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Nature Chola Is Making Space For Indigenous People In The Great Outdoors

From a casual hike on public lands to expert alpine mountaineering, access to people of color, both in real life and in media, is limited. It wasn’t even until the 2014 film adaptation of Wild created a surge in female participation in outdoor adventuring. According to the Outdoor Industry Association’s 2018 report, almost three-quarters of outdoor recreation participants are white.

While enjoying the great outdoors has increased by 1 percent in the last five years among Latinos, @NatureChola wants to get more of us out there and is increasing visibility on Instagram.

Meet @NatureChola, a.k.a. Karen Ramos.

@naturechola / Instagram

She’s an Oaxaqueña ÑuuSavi/Scu-iia indigenous woman. She’s a 26-year-old full-time student at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo University and with a full-time job in architecture. She owns a non-profit to help young children of color experience the outdoors. She is a jefa.

Ramos is here to shed light on environmental inequality and melanize the outdoors.

@naturechola / Instagram

If you’re interested in seeing yourself in nature, be sure to follow tags like #melaninbasecamp #diversifyoutdoors #fakevanlife and #getoutstayout. So often, it takes just seeing someone like you do the dang thing to make it feel like a possibility. Go wild, friend.

She currently has 12.6k followers on Instagram, her main platform.

@naturechola / Instagram

She’s going strong. Why? Because you won’t find a photo of Ramos smiling without a caption sharing the moments spent crying in the bathroom for being an indigenous woman in a white-dominated industry. All followed up with empowering words like this: “Your mom did not wake up at 4 a.m., pick strawberries all day, feed a family on less than minimum wage paycheck for you to feel small. YOU awake their insecurities with your simple presence. YOU are powerful.”

“We need to open dialogue about moments like these. The micro-aggressive biases that reveal themselves in the slyest of ways. Dear white woman I am not trying to take your power away, I am not here to dethrone you. I am carrying the hopes of my people so that one day they too can have the opportunities of yours.”

She’s using her platform to shine a light on the far too white industry.

@naturechola / Instagram

Caption: “What does it mean to be a POC small influencer among a sea of white well paid platforms? There has been a debate lately.. and … for a lack of better words it’s been said that diversity is trending (in reality though that dismisses a lot of the work others have done in the space before).But does that mean it loses it authenticity? Do POC who pick up brand sponsors or sign deals with companies compromise their message?”

“I don’t think either are fully true. I don’t think you can be completely unbiased when it is a company that is paying your rent. Just like I don’t think your message is completely changed.”

“What I do know is..
If Instagram (or any social media) was to disappear tomorrow.. MY WORK WOULD STILL MATTER. MY IMPACT WOULD STILL BE FELT AND I WOULD CONTINUE TO DO DEI (diversity, equity, inclusion) advocacy even without social media. I do it now. This message is not a trend I follow— it is my outdoor narrative. It has been said and I’ll keep saying it.. I don’t get to stop being brown or an indigenous woman once the DEI trend is over.”

Like most of us, Ramos didn’t always claim her identity and the experiences that come with it.

@naturechola / Instagram

According to her own third-person self-description, “At one point a self-proclaimed non-activist, non-radical, white-washed, ‘normal’ person, who didn’t want to ruffle any feathers, offend anyone, or stir the pot….”

“However coming face to face with a community who mirrored and reflected her insecurities and trauma of discrimination as she herself experienced when she was younger, she found the courage with a ton of support from friends to start a non-profit serving the migrant indigenous populations of the Central Coast.”

Get Out, Stay Out / Vamos Afuera is aiming to increase diversity in the outdoor industry by creating memories for young indigenous kids.

@naturechola / Instagram

There’s so much outdoor access to white Americans, but often plain logistics of travel, cost of equipment, and time off for parents get in the way for POC. Thee Nature Chola takes kids out to help clean up beaches, take kiddos swimming in Big Sur and even to local rock climbing gyms. She’s a shero.

Sometimes, her captions are the poetry we need to be convinced that time outdoors matters. We matter.

@naturechola / Instagram

“Deep breath. 
Float.
Deep breath. 
Float.
Deep breath…. “Karen, Karen,
Ya 15 minutos más y nos vamos.”
I hear my mom’s muffled voice.
I let the water drown out her sound and pretend I can’t hear her.
My eyes squint open, 
a clouded frame from water drops clinging onto my eyelashes.

The blue sky, 
the bright sun and 
my mom’s beautiful brown face.

Little rainbow are forming
as she blocks the sun.
My moms gentle fingers on my back keeping me afloat.
The current rocking me softly.

If love could ever hug you, it would feel like this.

Before the fancy water shoes, the ultra lightweight quick-dry gear, the bathing suits, the over excess of it all. 
Before I knew of all the politics and sacrifices she made to get me here.
Just me, my mom, and the river.
This was my safe space. 
This is where I wanted to stay forever.”

Why “Nature Chola”?

@naturechola / Instagram

Caption: “I remember vividly, sitting around the campfire when @goulding_jr (later to become one of my closest friends) asked why my Instagram handle was NatureChola.”

“Being put on the spot was not something I was used to nor was I prepared to answer the question. I stumbled through my answer and was thankful it was dark so none could see my embarrassed face.”

“See at the time I had not yet grown into my new Instagram handle. I had changed my Instagram handle on a whim when curiously one day I checked Instagram and there were no other ‘cholas’ in nature.”

The hashtag #naturechola #climbingchola #outdoorchola had never been used before.

@naturechola / Instagram

Caption: “And to tell you the truth I didn’t know if I was the most appropriate person to take it.”

“But ultimately I’m so glad I did.”

“I took it because it challenged my own comfort of what an acceptable outdoor narrative was. It was a reclamation of the word and the negative stigma it has historically carried. It was a way to say eff🖕🏾 the outdoors-person box that has been created. But mainly a ‘chola’ who loves ‘nature,’ is a paradox to most people. It carried the same confused looks and explained my own story with the outdoors in two simple words.”

“As the months passed every time someone asked me for my Instagram handle I felt a tiny bit bolder each time.”

Communities of color often don’t live close to public lands, and often have to drive further to get there.

@naturechola / Instagram

That means they need more resources like gas, time off and energy to get out there. Once you do get on the trail, it’s Patagonia puffies and Osprey packs everywhere you go. Nature Chola is here to validate your Costco flannel and trekking poles. If the Patagonia puffies have their secret code of acknowledgment on the trail, you bet the lower income Costco crew is also going to validate you on the trail.

She’s even bringing her own mami out into the outdoors for the first time.

@naturechola / Instagram

Caption: “Anyone still take family vacations? If you do then this will resonate with you. Traveling with a parent(s) can be difficult and frustrating. As adults, we do not rely on our parents the way we used to and navigating that new territory can be hard. On the road, with my mom, I had moments where I envied the freedom and carelessness of those traveling with friends. They were able to do things like grab a beer or be careless about our itinerary. @hasanminhaj had a hilarious bit about immigrant parents and some of the things they do. The way they want to show love but in comparison to what we seen in western television it doesn’t match up. Or the fact that they are extremely strict and in my case do not fully understand ‘American culture.'”

“On the road with my mom there were moments of frustration where I converted to a sassy 14yr old teenager self. I had to remind myself how fearless my mom is to want to see more, that this is all uncharted territory to her, and that often she is trying to navigate this world that doesn’t reflect any of her comforts to her.”

“She is brave.”

“And I am so lucky.’

“I’ll look back on this trip hoping to be able to one day do the same for my kids. 💕Now if only we can work on her driving skills, that sh*t is foreal dangerous 😂”

Ramos will only support brands that intentionally diversify their ambassadorship, like Merrell.

@naturechola / Instagram

She’s connected with the POC influencers in the outdoor industry and is completely transparent about the frustrations in the difference of pay between a white ambassador and an ambassador of color. That said, she does her research and will support brands that are supporting fair wages from production to influencer marketing.

Plus, Nature Chola is here to take us all on little adventures like reducing waste at home.

@naturechola / Instagram

Given that she’s working full time, in school full time and running a non-profit, it’s pretty dope that Ramos is also taking the time to comfort her Insta story viewers with memes featuring her dad. We stan.

No need to fear, Nature Chola is acutely aware of the obstacles for marginalized communities to participate in #zerowaste.

@naturechola / Instagram

Caption: “The town I currently live in has, a ban on plastic bags. A ban on plastic straws. And a ban on styrofoam.
Amazing right?!? Yes and no.
– The racial demographic is 85.05%white
– Affordable homes start at $600,000
– Over 60 miles of trails and 37000 acres of open space
– Population of 46,000 people.
There is a Trader Joe’s, a Whole Foods, and sprouts, and twice a week plentiful farmers markets with “local” produce. This town also has a plethora of local shops and is bike friendly.

About 40 miles south is Santa Maria. Hometown.
-Racial demographic 80% non-white (74% ”Hispanic” 6% “Asian”)
– 4 “in town” trails total. (Accumulating to about 18 miles)
– Population of over 110,000
-One Trader Joe’s. One health food store. Many big box stores.

It’s easy for me to sit high and mighty on my sustainability horse when I can afford to live in a place that has all the resources to live a “zero waste” lifestyle and continues to benefit off the labor of POC and poor communities.
While simultaneously looking down on those same communities for not being green enough.”

“Sustainability in the forms that we see it on blogs and Instagram is not meant to be practiced by the masses. Rather we need diverse solutions, for diverse communities, from diverse groups of people.”

On John Muir’s birthday, she’ll be the outdoor influencer who talks about how he treated people of color back in the day.

@naturechola / Instagram

John Muir may have been the founder of the National Parks system and the Sierra Club, and that is a fabulous legacy. He also decimated indigenous communities that Nature Chola will acknowledge every time she ends up on a trail that was once home to an entire community.

At the end of the day, Nature Chola is a chola like all the rest of us.

@naturechola / Instagram

Caption: “Traded in my hiking boots for a playbill🎭 tonight and it was magical ✨✨#Hamilton”

“PS. Download the Hamilton App and enter the daily contest for tickets to the show. So worth the extra one minute out of my day.”

She gets insecure in fancy places.

@naturechola / Instagram

Caption: “I AM VERY INSECURE.. like I get nervous walking into a space that looks too fancy or feeling like I am not wearing the right thing, not just pertaining to the outdoors….for me the worst is seeing the very skinny white girls wear the same huaraches as me but immediately be accepted.”

“*I am bringing race into this because up until recently, thanks to the queen @yalitzaapariciomtz , none of y’all even acknowledged MIGRANT-indigenous brown beauty, and it definitely made an impact on my lived experience being treated like the ugly bottom of the bag crumbs in the LatinX classist/colorist unspoken hierarchy. I don’t know exactly how to fully remediate my insecurities.. but one thing I have tried and that has been working is.. when I feel myself getting nervous, worthless, scared I breathe and try to embody someone who I think deals with these types of situations like I would one day like to.”

She loves her mami.

@naturechola / Instagram

Caption: “My mom unexpectedly deposited 30$ in my bank account for food yesterday.. and all I can think of is how lucky and privileged we are to have parents who, even though they can’t help us navigate the college system, give everything they can to see us succeed ♥️ if this was also your parents give them an extra big hug or just send them a message tonight to say you love and appreciate them😊”

She, clearly, loves the outdoors.

@naturechola / Instagram

It goes without saying that spending time in the outdoors is life giving. Studies show that folks who get back to a circadian rhythm afuera for at least three days will experience a significant increase in creativity and productivity afterward. We’re meant to soak up the sun.

Parting advice: “Don’t let anyone ever diminish your experience in nature because you 👏🏾 did 👏🏾it 👏🏾for 👏🏾the 👏🏾picture/gram👏🏾.”

@naturechola / Instagram

“Get outside, visit that national park, climb that mountain… for the gram.
Your experience is no less valid.”

“And sometimes on days like this …for me visualizing how beautiful the view from the top looks.. and how much I want to share that, can be the most powerful motivator.”

“So shamelessly ask that stranger to take your picture or better yet fearlessly set up your auto timer.. it’s okay.”

“Don’t play down your accomplishments.. your experience in nature .. for the comfort of others.”

READ: Hiker Ronald Sanchez Jr. Identified As Victim In Fatal Machete Attack On Appalachian Trail

10 Disabled Latinas Killing It In Fashion And Beauty

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10 Disabled Latinas Killing It In Fashion And Beauty

sofiajirau / Instagram

Thanks to ableist movies like “Me Before You,” “Split” and “The Shape of Water,” when most people think of disabilities they often associate it with all things depressing, scary or pitiful. Mainstream media  consistently portrays disabilities in a way that have led many of us to believe that those in the community only come with one story and one shade: ones that are depressing and white. Fortunately, the stories of the disabled community are so much diverse, they’re beautiful, fierce, many are positive and all come in the many different skin tones that contribute to Fenty Beauty’s existence.

Here are nine Disabled Latinas who are challenging beauty standards and showing the world how beautiful and diverse Disabled Latina beauty is.

1. Tamara Mena

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Happy #cincodemayo!! 🇲🇽 I’m Proud to be #Mexican!! So with that said, today is NOT Mexico’s Independence Day!! Today, a really important battle was won that led us to our Independence Day on September 16th! So it’s not Mexico’s Independence Day, today! Just for all of you who may not know!😉 But somehow this is a day that someone in the US figured out, hey let’s make a lot of money celebrating mexico, selling lots of margaritas 🍻 and tacos🌮! 🤷🏻‍♀️😄 So cheers to that! Enjoy today ☄️and be safe!!! Don’t drink and drive!!🙏 It’s not worth it! 😉 What ya think about this look? All my clothes and accessories were hand made and embroidered by indigenous people in Mexico!♥️ • OMG I forgot to tell you all the most important thing about today, TODAY IS THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY SECOND CAR ACCIDENT, in which I was driving! It was so bad that we dropped 50 feet, my car rolled over three times, that car is totaled…but by god’s grace and my angels watching over me,we all survived, my mom, @marthaelviap and my cousin @dayrarominna!🙏♥️ So today I don’t just celebrate, cinco de mayo, I celebrate life!! Because I’m SO so lucky to be alive so cheers to LIFE!!! • __________________ Feliz Cinco de Mayo, a los que lo celebran! Yo sé que en #Mexico no se celebra tanto como en E.U. Pero bueno cómo orgullosa Mexicana, les comparto esta foto!🇲🇽♥️ A celebrar! Pero si tomas, no manejes por favor!🙏 No vale la Pena 😉 Bendiciones! Les gusta este look? con ropa típica y accesorios hechos a mano por nuestros paisanos de #oaxaca! ♥️ • Chicos me olvidé de compartirles lo más importante de este día, HOY ES EL ANIVERSARIO DE MI SEGUNDO ACCIDENTE DE CARRO, en el cual yo estaba manejando! Fue horrible, tanto que nos caímos a un barranco y mi carro se volcó tres veces, caímos 50 pies y ese carro fue perdida total…Pero por la gracia de Dios y nuestros ángeles que nos estaban cuidando, todas sobrevivimos mi mamá, @marthaelviap y mi prima, @dayrarominna!🙏♥️ Así es que hoy no sólo celebró el “5 de Mayo” CELEBRÓ La VIDA!! Porque soy MUY afortunada en estar VIVA después de ese accidente, así es que salud por la vida!!! 🙌

A post shared by Tamara Mena (@tamaramenaofficial) on

Born and raised in Leon, Mexico, Mena immigrated to the United States at 13. The bilingual motivational speaker, actress, and model advocates for disability rights by frequently sharing her experiences on Instagram. When Tamara was 19, she suffered a car accident that left her paralyzed from the mid-chest down. The accident also caused the death of her boyfriend. In the years following the incident, Tamara has worked as a public speaker and encouraged others in the community on how to thrive in the face of a derailment. She participated in the famous beauty pageant Nuestra Belleza Latina as the first woman to be in a wheelchair in the competition and is one of the first Disabled talents to work with Ipsy. These days, she continues to use her voice and style to show young Disabled Latinas that they can achieve their dreams.

2. Jillian Mercado

This Disabled Afro-Latina has been killing it on the runway and in front of the camera since her modeling career took off when she landed an ad campaign with Diesel Jeans. Born with muscular dystrophy, a genetic disease that causes progressive weakness and loss of muscle mass, Jillian has used her voice to highlight how she and others have grown up with a severe lack of disabled representation in the fashion world. Since this New York Based Dominicana’s ad with Diesel Jeans, she has been signed with IMG models and has worked with Target and other large major brands. She’s definitely one to keep an eye on in the fashion world.

3. Marimar Quiroa

This Selona/Latina is killing the makeup game on Instagram and YouTube with her vibrant use of eyeshadows to create signature looks. Marimar is a 23-year-old Latina born with a facial tumor called “Cystic Hygroma.” She uses sign language to communicate with her followers on YouTube and Instagram and spreads a message to others to embrace their beauty. Growing up Marimar felt she needed to hide her face but after discovering makeup, she has embraced her features and found a passion in being a makeup artist.

4. Christina Feliz

Christina Feliz Martinez is a makeup artist and professional model based in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Inspire by her Latinidad, chronic illness, and love for makeup, she uses her platform to share looks that she creates that celebrate it all. Because of her chronic illness, she has retired from modeling full time but does shoots occasionally. These days, she’s mostly focused on her work as a full-time makeup artist who highlights beauty products that can be a benefit to the chronic illness community.

5. Dru Presta

Standing at 3ft 4in, this Puerto Rican-Sicilian model born with a form of dwarfism is on a mission to change the fashion industry one photo at a time. Dru grew up in Reno, Nevada where she experiences bullying and isolation from her peers. Determined to not let the ugliness of others affect her, Presta uses her platform to show her audience that sexy can come in many sizes.

6. Annie Segarra

Annie Segarra, more commonly known online as Annie Elainey is a Disabled Peruvian-Ecuadorian Latinx with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) which is a connective tissue disorder. On YouTube, Annie creates videos that bring awareness to EDS but also speaks about the intersection of being disabled and Queer. Their platform has become a safe space for Disabled LGBTQ+ to feel seen and supported. When Annie isn’t creating videos, they’re slaying on Instagram with their #disabledandcute fashion looks. Their photos show outfits paired perfectly with their mobility aids.

7. Jessica Ruiz

Jessica Ruiz is a Puerto Rican-Irish makeup artist based in Philadelphia whose main tool in creating looks for her clients is her mouth!  Born with arthrogryposis, a condition that doesn’t allow her joints to move “normally”, she learned how to apply makeup with her mouth by holding the tools between her lips. She made makeup accessible for herself and after being rejected by a beauty school because of her disability she said “girl bye” and began a career for herself as a makeup artist. Her biggest break came when she had the opportunity to work at the Philadelphia Small Business Fashion Week where she was the lead makeup artist for the event. Jessica is making a name for herself as a disabled Latina MUA, and won’t be stopping any time soon!

8. Elsie Tellier

Living with Cystic Fibrosis (a terminal illness that affects the respiratory and gastrointestinal system), this Mexican-French Canadian uses her wheelchair to show off her love for fashion and her personality. After finding clothes that were comfortable and made her feel good while being in her chair, she began painting her wheels with pictures of galaxies and flowers to match her aesthetics. She uses her mobility aid as a fashion statement that challenges society’s absurd beauty standards. Tellier has said that her big goal is to see fashion brands make fashion accessible for those who use aids like wheelchairs, crutches, canes etc.

9. Giovanna “Gigi” Giscome

giovanawashere_/Instagram

This Afro-Latina from New York City and based in San Francisco Bay Area combines her love for fashion and modeling with her disability rights activism. Gigi has said that as she was growing up her parents taught her to love her disability but she soon noticed that that outside of her family atmosphere often revealed how uncomfortable they were with her disability. While she personally felt fine about being disabled she knew she wanted to change the mindset of others and did so with the help of fashion. Modeling and becoming a fashionista is Gigi’s way of fighting beauty standards which typically only showcase white, able models. Her fashion choices make a statement that both she and her disability are beautiful. Her photos show that she can bring it when it comes to high fashion with jaw-dropping looks.

10. Sofía Jirau

sofiajirau / Instagram

Sofia Jirau is a 22-year-old Puerto Rican model with Down Syndrome. She is, to say the least, a true jefa whose recent appearance on the runway at a New York Fashion Week show is undoubtedly a game-changer. While walking the runway this past week, the model lived out her dream of not only modeling in New York but also shaking up its fashion scene. “When I was little, I looked myself in the mirror and said, ‘I’m going to be a model and a businesswoman,’” Jirau told People in an interview.

Are You A Victim Of Abuse? Use This Checklist To Help You Determine The Truth

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Are You A Victim Of Abuse? Use This Checklist To Help You Determine The Truth

ET / Twitter

If you feel that you are experiencing an abusive relationship, please seek help. Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1800 799 7233 for assistance. Please take care if you feel that your internet or mobile phone device use is being monitored.

There are three ways that abuse can be identified. By the way your partner treats you physically, by the way they treat you emotionally, and by how you feel about the relationship. This checklist of twenty signs of abuse is one tool that you can use to see if you, or someone you know, is a victim of abuse. And remember, more resources for dealing with abuse can be found by calling The National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1800 799 7233.

1. They have grabbed you and refused to let go.

gabkaphoto / Instagram

This falls into the category of physical abuse. No-one should grab you to make you feel threatened and unsafe. No-one.

2. They have pulled your hair.

Instagram: @theerinblythedavis

This is another form of physical abuse. Sure, a bit of hair pulling in the act of passion is fine. But when it happens as part of an argument, or when your partner is deliberately trying to hurt you or make you feel threatened, that is abuse.

3. They have thrown things at you and/or destroyed your belongings.

Instagram: @beatfreak1996

One way your significant other may try to control you is through your belongings. Throwing things at you and destroying your belongings is designed to hurt you physically and emotionally. Threatening to do so also falls under this category of behavior, too.

4. They have left you with bruises, black eyes, bleeding, and/or broken bones.

Instagram: @veeegooose

While abuse doesn’t necessarily have to leave marks on your body, a sure sign of physical abuse in your relationship is when your partner does leave marks. Research shows that once it happens the first time, a “threshold” of sorts has been crossed, and an abuser is more likely to hurt their partner again.

5. They have threatened to hurt or kill you.

Instagram: @raquelitt

It may not seem like abuse, since there are no physical marks left from a threat to hurt or kill you. However, these threats are still part of the arsenal of tools that abusers use. How? Because these threats are designed to control your behavior, and make you feel powerless. Abuse in a relationship is about the abuser gaining and maintaining power, and death threats are a way of emotionally controlling you.

6. They have threatened to take your children away or harm them.

Instagram: @stephaniemaurasanchez

Even if you have children together, children shouldn’t be used as a bargaining chip in your relationship. Even more importantly, your children’s safety is non-negotiable: no partner of yours should threaten it. By the way, this doesn’t just apply to children. Pets can also be used to manipulate and control you in a relationship.

7. They have forced you to have sex.

Instagram: @jennylikesjewellery

Sex is not a “duty” to be fulfilled in a loving, equal relationship. Nor should your partner guilt trip or manipulate you into participating in sex acts after you have refused sex. Consent needs to be freely given! It doesn’t matter how long the two of you have been together. Otherwise, it’s classed as sexual assault.

8. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

Instagram: @silvia_almanza

Abusive relationships are about control and power. Part of treating you like a child is making you feel like you don’t have any control in the relationship, or even your life, so that you continue to stay and endure the abuse.

9. They make you feel like you need permission to make decisions or go somewhere.

Instagram: @kreeturefeature

This applies when you feel like you have to text at every moment to update your partner about where you are. And when you can’t spend time with friends or family without getting permission from your partner. This is because abusers commonly try to isolate their partner from other, platonic relationships with other people.

10. They try to take complete control of the finances and how you spend money.

Instagram: @loudmouthbruja

Controlling how money is earned and spent is known as financial abuse. People suffering from this type of abuse are commonly denied access to money by partners for doing simple tasks like grocery shopping. Or, sometimes the abuser decides whether and when their partner is allowed to work.

11. They cannot admit to being wrong.

Instagram: @abs_ter

Part of being in a respectful and loving relationship is being able to say sorry and to admit fault. An abusive partner refuses to apologise, because doing so would threaten their position of power in their relationship.

12. They accuse you of things that you know are not true.

Instagram: @estephaniaabarca

This is about control, and manipulating you. After all, if you’re spending your time trying to prove your innocence, then you’re not going to spend your time planning to leave the relationship, are you?

13. They do not take responsibility for their behavior.

Instagram: @lu.pazmi

The reality is, it’s not too much to ask someone to take responsibility for their behavior – even more so when it’s someone you’re in a relationship with. However, your partner doesn’t take responsibility for their behavior because doing so would threaten their position of power in the relationship.

14. They use “The Silent Treatment” to get their way.

Instagram: @yappaririri

Chances are you may have experienced “The Silent Treatment” before, in elementary school. And that’s where that behavior should stay. An equal, loving relationship is not built on one person using silence to manipulate the other person into conceding a point.

15. They make subtle threats or negative remarks about you.

Instagram: @noshophotography

Of course, there’s always room for some friendly sledging in a loving, respectful relationship. But, it turns into abuse when your partner does this on a regular basis to frighten, or control you. It’s possible they may even pass it off as a “joke”, or say that you’re “overreacting”. But again, if you’re in a loving relationship, then your partner should respect the fact that you’re hurt by a “joke”. They should not continue to make these types of comments.

16. You feel scared about how your significant other will act.

Instagram: @erikakardol

Repeat after us: you should have no reason to fear your partner in a loving, respectful relationship. You should have no reason to fear your partner in a loving, respectful relationship.

17. You feel that you can help your partner to change their behavior.

Instagram: @amnesia.r

But, only if you have changed something about yourself first.

18. You watch your behavior carefully so that you do not start a conflict in your relationship.

Instagram: @cmirandads

An abuser does not abuse all of the time. They maintain a cycle of abuse in the relationship. Things go from being tense, where you feel like you have to watch your own actions, to an incident which involves verbal, emotional, financial and physical abuse. Then, your partner attempts reconciliation or denies the abuse occurred, and the relationship goes into a calm stage. However, tensions will begin to build before long, starting the cycle once again.

19. You stay with your partner because you are afraid of what they would do if you broke up.

Instagram: @msstefniv

In other words, you feel trapped in your relationship because of your partner’s current, or potential, behavior. This can range from hurting you, your kids, your pets, your friends, and your family. Or, destroying your belongings, compromising access to your finances, or hurting themselves.

20. They don’t pass “The No Test”

Instagram: @kaitlyn_laurido

“The No Test” is pretty simple. Observe what happens the next time you tell your partner “no”. This could be in response to being asked out on a date, or maybe doing them a simple favor. Disappointment is a normal response to being told “no.”  However, pure outrage, violence, and/or emotional manipulation is not a reasonable response, and may indicate an abusive relationship.

If you feel that you are experiencing an abusive relationship, please seek help. Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1800 799 7233 for assistance. Please take care if you feel that your internet or mobile phone device use is being monitored.