Things That Matter

Someone Created America’s Scariest Teddy Bear: The Trumpy Bear

There is a Trump Bear because Republicans are weird and some seem to straight up hate children (they put them in cages, remember). Staring into the abyss of Trump Bear, all I can hear are the haunting lyrics of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” You know the ones: “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake.” 

While I am sure this bear is fitted with a listening device from the NSA, I am even more certain that instead of a lump of coal, Santa Claus gives you one of these for being a naughty kid. 

My first sentence ever, according to my mother was, “Mommy, the dolly killed the lady.” My mother, who loves horror movies, didn’t think it was a big deal to show me a Chucky film when I was 2 years old, but that’s another story. Here I am, on the cusp of turning 30 and all I can say when I look at Trump bear is, “Mommy, the dolly killed this ladySee you in hell. Don’t forget to water my plants while I’m gone!”  

Meet Trumpy Bear

The brown bear made in Donald Trump’s image sadly is still the most attractive version of Donald Trump. Although, as an Afro-Latinx I can only help but snicker because you know Trumpito has always wanted to be black. It’s apparent in his decade-long fixation with President Obama. If it’s not jealously, then why is this racist so obsessed with one-upping and undoing Obama’s successes

Trumpy Bear has a hideous blond combover (accurate), hideous bushy blond eyebrows (accurate), an inappropriately large tie to conceal his misshapen body (accurate), eyes as blue as Adolf Hitler’s dream Nazi (accurate), and a face made for the ninth circle of hell (accurate). The only thing inaccurate is that the hands are proportional to the body, and we all know Trumpito has teeny tiny hands only slightly larger than his brain. I’ll leave descriptions of the size of his other body parts up to my girl, Stormy Daniels. 

But we haven’t gotten to the creepiest part of all. When you unzip his back, you can pull out an American flag blanket. As Vogue writer Michelle Ruiz put it, the flag is “perfect for watching the president mock sexual assault survivors on national television or, according to the official Trumpy commercial, serving as a hood ornament on your golf cart.” Enjoy!

Is Trump Bear real? 

Upon its launch, many wondered if Trumpy Bear was real? Snopes did some investigating and discovered that for two payments of $19.95 + shipping and handling, you can actually purchase this bear to burn in your local bonfire. According to Snopes, the product trademark is owned by Exceptional Products (“Exceptional,” OK. SureJan.gif) which Snopes uncovered by searching U.S. Patent and Trademark Office records. 

Several social media posts revealed that some people unironically and willingly received Trumpy Bears as gifts. Imagine if your workplace secret Santa gave you this? I would go to HR. 

But we haven’t even gotten to the craziest part yet. There is a commercial. The gift that keeps on giving… me ominous flashes of the looming apocalypse. 

Trumpy Bear Official Commercial

If you’re still alive after watching that commercial, I assume anyone who watches it will die within seven days, you might find many things odd about it. For starters, this teddy bear is clearly being marketed to adults over 50? In an advertisement for a stuffed animal, there is not a child in sight. The commercial says Trumpy Bear is great for the front of your motorcycle, the back of your golf cart, and to honor fallen soldiers who probably died because of his policies. 

A try-hard male voiceover says, “Even the toughest guys will love Trumpy Bear,” because you know, asserting “masculinity” is so important for Trump supporters who are categorically a part of the demographic where the Venn diagram for “Rape Apologist” and “Viagra User” is just one circle. 

Trumpy Bear for true patriots

The bear also suggests that it will help you “show your patriotism.” This is coming from the same people who convinced themselves the previous President was the secret leader of ISIS just because he was half black — true patriots of American values.

But I would argue the commercial is right, there is nothing more patriotic in America than spending money on a product you don’t need, manufactured by poor people of color overseas, to remind the poor people of color where you live that you hate them so much you would waste money, destroy the environment, and hurt people. Perhaps, the only bigger patriot is the person selling the symbol of hate. 

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This Poor Mom Had To Spend 20 Hours Detangling Her Daughter’s Hair To Free It Of 150 Velcro-Toys

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This Poor Mom Had To Spend 20 Hours Detangling Her Daughter’s Hair To Free It Of 150 Velcro-Toys

I think it’s safe to say that during this strange time of quarantine, that we can definitely count parents among the heroes.

Stay at home orders and efforts to keep children at home, have caused parents to have to reevaluate their daily schedules. Now, so many parents are working double time to give their students the attention and education that they truly need.

A Pennsylvania mom recently highlighted the chaos of this new reality after showing what happened when she let her children play with toys after they’d finished their school work.

In a post shared on her Facebook Lisa Hoelzle shared a nightmarish experience of having to detangle her daughter Abigail’s hair after her son Noah dumped her into a hairy situation.

I post the good …. well here is some of the bad ☹️☹️☹️ Friday at 4pm until Saturday at 10pm was my worst Mom…

Publicado por Lisa Tschirlig Hoelzle en Domingo, 10 de enero de 2021

Hoelzle’s children are both 6 years old and like most kids in the United States right now, staying at home and doing virtual school. After finishing their school day, Noah and Abigail headed down to their basement to play with Bunchems, a toy that includes tiny Velcro-like balls that stick together.

It didn’t take long for sweet Noah, who Hoelzle describes in her post as a “jokester,” to dump a full container of the Bunchems on his sister’s head. Little did he know he’d just launched his sister into a mother’s “worst Mom nightmare.”

“I think I had an out-of-body experience,” Hoelzle wrote of the moment she saw her daughter’s hair. “She had about 150 of these things layered and matted in her hair. They made it worse trying to remove them themselves because they connect together kinda like Velcro.”

Bunchems hair
LISA TSCHIRLIG HOELZLE/ Facebook

Speaking about her initial plan of action Hoelzle, said that it took around three hours to remove fifteen of the Bunchems. When her husband, Dan, arrived home the two Google their next approach and only then realized “the severity of what we were up against. It suggested using conditioner and vegetable oil to loosen it but that made it worse and so messy. He got out about 10 more Before you knew, it was 1 am and Abigail could not keep her eyes open I slept with her head on me so they wouldn’t get more tangled. Not that I really could sleep.”

When it came to cutting her losses and, cutting her daughter’s hair Hoelzle said she just couldn’t do it. “If we cut them out because of how deep they were she would have winded up with a short pixie cut,” she explained. “It crushed my heart and I just couldn’t in my heart give up without trying my best to get them out. I am that Mom that has a bow to match each outfit! Haha”

The next day, Lisa went back to work, this time armed with mineral oil and a detangling comb.

“There was also a lot of tears (mine)” Hoelzle joked. “Abigail consoled me and Noah because he felt awful what he did. Abigail was surprisingly amazing about it !! She is usually the child that acts like you are killing her when I brush her hair! When she started to wine about it my Mom brought in a Lollipop and stuck it in her mouth! Lol. Hey, you got to do what you got to do! It was such a long day. I never watched so much kids U tube to entertain her but after 20 hours total after pulling and working them out of her head and lots of hair loss I got them all out. Followed by an hour or more in the bath tub with conditioner and combing out the knots.”

“I feel like we had a miracle with all of our prayers,” Hoelzl added. “We saved her hair and although it is thinner it wasn’t as damaged and ruined as I thought so Thank you God!!!” she wrote.

While Hoelzle says her fingers are “literally swollen” from the experience she is thankful to be done with the “awful situation.”

Bunchems hair
LISA TSCHIRLIG HOELZLE/ Facebook

She is now set on getting the word out about Bunchems and the severe consequences the toys can have.

“This will be something we will never forget very traumatic experience in the Hoelzle household this weekend,” she said before asking her friends to spread the word. “Trash you Bunchems if you have them or if you love them where a shower caps when playing with a sibling! Lol. This will be something we will never forget very traumatic experience in the Hoelzle household this weekend. I kept trying to think we have our health it [could] be worse but boy oh boy what a sickening feeling!”

Bunchems are still available to purchase but they were discontinued last year, likely for this reason.

According to New York Post, spokesperson for Spin Master, the company behind Bunchems said that they “quickly developed instructional videos for our YouTube channel and websites as a way to proactively educate people on how to play with the product and how to remove Bunchems from hair if they do get tangled.”

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Rihanna Hilariously Took A Jab At Trump While Taking Out The Trash On Inauguration Day— ‘I’m just here to help’

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Rihanna Hilariously Took A Jab At Trump While Taking Out The Trash On Inauguration Day— ‘I’m just here to help’

Rihanna just proved that she’s capable of just about anything. Last week, the class act proved that she can class up even the trashiest of things. While on a walk to the curb with bags of trash the singer rocked diamonds and a pair of satin pink peep-toe heels and gloves in a pointed jab at former President Trump. 

She might be a star but Rihanna isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty when it comes to taking out the trash on behalf of President Joe Biden.

Last Wednesday, the singer and fashion designer celebrated Biden’s inauguration and Trump’s exit with a silly post on her Instagram page. Dressed in stilettos, the “Love On The Brain” singer carried two bags of garbage out to the curb with a caption that read “I’m just here to help #WeDidItJoe.”

The comment was a clear nod to Vice President Kamala Harris and President Biden’s historic win and their ultimate swearing-in last week.

Dressed in a vintage tee-shirt reading ‘End Racism By Any Means Necessary’ Rihanna threw some shade and the trash away. 

Continuing to throw shade in the caption, Rihanna added: ‘I’m just here to help.’ The singer has proven herself to be an ultimate fan of the Biden-Harris ticket. Last year when they won the election she tweeted about their win writing “The faces of history makers, boundary breakers, and WINNERS!!CONGRATULATIONS to you both, and mostly to the American people!! So much work to do, so much hurt to undo! Let’s GO! I’m so proud of you America!”

Fortunately, it looks like Rihanna is showing no signs of slowing down her celebrations this year.

On Sunday, the Savage x Fenty owner shared a video of herself dancing in a hotel room while sporting some of her own line’s lingerie.

After doing some twerks and showing off a Savage x Fenty dotted mesh skirt, and a set of matching gloves, RiRi gave fans a fun Valentine’s Day champagne toast.

“Cupid could NEVA!” she captioned her post. “#ValentinesDayCountdown.”

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