Pretty much everything Donald Trump has done has suggested he has no heart. But we didn’t have confirmation until this past week when Trump showed off the Purple Heart a veteran gave him, saying, “I always wanted to get the Purple Heart. This was much easier.” Yeah, no sh*t it was easier.
Only someone without a heart would accept a PURPLE HEART they didn’t earn.
When I first heard that Donald Trump threatened a baby, I thought it was just a case of media exaggeration. Then I watched the clip. Holy hell, they’re not completely wrong. People have been ejected from Trump rallies in the past, most of them violently ejected. With just a flick of Trump’s wrist, the entire audience in attendance could have turned on that baby. In Trump’s defense, I will say that he didn’t exactly threaten the baby as much as he threatened the mother holding the baby.
It might have been a joke, but Trump’s humor has all the charm and subtlety as Joe Pesci in Goodfellas.
And then there’s his complete lack of intelligence.
Aside from their leathery face and their hair made of straw, Trump and the Scarecrow both don’t have a brain. Not having a brain is fine if you’re scaring crows all day — no offense to crows — but not having a brain seems like a bad idea if you have access to nuclear launch codes.
It looks like Pokémon GO has finally completed the Latino TV cycle. It all began with “Primer Impacto” telling your parents to be very afraid of the game. Now it’s become the center of an episode of “Caso Cerrado” with Dra. Ana Maria Polo. It’s a tale of violence, betrayal and addiction.
Dra. Polo kicks things off with a quote that she attributes to Albert Einstein — except it’s not actually from Einstein.
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / YouTube
Translation: “I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.” Great quote, but it’s not from Einstein. It actually might be from the movie “Powder.”
After that great start, we meet the plaintiff, Julio.
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / YouTube
He’s suing two young women for $20,000 (!) after a Pokémon GO-related incident that took place in his front yard.
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / YouTube
Julio tells Dra. Polo he’s in the middle of a custody battle for his daughter and the incident could ruin his chances in divorce court.
The defendants, Victoria and Angelica, were playing Pokémon GO in Julio’s front yard. At 3 a.m. In the dark. Hours later, they would end up in an ambulance.
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / YouTube
So here’s what went down: Julio said he heard his daughter crying late at night. After hearing strange sounds outside of his house, he went out to investigate. After seeing a silhouette outside (spoiler alert: it was Victoria and Angelica), Julio picked up a brick and threw it in the direction of the silhouette. Julio claims he threw it “to the side” to scare whoever was in his yard. “Mejor un ladrillo que una pistola,” says Julio. Either Julio has terrible aim or he’s a liar, because the brick apparently hit Angelica in the back. And during all the commotion, Victoria hurt her ankle.
When Dra. Polo asks what they were doing in his yard, Julio explains that people keep showing up to his house because it’s a Poke Stop. Dra. Polo has NO IDEA what he’s talking about.
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / YouTube
So, dude ends up giving Dra. Polo a pretty thorough breakdown about the game and how it works (remember this for later).
After Dra. Polo plays a clip that explains the game to viewers (a.k.a. your parents), Julio continues recounting the incident.
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / YouTube
Julio, who claims he threw the brick to scare off a potential intruder, says he heard several cries of pain. He turned on the light to his porch and realized the two girls were on the ground. The girls eventually called an ambulance AND the police. Julio says cops at his house isn’t a good look — especially when he’s a custody battle.
Sidenote: Shoutout to the guy in the back who was probably hyped to be on TV for a whole episode only to have zero lights pointed in his direction.
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / YouTube
Julio then presents video footage of people playing Pokémon GO in front of his house.
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / YouTube
The girls explain they were playing for hours and didn’t realize they were trespassing. They then reveal they’re countersuing for $10,000 (!).
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / YouTube
Angelica shows off a large bruise on her back caused by the thrown brick…
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / YouTube
And Victoria, who is wearing a heavy boot over her right leg, says she owes $3,000 in medical bills after hurting her ankle in the incident.
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / YouTube
She adds that she’s missed work for about a month. I guess if you add that to the $500 they owe for the ambulance that picked them up, it all somehow adds up to $10,000.
Angelica claims they shouldn’t be punished for the fact that this guy’s house is a Poke Stop. Dra. Polo still doesn’t grasp the concept of a Poke Stop:
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / YouTube
So, which side are you on? Wait! PLOT TWIST: Angelica’s brother is there to testify. AGAINST Veronica and Angelica. Meet Gary:
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / Telemundo
Gary says everything was good with the girls — they were getting out of the house more often — until they became addicted to the game and started missing school. The girls fire back: “We only missed ONE day.” Gary says he’s concerned that “next time,” they’ll be injured by something worse than a brick. You know, like a Geodude or a even a Graveler.
Things are looking grim for Veronica and Angelica. But wait! DOUBLE PLOT TWIST: The girls have brought in Julio’s estranged wife as a witness, and she’s got the REAL CHISME.
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / YouTube
The woman, named Yesenia, says her husband is a liar and hypocrite because he was the “first one to download the game when it came out.” That explains why he knew so much about the game! She says they’re getting divorced after she used Pokémon GO to confirm he was cheating on her. One night, when he arrived late, she went into his cell phone while he was showering and used the game’s log to pinpoint where (and at what time) he was catching Pokémon. Her sleuthing led her to realize most of Julio’s hunts took place at a female coworkers house. BUSTED.
After reviewing all the evidence, Dra. Polo comes to her decision. But you’ll have to tune in to a re-run of the episode to find out what happens next!
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / Telemundo
Just kidding! After three experts — an attorney, a police officer and a sociologist — weigh in on the case, Dra. Polo decides to throw out both cases, telling everyone, “I hope you all have fun with your game!”
CREDIT: Credit: Caso Cerrado / Telemundo
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