bad hombres

The Kinds Of Dads You Meet While Dating

Movieclips/Youtube/Desperado/Sony Pictures/The Five People You Meet In Heaven/Hyperion Books

For any guy navigating the uncharted waters of a new relationship, there are necessary obstacles that must be contended with, but none more for formidable than meeting the parents — specifically, her father:

The George Lopez Show / Warner Bros.

What is this, Shawshank State Prison? Dads can be real ballbusters sometimes.

But why should I give a sh*t about that old dude?

Coming to America / Paramount Pictures

Getting in with him is the most effective way to get with her — I mean, if that’s your goal. Also, it’s a nice bonus to have someone you can watch games with if you get stuck going to your girl’s family parties.

Because her dad can end up being the father that you always wanted…

Home Improvement / Wind Dancer Productions

He could give you the “birds and bees” talk with more power.

…or, just as easily, a barrel-throwing gorilla hell-bent on keeping you away from his princess.

Donkey Kong / Nintendo

In this scenario, you’re a plumber. That’s a great job and her old man’s still not happy! Dads, am I right?

Determining which dad she has starts by learning what kinds there are.

Three Men and a Baby / Disney

There are more than three types of dads and really only one kind of mustache.

1) The Overprotective Dad

Fools Rush In / Sony Pictures / Youtube

When you met this dad, he was conveniently in the middle of cleaning his guns. He mentions that you look like the guy who killed his best friend whenever he sees you holding hands with his daughter, so sex in his house is definitely out of the question. To get around this, do it somewhere he won’t find you: the backseat of a car in the graveyard parking lot.

2) The Too Cool Dad

Modern Family / ABC

The opposite of the Overprotective Dad. He prefers that you do it in his house, where he knows you’re safe, rather than the backseat of a car in the graveyard parking lot. He’ll even offer condoms. This guy’s cool af.

3) The Dad Who Just Wants To Be Buddies

American Pie / Universal Pictures

The difference between the last dad and this one is that this dude always wanted a son and is willing sacrifice his daughter to get one. He’ll invite you to help yourself to the beers in his fridge and will even go so far as to offer you pot if he thinks it’ll get you out back for a game of catch.

4) The Unhappy Dad

Jaws / Universal Pictures

This dad is just exhausted from the rigors or being a father. He sees a lot of you in him. Real exchanges with this guy are few and far between because he’s up for work at 5am and goes to bed right after dinner. He loves his family, but during parties, he takes you aside and warns you like the Ghost Dad of Christmas Future to run for your life before you make the same mistakes he has. Take his advice.

5) The Negligent Dad

The Simpsons / Fox

Your girlfriend likes to party all the time, but she didn’t get to be so fun without this dad’s (lack of) help. His hands-off approach to parenting forced his daughter to grow up fast. If you ever meet him, he’ll ask to bum a cigarette and need a ride somewhere that’s open in the middle of the night. You get to become the responsible guy that your girlfriend never had — all you have to do is be there for her, forever. No pressure.

6) The Funny Dad

Mrs. Doubtfire / 20th Century Fox

My favorite kind. He’s hilarious in a corny dad-joke way. Watch in amazement as this master of puns performs bits that are sometimes just inside jokes he has with himself. His daughter may have stolen your heart, but this man has stolen your nose.

7) The Racist Dad

Gran Torino / Warner Bros.

The only jokes this dude knows are the kind where he has to look around first to make sure it’s “safe” to whisper. While he’s not technically funny-funny, he IS loud — and boy howdy, is he uncomfortable around brown people. He’s got a lot of opinions and they all come from a bad place. There’s an #AllLivesMatter bumper sticker on his truck and he clutches a concealed carry whenever he drives through what he considers a “bad neighborhood.”

8) The NPR Dad

Clarissa Explains It All / Nickelodeon / Thunder Pictures

The opposite of the Racist Dad. When he’s not complimenting you on the rich history of your culture, he’s over-empathizing with the plight of “your people.” He’s always talking your ear off about world events, so you gotta study a newspaper or follow C-SPAN on Twitter just to hold a conversation with this dude. He’ll offer up his Tesla because he doesn’t want you creating a bigger carbon footprint when you take his daughter out in that “gas guzzler” you’re driving.

9) The Old Ass Dad

Lethal Weapon / Warner Bros. / Giphy

Don’t break the news to your girlfriend, but she’s probably an “accident,” because this dad was already supplementing with Metamucil and flexing an AARP discount by the time she was born. He’s pretty uninvolved with her life; it’s not that he doesn’t care about his little girl, it’s just 7pm, so he ate supper an hour ago and is ready to go down for the night. His daughter’s changed his diapers as much as he has hers.

10)  The Dad Who Looks Like You, But Older

Nova / Sigmund Freud the Father of Psychoanalysis / Youtube

Your girlfriend won’t call you “papi” because it’s “too weird” and you didn’t know how right she was until you met her dad. It’s like looking into a Freudian mirror, or that one Snapchat filter. He’s noticed that you look like the young version of him — and so has his wife! If you play your cards right, it seems only logical that you could make a play for her, too.

11) The Red Flag Dad

Shameless / Showtime

You wouldn’t have even noticed that your girl’s drinking was cause for concern without this dad. He puts the D-U-I in the sentence “My dad got another DUI.” He learned the alphabet backwards, “just in case.”  He’s deceivingly smart for a guy you first met while his head was stuck in a doggy door. He smells like a brewery and is always a little too close to you when he talks, but he’s nice even if he doesn’t like you because he never knows if he’ll need to borrow some “clean” pee in a pinch.

12) And Finally, The LEGIT Scary Dad

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Major Payne / Universal Pictures

Some dads act tough, but this one’s got the body count to back it up. He’s been to war and will casually drop his total number of confirmed kills into any conversation. He rarely speaks, but every time he does, you pee a little bit. Once, you saw him in a dream for like, a second, and then that was it — like, nothing noteworthy happened, but that alone was enough to make it a nightmare.

All dads are alike in that they weren’t fathers until suddenly, they were.

The Maury Povich Show / NBC Universal

I shudder to imagine how startling it must be to switch from selfish to selfless in the drop of a sperm. One day you’re swiping away with reckless abandon and the next you’re losing sleep to protect your little girl from the kinds of wolves that you used to be.

If you believe in karma, I’ve lived the sort of life that guarantees I’ll have a daughter.

How I Met Your Mother / CBS

This article was inspired by my own fears as I prepare to someday become a father. Looking at the list of dad types, maybe you’ll get a glimpse at which one you will be. Hopefully, it’s not the kind whose daughter has sex in the backseat of a car in the graveyard parking lot.



Forgiving Your Cuñada Is Good For Your Health

Culture

Forgiving Your Cuñada Is Good For Your Health

I suppose it’s not that uncommon, but my cuñada didn’t like me much for many years.

“Nice to meet you,” she said, in clipped and heavily accented English the first time we met. She shook my hand taking it away quickly and barely made eye-contact, but I knew she didn’t approve of my short hair, my tattoos, or the fact that I was third-generation Mexican-American. If I had been someone else entirely, she probably would have found other things to hate about her too. My cuñada had left Mexico by herself. From what I know now, there were some dark reasons that she had to leave. It took her two tries to cross in Tijuana, but she made it all on her own, knowing that her brother would pick her up in Los Angeles, show her the way in the Bay Area, and support her financially for as long as was necessary.

She must have felt that my relationship with her brother was a threat.

When we first met, I was visiting the apartment that they shared then. We hadn’t been dating long, but things had gotten serious fast on account of our ages and his immigration status. I was 28 and he was 33.

“She’s just one of those women who doesn’t like other women very much,” my marido explained.

I hated those kinds of women. He squeezed my hand on our way down the stairs of his apartment on our way to eat. We always went out to eat those days. I could see the spring light shining through the large glass-front apartment door. Everything was shiny, new, and bright then, except for this one thing; this relationship with my cuñada.

I was pretty much the opposite of my cuñada. I was American-born, raised by women, had been in a band with women, and was about to start attending Mills College, a private women’s college in Oakland. I defaulted to hating or distrusting men and liking women, feeling a kinship through our shared inequality in a male-dominated world. But for months and months, maybe years, when I’d see her, my cuñada would attempt a smile and say, “Hola, Morena,” her lip sneering as it rolled over the ‘r’ in my family nickname, Morena. 

Still, I had vowed to not default to hate her just because she was a woman who didn’t get along with women, or because she was my sister-in-law.

I wasn’t going to compete with her or play into the catty-woman stereotype, and I was going to be kind and compassionate to her no matter what.

She made this very difficult.

When we first met, my cuñada had been living in the US for three years already, but she spoke very little English. I was surprised by how little English she spoke. She was surprised that I spoke very little Spanish.

“Hay muchos Mexicanos que no pueden hablar español.”

She said it a few months after my marido and I were married. She said it not to me, but to a friend who was bilingual, perhaps thinking that I wouldn’t understand her.  Then she said it again to another friend. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I promised not to participate in the catty-woman stuff or be passive-aggressive or hate a family member. I made myself another promise – to be kind and compassionate no matter what, but not to take her shit either.

I knew, though, that this one slight was so personal that it was going to be hard to forgive.

My marido got into bed first that night. I put on my nightgown, and sat down on my side.

“Hey, you need to have a talk with her sister ‘cause if you don’t do it. I’m going to have to do it.”

He looked up. “About what?”

“About what she said.”

“What did she say?”

I put my hand on my hip and did my best imitation, “Hay muchos Mexicanos que no pueden hablar español.”

“Oh, that.” He made a face.

“You better talk to her because if I have to do it, by the time I’m finished with her, she will be so embarrassed that she has been in the US for three years and doesn’t speak English that she will never want to speak it. That’s what’s going to happen.”

It wasn’t my finest moment.

“Okay,” he said, “I’ll talk to her.”

He never told me how the talk went, and I never asked because I didn’t need the argüende and because she never said it again. Within a year, she made us the padrinos of her first born, but I knew that I was only the madrina because I was la esposa de su hermano.

Photo provided by Michelle Cruz Gonzales

I still get a flash of anger when I think about her “hay muchos Mexicanos” comment, or the time she wouldn’t get out of the car to come and see our new house, or all the times I saw her roll her eyes and sneer at me, but I’m older than she is, and committed to supporting women, so I just waited her out. I took my ajihada on weekends to give my cuñados a break, made sure to remember my cuñadas birthday, participated in their extended family’s parties, even when I didn’t want to, and tried to forgive and not hold it against her when they had to miss our son’s birthday parties, prioritizing her marido’s large family’s numerous gatherings over ours.

Slowly but surely over the years, the ice began to thaw between us. My warmth, no matter how awkward and forced, combined with time and maturity, on all our parts, has allowed something new to develop, something real. And it’s good that I worked hard not to hold grudges and forgave what I perceived as slights because learning to forgive is good for our health. It can lower blood pressure, risk of heart attacks, cholesterol, and forgiveness can help improve sleep.

“Hi, Morena,” she smiles when she sees me now (which seems like all the time), and hugs me tight, and dumps a pile of food she brought, leftovers from the Philipino restaurant where she works, or un bote de frijoles that she made at her place and brought with her, a whole packet of corn tortillas, the family-size packet, and cans of soda in any flavor anyone in the house might drink. The other night she brought me a bottle of my favorite wine, and I shared it with her because that’s what cuñadas do. That’s what we’re supposed to do.

The FDA Approves A Viagra-Type Drug For Women, But Skeptics Say Women Shouldn’t Feel Obligated To Have ‘Mercy’ Sex

Things That Matter

The FDA Approves A Viagra-Type Drug For Women, But Skeptics Say Women Shouldn’t Feel Obligated To Have ‘Mercy’ Sex

How many times do we women say they’re not in the mood and blame it on a headache or that time of the month? It’s a common enough occurrence that sure has frustrated some men for centuries. Men don’t necessarily have that excuse, and that changed in 1996 when Viagra was officially patented and then approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) two years later.

Now 23 years later, women who are just not in the mood to get busy will be able to remedy that within 45 minutes.

The FDA just approved a new drug called Vyleesi that is the equivalent of Viagra but for women.

In 2015, researchers released a groundbreaking Viagra-type drug for women called Addyi. However, that drug had many issues. Women would have to take it every day and not consume any alcohol because a side effect could result in fainting. Vyleesi is different because women can take it 45 minutes before sexual intercourse, and experience minimal side effects.

According to The New York Times, 40 percent of the women that participated in the study for Vyleesi said they experienced nausea, and one percent of women said they had “darkening in their gums and parts of their skin, which did not go away in about half of the patients after they stopped treatment.”

They also suggest women who have high blood pressure or cardiovascular disease should not take Vyleesi. About 18 percent of the women dropped out of the study because of nausea. The biggest drawback appears that Vyleesi doesn’t come in a pill, but rather an injection.

Some claim that this drug will only enforce the notion that women must have sex with their partners despite not wanting to, and it has nothing to do with not being in the mood.

Some medical professionals say that women “not being in the mood for sex” doesn’t necessarily have to do with having a low sex drive but rather dealing with another range of emotions from stress, depression, and a slew of other mental health issues. This new drug will just reinforce that women must comply with their duties as partners and give in to sex.

“[Women] oftentimes having mercy or duty sex because they want to maintain their relationship,” Dr. Julie Krop, of AMAG Pharmaceuticals said to The New York Times. “The problem is, they’re distressed about having that sex that they are having.”

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