bad hombres

The Kinds Of Dads You Meet While Dating

Movieclips/Youtube/Desperado/Sony Pictures/The Five People You Meet In Heaven/Hyperion Books

For any guy navigating the uncharted waters of a new relationship, there are necessary obstacles that must be contended with, but none more for formidable than meeting the parents — specifically, her father:

The George Lopez Show / Warner Bros.

What is this, Shawshank State Prison? Dads can be real ballbusters sometimes.

But why should I give a sh*t about that old dude?

Coming to America / Paramount Pictures

Getting in with him is the most effective way to get with her — I mean, if that’s your goal. Also, it’s a nice bonus to have someone you can watch games with if you get stuck going to your girl’s family parties.

Because her dad can end up being the father that you always wanted…

Home Improvement / Wind Dancer Productions

He could give you the “birds and bees” talk with more power.

…or, just as easily, a barrel-throwing gorilla hell-bent on keeping you away from his princess.

Donkey Kong / Nintendo

In this scenario, you’re a plumber. That’s a great job and her old man’s still not happy! Dads, am I right?

Determining which dad she has starts by learning what kinds there are.

Three Men and a Baby / Disney

There are more than three types of dads and really only one kind of mustache.

1) The Overprotective Dad

Fools Rush In / Sony Pictures / Youtube

When you met this dad, he was conveniently in the middle of cleaning his guns. He mentions that you look like the guy who killed his best friend whenever he sees you holding hands with his daughter, so sex in his house is definitely out of the question. To get around this, do it somewhere he won’t find you: the backseat of a car in the graveyard parking lot.

2) The Too Cool Dad

Modern Family / ABC

The opposite of the Overprotective Dad. He prefers that you do it in his house, where he knows you’re safe, rather than the backseat of a car in the graveyard parking lot. He’ll even offer condoms. This guy’s cool af.

3) The Dad Who Just Wants To Be Buddies

American Pie / Universal Pictures

The difference between the last dad and this one is that this dude always wanted a son and is willing sacrifice his daughter to get one. He’ll invite you to help yourself to the beers in his fridge and will even go so far as to offer you pot if he thinks it’ll get you out back for a game of catch.

4) The Unhappy Dad

Jaws / Universal Pictures

This dad is just exhausted from the rigors or being a father. He sees a lot of you in him. Real exchanges with this guy are few and far between because he’s up for work at 5am and goes to bed right after dinner. He loves his family, but during parties, he takes you aside and warns you like the Ghost Dad of Christmas Future to run for your life before you make the same mistakes he has. Take his advice.

5) The Negligent Dad

The Simpsons / Fox

Your girlfriend likes to party all the time, but she didn’t get to be so fun without this dad’s (lack of) help. His hands-off approach to parenting forced his daughter to grow up fast. If you ever meet him, he’ll ask to bum a cigarette and need a ride somewhere that’s open in the middle of the night. You get to become the responsible guy that your girlfriend never had — all you have to do is be there for her, forever. No pressure.

6) The Funny Dad

Mrs. Doubtfire / 20th Century Fox

My favorite kind. He’s hilarious in a corny dad-joke way. Watch in amazement as this master of puns performs bits that are sometimes just inside jokes he has with himself. His daughter may have stolen your heart, but this man has stolen your nose.

7) The Racist Dad

Gran Torino / Warner Bros.

The only jokes this dude knows are the kind where he has to look around first to make sure it’s “safe” to whisper. While he’s not technically funny-funny, he IS loud — and boy howdy, is he uncomfortable around brown people. He’s got a lot of opinions and they all come from a bad place. There’s an #AllLivesMatter bumper sticker on his truck and he clutches a concealed carry whenever he drives through what he considers a “bad neighborhood.”

8) The NPR Dad

Clarissa Explains It All / Nickelodeon / Thunder Pictures

The opposite of the Racist Dad. When he’s not complimenting you on the rich history of your culture, he’s over-empathizing with the plight of “your people.” He’s always talking your ear off about world events, so you gotta study a newspaper or follow C-SPAN on Twitter just to hold a conversation with this dude. He’ll offer up his Tesla because he doesn’t want you creating a bigger carbon footprint when you take his daughter out in that “gas guzzler” you’re driving.

9) The Old Ass Dad

Lethal Weapon / Warner Bros. / Giphy

Don’t break the news to your girlfriend, but she’s probably an “accident,” because this dad was already supplementing with Metamucil and flexing an AARP discount by the time she was born. He’s pretty uninvolved with her life; it’s not that he doesn’t care about his little girl, it’s just 7pm, so he ate supper an hour ago and is ready to go down for the night. His daughter’s changed his diapers as much as he has hers.

10)  The Dad Who Looks Like You, But Older

Nova / Sigmund Freud the Father of Psychoanalysis / Youtube

Your girlfriend won’t call you “papi” because it’s “too weird” and you didn’t know how right she was until you met her dad. It’s like looking into a Freudian mirror, or that one Snapchat filter. He’s noticed that you look like the young version of him — and so has his wife! If you play your cards right, it seems only logical that you could make a play for her, too.

11) The Red Flag Dad

Shameless / Showtime

You wouldn’t have even noticed that your girl’s drinking was cause for concern without this dad. He puts the D-U-I in the sentence “My dad got another DUI.” He learned the alphabet backwards, “just in case.”  He’s deceivingly smart for a guy you first met while his head was stuck in a doggy door. He smells like a brewery and is always a little too close to you when he talks, but he’s nice even if he doesn’t like you because he never knows if he’ll need to borrow some “clean” pee in a pinch.

12) And Finally, The LEGIT Scary Dad

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Major Payne / Universal Pictures

Some dads act tough, but this one’s got the body count to back it up. He’s been to war and will casually drop his total number of confirmed kills into any conversation. He rarely speaks, but every time he does, you pee a little bit. Once, you saw him in a dream for like, a second, and then that was it — like, nothing noteworthy happened, but that alone was enough to make it a nightmare.

All dads are alike in that they weren’t fathers until suddenly, they were.

The Maury Povich Show / NBC Universal

I shudder to imagine how startling it must be to switch from selfish to selfless in the drop of a sperm. One day you’re swiping away with reckless abandon and the next you’re losing sleep to protect your little girl from the kinds of wolves that you used to be.

If you believe in karma, I’ve lived the sort of life that guarantees I’ll have a daughter.

How I Met Your Mother / CBS

This article was inspired by my own fears as I prepare to someday become a father. Looking at the list of dad types, maybe you’ll get a glimpse at which one you will be. Hopefully, it’s not the kind whose daughter has sex in the backseat of a car in the graveyard parking lot.



Our FIERCE Readers Share Some of the Most Outrageous Lies They’ve Told To Get Some Time Away With Their Boo

Fierce

Our FIERCE Readers Share Some of the Most Outrageous Lies They’ve Told To Get Some Time Away With Their Boo

@theromantictravelers / Instagram

Vacationing with your significant other is a big step in a relationship. It isn’t just the shared travel or the expense that can be the most trying. Many times, it’s figuring out a cover story to tell the padres. Don’t got it wrong, we’re grown. However, Latinx folk still have to answer to our parents when we leave the house. So if we want to vacay with the novio, we need an alibi. 

With this in mind, we asked our FIERCE readers what their go-to lies are whenever they need to cover up a vacation with their significant other. You might want to jot these excuses down for the next time you need a justification for a weekend away.

1. The mandatory vacay.

Instagram / @happilyeveradventures

“I told my parents I would be out of town (only an hour away from home) for work and that my job was paying for everything and that it was mandatory we all stay there in the hotel because my dad said I could just drive everyday I needed to go. We ended up vacationing 12 hours away from home 😂 they still haven’t found out lol.” — @baerenis 

2. Technically, she still went to Disney.

Instagram / @aprilroselb

“I had a summer job that involved church and I told my mom I was going to stay an extra week because a bunch of us were going to Disneyland. My boyfriend ended up picking me up and we did technically go to Disneyland, but it was just him and me. Lol” — @lilpeaches_12 

3. Total fail but still worth it. 

Instagram / @theromantictravelers

“Went to Rosarito w/ex to a wedding and told my mom I was going to visit girlfriends in San Francisco. One of my moms friends lives in Rosarito and recognized me at wedding. Total fail. Lady memorized my license plate # y todo 😂😂🇲🇽”   @vidajuicebar_

4. The abuela alibi. 

Instagram / @bestwestern_plus_suitcase

“My now husband is from a town 2 hours away from Houston, and the only way my parents would let me stay the weekend over there, was if I stayed and slept with his grandmother. We would actually stay in a hotel room from Friday – Sunday in downtown, 4 miles away from my parents house. This was back in 2003, there’s no way I could get away with that now with smart phones! 😂” @areal1982

5. Staycation, all she ever wanted.

Instagram / @kvadventuretravel

“Lol I would just tell them I was working a long shift and leave for a stay-cation.” @jenoemi87

6. When white lies become second nature.

Instagram / @alinadelcaru 

“I lied until I got married at 31 😂 now my instinct is to lie but stop my self because – wait a minute I’m married now! 😂” — @deerayv

7. This lie came with a lot of work.

Instagram / @el_palauet

“My husband and I had been dating for almost a year he wanted to take me to Puerto Vallarta for my birthday I didn’t know how to tell my parents my husband was like how old are you I said were Mexican we don’t sleep over nobody’s house ever we sleep at home. I told my dad my job needed me to travel to mexico since they were branching out to Puerto Vallarta and they needed a fluent Spanish speaker he was so excited they picked me. He said go tell me what hotel your staying at so I can tell your primos from El Rancho to meet you there… 🤦‍♀️ I gave him the wrong hotel name each time he called I would say were in meetings or were looking at property I’ll call the primos when I have time. We met 1 time to show I wasn’t with anybody I shouldn’t have been with… 😂”  — @melliesemily  

8. You need to go to confessional after this one.

Instagram / @theromantictravelers

“I told my mom I was going on a church retreat and got a text free number to pretend I was one of the people at church verifying I was attending 😩💀 I’m going to hell.” — @aimechinchilla

9. An educational experience.

Instagram / @theromantictravelers

“So I’ve always been super involved on campus and sometimes for student government we would travel and once we went on a trip to a conference for 2 days but I told my parents it’s was for 5 so the other 3 days estaba de pata larga 😉😂 later on that always became my excuse que tenía una conferencia para la escuela (btw i would tell them they were at other sister schools so you know it’s educational ) en total I probably actually had like 5 conferences my whole college career but to them it was like every other month 🤷🏻‍♀️😂” — @anythingforcelinaaas

10. That’s what friends are for.

Instagram / @fairmontsanfrancisco

“I was 20 and had been dating my bf for a year and he had the house for himself one weekend. I told my parents I was sleeping over at my friend’s house and got my dad to drop me off there (about a 20 minute drive away). My bf was waiting for me around the corner and came and picked me up. My friend even played the game and came and said hi to my dad 😂” — @laviajeraporvida

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRJdv6QJ7Nc

From Taurus To Cancer, These Are The Most Compatible Signs With Virgo

Entertainment

From Taurus To Cancer, These Are The Most Compatible Signs With Virgo

nicoolay / Getty Images

Who are we kidding: one of the major reasons all of us check our horoscope is to find out what the future has in store for us when it comes to love and lust. After all, you know that if you’re really meant to be together, then it’ll be written in the stars. 

So Virgo, in honor of your birthday, we’ve put together a quick guide to point you in the direction of your soulmate.

Virgo with an Aries (March 21 – April 19) creates an explosively fiery passion.

Instagram / @pavingsunrays

Part of what attracts you to Aries is the fact that they do everything with so much passion. You can’t help but be attracted to the fire in their soul. But Virgo, you can only function on their level for so long until you burn out. For you, a relationship with Aries takes work.

Compatibility: Low

Virgo with a Taurus (April 20 – May 20) is a matchmaker’s pick!

Instagram / @the.bridal.visions

Taurus are known for being super grounded and down to earth, and that’s exactly the kind of person you need in your life, Virgo. Your drive for perfectionism means that your Taurus can put things into perspective for you – they’re the yin to your yang, so to speak.

Compatibility: High

Virgo with a Gemini (May 21 – June 20) sees opposites attract.

Instagram / @vcheckmark

If one of your brutally honest friends had to describe you, Virgo, they’d say you’re a bit of a square. And, they wouldn’t exactly be wrong. That’s why Gemini can get on your nerves a bit … they’ve always got their heads up in the clouds when you’re trying to be realistic!

Compatibility: Low

Virgo with a Cancer (June 21 – July 22) means both love and lust.

Instagram / @mannyg520

While on the surface it would seem like Cancer is a bit too emotional for you, Virgo, it turns out that they’re exactly the sort of person you need in your life – and they need you, too. Your pragmatism in the face of their emotional swings is what keeps them sane. And they remind you to stay in touch with your softer side. So you know what this means? You guys have fabulous, fulfilling sex. Noice.

Compatibility: High

Virgo with a Leo (July 23 – August 22) is one hell of a rollercoaster!

Instagram / @happy_healthy_fitcouple

Leo can definitely test your patience, Virgo. You’re a quiet achiever, whereas Leo likes to get all of the attention, wherever they can get it. Leo’s got a massive ego that needs stroking … and you’re more critical. As you can imagine, it’s pretty much the perfect environment for lots of silly bickering. Then again, every couple has those moments, right?

Compatibility: Medium

Virgo with a Virgo (August 23 – September 22) asks the question: can you ever have too much of a good thing?

Instagram / @miles.and.smiles

You’d think that being with someone who functions on the same vibe as you would be a match made in heaven. But, that’s only true to a certain extent. Given that the two of you are perfectionists and workaholics, you’d make a great power couple … that has almost zero romantic and sexual chemistry. If you want it to work, you’ve gotta work at it, Virgo.

Compatibility: Medium

Virgo with a Libra (September 23 – October 22) meshes realism with idealism.

Instagram / @vcheckmark

When people think Libra, they think social butterfly. When people think Virgo, they think shy. Virgo, you’re a realist, whereas Libras are an idealist. They say that opposites attract, but in your case, you’d probably find that the differences between you and Libra would eventually drag you away from each other. The both of you would really have to put in an effort to find your way back.

Compatibility: Low

Virgo with a Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) sees things heat up in the bedroom.

Instagram / @smperez

While Scorpio and Virgo can build a really secure and safe relationship, you kids can come unstuck when it comes to your attitudes towards the bedroom. Scorpio tends to be all about the real carnal side of the beast with two backs, whereas Virgo is more about connecting emotionally through sex.

Compatibility: Medium

Virgo with a Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) mixes fun and stability.

Instagram / @littledolewhips

It’s nice when you meet someone who’s as adaptable as you are. But in the case of Sagittarius, Virgo, you might find that they’re a little too spontaneous for your liking. That being said, they might get you to loosen up a little, which is never a bad thing in your case!

Compatibility: Medium

Virgo with a Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) is a match made in heaven!

Instagram / @bonitachinitalatina

Capricorn’s brand of perfectionism fits pretty well with your brand of perfectionism, Virgo. The difference is that you strive for better because you want to do good, whereas Capricorn wants to be good – at everything they do. And that makes you good together!

Compatibility: High

Virgo with an Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) is a hella smart match.

Instagram / @brazilcupid

Because both you and Aquarius are intellectual sorts, you’d find that you’d have what Alanis Morissette called, “intellectual intercourse.” But since the pair of you have such different approaches to life, you’d probably find it a lot easier to work on a friendship together, rather than a real steamy, romantic relationship.

Compatibility: Medium

Virgo with a Pisces (February 19 – March 20) means sweetness in spades.

Instagram / @yamelyhr

There’s no denying it, there’s definitely an attraction between you two. You’re both devoted, thoughtful and detail-oriented souls – but where Pisces is a dreamer, you’re much more realistic. If you’re both able to navigate your differences, then there’s no stopping you! Chances are, though, you’d find that your relationship will always be an ongoing project.

Compatibility: Medium

Does this explain a lot about your current relationship? Or, maybe more about what went wrong in your last romance? Let us know your thoughts on our Facebook page by clicking the icon at the top of the page!