15 Things Latino Parents Have Definitely Threatened Us With

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If you still cringe when you hear someone count to 3 slowly in Spanish, you are not alone. Together, we can seek closure. Or an affordable therapist.

1. A “Pow-Pow”

Aw. sounds so cute now: “pow-pow.”

2. Un Chancletazo

Happy mother's day ???? #Borracha #HispanicMom #Reality #Typical #Chancletazo #Hi

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ProTip: Next Mother’s Day, buy your mom the softest flip-flops ever.

3. Una galleta.

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Credit: Mitú / Regina Castañeda

Literally: a cracker. Non-literally: a smack across the face. It’s confusing: your mind gets worried, but your body gets hungry.

4. Threatening to stop the car.

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Stopping the car means the driver now has two hands available for smacking.

5. Taking your phone away.

(As you got older, obvi. “Solo los malcriados” have phones at a young age.) It’s scary knowing your parents have access to your texts and pics… until you remember they don’t know how to use their own phone.

6. Separation from your siblings.

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So what if you made your baby brother bleed? You toughened him up; he’ll thank you later! Pero like, after the stitches wear off.

7. Not letting you see your primos

Credit: Reddit

Which sucks, because those are the only people your mom trusts without having to do a background check on, find a credit report for, or have investigators follow.

8. Never letting you sleep over.

Trying to explain to your Non-Hispanic Friend why you can't Sleep Over. #TeamLeJuan

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Sometimes because you misbehaved, sometimes because of lice, sometimes because your parents watch too much crime news.

9. The cocotazo!

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Maybe it’s “coco”-tazo because it feels like a coconut landing on your head? You know, if instead of dropping coconuts, palm trees threw them at you.

10. Un sopapo.

At first you’re trying not to laugh because that word is hilarious…

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Then you remember the last time you received one…

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11. Un bofetón.

LMFAO #Bofeta #500mg #RP

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See also: una bofetada, boféta… So many ways to say it, so little time (to run).

12. Una patada al culo.


RUN or ponte pá tu número STAT.

13. Un pescoset.

Las tengo en especial!!! #Pescoset ???? ✋???

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And it does NOT involve a spoonful of sugar.

14. El cinturón.

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Even just the mere mention of it made you stop whatever you were doing: “A las una… a las dos… y…”

And, finally…

15. Death itself.

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“If you endanger your life by getting a motorcycle, te voy a matar.” Wait. What?

So remember kids, no matter how many times your parents feign ignorance by saying, “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you kids,” they already have 142 options in mind.

READ: 13 Ways Mom Put Her Chanclas To Good Use

What would your loving parents threaten you with? Mitú wants to know; comment below.

If You Grew Up On The Border, Your Town Is Like The Olympics. Cristela Explains Why.


If You Grew Up On The Border, Your Town Is Like The Olympics. Cristela Explains Why.

Latino USA / YouTube

Cristela Alonzo is one funny woman. And smart, too! Recently, the stand-up comedian spoke to an audience at DePaul University and dropped some truth nuggets about Hispandering™, growing up in a border town, and the racial undertones of the border wall.

It all started out with Cristela calling out politicians for treating bordertowns like the Olympics.

Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

“I’ve always said that in south Texas, politically, we’re like the Olympics. [Politicians will] come down, and they’ll do their campaigning, and they talk to us,” said Cristela, who come from San Juan, Texas. “They throw us candy and like, ‘Vote for us!’ and then they leave, and we never see them again.”

Boom. Roasted.

She also went after Hillary Clinton and her poorly thought out abuelita moment.

Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

“The Hillary Clinton thing, months ago, the abuela,” Cristela started with a nervous smile on her face. “I don’t need you to be my abuela. I need you to show me that you want to be president. I don’t want my abuela to be president. Are you kidding? My abuela being president, [impersonating her abuela] ‘No pos well you tell Iraq that they’re grounded or I’m going to fucking hit them with the chancla.'” ?

It wasn’t all jokes, though. Cristela on how lack of health insurance really affects Latinos.

Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

Her own mother died at a young age after having suffered multiple strokes. “We never knew that she had strokes because we couldn’t afford to go to the doctor,” Cristela told the silent crowd. “We had no health care.”

And you know she had a lot to say about the immigration conversation. She is from the border, after all.

Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

“Last time I checked there were two countries that bordered the United States. You never hear anything about illegal Canadians coming into this country,” Cristela said. “Every time they talk about immigration, they show pictures of people who look like me. There are people for different countries that come here all the time.”

You can watch her full speech below. It’s so good!

Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

READ: This Latina Actress Was Asked A Ridiculous Question About Voting And She Fired Back With Perfect Shade

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