In Honor Of Día De Los Muertos, Here’s How I Want My Ofrenda Decorated When I Die
Día de los Muertos is here. While everyone is getting their family member’s favorite foods and drinks together, have you ever thought about your own ofrenda? Well, I have. A lot of what I want on my ofrenda is the same as everyone else’s but I do have some millennial twists that I hope my descendants use on my ofrenda. Here’s a quick cheat sheet that I hope all of my relatives will follow when it comes to making my ofrenda.
Enshrine my altar with Takis, por favor.
I will accept the Takis in whole or dust format. Either way, I expect red, spicy dust scattered on my altar, so that when your eyes burn, you think of me.
Better make it look nice though.
Keep it on brand, mijos. Your mami was a Reina and you better believe the only kind of art I want to consume post muerto is food art.
Paper the walls with memes. ????
May the mijos be given the wisdom and knowledge that framed pictures of saints are not needed. My cultural consciousness resides in the meme community.
Diet Coke can co-sponsor my ofrenda.
I mean, I probably drank more Diet Coke than any human should. I expect you to give me the one thing I loved more than life (literally).
My soul will be thirsty for margaritas.
My soul is still gay, so make sure you use a variety of food coloring to really draw the homo borracho in me. Please toast in my honor and always remember that love is love is love is love.
Dáme soyrizo porque I’ll be a vegan even in death.
Please don’t offer me any kind of animal products. I spent my time on earth trying to save all of the animals. Honor my legacy and find vegan options for all of my offerings.
You can be sugar skull lazy. Te permito.
If it gives you more time to create Taki dust art, then go for it. Plus, I prefer marshmallows (vegan, plz).
I’m a millennial Latina. Of course I want avocados.
Give it to me the perezosa way I like it. Crushed in nature’s bowl with un poquito de tajín.
My broke ass only ate potatoes for dinner, so keep it coming.
I never amassed wealth because of all those avocados, recuerdes? Feel free to carve me a calavera de papa.
Claro, quiero tamales, pan de muerto, y todo, but I also want fries with that.
I order my burritos with fries inside them. I know. I’m an abomination, but I’m laying my soul out here.
I want lime with that. But it has to be lime caviar.
Because I’m dead, pendejos. I’m literally elevated now. I want lime on everything, but make it fancy, dale.
I also want salsa art.
To be clear, I do not want Trump anywhere on my ofrenda. Let this serve as an example of what I expect from all of those who say they love me. Make it political because that’s who I am.
Save all my enamel pins, brujas.
Don’t you dare sell them. I still want them all. They’ll forever be valuable thanks to my loving memory. ????
Also give me all my crystals.
I mean, why even bother putting my ofrenda away. It’s not like you have the storage space for it. Leave it all out for me year round.
Put real-life santos on my velas.
Acceptable patron saints de mi vida include Jennifer Lopez, Bad Bunny, Gina Rodriguez, and Selena Quintanilla. I’m making this so easy for you.
Los muertos love spilled tea.
It’s the only time of year the viejas around you will consent to a mess. Spill that tea, mija, I’m laughing for it.
All mis perros will survive me.
My parents had two kids by my age but I’m over here pampering three dogs instead. Who will ever read this? Ya no sé.
Frame pictures of my loved ones:
They’re all going to be dogs. But I’ll be reunited with them in the fields of heaven.
Nobody loved a pillow y a cama as much as we do.
Our parents worked themselves to the bones but I spend my days dreaming of my bed and buying every type of pillow that hits the market.
There you have it. There’s my ofrenda.
Is there something you would prefer on your ofrenda? Let us know!
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