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Here’s How Telenovelas Lied To Us About Men, Sex, And Basically Everything

It’s not the way they make it seem. 

The sheets are always perfectly tangled and show just enough.

Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Like where are those curtains hanging from? Where is the wind coming from? And what is he doing upside down? The bed you lay on is always a hot mess with heavy blankets and pillows thrown everywhere. You hardly have any space to lay.

Men never know how to unstrap a bra like this.

Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Ugh, just let me do it.

No woman would let a man do this.

Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

I spent too much money on my shirt.

You don’t finish with perfect hair.

Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

And if you did, he didn’t do it right.

Or perfect makeup.

Credit: Telemundo / hotnovelas / Tumblr

If you did, girl, quit that.

The boom boom room never looks like this:

Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Where did those candles come from?

The girl always comes.

Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Big. Fat. Lie.

The guy never finishes first ?.

Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Another lie. Which also never prepared us for the awkward and ugly faces guys make.

It’s always nice and slow on TV.

Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Why didn’t they warn us about those weirdos that think f*cking like a jackrabbit is sexy?

Speaking of sexy, sex on the beach is anything but.

Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Ten days later and you’re still finding sand in places it doesn’t belong.

What about all the other awkward moments?

Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

This never goes as planned.

At what point do they put condoms on?

Credit: Telemundo / hotnovelas / Tumblr

Are telenovelas low-key condoning unprotected sex? He doesn’t even pull out.

One last observation: If he has that big of muscles chances are, he has a small steroid-sized peen.

Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Just sayin.

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This Is The Ultimate Telenovela Watch List To Help You Get Through The Holidays

Entertainment

This Is The Ultimate Telenovela Watch List To Help You Get Through The Holidays

Ok, it’s not as if any of us need an excuse to sit down and binge watch our favorite telenovelas. I mean we probably all already have a long list of favorites growing up watching them with our moms, abuelas, and tías.

Melodramas are part of our DNA, and we thrive watching the often times overly passionate scenes on TV with our favorite celebrities. One of the best things about telenovelas is that they have clear villain roles and come with a clear beginning and end. The short stories help us escape into an alternate reality where everything is a life-and-death decision. 

And thanks to a surging pandemic, we’re spending more time than ever at home in front of our screens, looking for more content to watch. So why not work on this epic list of telenovela content to help get you through the holidays.

La Reina del Sur

La Reina del Sur was (and still is) an absolute game changer that’s exactly how it will go down in history. The series that starred Kate del Castillo is about Teresa Mendoza, a woman who gets dumped into the dark world of narcos unknowingly. She soon finds herself being persecuted by the Mexican cartel and escapes to Spain only to revolutionize the drug-trafficking world in Europe. There was no intention to make a sequel, but Telemundo caved after fans requested it for years and in 2019 released another chapter of the saga. Both seasons are available on Netflix now.

La Patrona

Aracely Arámbula is one of our Latin telenovela queens. And one of her greatest telenovelas is La Patrona, in which she portrays Gabriela, a single mother who works as a miner.

Of course, being the only woman who works in the mines brings out the bullies who make her life a living hell. However, things escalate further when she crosses Antonia Guerra. Things take another turn when she finds out that Gabriela Suárez is her grandchild’s mother, and she goes to terrible lengths to get rid her.

It’s a strong classic telenovela story that features two strong women who are determined to complete their goals.

Betty, En NY

Yo Soy Betty, La Fea was a phenomenon that captivated our hearts when it first aired at the turn of the century. The Fernando Gaitán original gave us a lesson about loving oneself and not judging others by their physical appearance.

Telemundo remade the Colombian hit in 2019 and cast Elyfer Torres as the titular character of Betty en NY. The network updated the series to modern times, but the heart of the story remains. One unique aspect of the particular transformation that Betty receives is that they kept her hair curly throughout, making a statement that curly hair is also beautiful.

Rebelde

If you’re obsessed with Elite (along with the rest of the world), then you can think of Rebelde as a way less intense early 2000s version of it. It’s a remake of the Argentinian series Rebelde Way, and it’s set in an *ahem* elite boarding school.

The show follows the relationships of a group of wealthy and scholarship students who, in true Breakfast Club fashion, join together despite their differences and start a pop band. Oh, and another fun thing: They all dress like they’re about to star in a Britney Spears music video. It’s truly amazing.

Pasión de Gavilanes

If you are looking for something steamy to watch, look no further than Pasión de Gavilanes. The Colombian classic pairs three hot men with three gorgeous women, and there are lots (lots) of passionate scenes between all the couples involved. Telemundo remade this telenovela again as Tierra de Reyes with a whole new cast and abs galore.

La Que No Podía Amar

Another Televisa production, La Que No Podía Amar, completely changed the telenovela rules. Our protagonista, Ana Paula, is not your typical heroine as she is not one to take orders from anybody. Our galán is also not the usual lead man as he mistreats everyone around him due to an accident that left him unable to walk. Despite their clashing, they somehow bring out the best in each other and create a magical love.

¿Donde Está Elisa?

A telenovela meets true crime thriller? Sounds too good to be true, but it’s basically the premise of this Telemundo classic, ¿Dónde Está Elisa? 

As the family is engulfed in knowing Elisa’s whereabouts, deep, dark secrets start to unravel. How did Elisa disappear? Who is behind her disappearance? Is she dead or alive? The characters will ask themselves these questions, but the culprit of all this drama might just be at home.

La Usurpadora

This list would have a big gaping hole if we didn’t include the telenovela to end all telenovelas. La Usurpadora stars Gabriela Spanic as twin sisters Paulina and Paola, who trade places when the latter abandons her family and escapes with her love.

Paulina is the noble sister who ends up taking care of the Bracho family and finally making them feel like a family unit again. This sweet and bonkers story is one you have to watch if you call yourself a telenovela fan. Televisa adapted the story in 2019 with Sandra Echeverría as the twins. However, this time, it is set in the political world. This miniseries is available on Amazon Prime Video.

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Women Shared Their Birth Control Preferences and Fails

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Women Shared Their Birth Control Preferences and Fails

From shots to pills, when it comes to birth control and ensuring safe sex women have all sorts of options. Still, choosing a method of birth control can be a pretty difficult thing to do. After all, varying types of birth control work in different ways to prevent sperm from reaching an egg but can also have different types of hormonal effects on a woman’s body.

We scoured Reddit and other boards to get advice from women about the types of birth control they use and the answers were pretty eyeopening.

Check them out below!

“I had Mirena for the full 5 years and LOVED it. I also had cramping from time to time and having it put in was painful. I decided once the 5 years was up I was going to try for a baby and had a perfectly healthy pregnancy. I too am forgetful and it was great not having to worry about periods or getting pregnant for 5 years without having to take something every day or week. Highly recommended!” –EssJayy7

“Lesbianism. 10/10 would recommend. 100% effective and feels amazing.” –

“I used Cerazette, which is one of the “mini/pop pills” if I remember right. It worked well for me, I had no real issues and it stopped my periods completely. The only difficulty was making sure I took it every day but it was much more flexible than the Pill for that (you could take it within an 8 hour time frame per day, something like that, without putting yourself at risk). I think the only side-effect I really had was a fluctuating sex drive.

Due to moving to a rural area, I swapped to the Depo-Provera injection for 3 months at a time. I had this done twice. It was absolutely horrific and I regret this a lot, it caused deep under-skin skin infections that I would struggle to say even counted as acne. They were black and horrible and look months of being off the injection and a good skin care routine to shift, and even now the particularly bad area is much more prone to acne when I am stressed.

It also made me hungry a lot of the time, I was very tired, my sex drive went bust, and my temper was horrific. It all creeped up on me during the months so I only really began suspecting it could be my birth control in my fourth or fifth month of having it active. Never again. My favourite birth control right now is having a girlfriend. No real side-effects right now except a definite loss of sleep.”- TheGentlemanCat

“I like my Mirena, it has it’s problems here and there but I keep it inserted because it has completely stopped my period and I don’t have to remember to take it everyday like a pill change it weekly or monthly like a patch or ring. It’s kinda just set it and forget it. Very effective with typical use over 99% effective at preventing pregnancy.” – faytality

“it has it’s problems here and there. If you don’t mind sharing, which side effects have you experienced with Mirena?” –childfree_IPA

“I LOVE my Mirena, second time having it. More spotting the second time around. No issues here. I also tried the copper IUD which made my periods heavier and more painful. Tried Nuva Ring as well, worked fine, no side effects. Just more of a pain in the butt to remember to change it.” –mexican_viking13

“I had the Nexplanon insert in my arm. I get migraines with auras as well as some other conditions, so before that I was taking progestin only pills, from which I had no side effects. I was told the Nexplanon was progestin only. I don’t know how true that was because I immediately had horrible side effects including constant bleeding, migraines 4-5 times a week, loss of vision in left eye, numbness on left side of body, and vicious cystic acne all over my face. I had it implanted in June and removed in September. My symptoms went away almost immediately after (except the acne which was a long battle.)

My roommate actually suggested Nexplanon to me because she had migraines and was very happy with her results. However, she did not get auras.

Point is: what works for one person will not work for everyone, and always monitor your own symptoms. Yes, side effects are common in most birth control methods. However, you know your own body and if you feel seriously wrong, tell your doctor.”- bobfoxsky

“My first ever method of birth control was the Nuva Ring, which I tried for maybe six months when I was 18. Honestly, having the full dose of hormones in my body the whole 3 weeks on/1 week off cycle messed with my moods a lot, but I was also a new freshman in college in an unfamiliar city, so it may have just exacerbated my difficulty adjusting to my new life at that time.

My second method was the pill (I forget what brand, but it was a pretty standard generic that the campus doctor prescribed to everyone without listening to my concerns about mood swings on Nuva Ring) and that was…okay. I can’t remember how long I was on that one.

My third method was the Depo Provera shot (I should have listened to my mother who told me that if I reacted badly with mood swings to Nuva Ring, that a shot of hormones that wouldn’t wear off for 3 months was a terrible idea). I gained a lot of weight and became very depressed/moody on that method. I only got one shot, so it lasted 3 months, my periods stopped altogether and I just generally didn’t recognize my personality during that time. It was awful. I didn’t have a period for 6 months total, even though it should have worn off completely after 3. Everything was off balance!

After the Depo shot, I talked to my actual PCP about all of my birth control experience up until that point, and she put me on Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo, because she felt that it mimics the body’s natural cycle a lot better than a standard ‘same dose of hormones all the time’ method. My first full cycle of Ortho actually induced me to get my period back after Depo, and it was such a relief to feel normal again.

I’m currently still on Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo, though I took about a one year break from it when I wasn’t particularly sexually active/not in a relationship, so I was using condoms only during that time. I love it. I never had particularly bad periods or hormonal acne or anything, and this pill just makes me feel like I’m on my normal cycle. I have an alarm to remember to take it every morning, and use condoms as a back-up if I do forget a pill.

My advice would be not to experiment with a method that you can’t escape from (like the IUD or in my case, Depo Provera) when you’re in college or already dealing with big life changes, because 3 months while in school was a long time , and I almost messed up my grades and was in a really tough spot mentally.” –gingeroh

I have had mirena for the past 5 years.

Pros:

The most reliable birth control, especially because human error doesn’t really factor into it (I would probably forget about the Pill all the time if I had to take it daily.)

Lasts 5 years.

It’s the lowest dose of hormones out of all hormonal birth control.

Greatly reduces period or stops it completely. I had a heavy period that lasted 7 days before mirena. It gave me iron-deficiency anemia. My doctor suggested mirena so that I’d stop losing so much blood and it worked.

I haven’t gained weight or lost my sex drive or become depressed. My skin is very clear but I don’t know if it’s due to mirena or not.

Cons:

Spotted non-stop for the first 3 months after insertion. Both times. This suuucccckkks.

Insertion hurts a lot, but it’s over quickly.

Some people have said that it makes deep sex a bit painful. I have not found this to be the case, but I like getting my cervix bumped so YMMV.

I get moody the week before my period. Really moody. I usually have a good cry due to existential angst and the futility of all human life the day before my period. And then I’m fine.” –_lollipoppins

“I also had a terrible 3 months after insertion. I feel as though nobody really told me about the possibility of that but I bled quite a lot and has significant cramps for up to a month after insertion. I got checked out and all is good now and I’m very happy with the Mirena, but just wanted to share that possibility since I didn’t know.”- captainkaykay

“All the pills: won’t ever take them again. There was just so much unpleasantness with having my hormones so messed with. I did really enjoy the punctuality of my periods though.

Copper IUD: love it, kind of. Insertion was NbD, and although I did experience cramps for the first time in my life with it, the non-hormonal, “set it and forget it “ mentality was great. Totally got pregnant with it in though, so that’s not awesome. Now I have a two year old.

Condoms: not being a gooey mess at the end it awesome.” –Lovelyfeathereddinos

“Totally got pregnant with it in though, so that’s not awesome. Now I have a two year old.

Sorry to hear that, that was my first laugh out loud of the day though.” –sideways8

“I have an IUD. I despise it. The insertion was horrible, having it in is horrible, getting it taken out will require sedation of some kind. It’s definitely messing up my internal systems, and the residual pain from repeated invasions is difficult.

I’m not sexually active, I got this because it was supposed to make my periods easier and also the doctor told me she wouldn’t help me if I didn’t get it. It made my periods less heavy, but they last longer, I bleed more frequently, and my cramps have become more in-depth.

Plenty of people have had good experiences, in fact, most people do. But I’m not one of them and I knew that going in. I wish I had just refused.” –Bmoreisapunkrocktown

“I’m… fairly certain doctors can’t say that. Sorry you had a bad experience with it, sounds awful. Bad insertion, maybe?” –ZeketheKnight

“Being gay. It’s the best. Highly recommended. 10/10. Side effects may include increased orgasms, shared emotional labor, doubled wardrobe, cats.”- BaylisAscaris

“I have been on the copper IUD for the past 2 years and it is my preferred method because it is hormone free. I do have heavier periods and more intense cramps, but these were things I have dealt with my whole life so it wasn’t that big of a deal for me.

I started off trying several types of the pill, almost all of which gave me intense mood swings. At one point I thought I found a pill that worked for me but ended up incredibly depressed, which I believe was related to the pill. After that I tried nuvaring which killed any libido I had so I just used condoms until I got my IUD put in.” –significantotter1

“Ortho Tri Cyclen: Did the job. Cleared up my acne. Made my periods regular. Made me gain a bit of weight (like 5lbs or so), made my boobs bigger. I had a hard time remembering to take the pill every day at the same time.

Nuva Ring: I loved it! I chose this one because I didn’t want to have to remember to take a pill every day, but I also didn’t want something as semi-permanent as an IUD that I would need reversed by a doctor (and I was nervous about the pain with insertion). I never had a problem with it falling out during sex or any other time. I would use it continually for 3 months at a time to skip my period, then let myself have a withdrawal bleed and I never had spotting in between. My husband said he could feel it sometimes, but it didn’t bother him. I recently went off of it (3 months ago) because I am ttc, and my periods have yet to become regular.

Pulling Out/Withdrawal method: Did not work. Got pregnant after 8 months. Do not recommend unless you are okay with getting pregnant.

Plan B/Morning after pill: I have used this twice, once after forgetting to take my BC pill properly and once when a condom broke. It gave me a heavier than usual period with some moderate cramping, but other than that no side effects and I didn’t get pregnant so it did the job. Obviously I don’t recommend this for regular birth control, but it’s great for emergencies!” –wicksa

“1. Male condoms. I liked the ability to see I was being protected. Decent rate of protection when used properly as well. I didn’t like the interruption involved in grabbing and putting on a condom. I also never trusted them enough to use them without another method. It was always either condoms + pulling out or condoms + pill + pulling out. 2. Pill. The first pill I was on was Lo Loestrin Fe. It caused me to bleed for a week every other week (so, one week bleeding, one week not, repeat). I stuck with it for a couple months hoping it was just a weird adjustment period, but the pattern continued and I couldn’t put up with that. After that, I switched to another pill, Azurette (or a generic version). I’ve had zero issues with it. The only symptom I’ve noticed is that I get more hungry than usual the first few days of my placebo pills (but this was a symptom I had pre-period normally – it’s just been amplified a bit). Like with condoms though, I’ve never been able to trust the pill on its own and always doubled up on protection. 3. Sterilization. I had a bilateral salpingectomy (tube removal) done a couple years ago. I have zero regrets and would do it all again if I had to. It’s permanent, super effective, and makes me feel secure (my lifelong fear of pregnancy is gone).”- Luminaria19

“Pull-out method and I am now 26 weeks pregnant, so you be the judge. But in all seriousness, I was on your basic birth control pill for about a year. I think it was Junel. It made me emotional, crazy, and caused me to put on weight. I later stopped it on my own, and found out from another doctor that “the pill” generally doesn’t mix well with women with anxiety and depression.

Whoops. Someone really should have mentioned this before. Overall when I go back to some form of birth control, I think I will use condoms. They don’t feel as good, but don’t have a chemical effect on my body. Pull-out method works well too, you just need a lot of self-control. Which apparently I do not have!!” –whimsical_potatoes

“I took an estrogen based birth control pills as a teenager. It was awful. While it did regulate my periods, and my skin cleared up, I couldn’t take the emotional upheaval it caused. Instarted having ridiculous mood swings, where I’d be fine one minute and sobbing uncontrollably the next. I’d argue with people, to the point of screaming, and couldn’t calm down. I felt like I was losing my mind, and I became suicidal. When I started planning how I could kill myself, I stopped taking my pills. I felt better within a few weeks. The whole time, I had been telling my doctor that I was having these problems, and he told me birth control couldn’t cause mental health issues, and I just needed to suck it up. I stopped going to him after I stopped taking my pills.

That experience was pretty traumatic, so I’ve been wary or any forms of birth control aside from condoms.

Condoms are my choice right now, and I’ve never had issues with them. They are reliable, and don’t rely on me remembering to take a pill or get some sort of implant.” –chemchick27

“I have used: Orthocyclen BCP- I had breakthrough bleeding for three months. Had to switch.

Levlen BCP- I took this for almost four years. It worked great in every way except I gained 80lb on it. I couldn’t lose any weight, despite being fairly athletic. Yasmin BCP- I tried it twice. Had to stop within two months both times because of recurring multi-day migraines. Condoms- Tried and true. I used many brands without issue while dating. Spermicide strips- These look like little Listerine breath strips that dissolve in the vagina. They worked OK, but have a high chance of user error due to needing to plan ahead. They’d be a decent backup. Norethindrone (the mini pill)- This is my favorite and my current method. I can’t take the full pill due to blood pressure issues now, so this will have to do. I don’t have cycles at all when I’m on it, and it’s fantastic. No negative side effects, some great positive ones, and no cycles or babies.” – whats_a_bylaw

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