Well it’s 4/20 and I know what that means: I’m going to have to explain to everyone when getting high is not a good idea.  It’s not that I have a problem with weed. It’s that I never have a good time while high. I’ve tried, many times, and every time, I end up regretting it with every part of my soul. If you’re like me, you might be able to relate to the stages I’ve gone every time I’ve ever been high.

Usually a few friends are hanging out. One of them passes me a joint. It’s been a while, and I’m like…

What’s the worst that could happen? This isn’t “Reefer Madness,” right?

So I take a hit and…

?BOOM? It’s “Reefer Madness.”

Stage 1: I’m, like, instantly too high.

Yeah, not like “fun high” either. I’m knee-deep in bat country, if you know what I mean. And I can’t help but feel like my throat is on fire.

And immediately I regret my decision.

Whyyy did I do this to myself? AGAIN.

Stage 2: Everything feels different.

Something is terribly wrong.

My friends are having a great time as I start to melt down.

They’re having the time of their life, in fact.

So I remind myself: “You never get high, that’s why it feels so bad. Just act normal.”

Yeah, that’s it. I’ll just act normal. I look totally normal, right? You’re not that high. You got this.

Stage 3: I try to sober up by focusing on something.

But I realize I’m way higher than I originally thought.

I don’t remember my hands doing that before.

Yeah, it’s just weed, but I see and hear things that aren’t there when I’m high.

Stage 4: Someone tries to talk to me and it goes terribly.

I am so not ready to make small talk.

My attempt at verbal communication leaves a lot to be desired.

The words I make with my mouth don’t match the voices in my head.

So I try blinking out some morse code.

My attempts at communication have failed and I’m not having fun.

Stage 5: I’m so done with being high.

Please go away stoned feeling.

But I can’t just get un-high. It’s only going to get worse before it gets better.

This is supposed to be fun?

Stage 6: Mid freakout, my friends realize I’m not okay.

Everything is too overwhelming.

They ask me if they can do something to make me feel better. I respond:

SOS

They tell me to relax, close my eyes, or meditate. But that just makes things worse.

Anxiety is at an all time high and I can’t even remember what I was thinking about two minutes ago.

Stage 7: Now I believe all conspiracies I’ve ever heard.

This is supposed to be fun and all I can think about is how there’s probably going to be a

And I’m getting super paranoid and suspicious of everyone.

WHICH ? FRIEND ? IS ? READING ? MY ? THOUGHTS? And why is this cat my spirit animal?

Stage 8: The munchies?

My friends offer me food, but I’m still too paranoid to eat it.

That sounds amazing, actually.

Stage 9: Fetal position. For me, this is the best part of being high so far.

Life hack: curling up can protect you from bears and bad highs.

Stage 10: Making it to the other side.

I’m over the hump. I can feel my senses returning to me and the fear and anxiety are washed away and I feel like I’m finally crawling out of the pit of despair. It’s great!

Stage 11: Short-term memory loss. Usually a few friends are hanging out. One of them passes a joint to me. It’s been a while, and I’m like…

What’s the worst that can happen?

READ: Our Childhood Dreams Have Come True: Gina Rodriguez Is Playing Carmen Sandiego On Netflix

Share this because chances are you or someone in your group is as paranoid as me.

Notice any needed corrections? Please email us at corrections@wearemitu.com