Your big brother has always been the coolest guy you know. He was your first best friend, but also your first bully. Even if you think you’re too old for him to pick on you, you know deep down that you’re lying to yourself. You’re playing into his game. This is exactly how he wants you to think. It doesn’t matter how old or how big you get, the effects of his brand of psychological torture will continue to manifest themselves in ways that surprise you for the rest of your life Here’s how your brother molded you into the person you are today.
1) When You Listened To The Radio, You Only Sang The Backup Parts Out Loud Because Big Bro Always Sang Lead.
You know the lyrics just as well as he does — but it doesn’t matter because you aren’t Michael Jackson (RIP) and this family band ain’t the Jackson 5. You only sang backup so big bro could crush the part of the song people actually recognize. To this day, when I hear Tom Petty’s “American Girl”, I catch myself singing only the “make it last all night!” part even though I’m alone in my car.
2) You Always Had To Play Video Games Using The Broken Controller.
He’s better at most games because he’s been alive longer than you and has gotten more practice, but somehow, you still had to play using the control with the broken stick or unresponsive “L” button. Even though the Super Nintendo is technically both of yours, he was bigger than you and the rules that govern the jungle also apply to sibling relationships.
3) You Love Wrestling And Have A High Threshold For Pain.
Big bro is a master at performing every wrestling move — because he practiced them all on you and would make you tap out every time the commercials came on.
4) At Some Point… You Have Had To Fake Cry Just To Escape.
Take advantage of his remorse. He doesn’t want to hurt you-hurt you. If he thinks he’s gone too far, he’ll usually stop. Just get a light misting into your old peepers and whimper a little bit. This method has gotten me out of some serious pickles.
5) You Inherited His Clothes When He Grew Out Of Them.
If he was a punk, you were probably the recipient of some pretty dope hand-me-down JNCO jeans and ZERO t-shirts. Badass!
6) The Breakup You Had With Your Imaginary Friend Still Hurts And Has Informed Your Adult Relationships.
You needed to grow up, so naturally your brother told you the things that your imaginary friend was saying to him behind your back. You didn’t need that Judas anyway, you had a manipulative older brother to hang out with.
7) You Have Defended Yourself By Lying On Your Back While Flailing Your Arms And Legs Like A Turtle Who Knows It’s About To Die…
I think it was the Sphynx who said, “You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.” Try this one as an adult, like at the bank or something. It should still totally work unless it doesn’t. I don’t know. I rarely go to the bank.
For Better Or Worse, You Are Who You Are Because Of Him.
Now, if only you had a little brother of your own…