Things That Matter

Apparently There Are Three Feet Long Avocados Called Long Necks And Like Please Take All My Money

Avocados, much like the feminine form, come in all different shapes and sizes. Most people’s perception of produce is limited to what we see in the supermarket, but avocados are just as diverse as Latinidad. This week, people on the internet are losing their minds over a little known, slender, meter-long avocado known as the “long neck.” Just to be clear, 1 meter is about 3.3 feet. Now that’s more bang for your buck and lord knows we need it with these babies. 

Avocados have become the luxury fruit of millennials coping with the existential dread of President Trumpito, climate change, stagnated wages, and expensive healthcare. Sure an entire Avocado is $1.99 and an entire loaf of bread is $4.99, but the world is ending so who cares if I spend $15.00 on avocado toast? Guacamole is extra? Everything is extra, my guy! It’s 2019 if I want to fill my tub with hundreds of avocados and bathe in their robust omega fatty acids while the world implodes, don’t judge me. We may never pay off our student loans, but at least we have avocados. 

These long neck avocados are popping.

When Miami Fruit shared a photograph of a massive, long neck avocado on Facebook, users were stunned by its unusual appearance. However, the Facebook page assured their following that the avocados were locally popping. 

“The avocados are popping off right now,” they wrote. “South Florida farmers grow dozens of unique varieties not common in any other part of the mainland USA.” 

She’s organic and GMO-free, baby! 

Long neck avocados, also known as Pura Vida avocados, are grown in Miami but they aren’t typically sold commercially. South Florida is home to about 50 different kinds of avocados. (but I find it problematic that not one is shaped like an exact replica of Celia Cruz). Farmers grow long necks organically and without any genetic modifications. That means mother nature made these puppies grow over three feet, not science. 

The hearty gourd is originally from Nicaragua and their seeds are coveted all over the world. 

According to Miami Fruit, folks “even travel the world looking for seeds to bring back to the states to try to grow. This variety, in particular, originated in Nicaragua and is now grown small scale here in South Florida by fruit enthusiasts.”

Yes, you can buy these even if you don’t live in Miami. 

For a cool $47.00 – $197.00 you can buy an entire box of these avocados. If you’re cringing at the price, the boxes range from 3 to 45 pounds. Hey, it’s a bargain if you ask me, that’s the cost of half a slice of avocado toast here in New York City. 

Yes, supermarkets have a diversity issue!

While there are literally hundreds of different kinds of avocados, Hass avocados are overrepresented in supermarkets. According to the USDA, they make up roughly 95 percent of the market.

Let’s keep it 100 for a second.

Avocados are delicious as hell, and as Latinx people, they’re often a staple in our cultures. The United States relies heavily on avocados imported from Mexico. Nearly 80 percent of the avocados we eat come from south of the border. According to Reuters, in April, within a week of the Trump administration’s threat to shut down the Mexican border, as an immigration and asylum deterrent, avocado prices surged 50 percent. Moreover, the cruelty of the immigration policy itself hurts Latinx farmers and laborers domestically. Nearly half of all farmworkers in the United States are undocumented according to the Department of Labor. Farmers are now grappling with labor shortages due to this country’s legacy of racist immigration policies. With threats of ICE raids targeting anyone who looks Latinx, I wouldn’t show up for work either. 

Each time you eat an avocado, it is likely that a Mexican or Latinx person worked on the farm it came from. All of the things we take for granted were willed into existence by someone somewhere. Too often that person is exploited, oppressed, underpaid, and brown. So yeah, let’s talk about how dope avocados are, but let’s not forget about the people who made them that way. 

40 Thousand Pounds Of Avocados Fell To Their Deaths In A Texas Truck Accident

Culture

40 Thousand Pounds Of Avocados Fell To Their Deaths In A Texas Truck Accident

@ciboloPD / Twitter

We all know how expensive avocados have become so some news out of Texas is really upsetting for hipsters and abuelitas across the country. Interstate 10 in central Texas was closed for several hours while officials cleaned up 40,000 pounds of avocados, which, sadly, did not make it to our homes to be far more lovingly smashed into guacamole. According to the Cibolo Police Department, two trucks collided, and Satan allowed for the empty truck to remain upright, while precious cargo was senselessly sacrificed without cause.

On this Day of the Dead, we would be remiss if we did not include the collective mourning Twitter is experiencing from this great loss. No humans died, by the way.

If our rudimentary calculations are correct, that means 106,666.66 avocados met their end on the side of the interstate.

Credit: @TamarahBryan / Twitter

According to Live Science, a single Hass avocado weighs about 6 ounces. With 16 ounces per pound, 40,000 pounds is equivalent to 640,000 ounces. Divide those ounces by the average weight of an avocado. The exact calculation is 106,666.66667 avocados lost.

The road was closed for 13 hours after the accident.

Credit: @ciboloPD / Twitter

The Cibolo Police Department alerted its residents via social media, saying “At 12:41am, two truck tractor-semi trailers were involved in a major accident. A box trailer full of avocados overturned causing the cargo box to tear open. Several thousand avocados littered the Eastbound lanes of IH-10 at mile marker 599. The second involved big rig was a tanker which remained upright. IH-10 eastbound is currently still closed pending scene clean up. Traffic is being diverted off the main lanes at mile marker 599 and can re-enter at mile marker 600. We will update when the eastbound interstate is back opened. Expect several more hours before complete.”

While their message was all business, their hashtags seemed to reflect that they don’t understand the holiness of avocados: “#fiberhighway #pitsinpits #hearthealthy #whynotdonuts.” My question exactly. Why not Donuts?

Once traffic opened up, the police department joked to “#GuacInPeace.”

Credit: Cibolo Police Department / Facebook

The Texas Department of Transportation arranged for crews to clean up the Interstate. Nobody knows what happened to the avocados. They have either been disappeared or else the local dump has become a gold mine. Don’t act like you’re not above eating avocados that have touched the road. #NoAvoLeftBehind

Some folks left joking comments on the Police Department’s Facebook requesting exact GPS coordinates to “help” with the cleanup. A witness of the tragedy commented, “I drove past the aftermath. What a tragic waste of good avocados gone to guacamole smeared all over the highway. :<“

Thankfully, no humans died, though two were seriously injured and transported to the hospital.

Credit: @racsiv27 / Twitter

“Two occupants, to include the avocado truck driver, were transported by EMS from the scene in stable condition. A third vehicle, a passenger van, was also involved and driven from the scene,” Cibolo Police Department’s Matt Schima told CNN.

Many folks were concerned that the incident would further raise the already increasing cost of avocados. One Javier Chaparro commented, “Seriously!?!? Does the driver know how expensive they are!?!? Wth!?” Someone else guessed, “That’s like, 10 million dollars worth of avocado.” Someone else joked that they were going to “::runs to pick up avocados::” before the prices skyrocket. It’s too soon to say how this accident will affect the daily lives of local Tejanos.

When struck with tragedy, this woman turned pain into haiku.

Credit: @Jessjones327 / Twitter

The unimaginative half of Twitter is taking the opportunity to exclaim “Holy Guacamole!,” but we know there was nothing holy about this incident. We applaud you, Jess Jones, for not saying “Holy guacamole!” Sometimes, a simple heartfelt emoji will do the trick. Moe’s Southwest Grill even replied to a news report of the incident on Twitter with a simple “😢.”

On this Day of the Dead, we mourn the loss of 26,666.666 family-sized guacamoles that might have lived on at the foot of an ofrenda.

Credit: Cibolo Police Department / Facebook

Or… y’know. In us. Again, note the number of “666”s. This was the loss of an otherwise holy celebration of family, culture, and the coveted avocado, increasingly being held in our hearts and wallets as a Golden Goose Egg. Tejanos, stay vigilant. Maybe follow your local Police Department so we make sure these avocados get into the right hands, Avocado forbid, there be a next time.

READ: California Is Fighting Off 14 Fires Across The State Claiming Thousands Of Acres And Displacing Thousands Of People

These Twitter Memes Should Help You Tell The Castro Twins Apart From Now On

Things That Matter

These Twitter Memes Should Help You Tell The Castro Twins Apart From Now On

Washington Post / Tik Tok

Presidential hopeful Julian Castro and his twin brother Representative Joaquin Castro were featured in the Washington Post’s TikTok video. Julian and Joaquin are no stranger to being mixed up for one another. Over the summer Joaquin even grew a beard to create a visual distinction between the two after reporters were left vexed when the brothers entered a media room wearing similar suits. 

The Washington Post’s TikTok has featured viral memes of presidential candidates before, including a video of Andrew Yang dancing, and Beto O’Rourke standing on a file cabinet in the office.

Like always Twitter took the premise of the hilarious video and ran with it. Users began using the image of Julian in a slick suit and Joaquin in a casual dad sweater to create some fun compare and contrast memes. 

Julian and Joaquin create TikTok to help people tell them apart.

In the video, Julian and Joaquin lipsync to the popular song “Who R U” by JUFU. The Washington Post’s Dave Jorgenson plays the role of the media as the twins explain to the public who is who in an airport. 

“Maybe this will help y’all tell us apart,” Castro said in his caption of the retweet of the video. 

“Yeah, I’m the one that can actually dance,” Joaquin responded. The media has confused the twins repeatedly. 

Naturally, Twitter began to meme a snapshot of the TikTok. 

Twitter being Twitter, pretty much the entire political world chimed in with a resounding yes and the meme floodgates were opened.

Some folks used the opportunity to use the image of a dapper Julian and a laidback Joaquin to compare their lifestyle choices. I’d say “Tapas vs. Barbacoa y big red,” is pretty accurate.

Another user labeled Julian “Mi Tierra” and Joaquin, “La Margarita.” 

Julian’s staffers join in on the meme fun.

Julian’s National Press Secretary Sawyer Hackett chimed in with “Day 1 on the campaign vs. Day 300.” The sentiment might be a little too real as Julian’s presidential campaign warned he may have to drop out of the race if he doesn’t raise $800,000 by October 31. 

“If I can’t raise $800,000 in the next 10 days — I will have no choice but to end my race for president,” Castro wrote in a fundraising email. “If I don’t meet this deadline, I won’t have the resources to keep my campaign running.”

However, Julian’s deputy press secretary Liza Acevedo had a bit more fun roasting the candidate saying, “You vs. The guy she tells you not to worry about.” 

This one was far too relatable for many many people.

Joaquin Castro grew a beard so people would stop confusing him for Julian. 

Just this month, the San Antonio Express newspaper confused Joaquin and Julian – in their own hometown. In the paper, Joaquin is credited for launching the opening of a building that actually came into fruition when Julian was mayor. The twins have always had a sense of humor about the constant confusion. 

“There you go again…always taking credit for my feats. Did you put @mySA up to it?” Julian tweeted in jest. 

Over the summer, Joaquin got fed up and decided to grow facial hair to end the confusion. 

“I hadn’t shaved in like three days and I decided I’d just grow the beard back – and it does help so that people don’t always think that I’m running for president,” Joaquin told reporters in Washington, D.C. according to USA Today

He said he encounters mixups every day just about everywhere except the Capitol where people recognize him as a congressman. 

“Like in the airport or somewhere else – on the streets” he said, adding that at first it was funny but, “then after that, it’s like, I’m not running for president!”

Joaquin’s beard does not seem to help end the confusion.

Joaquin’s tactic wasn’t too successful as there have been quite a few mixups since. In September, Joaquin called out MSNBC for using a photo of him to discuss Julian’s candidacy. 

“You guys know that’s actually me, right,” he said. “I grew a beard. Do I need a face tattoo?” 

This isn’t the first time a presidential candidate’s TikTok has gone viral.

The Washington Post’s presidential candidate TikTok with the most views was previously held by Andrew Yang with 1.9 million views. In a couple of days, the Castro twins’ reached over 2.1 million views. 

Another fan favorite included Beto O’Rourke giving one of his famous speeches — standing on a file cabinet in the office.

The joke is a reference to a meme early in his campaign where he was photographed speaking to constituents while standing on a table.