Things That Matter

Yes, People Are Tanning Their Buttholes And Here’s Why That’s Not At All A Good Idea

People are tanning their buttholes to regulate hormones and sleep patterns, at least that’s what some practitioners say. The new trend is called “perineum sunning” where people lay down in the sun, lift their legs, spread them open, and let their genitals and anus sunbathe. The Avengers: Endgame actor Josh Brolin seemed to have some experience. He shared his story on Instagram claiming he sunburned his “pucker hole.” 

It appears that while the world has death spiraled into horrific levels of income inequality, the planet is heating up at alarming temperatures, and the president of the United States is being impeached for bribery — some people just have nothing better to do than tan their anuses. 

Josh Brolin burns his butthole in the sun. Then tells the whole world about it. 

Credit: JoshBrolin / Instagram

“Tried this perineum sunning that I’ve been hearing about and my suggestion is DO NOT do it as long as I did,” Brolin wrote on Instagram.

Perhaps the most alarming part is that Brolin is not telling his impressionable followers not to do perineum sunning, but rather to not do it as long as he did. Wow, thanks for the advice Mr. Brolin, but you did not in any way even indicate how long you did it for, so how is anyone supposed to know how long to do it for? The problem is all the more obscured by the fact that you’re still encouraging people to do it. 

“My pucker hole is crazy burned and I was going to spend the day shopping with my family and instead I’m icing and using aloe and burn creams because of the severity of the pain. I don’t know who the fuck thought of this stupid sh– but f— you nonetheless. Seriously,” he wrote with the hashtag #blackholesun (I chuckled). 

One might ask Mr. Brolin, if his regular skin gets sunburned why would he think his “pucker hole” would be an exception? Secondly, how dare he condemn the person who thought of this “stupid sh–” and not the people dumb enough to try it. But actors aren’t historically known for being the brightest crayons in the box. 

No need for actors to worry their pretty little buttholes about things like sunscreen in the year 2019 where the sun is the literal thing that might kill all of humanity. Throw your anus in the air, wave ’em like you just don’t care. What’s the difference we’re all going to die anyway? Oh, is that not a song…

Influencers want you to heat up that perineum, baby!

Credit: ra_of_earth / Instagram

There is a viral video that contains nudity where the process of butthole tanning takes place. One of the men explains how it works. I would request some peer-reviewed research before listening to these influencers, but that’s just me, a person with neurons in their brain. 

“In a mere 30 seconds of sunlight on your butthole, you will receive more energy from this electric node than you would in an entire day being outside with your clothes on,” the man who goes by Ra of Earth says in the video. 

If I exposed my anus to the sun in this here New York City, there would be a warrant out for my arrest. I would love to see a person with melanin try this and then have to explain to law enforcement that Thanos told them to do it. 

Many of the influencers cite researching Taoism as the reason they’re all doing this. Sure, OK. 

“For the past few weeks I have included sunning my bum and yoni into my daily rising routine,” an influencer named Metaphysical Meagan wrote on Instagram

She said instead of drinking coffee she tans her genitals in the sun. I don’t think any of these people know how photosynthesis works. 

Obviously medical professionals think this is stupid as hell. 

“There is no evidence that sunbathing in this way has any effect on physical well-being,” Dr. Diana Gall of UK-based online doctor service Doctor 4 U told Insider. “Practicing mindfulness comes in many different and safer forms, and there are no extra benefits of doing this naked in the sun.” 

Getting vitamin D from the sun is great, your butthole isn’t more sun absorbent, though. Meditation is great, you don’t need to break public nudity laws in order to do so. In fact, this technique might actually be worse for you in the longterm. 

“A sustained period of doing so could lead to long term sun damage,” Chemist 4 U founder, Shamir Patel told Insider. “I would suggest that going on a long walk in the sun is much more beneficial, and if you’re in need of a boost, then taking a supplement is much more practical than perineum sunning.”

Please don’t do this. Thank you.

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