictures

So often as women, we find ourselves forced into the position of feeling as if we have to accommodate the feelings and desires of other people. We say “yes” to things when we want to actually say “no.” We smile when we feel sad or upset in order to make others feel comfortable. And more often than not we find ourselves contorting ourselves into being smaller to make others feel big.

Women on Reddit recently addressed the moment they realized they no longer had to do this in order to make others feel better.

The stories were pretty surprising! Check them out below.

“It’s become more clear as I’ve gotten older (hitting 30). Being forceful gets shit done. I don’t need people to like me, but I do need them to do their jobs. It’s worked for slumlord landlords (reporting code violations) and shitty coworkers (refusal to participate in busywork projects).

Being excessively agreeable wastes your time and costs you money. No, I’m not attending wedding or baby showers for acquaintances. No, I’m not buying whatever multilevel marketing crap acquaintances are pushing. No, I do not want to hold your baby.

It also sets you up for shitty, unsatisfying relationships. Potential partner, I am not a maid nor the fun director of the cruise ship that is your life. Handle your own shit.

Focusing on myself has allowed me to achieve my goals.”- SnackHardNapHard

“YES. I turned 30 last year and I started becoming less concerned about being “nice.” When you’re used to being agreeable and a people pleaser, it’s a tough transition, but I’m staying the course.”- 

“Being agreeable and having boundaries can happen at the same time. I feel like I’m constantly evaluating the opportunity cost of saying yes/ being agreeable. Sometimes it’s really no big deal to be agreeable and it doesn’t make you a doormat. Sometimes it’s important to take a stand for yourself and speak up.”- Potential_Sea_832

“Actually when I got cancer. I just started giving no fucks about dumb shit. I cut out toxic people like it was nothing. Wanna be dramatic? Block. Wanna demand i do something for you? Block. It was so freeing and easy. No regrets at all.” –SilentSiren39

“When I was about 9 and my parents divorced, (mid 80’s so this was unheard of), my little friend group thought something was wrong with me and they decided to ostracize me. I vividly remember being on the playground and thought ‘fuck that shit’ and walked off to find new friends. From then on I give no fucks and take no shit.”- McWonderWoman

“100% agree. Honestly I think today was the first time I really truly had an authoritative vibe going on during a meeting. I’ve been at my job for almost 4 years and I’m 30 years old. When I first started, I sat in the meetings taking notes and just listening. Now I’m able to call out people on their shit while still being likable at the end of the day. I think either of the two extremes aren’t as useful as being friendly AND direct. Sad that it took me this long to feel comfortable in these shoes though!”- stripedbathmat

“I thought that I was being “nice” and “cool” and “a good friend” by never having an opinion on anything and always saying “I want to do whatever you want to do!” and “I want to eat whatever you want to eat!”

I would visit friends and I honestly thought I was being “cool” and “easygoing” by having zero plans for what to do while I’m there and making the host make all the decisions.

At some point it began to dawn on me how fucking ANNOYING it was to be around someone who goes out of their way to avoid having an opinion on things. I realized it was a defense mechanism I had built up over decades of living in a house where if you answered a question “wrong” you were harassed and taunted for the next year over it.

Once I realized that healthy, good people who ask you “Do you prefer tacos or Chinese for dinner tonight?” are ACTUALLY asking you and they are not laying in wait, ready to pounce on you and call you an piece of shit for answering the question “wrong” my life changed dramatically.

A person who has no opinion and only agrees with the group is not being “cool” and “easygoing” they are being a freaking door mat!! Probably because of some trauma or low self esteem (a mix of both for me).

Now if asked an honest question, I give an honest answer, and if someone freaks out then I realize that THEY are the one with issues, not me.”- FuckTon_of_Frosting

“For me, this moment happened when I was listening to a podcast called My Favorite Murder. Two women comedians telling stories of murder/crimes and talking about it respectfully the way you would talk to your friends. One episode they say “fuck politeness” in terms of you don’t have to be nice to strangers because you’re scared of seeming rude. It’s how a lot of women end up as victims of violent crime. Now I understand fuck politeness and it has made me so much more aware of my own self preservation and made me realize that people who react negatively to that are not people I want around me anyway. It’s been liberating and has helped my anxiety tremendously!”- Statistical-outlier1

“I’ve always been labeled as “challenging” by most people, especially teachers growing up. It’s gotten me in hot water a few times but the majority of the time, you gain respect. I stand up for myself and those around me that need it and don’t take crap. I don’t have time for toxic people or those who don’t treat me with any respect and it makes life so much easier without the drama. I still care deeply for the people in my life and make an effort to be well liked. But being a doormat doesn’t do you any favours.”- Scotty_Blues

“I never understood why i have to be agreeable to be honest… I was really bad at understanding social norms as a kid and it impacted my life in a lot of bad ways but there’s a lot of silver lining too… I realized a lot about myself and what im willing to put up with purely by Questioning things a lot, and the whole be a lady, be as small as possible, don’t be stubborn, that’s not how girls act, youll change your mind when youre older etc etc thing never made sense to me… It all seemed like it was made up to either stop me from having fun or to excuse people mistreating me (i was called stubborn a lot and i took it as a compliment every time cause it always happened when someone tried stomping a boundry for instance).

Then I grew up and realized it’s all stupid made up rules that exist to hold women down anyway. so yeah, im still dumb sometimes but at least i have enough confidence to not think misogyny is normal and i should put up with it…”- AvocadoBounty

“When it wasn’t about me. For some reason, I find it way easier to step up and say no when it was about other people. Like in college, when we were all out dancing and some creepy guy would start dancing up on me, I’d just go with it. But if a friend of mine was being creeped on, I’d cut in, tell him “no, she’s not interested” and move on. When I started work as a nurse, I realized this was even more important. I had to advocate for my patients because they can’t talk, or because I have information about the patient that the doctors making decisions didn’t. It didn’t matter if I was going against what the rest of the team or the patient’s family thought/wanted. My job was to uphold what the patient wanted.

As far as not being agreeable when it comes to myself, I’d say it was when I had a horrible breakup with my ex. He was the guy I thought I was going to marry, start a family with, and grow old together because he loved me. Turns out I was wrong. And after that, I had this horrible realization that no one (besides family) had my back…which was definitely depressing. but then I realized I could just have my own back, lol. So I started doing things that I wanted to do. I traveled to places I wanted to see. I went back to school for the degree I wanted. I invested and picked up the hobbies I wanted. and I never hesitate to spend money on myself, because fuck it. I’m worth it!”- lexi7171

“When my therapist gave me permission to hate the woman my ex completely destroyed me to be with – as long as I never actually acted on it (which I never have and never will because she didn’t do anything wrong that I can prove, I just fucking hate how her entire life has been perfect and full of money even though she’s basic af, unlike my ex or I). Hating her without reservation let me just…be. It almost gave me a sense of peace. I was never going to get closure from that donkey of an ex and the anonymous hate messages I used to get were definitely from this woman but allowing myself to stop saying “well I don’t want to hate on another woman since he’s the one who was a monster to me” and stopping giving her all these allowances let me see who he really was and how he treated me like shit compared to the way he is with her.”- FragrantEscape20

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