relationships

The Latino Parent Sex Talk: Don’t Have Sex

For the most part, Latino parents still believe terror, guilt and avoidance are the best contraceptives. Instead of having real, useful — and yes, often uncomfortable — sex talks, our parents have chosen to use one liners as their sex-ed manual. We regret to report most of it has failed miserably.

La intimidad es para el matrimonio.

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CREDIT: THEPROBLEMWITHDATING/ NEW GIRL/ FOX

If you remain single you’re pretty much f*cked. (No, no pun intended.)

Sex is disgusting y el diablo es puerco.

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CREDIT: selenaamgomez / Tumblr

Yeah, we all know the devil created the greatest pleasures. ?

You don’t want everyone saying you’re fácil.

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CREDIT: VH1 / Giphy

Which is why I don’t tell anyone.

Dios no aprueba eso.

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CREDIT: TOY STORY/Disney / whatshouldtheatrecallme / Tumblr

Added to the long list of things He doesn’t approve.

You’ll end up pregnant. Or dead.

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CREDIT: ifunny.com

Then I must be infertile.

Si tienes sexo, you’ll ruin the rest of your life.

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CREDIT: GURL.COM/ PRETTY WOMAN/ BUENA VISTA PICTURES

We know what you mean. Flash news: Condoms exist.

Vas a deshonrar a la familia.

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CREDIT: aulty / Tumblr

I wasn’t planing on inviting any of you.

If you have sex, tu papá will die.

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CREDIT: GIPHY/ FAMILY GUY/ 20TH CENTURY FOX

I saw him this morning, he’s looked alive and well.

Virginity es el regalo más preciado you can give your future husband.

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CREDIT: Bridesmaids / Universal Studios / Katsgiflibrary / Tumblr

Damn I wasted ALL this time building a strong character, a high work ethic, sense of faithfulness and independence for NOTHING?

Anita got pregnant, menos mal que tu, mija, eres virgen.

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CREDIT: FRIENDS/ NBC

It’s kinda cute how moms can be so naive.

We don’t talk about those things in this house.

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CREDIT: SEXUALFUTURIST.COM/ AUSTIN POWERS/ NEW LINE CINEMA

Of course we don’t. Anita’s family didn’t either.

Share if this is how the sex talk went at home. 

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9 Things That Make Mom Go From 0 to Gangster

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Even the sweetest mom turns terrifying gangster in the time it takes a grenade to go off if you do something like…

When you try sneaking a fork into the sink… Right after she’s done doing the dishes.

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Credit: yourreactiongifs / Tumblr

Nothing ticks her off more.

When you side with your papá during one of their nonsensical arguments.

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Credit: The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon / NBC

The ultimate betrayal.

If you tell her you’re dieting.

Credit: @grimgnight / Instagram

She puts this in front of you anyway…but not before ranting about how hard she worked to make it for you.

When you surprise her with a little ink.

Credit: @nahirhoran / Instagram

Her reaction was far scarier than the needle.

That time you revealed you don’t want kids.

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Credit: María la del Mar / Televisa / caffeinepapi / Tumblr

“How could you do this to me?”

READ: 13 Things Your Latina Mom Will Never Say

When you dyed your hair.

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Credit: yourreactiongifs / Tumblr

She nearly fainted.

When she heard you drop the f-bomb.

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Credit: smalltowndemocrat / Tumblr

¿Dónde fregados aprendiste a hablar así?

When you insult her telenovela.

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Credit: meganfoxrocksmyworld / Tumblr

Break her heart, why don’t you?

Quiz: Which Telenovela Role Would You Play?

But whatever you do… Do NOT ignore her calls.

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Credit: Mean Girls / Paramount Pictures / geekylaugifs / Tumblr

She immediately assumes you’re hurt and if you’re not, you will be when she’s through with you.

What have you done to piss off mama the most? Tell us in the comments below and be sure to share on Facebook and Twitter.