comedy

Here Are The 11 Stages People Who Can’t Handle Weed Go Through When They Get High

Unai Mateo/FLICKR / Mark Angel Comedy/YOUTUBE

Well it’s 4/20 and I know what that means: I’m going to have to explain to everyone I meet why I can’t partake. It’s not that I have a problem with weed. It’s that I never have a good time while high. I’ve tried, many times, and every time, I end up regretting it with every part of my soul. If you’re like me, you might be able to relate to the stages I’ve gone every time I’ve ever been high.

Usually a few friends are hanging out. One of them passes me a joint. It’s been a while, and I’m like…

The Kids Are Alright / Focus Features

What’s the worst that could happen? This isn’t “Reefer Madness,” right?

So I take a hit and…

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS / COLUMBIA PICTURES

?BOOM? It’s “Reefer Madness.”

Stage 1: I’m, like, instantly too high.

FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS / UNIVERSAL PICTURES

Yeah, not like “fun high” either. I’m knee-deep in bat country, if you know what I mean. And I can’t help but feel like my throat is on fire.

And immediately I regret my decision.

Family Feud

Whyyy did I do this to myself? AGAIN.

Stage 2: Everything feels different.

THE SIMPSONS / FOX

Something is terribly wrong.

My friends are having a great time as I start to melt down.

LIL DICKY – TOO HIGH / YOUTUBE

They’re having the time of their life, in fact.

So I remind myself: “You never get high, that’s why it feels so bad. Just act normal.”

YOUNGER /  TV LAND

Yeah, that’s it. I’ll just act normal. I look totally normal, right? You’re not that high. You got this.

Stage 3: I try to sober up by focusing on something.

CYRIAK / YOUTUBE

But I realize I’m way higher than I originally thought.

I don’t remember my hands doing that before.

UGLY BETTY / ABC

Yeah, it’s just weed, but I see and hear things that aren’t there when I’m high.

Stage 4: Someone tries to talk to me and it goes terribly.

THE DARK KNIGHT / WARNER BROS.

I am so not ready to make small talk.

My attempt at verbal communication leaves a lot to be desired.

MARK ANGEL COMEDY / YOUTUBE

The words I make with my mouth don’t match the voices in my head.

So I try blinking out some morse code.

Giphy.COM

My attempts at communication have failed and I’m not having fun.

Stage 5: I’m so done with being high.

MODERN FAMILY / ABC

Please go away stoned feeling.

But I can’t just get un-high. It’s only going to get worse before it gets better.

GOOD MYTHICAL MORNING / YOUTUBE

This is supposed to be fun?

Stage 6: Mid freakout, my friends realize I’m not okay.

TRUE DETECTIVE / HBO

Everything is too overwhelming.

They ask me if they can do something to make me feel better. I respond:

HAPPY GILMORE / UNIVERSAL PICTURES

SOS

They tell me to relax, close my eyes, or meditate. But that just makes things worse.

MAD MEN / AMC

Anxiety is at an all time high and I can’t even remember what I was thinking about two minutes ago.

Stage 7: Now I believe all conspiracies I’ve ever heard.

Warp Records / YouTube

This is supposed to be fun and all I can think about is how there’s probably going to be a

And I’m getting super paranoid and suspicious of everyone.

SHEEP FILMS

WHICH ? FRIEND ? IS ? READING ? MY ? THOUGHTS? And why is this cat my spirit animal?

Stage 8: The munchies?

IT’S ME OR THE DOG / ANIMAL PLANET

My friends offer me food, but I’m still too paranoid to eat it.

That sounds amazing, actually.

DISNEY.COM

Stage 9: Fetal position. For me, this is the best part of being high so far.

Parks And Recreation / NBC

Life hack: curling up can protect you from bears and bad highs.

Stage 10: Making it to the other side.

THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION / CASTLE ROCK ENTERTAINMENT

I’m over the hump. I can feel my senses returning to me and the fear and anxiety are washed away and I feel like I’m finally crawling out of the pit of despair. It’s great!

Stage 11: Short-term memory loss. Usually a few friends are hanging out. One of them passes a joint to me. It’s been a while, and I’m like…

The Kids Are Alright / Focus Features

What’s the worst that can happen?

READ: Our Childhood Dreams Have Come True: Gina Rodriguez Is Playing Carmen Sandiego On Netflix

Share this because chances are you or someone in your group is as paranoid as me.

Here’s What My Mexican Mom Did When She Found A Bag Of Weed In Her House

comedy

Here’s What My Mexican Mom Did When She Found A Bag Of Weed In Her House

Latina moms are no-bullshit kind of women. They don’t beat around the bush. They give it to you straight and will drag you… and troll drug dealers. Wait, wait, wait, let me explain…

Meet my mom. She raised myself and and my four younger siblings. And like most Latina moms, she’s 100% against weed.


She doesn’t care that it has recreational benefits or can be used for good. She’s watched enough “Rosa de Guadalupe” to know that’s just one step away from becoming a weed addicted, kidnapping evil murderer. To her, drugs are drugs.

One day, my mom was doing mom things like gardening and cleaning the front yard. She noticed a little plastic bag hidden in her macetas.

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After taking a closer look, she realized it wasn’t just any bag, but a bag full of weed. She figured it was probably stashed there so the buyer could come by and pick up his merch.

My mom thought: Not here, no bajo de mi techo.

SNL / NBC
CREDIT: SNL / NBC

Instead of going all ‘Rosa de Guadalupe,’ like all Latina moms, she took the liberty to school these kids.

She grabbed the bag and flushed its contents down the toilet.

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But she wasn’t done yet. ? She thought about how sad the poor buyer would be to come by and find his weed was gone. Y se le remordió la conciencia.

So she returned the bag and filled it with something else… Dry oregano.

mccormick-oregeno

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with Mexican moms and their plantas.

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Unless you’re looking into trafficking spices.

READ: Here Are The 11 Stages People Who Can’t Handle Weed Go Through When They Get High

Is this something your mom would do? Don’t forget to click the share button below!

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