bad hombres

The Kinds Of Dads You Meet While Dating

Movieclips/Youtube/Desperado/Sony Pictures/The Five People You Meet In Heaven/Hyperion Books

For any guy navigating the uncharted waters of a new relationship, there are necessary obstacles that must be contended with, but none more for formidable than meeting the parents — specifically, her father:

The George Lopez Show / Warner Bros.

What is this, Shawshank State Prison? Dads can be real ballbusters sometimes.

But why should I give a sh*t about that old dude?

Coming to America / Paramount Pictures

Getting in with him is the most effective way to get with her — I mean, if that’s your goal. Also, it’s a nice bonus to have someone you can watch games with if you get stuck going to your girl’s family parties.

Because her dad can end up being the father that you always wanted…

Home Improvement / Wind Dancer Productions

He could give you the “birds and bees” talk with more power.

…or, just as easily, a barrel-throwing gorilla hell-bent on keeping you away from his princess.

Donkey Kong / Nintendo

In this scenario, you’re a plumber. That’s a great job and her old man’s still not happy! Dads, am I right?

Determining which dad she has starts by learning what kinds there are.

Three Men and a Baby / Disney

There are more than three types of dads and really only one kind of mustache.

1) The Overprotective Dad

Fools Rush In / Sony Pictures / Youtube

When you met this dad, he was conveniently in the middle of cleaning his guns. He mentions that you look like the guy who killed his best friend whenever he sees you holding hands with his daughter, so sex in his house is definitely out of the question. To get around this, do it somewhere he won’t find you: the backseat of a car in the graveyard parking lot.

2) The Too Cool Dad

Modern Family / ABC

The opposite of the Overprotective Dad. He prefers that you do it in his house, where he knows you’re safe, rather than the backseat of a car in the graveyard parking lot. He’ll even offer condoms. This guy’s cool af.

3) The Dad Who Just Wants To Be Buddies

American Pie / Universal Pictures

The difference between the last dad and this one is that this dude always wanted a son and is willing sacrifice his daughter to get one. He’ll invite you to help yourself to the beers in his fridge and will even go so far as to offer you pot if he thinks it’ll get you out back for a game of catch.

4) The Unhappy Dad

Jaws / Universal Pictures

This dad is just exhausted from the rigors or being a father. He sees a lot of you in him. Real exchanges with this guy are few and far between because he’s up for work at 5am and goes to bed right after dinner. He loves his family, but during parties, he takes you aside and warns you like the Ghost Dad of Christmas Future to run for your life before you make the same mistakes he has. Take his advice.

5) The Negligent Dad

The Simpsons / Fox

Your girlfriend likes to party all the time, but she didn’t get to be so fun without this dad’s (lack of) help. His hands-off approach to parenting forced his daughter to grow up fast. If you ever meet him, he’ll ask to bum a cigarette and need a ride somewhere that’s open in the middle of the night. You get to become the responsible guy that your girlfriend never had — all you have to do is be there for her, forever. No pressure.

6) The Funny Dad

Mrs. Doubtfire / 20th Century Fox

My favorite kind. He’s hilarious in a corny dad-joke way. Watch in amazement as this master of puns performs bits that are sometimes just inside jokes he has with himself. His daughter may have stolen your heart, but this man has stolen your nose.

7) The Racist Dad

Gran Torino / Warner Bros.

The only jokes this dude knows are the kind where he has to look around first to make sure it’s “safe” to whisper. While he’s not technically funny-funny, he IS loud — and boy howdy, is he uncomfortable around brown people. He’s got a lot of opinions and they all come from a bad place. There’s an #AllLivesMatter bumper sticker on his truck and he clutches a concealed carry whenever he drives through what he considers a “bad neighborhood.”

8) The NPR Dad

Clarissa Explains It All / Nickelodeon / Thunder Pictures

The opposite of the Racist Dad. When he’s not complimenting you on the rich history of your culture, he’s over-empathizing with the plight of “your people.” He’s always talking your ear off about world events, so you gotta study a newspaper or follow C-SPAN on Twitter just to hold a conversation with this dude. He’ll offer up his Tesla because he doesn’t want you creating a bigger carbon footprint when you take his daughter out in that “gas guzzler” you’re driving.

9) The Old Ass Dad

Lethal Weapon / Warner Bros. / Giphy

Don’t break the news to your girlfriend, but she’s probably an “accident,” because this dad was already supplementing with Metamucil and flexing an AARP discount by the time she was born. He’s pretty uninvolved with her life; it’s not that he doesn’t care about his little girl, it’s just 7pm, so he ate supper an hour ago and is ready to go down for the night. His daughter’s changed his diapers as much as he has hers.

10)  The Dad Who Looks Like You, But Older

Nova / Sigmund Freud the Father of Psychoanalysis / Youtube

Your girlfriend won’t call you “papi” because it’s “too weird” and you didn’t know how right she was until you met her dad. It’s like looking into a Freudian mirror, or that one Snapchat filter. He’s noticed that you look like the young version of him — and so has his wife! If you play your cards right, it seems only logical that you could make a play for her, too.

11) The Red Flag Dad

Shameless / Showtime

You wouldn’t have even noticed that your girl’s drinking was cause for concern without this dad. He puts the D-U-I in the sentence “My dad got another DUI.” He learned the alphabet backwards, “just in case.”  He’s deceivingly smart for a guy you first met while his head was stuck in a doggy door. He smells like a brewery and is always a little too close to you when he talks, but he’s nice even if he doesn’t like you because he never knows if he’ll need to borrow some “clean” pee in a pinch.

12) And Finally, The LEGIT Scary Dad

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Major Payne / Universal Pictures

Some dads act tough, but this one’s got the body count to back it up. He’s been to war and will casually drop his total number of confirmed kills into any conversation. He rarely speaks, but every time he does, you pee a little bit. Once, you saw him in a dream for like, a second, and then that was it — like, nothing noteworthy happened, but that alone was enough to make it a nightmare.

All dads are alike in that they weren’t fathers until suddenly, they were.

The Maury Povich Show / NBC Universal

I shudder to imagine how startling it must be to switch from selfish to selfless in the drop of a sperm. One day you’re swiping away with reckless abandon and the next you’re losing sleep to protect your little girl from the kinds of wolves that you used to be.

If you believe in karma, I’ve lived the sort of life that guarantees I’ll have a daughter.

How I Met Your Mother / CBS

This article was inspired by my own fears as I prepare to someday become a father. Looking at the list of dad types, maybe you’ll get a glimpse at which one you will be. Hopefully, it’s not the kind whose daughter has sex in the backseat of a car in the graveyard parking lot.



Homeland Security Is Changing How It Will Tackle Immigration. Here Are Some Important Things You Should Know

politics

Homeland Security Is Changing How It Will Tackle Immigration. Here Are Some Important Things You Should Know

STEVE RHODES/Tony Webster/Flickr

On Tuesday, the Department of Homeland Security announced its plans for tackling immigration reform under President Trump. The reforms allow departments like ICE to take a less restrained approach to both border security and immigration control. Here are a few of the details from the recently released memos from Homeland Security.

The memos broaden the definition of “criminal aliens” to include those with less serious infractions.


The memos released by the Department of Homeland Security outline the types of crimes that could make immigrants vulnerable to ICE. This includes individuals who have “engaged in fraud or willful misrepresentation,” those who have “abused any program related to receipt of public benefits,” and those who “pose a risk to public safety” as determined by “an immigration officer.”

The Department of Homeland Security memo calls for ICE to hire an additional 10,000 “officers and agents.”

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STEVE RHODES / FLICKR

As the number of immigrants subject to deportation has increased, arrests are expected to increase as well. To keep up, Secretary of Homeland Security John Kelly has asked for the expeditious hiring of 10,000 ICE employees. So far little has been said about where these 10,000 agents will come from.

Secretary of Homeland Security John Kelly has also called for an additional 5,000 Border Patrol Agents.

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U.S. Army Corps of Engineers/FLICKR

According to the memo, the increase is needed because the U.S. Customs and Border Protection currently “has insufficient agents/officers to effectively detect, track, and apprehend all aliens illegally entering the United States. The United States needs additional agents and officers to ensure complete operational control of the border.”

More undocumented immigrants could face expedited removal due to changes in the procedure.

Credit: fibonacciblue / Flickr
CREDIT: Credit: fibonacciblue / Flickr

The memos released by the Department of Homeland Security outlines changes in the rule governing which immigrants are subject to expedited removal. Under the old terms, undocumented immigrants could only be targeted if they were found within 100 air miles of the border and if they had been in the country for 14 days or less.



Under President Trump, undocumented immigrants anywhere in the country can be rounded up, and they must prove that they have lived in the U.S. for more than two years.

The Department of Homeland Security memos outline a few exceptions to the expedited removal terms.

These exceptions include:

The alien is an unaccompanied alien child […] indicates an intention to apply for asylum or a fear of persecution or torture or a fear of return to his or her country, or claims to have a valid immigration status within the United States or to be a citizen or national of the United States.

According to the memos, some immigrants that qualify for expedited removal can claim asylum if they “claim fear of return.” Asylum officers will then “determine whether they have established a credible fear of persecution or torture.”

Individuals caught attempting to enter the country will held at detainment facilities around the border.

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FOX NEWS / YOUTUBE

The memo calls for an increase in facilities to detain immigrants until their cases can be heard, which would effectively end the program known as “catch-and-release,” where detainees were released and asked to return to court at a later date. In order to speed up the processing of people detained at the border, “the Department will publish in the Federal Register a new Notice Designating Aliens Subject to Expedited Removal.”

However, unaccompanied “alien children” will receive “special protections to ensure that they are properly processed.”

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Satish Krishnamurthy/FLICKR

The memos define “unaccompanied alien children” as someone who is not legally in the United States, not yet 18 years of age, and has “no legal guardian” or “parent of legal guardian” in the U.S. According to the memo, a child that meets the requirements will “be transferred to the custody of the Office of Refugee Resettlement within the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) within 72 hours.” They will also find “placement in a suitable care facility” and have “access to social services.”

Those under the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program are currently still protected.


According to USA Today, members of the DACA program are still protected and will remain so as long as they do not break any rule of the program. At last week’s new conference, President Trump has said he would show “great heart” when making a decision about DACA. However, a few days earlier 23-year-old DACA recipient Daniel Ramirez Medina was detained by ICE, allegedly because of his tattoo.


READ: Trump Nominates His First Latino Cabinet Member For Secretary Of Labor

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