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Is Love Worth Really Moving Abroad For?

When it comes to love and the lengths we’re willing to go to pursue it, is it possible that Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell’s “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” defines the terms? In short, is there really a mountain too high to climb, a country too far to move to?

Recently, we came across a thread on Reddit that essentially defined the answer to this.

A user on Reddit asked women if it was worth moving to another country for love.

And the answers were pretty eyeopening.

Check them out below!

“He dumped me and I found myself alone in a foreign country. My nearest family was hours away, and my entire friend circle was through him. I was completely on my own, no family, no friends, nowhere to live.” –NotaFrenchMaid

“Hope you’re ok now. I moved round the world for a man and luckily it turned out well but I did worry about something like this happening. That was a crappy thing to do to you.” –57thofhername

“TBH that sounds fun. I mean probably not fun for the first couple of days or weeks but once you got the basic living situation figured out, it is a new exciting adventure.” –Internet-Troll

“I’m still here after almost 17 years, we’re still married, have two kids, I have dual citizenship and a career I love.” –

tacotirsdag

“I met him because he was my waiter (typically sad) but felt like I had met him before. We stayed in contact after my holiday and I went back to Spain to see him again, he came to England not long after that,he proposed I accepted and before I know it I’m moving to Spain. Very difficult after that but well worth it, he’s my my best friend and my soul mate have moved back to my home town and he is more popular than me here LOL.”- Jellytots977

“Moved from the US to Germany. Married almost 6 years, have a beautiful 2 year old, and I job I like (some days love). Better water and food standards, more affordable healthcare, better work/life balance, etc.

It’s not all roses. I do miss my family immensely and I’m always a little bit of a fish out of water. I’ll probably never totally fit in since I was born and raised in a different culture/language.”- khelwen

“Curious: Do you live in a Kleinstadt, Grosstadt, Dorf? How accepting are locals of you being American?”- PickOrChoose

“He turned out to be a lying asshole. I ended up back in my home country with no recent work history to be able to get a job, no friends as they’d all moved on, I lost half my possessions, and a few years older my chance to have children was greatly reduced following the whole thing.”- JayKayVay

“Fell in love with a bartender while on holiday. We dated long distance, exchanged letters, made plans to marry…it lasted 3 weeks after I actually arrived. No regrets though, it makes for a great story and the romance was incredible at the beginning. Life is too short for “what ifs” imo!”-brijaytee

“Absolutely awful. Worst mistake I ever made. Ignored a shitload of red flags, uprooted my life, ended up miserable and isolated for five years until I finally got the courage to divorce him and move home. Had to start my life all over again at 30something (which is for the best, but still – wish I could have learned the things I know now without going through the traumatic experience).”- 

agentdanascullyfbi

“Iwish I could have learned the things I know now without going through the traumatic experience. That would be the secret to life.”- whuttheeperson

“This is about how it ended up for my sister – she ended up incredibly isolated, financially/emotionally abused, and had to beg family (aka me) for a flight home while waiting for her divorce to be finalized.

She learned little to nothing from the experience, moved back to the same country to move in with a significantly younger guy (he was 17 when they started an emotional affair online, 18 when she moved there to live with him and his parents) and is currently making her way through a series of other, equally young guys while going to college and living in a studio apartment.

No one has her address, just what country she’s in, and she only contacts us to ask for money.”- 

Pm_me_some_dessert

“Turned out pretty perfect. I moved to be with him for almost 7 years. Had our first child there, then when I was pregnant with #2 moved back to my country and had one last kid. Coming up on our 10 year visa marriage in June and 5.5 years since we had the wedding we wanted. We are blissfully happy. He eventually wants us to move back to the US. I think we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”- 

dissolvedcrayon

“Absolutely terrible, I ignored the red flags (lies, emotional abuse and probably cheating) cause I was so in love and got pregnant too quickly (surprise!). I moved from a great independent life in France to go to the US where I was locked in the house without a car (no money) and no possibility to get a job (I had access only to minimum wage jobs cause I didn’t had money for my diploma equivalence and had to pay daycare if I wanted to work cause he couldn’t give me any schedule) he would regularly say I was lazy and since I didn’t had any money to pay the bills or rent I wasn’t allowed to have any opinions different than his. I was here to be his french maid.

I love my son more than anything in the world but if I was on my own I would have totally ditch that jerk earlier, emotional abuse turned quickly physical and of course listening to him all of it is my fault, he is the poor victim of my crazyness. I’m slowly getting back on my feet with the help of my family but I will be forever linked to him since he is the father of my child. Luckily he agreed on a divorce but between 2 countries and with a child (and no money still) I don’t know how we’re gonna make it.

I was dreaming of a love story without frontiers and bilingual children, I guess my only kid is bilingual but I really feel bad for putting him in that situation, and love stories are only in Disney movies. At least I learned a metric crap tonne from my huge mistakes!” –lulamee

“Moved from Australia to America to marry my American husband. We’ve been married about 3.5 years now and we have a baby girl!

I miss Australia heaps. But my husband and baby are worth it.”-

yiyiolivia

“Not my own story per se, but my mother moved countries for love and I consequently had to move with her. She divorced my dad in the end and wanted to go back to our home country but I had started school and made friends here already. We both ended up staying and honestly regardless of how hard things have been, it made our relationship stronger and changed our lives for the better.”- alealexzya

“I left him after 8 months and stayed for another two years. Was a very educational experience but I’m glad we broke up when we did.”-babypig67

“He dumped me in the middle of rural Qld literally just after we’d moved away from all my friends and a job I loved. You don’t realise how resilient you are until you have no one to rely on, no money and no way home on the opposite side of the world to your family. His mom bought him a ticket home, I got my head down and worked my way home, actually ended up making new friends along the way. He did me a favour. 0/10 for the love, 10/10 would visit those countries again.”-whirler_girl

“I moved from Canada to the US almost 5 years ago. I’ve never regretted it but the health insurance thing is way worse/more confusing than I was prepared for. We definitely plan on retiring in Canada for the health insurance.

Edit: I should note that I never once said “for the FREE health insurance”. Health care in the US is bad for reasons other than expense.” – hatredcrayon

“I moved to Canada from the US for the love… of health insurance, does this count?”-star9ho

“Turned out okay. We’re still married and trying to figure this adult thing out. Visa application is coming up soon so we’re both really stressed. Could be better but I don’t see how it could get worse.”- djtrgirluk

“Not me, but I studied abroad in England, at a campus that held a small group from two different universities in America. When I went, there were 20ish of us from the one campus, and one from the other, a girl who became my best friend while we were there. Now, her express purpose in studying abroad was to hook up with foreign hot guys, and she committed to this with aplomb. Every country we visited, she found the hottest guy and added a notch to her bedpost. Then, when were were nearing the end of the semester, a new guy moved to our village. When I say village, I mean that the college campus was situated at the edge of a congregation of thatched-roof houses that had been there since the Norman conquest. The nearest town was 2 miles away and also a very small town. We met this guy when he was newly arrived back at the village at the local pub. He told us that he was engaged and that his fiancee was in South Africa and flying back to England the following week… I expressed my concern, because sleeping around is one thing, cheating is another, but she didn’t seem to care. It caused a bit of a falling out, but since it was the end of our semester and we lived in different states back home, the idea of losing each others’ friendship didn’t seem like as big of a deal as it might have. We did eventually reconcile and I have seen her a number of times in the years since. BUT the thing is that I was totally wrong. The dude dumped his fiancee as soon as she arrived, and made things official with my friend. She ended up staying in England, never flew back with the rest of us, and has been living in that tiny village the last 13 years. They celebrated their ten year wedding anniversary, according to Facebook, a few weeks ago. I didn’t go to the wedding, despite the fact that she joked while we were arguing that night 13 years ago that I would be her maid of honor when ‘[he]’ turned out to be the One.”-MelissaOfTroy

“Great! We have been together for 8 years, lived in three different countries, married for 2 years, and just had our first kid a month ago.”-Monztur

“I moved temporarily, not permanently. Found him “browsing” Tinder ‘just for fun’ in the second month. Salvaged the rest of my time there but was pretty happy to GTFO.”- seracserac

“Yep still good. We work together to build the life we want. It’s a success mainly because we don’t have kids.”- modmodmot

“Eventually I realized I wasn’t actually in love, and actually was definitely a lesbian, and I broke up with him and moved back to my home country. I did meet a lot of good people and master another language and really get to know a very wonderful city and country in the process though, so I don’t really regret it.” – sillysandhouse

“It is great. We have been living together for 4 years and planning to spend the rest of our lives together. I don’t regret moving for him.”- Tynulinka

“Three years here. So far so good. Even in the event the relationship comes to an end, I plan to stay. Much better options here than home country.”-JgJay21

“His true colours showed. He was possessive, abusive and controlling. I ended up having to plan an elaborate escape back home.”- Reddit user

“He had an affair in the first month and knocked her up. So not too good.”-lydiakks

“Not me, but my friend and then-roommate. She moved from NYC to Mexico to be with her former high school boyfriend with whom she had reconnected (he went to school in the US, where his father lives still, but was originally from Mexico and the rest of his family lived there).

Turns out the family was involved in drug cartels. He was totally nuts. Threatened her with a gun when they got into a fight. Needless to say she hopped on a plane back to the US ASAP (luckily she had the resources to do so and his sister was sympathetic to her plight). Crazy times.”- anarttoeverything

“It turned out very badly. The lowest time of my life. I went on antidepressants to prevent suicide. Finally got out of that shitshow, came back to the States and started over from nothing. Romance blows goats.” –inertiaqueen

“We are now on our fifth year together. He first moved to my country for half a year, but It was very hard to find him a job there. So he went back, bought a house in his home country, and I moved to him. It has been ups and downs for both of us, a very steep learning curve for sure. It was so worth it!

If I could go back I would tell myself to plan better. Figure out all the practical things before leaving a system I understand and know. Double check rights, taxes and regulations etc. Learn more of the language before going as well. everyone speaks english, sure, but it is exhausting beeing out of the loop when trying to adjust to a place your parther is fully at home…and you know only him/her.

Even with those (and other) hurdles, it has so far worked out. But only because we both put in the effort to make it so, growing together and not apart.”-SaltyDelirium

“great. though…he’s from my home country. he was abroad doing his phD. we’ve been married 11 years now and are on our 4th country (which is back home and we’re here to stay). i wouldn’t have traded that craziness for anything, but being an ex-pat is really tough.”-paddletothesea

“It’s amazing tbh. I thought I came to live in a different continent because I followed a guy. But after several years and the relationship went awry, I am still living in the same continent because ostensibly I enjoy living my freedom here. Currently starting to think that I came here because this continent wants me to be here, lol love how my confirmation bias works out well.”- vivisectioned

“My mom did, Israel to the US. She hated every second of it – had seasonal affective disorder, general depression, developed arthritis from the cold, and IBS from being constantly stressed and depressed. She and my dad got divorced and she moved back to Israel, and all of her ailments – mental and physical- have completely disappeared.”-victoriyas

“I had my eyes wide open and a flashlight on, searching for any red flags. Couldn’t find any, took a leap of faith and 3y later, we’re married and I’m pregnant and crazy in love. Best man I ever met in my whole life.”- N-amPleaca

“Tell us more! Did you vet him before or after you have moved? How long did it take for you to realize he didn’t have any red flags, and it’s time to take that leap of faith?

“I mean that relationship endly let’s just say badly. By then I had started my degree and had job I loved so I stayed regardless and worked my ass off to make ends meet.

I am still here, finished my degree, still in the job, in a relationship with an amazing man, have been for over 2 years. We have a home together and dog!”- maybe-mel

“Been here over 20 years now. Love my new country, and still going strong with SO. Looking back it feels like a crazy risk to take, but best adventure I ever did.”- Shellgi

“Married 6 years. 3 kids. Definitely more challenging than if we were from the same place but absolutely doable. He was lonely for a while and I’m an introvert so we both had to change a little bit here and there. Different cultures are also tricky to deal with but if both of you wants to and can be honest with each other, it can be a really great opportunity for growth.”-lady888

“Took several years but everything worked out.”-creepmouse

“I moved to the US from Canada to marry my wife. We met online and became fast friends, eventually realizing we had feelings for each other. I moved here 3 years ago and we just had our first baby so I’d say things are going pretty well!”-tassieke

“It’s a nightmare. I moved from Europe to the US, I had been here before for 3 years, I moved jobs within my company, but I hate the work culture. For the first 6 months I tried to fit in and for the last 6 months I’ve been drafting CV after CV and done some interviews. Meanwhile my husband agreed to a job where he is gone for most of the day and weekends, when he is home he sleeps a lot and does not his fair share of household chores. Besides one year as a struggling teenager, this has been the worst year of my life. I feel depressed and cry a lot. I used to cry maybe once or twice a year. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Might be going back to my home country.”- Individualchaotin

“He wasn’t the original reason I came but he’s why I came back and stayed. We’ll be married five years in November.”-ITS_A_GUNDAAAM

I moved from the Netherlands to France, so the distance I closed wasn’t as great as the distances from some of the ladies here, but it was an extreme culture shock nonetheless. Learning French is hard and my SO tries his best to help with everything, but doesn’t really know how to tackle the situation. I’m okay and everything is relatively okay, but I really wished I could’ve prepared myself better before comming.”-caprinatural

“For me, it worked out great – we’ve been together for 7 years! I met my boyfriend in Taiwan while we were both exchange students. I’m American, he’s German, and we had to go back to our respective countries at the end of the year and do long distance for a while before I decided to move to Germany.

It was important, though, that I didn’t move ONLY for love – there were other reasons that moving appealed to me. I enjoy being abroad, wasn’t happy at the university I was attending, and wanted a degree from the university system in Germany because I liked it better than the American one. I also came here as an exchange student for a year before ultimately deciding to move. If I had hated it here or had no prospects, I may still have been dumb enough to move for love (I was 20), but I doubt it would have worked out so well.”-thewhitewallisblue

“I’m from the US, moved to Colombia to be with my long-distance-relationship boyfriend of a year and a half whom I’d met online back when the online dating thing was still considered risky, lol.

I’ve lived here 10 years, married 5 of them, and we have 2 kids. It was definitely a bit of a culture shock and took some time to adjust and learn the language and find a new career path (self employed).

Sometimes it’s been hard. I miss the little things like my local potato chips and iced tea. My home town annual fair. Christmas and Thanksgiving with my family. Pregnancy and birth without my mom.

All in all, I love my life and if I could do it over again I wouldn’t change a thing.

Of course YMMV. My advice, especially if it’s a LDR or new relationship, would be to make sure you always have enough money in the bank to buy a one way ticket home, someone who can pick you up at the airport, and someone you can stay with should things go to shit and you want or need to leave.

ETA I think the weirdest thing about it is my mind for some reason expected time to have just stops while I was gone so it really smacked me in the face when I realized it hadn’t. I didn’t visit the US for the first seven years (no money) so after 7 years seeing my parents for the first time and realizing how much they had aged ( hair had turned snow white, faces considerably saggy, mom now has a walker ) was…. Definitely hard. I had a niece and nephew that had been preteen/teen when I left and suddenly they’re all grown up and one in the army and the other all formal and shaking my hand like a businessmen. Another nephew who was 3 when I left and used to babysit didn’t even remember me when I came back. I had another niece and nephew that I’d never even met as they were born after I had left.”- My_Frozen_Heart

“Perfect! My husband is my everything! The only thing I would change if I had to do it all over is marry him sooner. And skip the long distance part.” – LovedbyHim

“We both did it at one point or another. We met at university in America while he was there for just a year. He decided to transfer to that university completely to be with me. Once we both graduated we decided to move to his home country (England). I had always wanted to live in another country, my job was ending, he had just graduated, it was time for a change.

We get married 3 weeks from Saturday & have moved in to our own house here! His friends & family have been incredibly supportive, especially since I can’t work until after the wedding. We’re going on 5 years together, about half has been long distance for one reason or another, but my life is so much better with him in it!”- pearsmir13

“Met my boyfriend in Europe, we fell absolutely in love- I lived in LA at the time. I extended my plans and spent a month travelling with him, we were together 24/7. I got home and immediately planned to move to London where he lives because my job allows me to.

Next thing you know I’ve taken the giant leap, against what my family and friends were advising, they weren’t really discouraging but definitely not encouraging either..

And we moved right in together, unintentionally at first, but things were just working out so well.. we’ve never had a fight or an we couldn’t get through together.

We’ve been together nearly 4 years now and frankly, it was the best and most courageous decision I’ve ever made.” –thoughtpixie

“Not me, I’m just here for the karma. My brother married someone from out of country and it’s been great for them. The lived in opposite sides of NA, one from California and the other in the french Canadian east side. 5 years and they’re still together; I usually just buy them food or something.”-kaqn

“Bad, turned out being together just made things worse. I initiated the final break up after 6 months of being in the country. But, after all the mess of moving on and such, I found someone who is a much much better match for me. This relationship is my healthiest one. So I guess, it ended up well too. Things fell into place.”-throwawaylikemylifee

“My sister moved to Wales for love. They are still together 19 years later, but they are struggling financially and the whole Brexit debacle is taking a toll.” –ApocaLiz

“Well, since I’ve moved on completely from the relationship part, it doesn’t feel that bad anymore. i got to live in another country, i met some amazing people, experienced things that make me feel incredibly lucky. When it ended, the grief was immeasurable. But now all I have are some of the greatest memories of my life. Would I do it again? In a fucking heartbeat.”- torithebutcher

“Ended up in divorce. I stayed in the new country, he decided he wanted a new country experience too and moved somewhere else. I love it here now…” –crissyhatescold

“It’s a wretched idea. I know of very few marriages where this worked out, and even the happy ones have difficulties that you wouldn’t find, just due to the cultural/language differences.”- Magnolia_Mystery

“Absolutely wonderful! We met while he was in my country on vacation and quickly fell for each other. He went back, we spoke nonstop on the phone for a month before he surprised me with a plane ticket to come see him. Its been 6 months since I’ve officially moved. Now I’m learning a second language and meeting so many new people – his friends and family are incredible and so much fun. I’ve gone back to the homeland for a visit once to touch base with family and friends which really helped. Next time we are flying back together so he can officially meet the fam. We actually got engaged recently and I couldn’t be happier!”-BTLstargalactibeets

Notice any needed corrections? Please email us at corrections@wearemitu.com

Women Are Talking About Why They Settled For Partners They Knew Weren’t “The One”

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Women Are Talking About Why They Settled For Partners They Knew Weren’t “The One”

COLUMBIA PICTURES/ Getty

So often we hear the words “never settle” from our own mamas and father. Never settle. Not on our dreams and hopes, not on our hearts’ most desires. And while, oftentimes, settling isn’t an option for those without certain privileges a recent post on Reddit is highlighting what happens when you DO settle in love. When you settle for someone who isn’t The One.

Like Mary Fiore almost did for Massimo in The Wedding Planner, these women settled on love.

Check out their feelings on it, below.

“Finally ended it just under three years ago, after a decade of on and off. Now living a happy life with someone, who is definitely the one.”- messyaurora

“Similar situation. Spent many years in a meh relationship, on and off. Finally ended it and now I am very much in love in a healthy relationship. Ladies, don’t settle! On the long run is better to change.”- Messageinabottle17

“Decently well. We have some communication issues to work on (as well as emotional maturity on my partner’s side), but otherwise it’s functional and I’m mostly happy.”-GoddessOfPlants

“I’m kinda in your camp. I don’t know if I really fit in this question. Let’s just say… I had doubts. Serious ones. But I also thought he had strong potential to be a really great dude for me and I knew I loved him so I married him 6 months after we met.

3 years in we’re still going strong. We started a business together, got two dogs, went through infertility together, moved into a new house that were in the process of turning into our dream home. He’s really worked on fixing the parts I had doubts about, and we’ve really worked on our communication. I also work on not being so demanding and being better about my admittedly short temper. We still have struggles from time to time but every month gets easier.

He’s kinda like Captain America. He isn’t a perfect husband but he’s a good man, and that makes him work to be the perfect husband and as long as he’s putting in the effort (and I am too!) we’ll make it.”- frostysbox

“I kinda relate. I love my significant other and I know he loves me but we clash and see life in two different ways. He is more down to earth and stays to himself while I may be more likely to be caught in a spontaneous adventure. We do go well together though and coexist well. Sex is far and in between but I have adapted to that. We do show random appreciations, or obviously celebrate birthdays and milestones together but Sometimes we seem more like roommates than lovers- but it isn’t a bad thing. Being friends with your significant other over romantic isn’t the worst thing on the world is it?”-idk_about_this_J

“I will be amicably divorced and officially single on 4/19/21. It’s insane to think I’ll be single again after 13 years. I’ve been living alone for the last year and once I get my second dose in a week or two I will be back on the dating scene (that is scary!)

But overall, I’m so excited to see what comes next!”- EarthtoLaurenne

“Same. I thought my ex-husband was a good person. Turns out he wasn’t. I was finally able to get away 9 years ago. Soon after realizing that I deserve better I did meet someone who I knew I was meant to be with and we have been happy ever since.”-princessducky11

“Same. I never thought he was “the one,” but I would have stayed with him till death do us part had he remained a good, kind, caring person. I think my “one” was an ex from a while back, but I was unwell and he had a drinking problem. Perhaps I will meet another one in the future or perhaps I will find a man who stays good.”- DeSterrennacht

“This is what I’m trying to do. We have a cat that I absolutely adore and mostly care for and I’m terrified that I might have to leave her with him, which is honestly one of the main reasons I haven’t been able to move forward with this.”-Selthien

“It became clear after 8 months in that he never wanted a relationship, just a girlfriend as a sign of successful “adulting” and to not show up at family functions alone anymore. All the time, I was completely committed to the relationship even though I knew he wasn’t the one from the get-go.

My saving grace was that I found my dream job roughly 2 hours away from where we lived (we lived in the same town, just not together). I was eager to move away and finally pull the plug. I still would have broken up with him anyway, but I was glad to be moving far (enough) away.

Two weeks before I officially ended it, he told me that if one of his friends was dating someone like me, he would tell him to run and never look back. So I quoted this in the breakup and asked him what exactly he thought would happen? If he felt that I would want to stay after being told something like this? He said, and I kid you not, that he thought that by saying this to me that I would try to be a better girlfriend 

The audacity.

Edit: he was otherwise a decent guy, but he wasn’t honest with himself. He does not want to make the effort to build and maintain a relationship. My interactions with his family especially made me realise that there was some pressure or expectation for him to be in a relationship and have children. But I never got the idea that this was what he wanted for himself.”- Watto_007

“My dad married my mom for the same reason – he was insecure and just wanted to show off to the world that he could “score” a smart and beautiful woman. After they got married and had three kids together, my dad became increasingly controlling and abusive until my parents got divorced 15 years later. The deadbolt on my mom’s bedroom door is still there today and reminds me of the terrifying nights when he’d pick the lock and beat and rape her in her room. You dodged a huge bullet, friend. I’m glad you saw the red flags early enough.”- TheYellowBuhnana

“Don’t get me wrong, my SO and I definitely make fun of each other, but we would never make fun of each other for being a bad partner. That’s a serious disrespect and boundary issue, I’m glad you got out and found someone hopefully who treats you the respect.”-alilminizen

“Fairly well, ups and downs for six years now. He works long hours and I love spending time on my own! It’s harder when we have his kids as I have no desire to be a mother, but I’m better at organizing than him, so take on a child minder role anyway. Hoping for the world to open up soon, as one of the things we enjoy is a romantic get-away. I love him, but I’m not in love with him. But that’s enough for me, as he is one of three men I have ever been interested in. I don’t(and have never) get crushes. I think I’m a bit asexual. Oh and even greater now as we found a rental house instead of a flat and I have gotten cats!!!”-SunshinePipper

“Married for 28 years! We have had our ups and downs, but to be honest he was the one, I just didn’t know it at the time. Sometimes “the one” is an ideal based on youthful priorities, but with maturity, you realize some of those qualities aren’t as important anymore. My husband is my best friend, but whether you marry “the one” or someone else, a good relationship requires hard work and give and take. We have been through many events together, and we grew closer as a result. We are a team!”- LoopyLadyCA

“Something my therapist said to me a while ago completely changed my perspective on my current partnership: “usually what makes a relationship exciting and dramatic is not what makes a good long term partner, those are the tradeoffs.” A lightbulb went off in my head, and that put to rest so many of the lingering demons I had about whether my partner and I were good matches for each other.. or if he was my “one.” Now that I’ve let those obsessions go, our relationship is so much better. I’m so, so happy.”-wabisabister

“I don’t like the idea of “the one”. When I met my ex, our eyes literally met across a crowded room, it felt like he had a spotlight on him, and the world stopped still and moved at the same time. I knew I had met “the one” I was going to marry.

Turns out my gut feeling is a pretty bad judge. We lasted a couple years, mostly because I was so hung up on not losing the one. He isn’t even a bad dude, just not somebody with my life goals, my sense of humor or anything that would be compatible with me.

When I met my fiancé in grad school I didn’t even notice him until we had to do a project together. Now I couldn’t wish for a better partner, I’m so much in love with him and so excited to go through life together.”- AlternativeCover3379

“It went bad. Staying in a relationship like that for me felt like giving up a piece of me. It’s mature to compromise yes, but do it for the rights reasons with the right person for you. If your truth is to feel safe, if that’s the most important always, then go for it. I personally felt a void, something missing..I felt ultimately lonely and we broke up.”- tinaple

“Hmm to offer a different perspective — my partner (of a little over a year) recently told me that he doesn’t feel intensely in love with me/sexually infatuated with me, and hasn’t since after about a month into the relationship (which is when we began cohabitation, thanks covid). But he does love me, very much, and of that I have absolutely no doubt.

We are definitely best friends, have no shortage of emotional and intellectual intimacy, go on countless adventures together. We both really think our partnership is awesome and want to build lives together. Which means we are having a lot of tricky conversations about what this (intense romantic/sexual attraction imbalance) means for us.

Practically, we are monogamous (each has gone on a date or two since meeting) but are more philosophically aligned with ethical nonmonogamy.

This has spurred on a lot of conversations about “the one”. For people struggling with this, I really recommend the book “Designer Relationships”. Even if you’re monogamous, it’s a hugely helpful book (& short! Like 120 pages) for reflecting on your various relationships.

A takeaway is that the invention of the romantic ideal as our life partner is a fairly new one, like as recent as the last century. Prior to this, marriage and life partnership was often based around a “shared goal or project” and romantic fulfillment was sought beyond the relationship (helloooo affairs).

There’s another really good book on the conflict between the domestic and the erotic, called “Mating in Captivity” and it proposes that often times familiarity can cause difficulties in erotic spaces in the relationship and that maintaining a strong sense of independence allows you to maintain erotic energy.

Anyhow, we are both in therapy but have a lot of working theories about the imbalance. Part of it is due to me being attracted to what I can’t have (I could always tell he was a little less sexually thrilled by me, we’ve had some difficulty where he wants sex every couple weeks and I could go every other day, it’s not due to a low libido on his part hahah), part of it is the guilt he put on himself for not being “as in love with me”, part of it is that we spent every freaking minute together since this pandemic started and while familiarity and platonic love breeds sexual desire in me, he likes distance in his erotic relationships.

But honestly, I’ve never grown so much from a relationship. We continue to amaze each other with our ability to navigate this. I’ve cried a good bit, because yeah, it hurts, but our conversations always end with each of us feeling more emotionally intimate and empathized with.

Seeing all of these comments, I’m really wary of people believing they need to find “the one”. No relationship is perfect and takes absolutely no work, and oftentimes, you can cultivate a relationship that is fulfilling and adds a richness to life for both parties. The expectations we put on finding a life partner are honestly ridiculous and downright damaging.”-toomanyblankspaces

“I was convinced the one was going to give me butterflies and be overwhelmed by my presence, when I met my current partner none of those things were true. I kept questioning it being like somethings wrong I don’t know if he’s the one. We’ve been together for a while and I’m glad I didn’t listen to those shreds out doubt. Butterflies are overrated, my partner shows up for me everyday and we have built a really strong and solid foundation. He isn’t overwhelmed by my presence, and turns out it’s a good thing. He pushes me to be a better person everyday and is willing to push himself to be better too. He’s completely changed my understanding of what love is and is supposed to be. I never grew up with a good role model and took my understanding of love from mass media. Turns out that mass media love isn’t real for a reason. I’m incredibly happy with my partner now even though there were times in the beginning where I really thought he wasn’t the one. I’m not saying stick with people you aren’t right for, but that definitions of love change as you get older. And passionate flame sparking loves with no foundation don’t last for a reason.”- killerwheelie

“You are so right with the statement it’s “easy after every issue to think I knew I never should have stayed with him”. There’s something in our brains I think as humans that really makes us goto to that negative area ABOUT US. Like, your husband does something to hurt the relationship intentionally, or unintentionally, and your first thought is to be mad at yourself because you didn’t leave X amount of time ago? Why do our brains do that?!

This is something that my husband pointed out to me was a really unhealthy way that I think. Its not only hurting the relationship because it if we voice that, it seems like we’re always one foot out the door…. but it’s beating me up AND letting him off the hook for any responsibility in the matter, when it should be us against the issue.

It’s been a struggle to recondition my brain to stop thinking like that, and I’ll admit I still struggle especially during big issues (we struggle from libido mismatch as well! I’m so sorry and feel your pain!!) but I’ve got to tell you, working on that has been one of the single biggest improvements on my side for my self worth, our relationship, and well being.”-frostysbox

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Long Term Couples Share Their Advice For ‘Successfully’ Arguing In A Strong Relationship

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Long Term Couples Share Their Advice For ‘Successfully’ Arguing In A Strong Relationship

Gareth Cattermole / Getty

All couples have their arguments, but it’s only the ones who know how to tackle a disagreement in the right way that will stick it out for the longterm. Happy couples who have “successful” relationships have “successful” arguments, ones where they know that the real “win” is when two partners are able to settle on a solution together and without real attempts at hurting their spouse.

So what works for happy couples who approach arguments with grace?

Reddit Users in longterm relationships share all of the ways to argue successfuly.

“This is a very important lesson that I took away from a self help book that has served me well: ‘Did he do something TO hurt you? Or did he do something that happened to hurt you?’ If the answer is the latter, then you are (at least partially) responsible for your own emotional response. Understanding yourself and why something upsets you is essential.”- bonnieirisheyes

“This is really important. However, it’s also important for the SO to take ownership of their actions and realize that actions can have unintended consequences.” –katiesham

“I have some trouble with grey areas. Like when someone doesn’t do something TO hurt you but they know that you would get hurt and still do it. I’m wondering if the book has some pointers for this too, you see.”- Redhaired103

“As a general rule, unless you really mean it in general, make sure you don’t make accusations about character but just the behavior. Like if they do something selfish say what they DID was selfish, not “YOU are selfish.” There’s really a big difference between the two.”- Redhaired103

“Yup. My dad called me annoying almost 15 years ago and it permanently changed our relationship. We’ve talked about it since and he said “you were probably being annoying”. I said “then say that. You called ME an annoyance. You. The man I’m supposed to compare every man in my life to.” He still doesn’t see the difference. One is a way I’m acting. The other is me as a person. It still has left me shaken.”- souponastick

“It helps me to remember we’re on the same team fighting the same problem. Then we’re not fighting with each other so much as brainstorming how to fight the problem together.”- tercerero

“That’s a good one. But rather hard to put into practice when I’m angry.”- mandolin2712

“I am glad this is how it is in your relationship, that makes any disagreements so much more bearable, resolvable, and oddly hopeful for going forward.

Some couples cannot say the same, and their fights seemingly come down to arguing the unsolvable, which is a hindrance and a burden, and almost always about a deeper incompatibility. If you’re constantly trying to “compromise” about, say, money, and your SO constantly doesn’t agree and continues their behavior, that’s not on the same team, at all”- abqkat

“Similar: but I always say it’s not about me being right or you being right but it’s about us getting to the truth which is somewhere in the middle.

Other principles we go by are that I am predominantly responsible for my own happiness and my partner is there to help.

When I am upset, I appreciate apologies but bottom line is that both of us are responsible for keeping both of us happy: it isn’t one person’s job nor is it one person’s failure, we are in it together.”- ellebee83

“This is the one that I stick to the most (or try to). We have to be a team. Our enemy isn’t each other, it’s the problem. At the end of the day, we have the same goal to get rid of the problem. We also have the same goal to keep each other. It helps me put things back into perspective at times.”-rivlet

“Always fight to resolve things, not to hurt each other. If you need to get your anger out, vent to a friend. If you’re too angry to be kind, step away until you’re ready. Don’t fight with your partner until you’re in a place where you can tell them why you’re upset and listen to their perspective. It’s sometimes okay to say things that may be hurtful, but you should be saying them because they’re necessary to fix the problem, not because they’re hurtful. If they’re only hurtful, they’re better left unsaid.”- palacesofparagraphs

“It’s not you vs. me but us vs. the problem.” – jtchicago

“That the excuse of “I said it when I was angry,” is unacceptable. You must take responsibility for your words.”- Poppy29252

“Once you say something it can never be unheard.”- PunkinNickleSammich

“Despite the old saying, sometimes it’s OK to go to bed angry. If you’re going around in circles about something, it’s sometimes best to just take a break from the argument and revisit the issue after a good night’s sleep.”- PandorasTrunk

“Sometimes, the only thing that will cure anger is time, and laying it on a partner to say the exact right things to make you not-angry is unfair and sometimes downright impossible.”- all_iswells

“Not even just for sleep, sometimes you just have to let an argument go. I’m vehemently a talk-everything-out kind of person, but recently learned that some arguments won’t go anywhere and won’t get ‘resolved.’ Some differences just have to be accepted instead of solved.”- AiryNan

“I know this in theory, but I can’t stand my partner sleeping when we still are mad at each other. When it happens, I usually spend the night crying and hating myself for not handling it better. And for nothing, because the issue is usually fixed the day after. I wish he was like me on this particular aspect, but it seems that all men I have dated always preferred to sleep over and deal with things later.”- tightheadband

“I’ve had to leave before, which really pissed my BF off. We didn’t live together and I just knew that we were too angry and at the same time didn’t want to sweep it under the rug, so I went back to my place. He wasn’t happy, but I needed time to think and be alone.”- BilbosHandkerchief

“Sometimes you both need time to cool of, the next morning the problem often looks completely ridiculous and you see the issue at hand wasn’t really the reason for the fight. That’s the time you should talk about the underlying reason. What’s bad is going to bed and never mentioning it again.”- Reddit User

“It’s also a good way to check if the thing you were arguing about is more important than being with your SO and how important the issue is TO your SO. Helps clear up what the priority is. Not saying that you shouldn’t talk about it again, but that might also help with the arguing afterwards.”- BadChase

“Voicing, or harboring, contempt may be the single most destructive act you can take in your relationship. Along with some other key behaviors (criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness) relationships in which the partners show contempt towards each other have been shown to have about 93% chance of ending.

So don’t treat your partner as an inferior, as someone not worthy of you. If you find yourself feeling this, or having regular self-talk in which you are regularly thinking of yourself as superior to your partner or your partner isn’t worthy of you, your relationship may already be beyond hope.”-Reddit User 

“Listen to what they’re actually saying. Remember they have feelings too and that doesn’t make them wrong or right. Feelings are feelings. Use “I feel” statements instead of “you did,” don’t shout at them or speak over them, each person should get a chance to talk without being interrupted, remember to apologize even if you feel or think you did nothing wrong. Swallow your pride, don’t blame, and communicate.”- Reddit User 

“That just because I’m right, doesn’t mean he has to be wrong. There aren’t always two answers. Listening is important. And so is validating others’ feelings, especially anger and frustration. And never, ever, go cold and make it seem as if I don’t love him (I don’t do this, but I’ve had it done to me). It’s OK to argue and confront. It’s OK to want to strangle each other. It’s not OK to withdraw love and warmth and say things that attack a person’s character or our mutual love and respect.”- itsmyvoice

“That they still love you and you still love them(if that’s the case that is). Everyone forgets the other person’s feelings sometimes. You need to remember that you may forget the hurtful things you say under “I was mad” but they might not. It might stick with them and continue hurting even after you say you didn’t mean it.”- Honeybunches94

“Just argue that particular point and only that point, don’t make it personal, and sure as shit don’t drag in the 20 other things that you’ve been holding grievances about over the last x years. Its also not about being right, its about resolving that issue.”- JayTheFordMan

“That your life shouldn’t feel like a ‘rough patch.’ Fights, approaches to fighting, the content, and frequency of the fighting should be, above all else, RESOLVABLE, and not about your/their character or beliefs or values. If you’re having arguments that leave you feeling defeated and hopeless, that’s probably more than just that one fight. I know a couple, together like 8 years, who has about 2-4 monthly “us fights” about money and BIG stuff. You can say “we’re on the same team” or “we just need to work on this” till the cows come home, but if nothing actually resolves, and you’re not on the same proverbial ladder to the same roof, that’s gonna be 

“I was upset that my partner drove on the un-shoveled driveway when I was trying to clear a different part for him to drive on (so there wouldn’t be any hard-packed tire tracks that would turn to ice). He elected to drive on it anyway, after I asked him not to and made a clear path for him elsewhere. I was hurt and confused and felt like he deliberately disrespected me.

Then he told me he has a fear of backing out of the area I cleared, and it’s so bad that it makes him cry. So that’s why he uses the other side. (Edit: and he said he hadn’t told me before because he was ashamed of it.)

I was hung up on feeling like my feelings were justified and that he should just get over it and learn to back out of the cleared area, but after I sat with it a while I realized there are other solutions.

  1. Now I know this, and I will clear the side he DOES like to use first. Even though it takes longer to clear it, I can get started earlier. (If you are wondering why he doesn’t clear it, right now he has a hand injury and can’t use a snow shovel.)
  2. I can offer to back his car out for him.

There are other things we can do to avoid this situation in the future. So it doesn’t really matter about which part of the driveway he uses, and I was NOT being disrespected, but rather he was acting out of a deep fear.”- green_carbon07

“We’re on the same side. When we argue, we either both win or we both lose. I know my wife would never intentionally hurt me and she knows I would never intentionally hurt her. If you can successfully keep that in mind, it’s much easier to realize that everything else is the result of a miscommunication or an honest difference of opinion. It takes work and a commitment to assume good intentions, but if you’re able to do that, it makes things much easier.”- ralevin

“Remember that you love them, and that anything hurtful you say will stay with them. Anytime you want to say something spiteful shut up and count to three.”- reihino1

“That they’re still the same person they were before the problem arose, that you’re still the same person you were before the problem arose, and that everyone makes mistakes.

Don’t attribute anything to malice as a first port of call. The vast majority of the time, it’s not malice. A minority of the time, you will be given evidence that it is malice. Wait for the evidence before you go there. If you start an argument/respond to an argument on the presumption you are being attacked then the other person will naturally feel attacked and start defending themselves. Then you’re just in a spiral of both counter-attacking and nothing gets resolved. Lose the accusations, however, and you can both look at the issue to see what actually went wrong.

On the other side, for people who naturally go too far in the other direction and are too forgiving. Most communication is non-verbal. It is not assertive to stand up only to the verbal part of it. Hold people to account by their tone not just the content of what they say. If they’re speaking to you in an unpleasant tone, tell them you do not want them to speak to you like that. They are adults; just like you; they can handle it if you speak to them sharply. Even kind people will slip in their behavioural standards if they learn they can get away with it. So don’t let them get away with it. A good first port of call to point out to people that they are crossing a line is to make a barbed joke – “aren’t you charming today?” etc.; but if this doesn’t work, then step it up. You don’t need to be aggressive, just firm. Don’t speak to me like that. Don’t do that. Etc. No more is needed. Just stand firm.

Also, there’s nothing wrong with raising your voice, calling someone a name, telling someone to fuck off, etc. sometimes. Advice normally aims at people who are naturally emotionally expressive; not people who are naturally emotional inhibited. But being too “self controlled” is just as destructive as being too “impulsive”. If you do not authentically express emotion sometimes you will not go away feeling the problem is resolved. If you don’t show emotion at all, then the emotional part of the problem does not get healed. If you stick entirely to logic and reason, and you have a mild-mannered debate or conversation about the issue in which you logically agree, and you always do this (thinks back to all my previous relationships) you will find that the relationship, while blissfully low conflict, grows apart and ends amicably when you both realise you’re “just room mates now really”. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with emotional expression. You need it and your partner needs it and your relationship needs it. It’s just about balance and not going overboard. A healthy relationship can withstand arguments because they are adequately resolved and the relationship is properly repaired. Avoiding them entirely only pulls you apart.”-reallybigleg

“Take a step back and ask yourself three questions:

  1. Am I tired, hungry or thirsty? If you’re cranky, it’s usually for one of those three reasons. Cranky people argue more about really dumb things, because they aren’t thinking clearly.
  2. Why do I feel the need to “be right” about this? “Being right” is never more important than your SO’s feelings. Putting your SO down just so you can feel superior is a form of abuse and really childish.
  3. How can I compromise on this issue? The art of compromise is how most relationships survive. Learn to give a little and be fair. Both parties should treat each other with respect.

It’s important to remember that you are with this person for a reason. Probably a lot of reasons. They must have a lot of good qualities you admire. You chose to be in this relationship for those reasons. I find it really hard to argue with my man when I hold his hand or cuddle. We cuddle a lot. None of our “fights” (we barely ever even bicker) last more than two or three minutes.”- Jewels133

“When you do something wrong or hurtful, STOP, and apologize unequivocally. I don’t care how right you are or how important it is, it is NEVER okay to yell, curse, insult, manipulate, lie, or minimize your partner’s feelings. You can resume your argument after you’ve acknowledged your error.”- hocean

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