Here’s All The Proof You Need To Prove That Your Primos Make The Holidays Worth Celebrating
For all the time we spend talking to our therapists about la chancla and our fear of facing the wrath of maintaining an impossibly clean house during the holidays, we spend 0 percent of our time talking about los primos. That’s because they save the holidays. They help you love every aspect of your weird childhood and feel honored af to be a member of the coolest generation.
They’ve been there for all the mom-ragers, poolside grilled cheeses, and hurricane parties, and not a single family gathering would be tolerable without them. If you have primos, then you already know.
1. Your primos are effectively tus hermanos.
You were co-parented by your mom and tía (formally known as The Moms), and you all learned to swim, blow bubbles in the pool, and sneak out of the house together. This Latino gang goes way back.
2. No pool party was complete without them.
Why? Because you needed their collective begging to convince The Moms that we were going to be the most annoying children in the world unless they let us in the pool, even though they just cleaned the house.
3. Stuck inside during a hurricane? Thank Dios tus primos are here.
If not, you’d be forced to help apply Vaporub to your abuelo’s wrists, ears, and ankles, for whatever reason. Instead, you get to team up to get a rise out of your youngest primo who hates the game of Life and always will.
4. The actual game of Life gets more fun as you get older.
We went from making potions out of Listerine and toothpaste and maple syrup and leaving it in our parents’ mouthwash to sneaking tequila in the bottle of orange juice and sneaking out.
5. As adults, you go home for the primos.
They’re the generation that has the common sense not to wear MAGA hats and betray our Latinidad. Maybe I’m projecting, but this is the generation we’ll have till death do us part.
6. They told us Santa wasn’t real.
If you were the oldest sibling in your family branch, then your prima was the one who told you that the reason Santa wants sugar free cookies and Diet Coke is because Santa is The Moms. ????
It’s cruel, but we’re glad it was a prima and not some pedestrian friend.
7. They also muscled through Communion and Confirmation with us.
Being forced to take CCD classes and profess your faith, whether you had la fe or nah, was so much more fun with a sacrilegious cousin or two to join you. At one point, my prima told me that she “can’t wait until I grow out of this [God-believing] phase.” ????
8. The group text is always entertaining. See this “Marry, Fuck, Kill” con mis primos:
You marry the bread-winner and wine-maker. Duhhh.
You also make sure your moms never ever see your texts because you’re still high key afraid of them even though we’re grown. My mom has no idea where to find my content and never will.
9. Really, you know you’re close because your Moms are obsessed with each other.
It feels good to be able to talk to someone about how The Moms know that they were married in a past life in Italy and one of them died by a bomb and that they’re soulmates. ????
Yeah, we’re all close. We’re Latinos.
10. You’ve been playing the Mannequin Challenge since you were un jóven.
While The Moms were shopping and bonding, and we were exploding with the rage of boredom. We pretended we were mannequins in department stores and running from the insides of clothes racks to clothes racks playing made up games.
I guess they helped with our imagination.
11. Because they know us so well, our primos know how to push our buttons like nadie.
You’re just chillin’, minding your own business, being a Diet Coke like your Mamma raised you, and your primo can make you explode with emotion with a simple, “You’re the whitest cousin.”
12. The family dynamic did not include the uncles who married in.
It doesn’t matter what our dads said. The Moms were in charge and we knew exactly who to tattle to. Just like a Young Cardi B. ????
13. They will vouch for the chancla abuse your mom conveniently forgot.
“OH, no te recuerdes that time you shoved me into a garbage can?! Cecily does.”
Make sure there are no chanclas around to rebuff your claim.
14. They told you what TV shows and artists were cool.
While I was in the land of Motown and Celia Cruz, my primos told me I should be listening to Menudo and watching Hey, Arnold, not The Days of Our Lives.
Thank you a million.
15. Tus primas taught you how to look your own age.
Because up until then, you were wearing bedazzled denim caps and newsboy caps with gold shimmer lipstick. ???? Thanks for teaching us that cat-eye, Camila. Adopt me as your cousin?
16. You were never alone growing up.
Whether you wanted to be or not, and you’ll never be alone in your life again. There will always be a new cousin, or an old cousin, to ignite your fire for life.
17. And believe in a God only because life would be worthless without your primos.
My and my cousin, Cecily, would tell each other that we weren’t just soulmates, we were the other half of each other’s souls. We were attached at the hip and beyond obsessed with each other, and childhood would have been just a montage of chanclas and child labor without each other. Te quiero, prima.
18. And as adults, you have your own Banned Book Club.
Courtesy of Danielli Marzouca
Of course, the oldest cousin is the organizer. We start with authors we were banned from reading as kids because eso es el anticristo. Then, all 47 of us hop on a call together! #adulting
19. Your Latino gang has strength in numbers.
Please listen to “I Like It” by Cardi B immediately if you aren’t picking up that reference. Whether you’re the Puerto Rican or Cuban cousins, you have a whole squad who will go to bat for you, even against The Moms.
20. So go find your favorite primos and thank them for their service.
You wouldn’t be who you are today without them, and wouldn’t want to be anything or anyone else. If you’re too choked up and at a loss for words, just share this page, we won’t stop you. ????
Te quiero, mis primos!
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