My abuela has always been curious about my love life. It’s like a Latina thing. All your family members – ESPECIALLY THE WOMEN – think your love life is public domain. I’m single at the moment, and this is the summer of love, so for whatever reason I thought, ‘You know what…I’m just gonna let my abuela snoop into my love life and help me find my principe azul. This will be interesting.’
I made an account on this Latino dating app called, “Chispa.” The moment I started swiping, I found some very interesting options. I have a cool abuela. She’s a bit old school, but has the sweetest soul ever. She can always find the good in people and since I can be very picky and shallow when looking at dating profiles, I figured her opinion could help me find the one. This is what she said about my potential candidates:
What my abuela said about Alex:
¡AY mira! Le gustan los perros! That is always a good thing. You can trust him. And look how happy the dog looks. That means he will be a great dad for your kids! Is he still a student? Engineering? Ohhh, so he’s smart too. Mijita, this man can not only make you happy, but he can help your primos with school! He’s a keeper. You want a man that is going to college. Education is important, it can open so many doors for him and your family.
His clothes are clean! He has a dog and HIS CLOTHES ARE CLEAN! I already love him. And oooh!!! look, the doggy has a moño. I can’t tell who is cuter. Alex or the dog? Where do I press so I can see the name of the dog?
Abuela’s Verdict: Of course! If you go out with him, yo les cuido al perro.
What my abuela said about Miguel:
Ándale! Those arms!!! Do you think he can carry us both with them? He’s muuuy guapo! But that tattoo on the shoulder. I don’t like it. You know how I feel about tattoos. Can he dance? He looks like he can dance. You want a man who can dance. A man that can flip you around in his arms, and mija, HE HAS ARMS! A man who dances is a man who knows how to have fun. What does he train? Oooohh, like exercise!? Yes, well that explains a lot. Do they have a photo of his back? I am just curiosa. He looks healthy. Very healthy. Look at that glowing skin. He must spend time in the sun. You need a man to put you in shape. Can he train me too? I need motivation and those arms could motivate me for sure. ¿Quéee? I won’t touch them too much.
Verdict: Yes of course, bring him to dinner anytime. Just ask him to wear a shirt con mangas. I don’t want to see that shoulder tattoo de cerca.
What my abuela said about Isaac:
No, ¡pues está guapo! But what’s with the holes in his shirt? I see holes on the bottom of his shirt. I have my good glasses on. Do all men have tattoos now? En mis tiempos that was not a thing. At least his tattoos no dan miedo. Where is that photo? What is he looking at? You had a shirt just like that, remember? Do you still have it? You wore it all the time…what happened, you don’t like it anymore? I like men with hair on their face. He has a good beard. He has good hair too. You need to look for a man with good hair. I don’t want my nietos to have pelo feo. It’s never too soon to think what your kids will look like. This man can make beautiful kids…so he has my approval.
Verdict: Yes, and tell him I will gladly sew his clothes.
What my abuela said about Rob:
Rob, that’s Roberto, no? Roberto what? Is he famous? What telenovelas has he been in? Do you recognize him? I wouldn’t mind my nieta dating a famous actor. You could become famous too! I don’t know, he looks very young and handsome and you will look older than him. You never want to look older than your novio. My dad used to say that men have to have the 3 F’s: Feo, Fuerte y Formal and I don’t see much feo here. He does have great hair. I like good hair. Do you think he would grow a beard? Also, who took this picture. I don’t know if I like how he’s looking at the photographer.
Verdict: Not sure, don’t know if you can handle the fame.
What my abuela said about Victor:
Uff, arms again! Arms without tattoos. I think we have a WINNER! And he can cook! What is he cooking? Is that ribs and chicken? Why is he wearing gloves? I don’t wear gloves when I cook…
Is this his restaurant? Where is it? Does he have arms like that just from cooking? How come mine are so wangos? I also cook all day. Does he do dishes? He can come over anytime – especially if he does dishes. He looks like a nice boy and he has a beard. I like men with beards. He says he’s a comedy fan? Well, that’s good because you know how your tías say everything that comes to their heads. Hopefully they won’t make him loco with all the cochinadas they’re always laughing about. But if he likes comedy, he’s going to love your tía Yungi and your tía Norma – laughter is very important – just don’t repeat all the jokes they say, por favor. I hope he’s funny. I love funny men.
Verdict: Yes, a strong man that can cook is always welcomed in this family.
My Final Thoughts:
So, basically my abuela has a thing for arms and beards…which, is weird, because my abuelo has neither. Hmm? But, I had fun doing this. There’s A LOT to choose from on here, and pretty much every guy got her approval – except for the actor dude with the young face. Apparently I need to be more famous. Thanks, abuela? Hahaha.
Well, I’m gonna do a little more searching. And since my abuela seems to have a knack for this – and she cracks me up – I’m gonna let her swipe with me. Be warned men of “Chispa,” my abuela is checking you out.