Well it’s 4/20 and I know what that means: I’m going to have to explain to everyone I meet why I can’t partake. It’s not that I have a problem with weed. It’s that I never have a good time while high. I’ve tried, many times, and every time, I end up regretting it with every part of my soul. If you’re like me, you might be able to relate to the stages I’ve gone every time I’ve ever been high.
Usually a few friends are hanging out. One of them passes me a joint. It’s been a while, and I’m like…
The Kids Are Alright / Focus Features
What’s the worst that could happen? This isn’t “Reefer Madness,” right?
So I take a hit and…
PINEAPPLE EXPRESS / COLUMBIA PICTURES
?BOOM? It’s “Reefer Madness.”
Stage 1: I’m, like, instantly too high.
FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS / UNIVERSAL PICTURES
Yeah, not like “fun high” either. I’m knee-deep in bat country, if you know what I mean. And I can’t help but feel like my throat is on fire.
And immediately I regret my decision.
Family Feud
Whyyy did I do this to myself? AGAIN.
Stage 2: Everything feels different.
THE SIMPSONS / FOX
Something is terribly wrong.
My friends are having a great time as I start to melt down.
LIL DICKY – TOO HIGH / YOUTUBE
They’re having the time of their life, in fact.
So I remind myself: “You never get high, that’s why it feels so bad. Just act normal.”
YOUNGER / TV LAND
Yeah, that’s it. I’ll just act normal. I look totally normal, right? You’re not that high. You got this.
Stage 3: I try to sober up by focusing on something.
CYRIAK / YOUTUBE
But I realize I’m way higher than I originally thought.
I don’t remember my hands doing that before.
UGLY BETTY / ABC
Yeah, it’s just weed, but I see and hear things that aren’t there when I’m high.
Stage 4: Someone tries to talk to me and it goes terribly.
THE DARK KNIGHT / WARNER BROS.
I am so not ready to make small talk.
My attempt at verbal communication leaves a lot to be desired.
MARK ANGEL COMEDY / YOUTUBE
The words I make with my mouth don’t match the voices in my head.
So I try blinking out some morse code.
Giphy.COM
My attempts at communication have failed and I’m not having fun.
Stage 5: I’m so done with being high.
MODERN FAMILY / ABC
Please go away stoned feeling.
But I can’t just get un-high. It’s only going to get worse before it gets better.
GOOD MYTHICAL MORNING / YOUTUBE
This is supposed to be fun?
Stage 6: Mid freakout, my friends realize I’m not okay.
TRUE DETECTIVE / HBO
Everything is too overwhelming.
They ask me if they can do something to make me feel better. I respond:
HAPPY GILMORE / UNIVERSAL PICTURES
SOS
They tell me to relax, close my eyes, or meditate. But that just makes things worse.
MAD MEN / AMC
Anxiety is at an all time high and I can’t even remember what I was thinking about two minutes ago.
Stage 7: Now I believe all conspiracies I’ve ever heard.
Warp Records / YouTube
This is supposed to be fun and all I can think about is how there’s probably going to be a
And I’m getting super paranoid and suspicious of everyone.
SHEEP FILMS
WHICH ? FRIEND ? IS ? READING ? MY ? THOUGHTS? And why is this cat my spirit animal?
Stage 8: The munchies?
IT’S ME OR THE DOG / ANIMAL PLANET
My friends offer me food, but I’m still too paranoid to eat it.
That sounds amazing, actually.
DISNEY.COM
Stage 9: Fetal position. For me, this is the best part of being high so far.
Parks And Recreation / NBC
Life hack: curling up can protect you from bears and bad highs.
Stage 10: Making it to the other side.
THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION / CASTLE ROCK ENTERTAINMENT
I’m over the hump. I can feel my senses returning to me and the fear and anxiety are washed away and I feel like I’m finally crawling out of the pit of despair. It’s great!
Stage 11: Short-term memory loss. Usually a few friends are hanging out. One of them passes a joint to me. It’s been a while, and I’m like…
The Kids Are Alright / Focus Features
What’s the worst that can happen?
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