things that matter

Here Is A List Of Christmas Gifts That Latinos Will Find Funny

mitú

Ah, Christmas, Nochebuena, Navidad…. the night of useless presents and crazy tías with their weird traditions. Life is full of mysteries and one of those just totally inexplicable things is why people keep gifting each other strange and useless things. But well, es Navidad y todo se vale, right?

1. A Guacardo Christmas Pin! GUACAMOLE!

This is absolutely cute and it yells I am Latino and love a cheesy Christmas. If you are dating a non-Latino give it to them to make them part of the familia!

2. Best flans pin pack…

The best gift for that mejor amiga who loves kitschy but fashionable gifts with a twist. Now we want abuela’s famous flan de cajeta.

3. Let’s be honest…. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS OTRO PLATO AND WE HAVE A SWEATER TO PROVE IT!

Oh, Christmas, a time for family, joy, and overeating!

4. A conchas sweatshirt…. cover those tetas, mija

The little mermaid has conchas de mar, but you can gift conchas de pan dulce. What a gift!

5. We are head over heels over this Guacardo Pom Pom Beanie

The ideal gift for that hipster primo who is proudly Latino but loves his avocado brunch at the precio moderado de un chingo.

6. No jodan aunties, I am better off alone. Mejor sola sweatshirt.  

For that independent young woman in the family who dreads Christmas because people don’t leave her alone asking her about galanes. This sweatshirt makes it loud and clear: don’t mess with me!

7. A San Marcos blanket

Credit: http_%2F%2Fo.aolcdn.com%2Fhss%2Fstorage%2Fmidas%2Fd786070deacf0420a73639b7f3467a28%2F206054090%2Fsan+marcos . Digital image. HuffPost Mexico

We are sure you have seen one of these cobertores printed with wild animals and super ñero landscapes. We all had one as kids.

8. A six pack of Nochebuena beer

Credit: 1482108036_582789_1482109542_noticia_normal. Digital image. Verne El Pais

A classic Mexican holiday beer that doesn’t really taste that good, but everyone is afraid to admit that fact. Drinking one of these chelas is that the holiday spirit is all about.

9. An ugly abuelita sweater

Credit: Kitty-Puppy-Hay-Ride-Tacky-Cat-Lady-Ugly-Sweatshirt-Plus-Size. Digital image. The Ugly Sweater Shop

Thanks, but no thanks. Navidad sweaters tend to be conservative and super stuffy in all their polyester glory. Guácala.

10. Yet another tortilla container

Credit: s-l640. Digital image.eBay

Every Mexican-American household has a tortillero that sports some horrible flower pattern or an Aztec-themed adornito. One is enough, gracias por nada.

11. A kitsch as hell nacimiento 

Credit: 1c4c9bfc70419e086ce8a4c75cb4f477. Digital image. Pinterest

Ya, no más porfavor. Nativity scenes are big for Latinos and even though they won’t be used until the following year, if ever. Some of these nacimientos are ungodly in their ugliness (pun intended).

12. Baby Jesus clothes… yes, they are a thing

Credit: Divino-Nino-GalaVestido-Nino-DiosRopa-Nino-DiosBaby-Jesus. Digital image. PicClick

Nothing worse than the tías that gift each other weird Barbie-like clothes for their Niño Jesús. There are even versions with soccer jerseys.

13. DVD collections of telenovela classics…. there’s streaming you know…

Credit: Cuna_De_Lobos__Cradle_Of_Wolves__DVD_Cutversion_W__English_S. Digital image. Bukalapak

Please, mamá, no one uses DVDs anymore and I can just stream Corazón Salvaje or Silvana Sin Lana!

14. A hideous bufanda badly knit by your aunt

Credit: Photo Oct 28, 3 26 38 PM. Digital image. Memoirs of an Old Soul.

Tía Cholita is terrible at knitting but in three decades of ugly and uneven scarfs no one has been brave enough to tell her.

15. Horrible Acapulco souvenirs made out of shells

Credit: 3-a-animals-e1402328730919. Digital image. Travel Blog

Everyone has a pariente who visits the motherland and buys horrible souvenirs but only gift them when it is time for the intercambio de Navidad. 

16. Fake Cuban cigars…. do not try at home!

Credit: cohiba-2-1024×768. Digital image.  Havana Times

Repeat after me: Cuban cigars are legal now, no need to gift those Cohiba wannabes that taste like an ashtray as soon as you light them.

17. Yet another rosario

Credit: 3d2b18b2d64b37dc8c139316fa2caa58. Digital image. Pinterest

No abuelita, praying doesn’t make me un buen muchacho.

18. Red chones to get you ready for New Year’s

Credit: h37-1459.pycc_heidi-klum-intimates_217_velvet-orchid-thong-brief_poppy-red-cafe-creme_ff.1531783963 . Digital image. Bendon Ligerie

Nothing more embarrassing that having your family see that red thong a cheeky cousin gave you to wish you a healthy sex life for the upcoming year.

19. Decoraciones de Navidad: seriously, it is Xmas already, why would I need more decorations? Duh.

Credit: adornos-navidad-fieltro. Digital image. Manualidades

It is already Christmas, why would you give me even more decorations? Makes no pinche sentido.

20. A San Antonio so you can put it upside down to see if you finally stop being a solterona. Those people can’t understand that women can be single and independent! Ya déjenme en paz!

Credit: NwYU4 . Digital image. SDP NOTICIAS

Any single woman over 25 is judged by nosy relatives as a quedada, a spinster. Legend has it that you have to put this saint upside down to attract buenos partidos. Just don’t, I am dating myself thank you very much.

22. A bottle of cheap rum with a bow that probably cost more than the booze itself

Credit: ronjamaica. Digital image. The Clinic Online

One of those last minute gifts picked up at the corner shop. The cheap tío will probably beg you to open the chupe and drink it himself. No es justo!

23. An ugly handwoven table runner…. really, who uses those?

Credit: camino-de-mesa-en-crochet_7_900. Digital image. Facilisimo

No one uses table runners. Period. Chances are they will be forgotten in a kitchen drawer, pero no importa. 

24. Rompope filled chocolates that are bound to give you a terrible sugar cruda

Credit: 41QGyFZ8PFL. Digital image. Amazon

Those damn chocolates filled with eggnog are so damn sweet and addictive that they give you a sugar rush and then a bad hangover the next day. We love to hate them and hate to love them.

25. Super kitsch jewelry de fantasía

Credit: 616Fu9iM4pL._SY500_ . Digital image. Amazon.

Do you really think I will go out clubbing wearing that? These pieces of bisutería are generally a season or ten too old…

26. Stop it with the Navidad themed toilet covers

Credit: 3-unid-set-Navidad-elfos-Cubiertas-de-inodoro-higi-nico-Sets-Navidad-Decoraci-n-Ba-eras.jpg_640x640. Digital image. Ali Expres

They are not hygienic and no one wants to have Santa looking into their private toilet business. No one who is on their right mind puts what is basically a plush toil on the escusado, come on!  Qué asco.

27. A Luismi CD. Yes, un pinche cé dé!

Credit: lm. Digital image. RoMaNo

Some older relatives just do not get that CDs are a thing of the past and keep gifting these relics with the same recycled Luis Miguel songs… yes, we know the Netflix show was a big hit, but that doesn’t make these cool…. chances are they will end up as decoration for el arbolito de Navidad next year.

28. A Spanish-English dictionary that is oh so passive aggressive

Credit: 038427_FB7C506F5EC34FBD82C30195BA61EF50. Digital image. School Speciality

Being pushed by the relatives to perfect your español? This might be the best cachetada con guante blanco in the book. So you now know, mijitos, better polish your language skills or face the bilingual police!

29. What you gave them on the intercambio the previous year

Credit: 1513271683_590677_1513272873_noticia_normal. Digital image. W Radio

Yes, it is not uncommon for extended families to just keep recycling the same old regalitos for generations. But that is what Christmas spirit is all about!


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How Are You Most Likely Going To Die According To Your Zodiac Sign?

things that matter

How Are You Most Likely Going To Die According To Your Zodiac Sign?

Most people would consult a crystal ball to find out just what death has in store. But, we know that your zodiac is just as likely to know what the circumstances of your death are going to be.

Are you ready for the cold, hard truth? Read on to find out just how you’ll kick the bucket …

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Instagram: @dianaahernandez

Aries, you’re a firecracker. You’ve got bucketloads of passion to spare. It’s no secret that you seek adventure in your life. Your death will definitely reflect this.

Instagram: @enriquenoriega

Most likely, you’ll end up dying in the fiery depths of an active volcano. How you got there, no-one will know. But they will know it was you, by the backpack you’ll leave behind. News reports will talk about how you couldn’t resist the thought of adding to your legacy by climbing your way to the top of a volcano.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Instagram: @themightybree

You’re a grounded, sensible sort, Taurus. People know you for your loyalty, and your stubbornness. To be honest, they can’t imagine you dying – you’re too reliable to just go and die on everyone.

Instagram: @juubjib

So, your death will take everyone by surprise. In short: it’ll be a car crash. You’ll be minding your own business, driving your car through the countryside, when out of nowhere, a bale of hay will roll its way toward you. You can guess the rest.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Instagram: @hautekittencosplay

Gemini, you enjoy being social and chatting to anyone who doesn’t mind not being able to get a word in edgeways. Your family wouldn’t be surprised if you died mid-sentence.

Instagram: @hollywoodcinemaclub

So how will you go? You’ll be singing your heart out at karaoke. Literally. Screaming the words to Despacito the way that you do is no good for anyone’s heart. Even though the ambulance mightn’t arrive on time, at least you’ll have something that’s a little different on your tombstone.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Instagram: @morales_photograph

Cancer, let’s face it, your defining characteristic is your sensitivity. You’re a romantic at heart. Those that know you would say that you’d most likely die from a broken heart.

Instagram: @cruisecanaveral

But, your death will be the opposite. It will be romantic. But still oh-so-devastating. Filled with wanderlust, and all sorts of other lust, you’ll be enjoying a cruise with your lover. The pair of you will inevitably find yourselves re-enacting that scene from Titanic. You know the one. As you yell joyfully off the front of the ship, your lover will realise they won’t be able to hold you, and you’ll end up in the water, lost to the seas.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Instagram: @danielagomezmx

Leo, you’re a bit of a drama queen. You like being the centre of attention, and the centre of the party. Your friends would guess that you’d most likely die with a glass of sangria in one hand, and a cigarette in the other.

Instagram: @tunamakesfive

This means that your death will be kind of tragic, in its own way. You’ll most likely die alone, surrounded by cats. Which is fine, since your cats are pretty much like family, anyway. The only problem will be that no-one will be able to ask the cats just what exactly happened. Although, the spilled bag of kibble and the ladder on the floor might give it away.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Instagram: @missisgerda

Virgo, with your penchant for perfectionism, most people would guess that you’d live forever. You’re the type to follow a strict, healthy diet, exercise right, and meditate your way through life. You’d think that would grant you some sort of immunity to dying, right?

Instagram: @pencils_at_dawn

So your death will be unremarkable. To be honest, most people would die for a chance to have a peaceful death like yours. You’ll be old, surrounded by family and friends, and will most likely pass in your sleep.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Instagram: @hotandsweetladies

Libra, you’re one hella busy babe. You’re usually juggling 10,000 things at once, and you’re pretty good at doing it, too!

Instagram: @traveldiaries07

You death will be a big mystery. One day you’ll just vanish. You’ll be the subject of a best-selling book, and extremely popular podcast. People will speculate whether you’ve really died, or whether you’re now sunning yourself on a nice beach somewhere, chuckling over the commentary in the media.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Instagram: @paulamanzz

You’re a bit of a mystery, Scorpio. You’re loyal, but also competitive to a fault. This all comes down to your intensity, and you invest a lot in your relationships.

Instagram: @svenngaarden

Scorpio, with your insatiable appetite for sex, did you expect to kick the bucket any other way? While it’s rare, it’s entirely possible to die from having a really vigorous bonk. At least you’re going out with a … bang.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

Instagram: @glamour_shoprd

Sagittarius, it’s hard to tell what defines you more: your curiosity and energy, or your serious case of wanderlust. Extroverted and optimistic are two words that people use when they describe you. You’re known for being a chill, fun-loving person. Most would think that you’d die from being too relaxed.

Instagram: @bhagyashree.online

But it’s exactly your sense of fun that’ll see you kick the bucket, Sagittarius. Just like the Greek philosopher Chrysippus of Soli, you’ll most likely die of laughter. Although, you probably won’t be laughing for the same reason he did – it was after he watched a donkey trying to eat figs.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Instagram: @didinspire

Capricorn, you are known for being controlled, conscientious and practical. You’re disciplined and hard-working. Most would say that you’re dedicated to becoming a success. In fact, they’d guess that that would be your downfall, and they’d almost be right.

Instagram: @av.cihanesin

Rather, you’ll most likely die trying to prove a point. Think along the lines of Clement Vallandigham, a 19th century lawyer, who accidentally shot himself dead trying to prove that a victim could have accidentally shot himself dead. At least you’ll die right, Capricorn.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Instagram: @cihansimsekvideo

Aquarius, you’re intelligent, quirky, and friendly. We know that, at your core, you’re a humanitarian. You can’t resist the opportunity to do a good deed.

Instagram: @worldpackers

Which is why we know that even if we warn you not to volunteer overseas anymore, you’re probably not going to listen to us. After all, you’d rather die knowing you were doing it in the name of bettering humanity, right? Just watch out for the food. It’s not going to be gentle on your insides.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Instagram: @ashes.x.o

As a water sign, you’ve got sensitivity covered, Pisces. You care about your friends and family deeply. But, unfortunately, that’s not going to stop your death.

Instagram: @slon.yulka

Pisces, we won’t beat around the bush. You’re going to drown. But not in the way you expect. Beware of glasses of water from here, because they’re not your friend. Sure, hydration is important, but so is avoiding suspicious drinks.

So now you know how you’re going to go. Were you surprised by your zodiac, or did you already have suspicions about your future? Let us know what you think on our Facebook page by clicking the icon at the top of the page!

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