Things That Matter

Here Is A List Of Christmas Gifts That Latinos Will Find Funny

Ah, Christmas, Nochebuena, Navidad…. the night of useless presents and crazy tías with their weird traditions. Life is full of mysteries and one of those just totally inexplicable things is why people keep gifting each other strange and useless things. But well, es Navidad y todo se vale, right?

1. A Guacardo Christmas Pin! GUACAMOLE!

This is absolutely cute and it yells I am Latino and love a cheesy Christmas. If you are dating a non-Latino give it to them to make them part of the familia!

2. Best flans pin pack…

The best gift for that mejor amiga who loves kitschy but fashionable gifts with a twist. Now we want abuela’s famous flan de cajeta.

3. Let’s be honest…. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS OTRO PLATO AND WE HAVE A SWEATER TO PROVE IT!

Oh, Christmas, a time for family, joy, and overeating!

4. A conchas sweatshirt…. cover those tetas, mija

The little mermaid has conchas de mar, but you can gift conchas de pan dulce. What a gift!

5. We are head over heels over this Guacardo Pom Pom Beanie

The ideal gift for that hipster primo who is proudly Latino but loves his avocado brunch at the precio moderado de un chingo.

6. No jodan aunties, I am better off alone. Mejor sola sweatshirt.  

For that independent young woman in the family who dreads Christmas because people don’t leave her alone asking her about galanes. This sweatshirt makes it loud and clear: don’t mess with me!

7. A San Marcos blanket

Credit: http_%2F%2Fo.aolcdn.com%2Fhss%2Fstorage%2Fmidas%2Fd786070deacf0420a73639b7f3467a28%2F206054090%2Fsan+marcos . Digital image. HuffPost Mexico

We are sure you have seen one of these cobertores printed with wild animals and super ñero landscapes. We all had one as kids.

8. A six pack of Nochebuena beer

Credit: 1482108036_582789_1482109542_noticia_normal. Digital image. Verne El Pais

A classic Mexican holiday beer that doesn’t really taste that good, but everyone is afraid to admit that fact. Drinking one of these chelas is that the holiday spirit is all about.

9. An ugly abuelita sweater

Credit: Kitty-Puppy-Hay-Ride-Tacky-Cat-Lady-Ugly-Sweatshirt-Plus-Size. Digital image. The Ugly Sweater Shop

Thanks, but no thanks. Navidad sweaters tend to be conservative and super stuffy in all their polyester glory. Guácala.

10. Yet another tortilla container

Credit: s-l640. Digital image.eBay

Every Mexican-American household has a tortillero that sports some horrible flower pattern or an Aztec-themed adornito. One is enough, gracias por nada.

11. A kitsch as hell nacimiento 

Credit: 1c4c9bfc70419e086ce8a4c75cb4f477. Digital image. Pinterest

Ya, no más porfavor. Nativity scenes are big for Latinos and even though they won’t be used until the following year, if ever. Some of these nacimientos are ungodly in their ugliness (pun intended).

12. Baby Jesus clothes… yes, they are a thing

Credit: Divino-Nino-GalaVestido-Nino-DiosRopa-Nino-DiosBaby-Jesus. Digital image. PicClick

Nothing worse than the tías that gift each other weird Barbie-like clothes for their Niño Jesús. There are even versions with soccer jerseys.

13. DVD collections of telenovela classics…. there’s streaming you know…

Credit: Cuna_De_Lobos__Cradle_Of_Wolves__DVD_Cutversion_W__English_S. Digital image. Bukalapak

Please, mamá, no one uses DVDs anymore and I can just stream Corazón Salvaje or Silvana Sin Lana!

14. A hideous bufanda badly knit by your aunt

Credit: Photo Oct 28, 3 26 38 PM. Digital image. Memoirs of an Old Soul.

Tía Cholita is terrible at knitting but in three decades of ugly and uneven scarfs no one has been brave enough to tell her.

15. Horrible Acapulco souvenirs made out of shells

Credit: 3-a-animals-e1402328730919. Digital image. Travel Blog

Everyone has a pariente who visits the motherland and buys horrible souvenirs but only gift them when it is time for the intercambio de Navidad. 

16. Fake Cuban cigars…. do not try at home!

Credit: cohiba-2-1024×768. Digital image.  Havana Times

Repeat after me: Cuban cigars are legal now, no need to gift those Cohiba wannabes that taste like an ashtray as soon as you light them.

17. Yet another rosario

Credit: 3d2b18b2d64b37dc8c139316fa2caa58. Digital image. Pinterest

No abuelita, praying doesn’t make me un buen muchacho.

18. Red chones to get you ready for New Year’s

Credit: h37-1459.pycc_heidi-klum-intimates_217_velvet-orchid-thong-brief_poppy-red-cafe-creme_ff.1531783963 . Digital image. Bendon Ligerie

Nothing more embarrassing that having your family see that red thong a cheeky cousin gave you to wish you a healthy sex life for the upcoming year.

19. Decoraciones de Navidad: seriously, it is Xmas already, why would I need more decorations? Duh.

Credit: adornos-navidad-fieltro. Digital image. Manualidades

It is already Christmas, why would you give me even more decorations? Makes no pinche sentido.

20. A San Antonio so you can put it upside down to see if you finally stop being a solterona. Those people can’t understand that women can be single and independent! Ya déjenme en paz!

Credit: NwYU4 . Digital image. SDP NOTICIAS

Any single woman over 25 is judged by nosy relatives as a quedada, a spinster. Legend has it that you have to put this saint upside down to attract buenos partidos. Just don’t, I am dating myself thank you very much.

22. A bottle of cheap rum with a bow that probably cost more than the booze itself

Credit: ronjamaica. Digital image. The Clinic Online

One of those last minute gifts picked up at the corner shop. The cheap tío will probably beg you to open the chupe and drink it himself. No es justo!

23. An ugly handwoven table runner…. really, who uses those?

Credit: camino-de-mesa-en-crochet_7_900. Digital image. Facilisimo

No one uses table runners. Period. Chances are they will be forgotten in a kitchen drawer, pero no importa. 

24. Rompope filled chocolates that are bound to give you a terrible sugar cruda

Credit: 41QGyFZ8PFL. Digital image. Amazon

Those damn chocolates filled with eggnog are so damn sweet and addictive that they give you a sugar rush and then a bad hangover the next day. We love to hate them and hate to love them.

25. Super kitsch jewelry de fantasía

Credit: 616Fu9iM4pL._SY500_ . Digital image. Amazon.

Do you really think I will go out clubbing wearing that? These pieces of bisutería are generally a season or ten too old…

26. Stop it with the Navidad themed toilet covers

Credit: 3-unid-set-Navidad-elfos-Cubiertas-de-inodoro-higi-nico-Sets-Navidad-Decoraci-n-Ba-eras.jpg_640x640. Digital image. Ali Expres

They are not hygienic and no one wants to have Santa looking into their private toilet business. No one who is on their right mind puts what is basically a plush toil on the escusado, come on!  Qué asco.

27. A Luismi CD. Yes, un pinche cé dé!

Credit: lm. Digital image. RoMaNo

Some older relatives just do not get that CDs are a thing of the past and keep gifting these relics with the same recycled Luis Miguel songs… yes, we know the Netflix show was a big hit, but that doesn’t make these cool…. chances are they will end up as decoration for el arbolito de Navidad next year.

28. A Spanish-English dictionary that is oh so passive aggressive

Credit: 038427_FB7C506F5EC34FBD82C30195BA61EF50. Digital image. School Speciality

Being pushed by the relatives to perfect your español? This might be the best cachetada con guante blanco in the book. So you now know, mijitos, better polish your language skills or face the bilingual police!

29. What you gave them on the intercambio the previous year

Credit: 1513271683_590677_1513272873_noticia_normal. Digital image. W Radio

Yes, it is not uncommon for extended families to just keep recycling the same old regalitos for generations. But that is what Christmas spirit is all about!


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5 Gifts To Hype Up Your Jefa Friend

Fierce

5 Gifts To Hype Up Your Jefa Friend

mitushop.com

Being a jefa is not something to be ignored. It takes a lot of sacrifice to and hard work to earn that jefa title so if you have girl friends who have recently been promoted or who launched their own passion projects, that is to be celebrated. Here are 15 gifts you can get your amiga to let her know you appreciate her hustle and you recognize that she’s a boss ass bee. 

If you’re reading this and you recently got promoted or are celebrating an accomplishment, go ahead and treat yourself!

There is no better way to let your colleagues that you’re la mera mera than by casually sipping your coffee with this mug. 

It’s a super discreet way to tell people who is la jefa and only 14.99. 

Ring, ring. Can I speak to the jefa?

Oh yes, that would be you! Every boss needs protection around one of her most valuable business tools — her phone. This silicone case will ensure nothing happens to your device when you accidentally drop it because you’re busy juggling a million things and it’s only $19.99. 

Deciding what to wear is so unproductive when you can rock your go-to jefa tee.

How much time do we waste every morning trying to pin a cute outfit? Too much. When you’re running a business, working about what you’re going to wear should be at the bottom of your to-do list. This statement shirt can be your amiga’s or yours for $22.99. 

There’s nothing like daily affirmations to get you in boss character. 

Sometimes a girl needs a few reminders to let her know a  mansplainer isn’t going to stop her. This $12.99 FIERCE Sticker Pack will make your notebook, water bottle and laptop look like, super cute while also whispering sweet messages of empowerment. 

When someone asks what makes you a super jefa, let them know. 

Latinas grind harder. Latinas don’t give up. Latinas get shit done. Being Latina is our superpower. Let the world know you’re basically a superhero with this adorable pin that’s only $9.99. This design is also available in a tee for $22.99.

Mariah Carey Is Re-Issuing Her ‘Merry Christmas’ Album With New Content And The Internet Is Losing Its Mind

Entertainment

Mariah Carey Is Re-Issuing Her ‘Merry Christmas’ Album With New Content And The Internet Is Losing Its Mind

Love her or hate her, you have to admit that Mariah Carey is a cultural stalwart. Endlessly entertaining and undeniably talented, it’s impossible for Carey to stay out of the spotlight for too long. This year, the elusive chanteuse herself has, again, cemented her status as The Queen of Christmas by gifting us all with an exciting new project. 

The Afro-Venezuelan songstress took to Twitter with some big news about a new album of hers that’s on the horizon. 

On Monday, Carey announced that she would be re-issuing her 1994 holiday album “Merry Christmas” in honor of the 25th Anniversary of its release.

Writing out the information on her mirror in red lipstick (naturally), Carey revealed the details of the revamped album. Dressed in a silk robe, MC explained that the double-album would be released on November 1st and was available for pre-order immediately. According to Carey, along with the reissued album, her website would be selling Mariah Carey-themed holiday merchandise and other “stuff” geared towards her die-hard fans.

According to her website, the double-album will include the original “Merry Christmas” album on the first CD. The second CD, however, will have “rare remixes, previously unreleased live tracks from Mariah’s 1994 St. John the Divine concert, and Mariah’s brand-new, festive rendition of the Sugar Plum Fairy”. For those of us who don’t follow Mimi as closely as her “lambily” does, the St. John the Divine concert was a 1994 performance at Harlem’s historic cathedral where Carey (then in peak vocal form) apparently brought the house down with her musical prowess. Up to this point, the only song that has been released from that night, however, is “Joy to the World”. Needless to say, fans are very excited about these songs that have heretofore been locked away. 

Carey’s “Merry Christmas” album has been monumental in its success, having sold 15 million copies worldwide and becoming the best-selling Christmas album of all time.

And of course, the album’s lead single, “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, has become a cultural phenomenon. Not only has the original song garnered countless covers and remixes from other singers, but it has surpassed its status as a holiday song to become the 12th best-selling single of all time. Not to mention, “All I Want For Christmas Is You” has charted on the Billboard Hot 100 every holiday season since its release. 

For many people, celebrating Christmas with Mariah Carey has become a yearly tradition. It’s no wonder that Carey chooses to update and re-release the album every few years to keep milking her cash cow. We don’t blame her! And although she may be reluctant to take on the title of “Queen of Christmas”, its undeniable that her songs are inextricable from the holiday celebration.

In a surprise that came to no one, Mariah Carey fans flooded Twitter with their unbridled excitement.

Mimi certainly knows how to whip up anticipation for her projects. We have a feeling MC knew that the long-awaited release of her 1994 St. John the Divine would send her fans into a frenzy.

It didn’t take long for MC’s fans to get right into the holiday spirit.

It’s not even October yet and we’re already putting up our stockings and hanging our mistletoe. 

This Latino was almost too excited about the announcement to get his words out: 

Just another reason for us to open up our wallets for The Queen of Christmas. Take our money! Take all of it!

This Twitter user had a genius idea for a bonus track on the new album.

We think this is a fantastic idea. After all, Carey is obviously open to collaboration, having recorded a duet of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” with Justin Bieber. If a Lil Nas X collab happened, we would be able to go to our graves with a smile on our face.

This MC-stan spoke on behalf of all the fans that had been curious about her secretive concert for a long time.

If her 1994 performance is anything like her other performances circa the mid-90s, we know that this album will be well worth the money. 

As for us, we have to agree with what Mimi said on Monday about how she feels about celebrating the holidays in September: “I’m almost but not quite ready to celebrate Christmas yet. We’ve gotta get through Halloween and Thanksgiving first”. Amen. But as soon as November 1st rolls around, we’ll be ready to kick-off Christmas with her new double-album.