Things That Matter

Puerto Ricans Are Low Key Wishing Trump Follows Through With His Plan To Trade The Caribbean Island For Greenland

In case you missed it, Trump recently assumed the United States could purchase Greenland, an autonomous territory of Denmark. When the prime minister of Denmark publicly denounced that even the idea that Greenland was for sale was “absurd,” Trump took to Twitter to call her “nasty.”

Last year, a former White House official reportedly heard President Trump joke about trading Puerto Rico for Greenland in a meeting. Ever since the former official leaked the story, Boricuas are the ones cracking all the jokes.

Boricuas are daring Trump to make the trade, given Denmark allowed for Greenland to govern themselves in 1979.

@dartinaperez / Twitter

In 2008, Greenland voted for the Self-Government Act which transferred even more power from the Danish government to its own local government. Since then, Greenland has gradually assumed responsibility for its local laws, law enforcement and finances. Plus, for Puerto Ricans on Twitter,”the Danish cookie tin cans will finally have cookies instead of sewing thread and needles.”

Now, Boricuas are seeing Denmark’s influence everywhere.

@juliana_icm / Twitter

We always knew our abuelas were brujas, seeing into the future. It’s like they knew that the only way we could repair (though, not with needle and thread) Puerto Rico’s government would be with the Danes.

Are Puerto Ricans soon-to-become a “Product of Denmark?”

@miss_gines / Twitter

“Toda una vida en training,” tweeted one Boricua. Puerto Ricans are taking to Twitter to discuss how they might already be culturally primed to become part of Denmark.

They have already started calling themselves the “Caribbean Vikings.”

@NielInRealLife / Twitter

“You can hear the Caribbean Vikings coming from the dembow beat over the horizon,” tweets one Puerto Rican. Can you imagine? 😂 

Except, they’ve made some changes to the traditional Viking gear.

@arnaldot76 / Twitter

Don’t underestimate what Boricuas can do with a plantain. You might know us for our mofongo, but you won’t survive an encounter with a plantain-wielding Puerto Rican out for vengeance.

Puerto Ricans have googled their new queen, and they approve.

@regcoral / Twitter

“She looks so much better than Trump,” tweets one Puerto Rican. “Count me in, too!” Another says, “love the idea. Denmark will definitely treat us better. Long live the Queen!” The #DinamarcaPR movement is alive and well, y’all.

That said, Puerto Ricans are divided on having to learn another language.

@vodkatito / Twitter

When Spain colonized Puerto Rico, the indigenous peoples’ (Tainos) were brutally killed, along with their language. With Spaniard rule, Spanish became the most spoken language on the island. Now, as a territory of the United States, English is also an official language. Some folks are tired of colonialism, while others are down to learn a new language in exchange for free healthcare and respect.

Some have joked that they’d be trading up from Captain America to Thor.

@mewlngasgardian / Twitter

“We’re trading in Captain America for Thor #DinamarcaPR,” tweeted on Boricua. The funniest part about all of this, is that the Danes want Puerto Rico. A Danish person replied to this tweet saying, “You’re more than welcome to join Denmark. It’ll be an honor to have Puerto Rico be a part of our country.”

The Nordic people actually really want Boricuas to join their country.

@a_fly_guy / Twitter

Another Dane laid it all out for Boricuas:
“Love you guys, you are more than welcome to join our little kingdom. *Free health care
*Free schools
*Free education and you get government support while doint it.
*Work week 37 hours
*Low unenployment
And the best thing, we do not have Trump and Obama are visiting next month!”

The merch is already in production.

@la_guapa / Twitter

“You guys bring the beaches we bring the beer,” one Dane tweets to the #DinamarcaPR. Another Puerto Rican is just keen on the idea that “Denmark’s PM won’t throw power towels at their brown citizens.”

At the end of the day, #DinamarcaPR is a joke, but government autonomy isn’t.

@lherrero / Twitter

Some folks are serious about this, tweeting “And they think we are joking!” Others acknowledge that #DinamarcaPR is just one way that Puerto Ricans are expressing their desire for a government that takes care of them. “I kind of am [joking] about joining Denmark. That’s absurd. But that we want actual functioning government with real policies that help people. No one is joking about that.”

Just weeks after forcing their Governor out of power, Puerto Ricans aren’t quitting until they get health care, free education and some respect.

Trumpy Bear Is Real And Comes With A Giant American Flag And Probably An NSA Listening Device

Things That Matter

Trumpy Bear Is Real And Comes With A Giant American Flag And Probably An NSA Listening Device

OfficialAsSeenOnTV1 / YouTube

There is a Trump Bear because Republicans are weird and some seem to straight up hate children (they put them in cages, remember). Staring into the abyss of Trump Bear, all I can hear are the haunting lyrics of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” You know the ones: “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake.” 

While I am sure this bear is fitted with a listening device from the NSA, I am even more certain that instead of a lump of coal, Santa Claus gives you one of these for being a naughty kid. 

My first sentence ever, according to my mother was, “Mommy, the dolly killed the lady.” My mother, who loves horror movies, didn’t think it was a big deal to show me a Chucky film when I was 2 years old, but that’s another story. Here I am, on the cusp of turning 30 and all I can say when I look at Trump bear is, “Mommy, the dolly killed this ladySee you in hell. Don’t forget to water my plants while I’m gone!”  

Meet Trumpy Bear

The brown bear made in Donald Trump’s image sadly is still the most attractive version of Donald Trump. Although, as an Afro-Latinx I can only help but snicker because you know Trumpito has always wanted to be black. It’s apparent in his decade-long fixation with President Obama. If it’s not jealously, then why is this racist so obsessed with one-upping and undoing Obama’s successes

Trumpy Bear has a hideous blond combover (accurate), hideous bushy blond eyebrows (accurate), an inappropriately large tie to conceal his misshapen body (accurate), eyes as blue as Adolf Hitler’s dream Nazi (accurate), and a face made for the ninth circle of hell (accurate). The only thing inaccurate is that the hands are proportional to the body, and we all know Trumpito has teeny tiny hands only slightly larger than his brain. I’ll leave descriptions of the size of his other body parts up to my girl, Stormy Daniels. 

But we haven’t gotten to the creepiest part of all. When you unzip his back, you can pull out an American flag blanket. As Vogue writer Michelle Ruiz put it, the flag is “perfect for watching the president mock sexual assault survivors on national television or, according to the official Trumpy commercial, serving as a hood ornament on your golf cart.” Enjoy!

Is Trump Bear real? 

Upon its launch, many wondered if Trumpy Bear was real? Snopes did some investigating and discovered that for two payments of $19.95 + shipping and handling, you can actually purchase this bear to burn in your local bonfire. According to Snopes, the product trademark is owned by Exceptional Products (“Exceptional,” OK. SureJan.gif) which Snopes uncovered by searching U.S. Patent and Trademark Office records. 

Several social media posts revealed that some people unironically and willingly received Trumpy Bears as gifts. Imagine if your workplace secret Santa gave you this? I would go to HR. 

But we haven’t even gotten to the craziest part yet. There is a commercial. The gift that keeps on giving… me ominous flashes of the looming apocalypse. 

Trumpy Bear Official Commercial

If you’re still alive after watching that commercial, I assume anyone who watches it will die within seven days, you might find many things odd about it. For starters, this teddy bear is clearly being marketed to adults over 50? In an advertisement for a stuffed animal, there is not a child in sight. The commercial says Trumpy Bear is great for the front of your motorcycle, the back of your golf cart, and to honor fallen soldiers who probably died because of his policies. 

A try-hard male voiceover says, “Even the toughest guys will love Trumpy Bear,” because you know, asserting “masculinity” is so important for Trump supporters who are categorically a part of the demographic where the Venn diagram for “Rape Apologist” and “Viagra User” is just one circle. 

Trumpy Bear for true patriots

The bear also suggests that it will help you “show your patriotism.” This is coming from the same people who convinced themselves the previous President was the secret leader of ISIS just because he was half black — true patriots of American values.

But I would argue the commercial is right, there is nothing more patriotic in America than spending money on a product you don’t need, manufactured by poor people of color overseas, to remind the poor people of color where you live that you hate them so much you would waste money, destroy the environment, and hurt people. Perhaps, the only bigger patriot is the person selling the symbol of hate. 

Trump’s Latest Direct Pitch To Hispanic Voters Was Truly Bizarre, Even By Trump Standards

Things That Matter

Trump’s Latest Direct Pitch To Hispanic Voters Was Truly Bizarre, Even By Trump Standards

Despite the election being more than 400 days away, the 2020 Election campaign season is in full swing. We’ve got Democrats debating substantial policy ideas in debate after debate and then we’ve got Donald Trump blurring the line between campaign rallies and presidential events.

Trump has been busy jetting from state to state (largely staying in states that supported him in 2016) to spread his message of falsehoods and hate.

Until now. 

Is Trump starting to change his ways just in time for the 2020 campaign? 

If you pay attention to the news, you’ll of heard about Trump’s “pitch” to Hispanic voters.

It makes sense that Trump would put effort into Latino outreach in New Mexico, which has the highest percentage of Latinos of any state of the country. But remarking on the tone of an ally’s skin and suggesting Latino voters have dual loyalties are probably not the best ways to do it. Trump’s comments unsurprisingly seemed to play well to his supporters in the room, but they are unlikely to win many new ones in a state where he can use all the supporters he can get

But oh, it was so much more.

President Donald Trump did his best to appeal to Latino voters during his rally on Monday evening in Rio Rancho, New Mexico. His “best,” however, was profoundly bizarre.

In one especially odd moment, Trump remarked upon how white one of his key Latino surrogates looks.

“He happens to be Hispanic, but I’ve never quite figured it out because he looks more like a WASP than I do. So I haven’t figured that one out. But I’ll tell you what — there is nobody that loves this country more or Hispanic more than Steve Cortes,” Trump said. (Cortes is a pro-Trump television commentator and member of Trump’s Hispanic Advisory Council.)

“Nobody loves the Hispanics more!” Trump continued, before asking Cortes a question that suggested Latinos have dual loyalties: “Who do you like more, the country or the Hispanics? He says the country. I don’t know, I may have to go for the Hispanics to be honest with you. We got a lot of Hispanics! We love our Hispanics.”

In anticipation of Trump’s New Mexico rally, the ACLU but up billboards that obviously hit some important points. 

Another one said “No Ban, No Wall, No Hate In Our State.”

While another group had this to say:

Apparently New Mexico has some legit billboard game. Who knew?

Many in New Mexico wondered why Trump was visiting a state to share his hateful views in a state that is overwhelmingly Democratic.

Trump is not doing well with Latinos in particular or in New Mexico in general. Polls consistently show his approval rating at about 30 percent.

Trump’s poor performance is dragging him down in New Mexico, a state he lost by 8 points to Hillary Clinton in 2016. According to Morning Consult’s tracking polls, Trump’s approval rating in the state has dropped a whopping 34 points since his inauguration, and as of last month, sat 17 points underwater.

Not to mention the President’s hurtful, hateful, and dangerous rhetoric used against immigrants, refugees, and basically anyone who isn’t cis white.

Nonetheless, during his rally on Monday, Trump insisted he plans to win New Mexico in 2020. His sales pitch largely centered around low Latino unemployment rates and stoking fears about immigration — but these were also key components of his campaign message heading into last year’s midterms elections, and Republicans ended up losing all five statewide races in New Mexico. At this stage, there’s little reason to believe things will be different next November.

But of course, Trump wasn’t just in Mexico to awkwardly talk about ‘Hispanics.’

He was also there to repeat many of the lies he’s now become so famous for. 

Trump spoke for 95 minutes at the rally in New Mexico on Monday night, among the longest speeches he’s given as President. And, according to CNN, he made at least 26 false claims — most of them ones he’s said before in recent months.

From blaming a former Google executive for him losing “up to 10 million votes” to saying San Diego’s mayor agrees with Trump on the wall (hint: he doesn’t), Trump was in typical Trump form. 

From New Mexico, Trump departed for deep blue California.

After leaving New Mexico, Trump headed for California — another state he lost by millions of votes in 2016. He’s there to raise funds for his 2020 re-election but he’s also getting in some attacks on the heavily Democratic state. 

Before even arriving, Trump had been shaming California cities over a very real issue — homelessness. It’s out of control from San Diego to San Francisco but many doubt that the administration is going to help address the issue with any substantial policy. Meanwhile, the President is also set to revoke California’s ability to set stricter standards on vehicle emissions, which would set up yet another legal battle between Trump and California.