Bésame en tiempo de vals, un dos tres un dos tres, sin parar de bailar.
When you hear that song at a quinceañera, you know what time it is: the moment for a choreographed vals the damas and chambelanes have spent weeks practicing. Practice doesn’t always make perfect, though. Take a look:
The Chambelanes and Damas Who’ve Got Their Friend’s Back
How can you perfect Mexican food? You can start by not attempting to change it. Experimenting with food is fun, yes, and can be quite adventurous but be aware it won’t taste the same. It’s no surprise that Mexican food is beloved by all, so people have taken liberties when it comes to making their own kind of Mexican dish. However, what ends up happening is quite the opposite of Mexican food. The result is a whole big mess. We’re not advising to not be creative when it comes to cooking, we’re saying Mexican food — when made authentically — is so damn delicious so why fix what isn’t broken? Watch just how many ways people can screw up a tortilla with melted cheese.
Deep-fried BBQ pizza quesadilla disaster.
Early last month, Twisted, a UK-based, food website, published a video that included a detailed recipe on how to make a deep-fried BBQ pizza quesadilla. In other words, how to combine three dishes into one. The result was a grotesque meal that could perhaps equal to a heartache. People on social media were blown away by how ridiculous food creators would go to make something so unappealing. We know you’re curious to try it so if you’d like to make it, be our guest, but you can easily purchase a deep dish pizza and it’ll be the same thing.
A quesadilla-ranch dressing mess.
We love ranch dressing too, but on a salad not on a damn quesadilla. This dude included pre-cooked chicken, with bell peppers, mozzarella, and ranch dressing all inside the tortilla before cooking it. It might sound like a healthy quesadilla, but it’s not, especially not after you add half the bottle of dressing. Why must people always add ranch to everything!?
If your tortilla falls on the ground, don’t eat it.
As we said before, cooking is fun. We love playing music and dancing along while making dinner. It just makes the act of cooking so much more enjoyable. The issue with this guy in the video is that he’s having way too much fun. He’s cooking his quesadilla as if he were making a pizza. He starts flipping and tossing the tortilla as if it was pizza dough and then bam…right on the floor.
Protip: Lower the heat.
We know you’re hungry and want food to prepare asap, but that doesn’t mean turning up the heat to high. Tortillas are delicate, so adding a high heat will only create a sad and pathetic quesadilla like the one above. But hey, go ahead and eat it because you don’t have much of a choice.
People are so funny and terrible at doing basic things.
To make a quesadilla, the only thing you need — aside from a tortilla and cheese — is a skillet or a comal. You certainly do not need to trouble yourself with a quesadilla maker! But as a side note, whoever invented the quesadilla maker is seriously ripping people off. Then again, it’s a perfect gadget for people who don’t know how to flip a tortilla because it might be too hot like it was for this guy.
This “Cheesy Chicken Layer Quesadilla” is not a quesadilla.
It’s totally fine if you want to add a whole bunch of ingredients into your quesadilla, but the more you add the less quesadilla it is. Take this layered-quesadilla. It has chicken, corn, beans, and cheese. So basically what you have here is an enchilada or an enchilada lasagne. If you need a fork to eat your quesadilla, then it’s not a quesadilla!
This is not a quesadilla, it’s a fajita!
We don’t know where to start with this mess. It’s sort of a fajita, but then they added shrimp, so forget the whole thing. It’s just a meal inside of a tortilla.
Here’s how you truly make an authentic Mexican quesadilla.
Please follow these directions. All you need is a flour (or corn) tortilla, cheese (any kind you like!) and that’s it. A little bit of butter or oil on the comal and you’ll have yourself a tasty quesadilla, but please make more than one because one will not be enough.
Happy cooking! And remember the fewer ingredients you have, the better your food will be.
Ah, poor Mexican food. It often falls in las garras of unscrupulous gringos that wish to make the authentic thing, the real deal, but often end up coming up with dishes that make us go no mames instead of yummy. On other occasions these restaurants, people and brands just do a blatant and half-assed attempt to use some Mexican ingredients (or Tex-Mex!) and call that authentic Mexican.
Here’s some of the most horrible but hilariously wrong attempts to recreate one of the most complex cuisines in the world, which has been recognized by the UNESCO as world heritage, as Herald Sun reported recently: “Mexican food is one of the more nuanced cuisines of the world. It’s also one of only two national cuisines to have been listed by UNESCO as part of the Intangible Cultural Heritage of Humanity. The other is French gastronomy”. So whenever someone damages the reputation of Mexican food, they are in fact conspiring against humanity as a whole!
Oven fresh burritos = frozen atrocities.
Credit: Instagram. @tysonmitman
No disrespect to our British friends, but food is not their strongest suit. This atrocious sign is trying to hide the fact that perhaps the burritos they are selling come out of a freezer and probably have that plastic aftertaste so familiar for those who survive on microwave food. No, gracias.
This hipster monstrosity that gives pumpkin a bad name.
Credit: Instagram. @bigblack1911
OMG! What on Earth is this? We have enough with pumpkin latte season for hipster companies to appropriate our venerable tortilla chip and turn it into this Thanksgiving nightmare. Seriously, dudes, pumpkin tortillas sound just kind of OKish, but adding cinnamon and nutmeg. Gua-ca-la.
This bad translation, un poquito de esfuerzo mijos!
Credit: Instagram. @roymeyer
What do they take us for? Really, can’t you just do a better job and simply say “slow cooked pork meat” rather than “little meats”? You are not doing a very good job at selling your product, bro.
We feel for this person whose burrito will just collapse.
Credit: Twitter. @cocoterito
Oh, my! Multiculturalism certainly brings joyful moments of pena ajena. Twitter user Susanita just witnessed her coworker commit the ultimate crime: eating a cold tortilla that will taste like cardboard and that will just crumble before the first bite.
We can’t even… Seriously, ranch dressing as a hot sauce?
Credit: Instagram. @ArielleMartin
Seriously, who can even consider Ranch or Sriracha to be Mexican condiments? Well, to be honest Sriracha is kind of fine, but ranch dressing? Puaj.
Crackers as salsa dipping snacks… what fresh hell is this?
Credit: Twitter. @LauraSievert
We can live with stale tortilla chips if the salsa is acceptable… but…. really… crackers? This is just an insult to overall good taste!
No beans, no life, manitos.
Credit: Instagram. @mrshappyhomemaker
Come on, how can you call yourself a Mexican restaurant and have no refried beans! To see this is levantarse con el pie izquierdo.
This San Antonio joint that gave Mex food a bad name (and possibly gave gastro to a few customers)
Earlier this year food inspectors shut down a Mexican restaurant in San Antonio, as News4SA reports: “After finding dead roaches and dirty appliances, a traditional Mexican restaurant here in San Antonio fails its latest health inspection. Maria’s Cafe located off Nogalitos Street just south of downtown scored a 62, a failing score”. We can only say “Qué pinche asco“.
A frozen tamale with cheese? Nah! There’s limits that should never be crossed.
We thank the attempts to take Mexican cuisine to the supermarket aisle… but, and this is a big “but”, you gotta do it right. This bad attempt at authenticity is self-incriminatory in its official description: ” Amy’s Cheese Tamale Verde starts with corn masa made from organic white corn and blended with Monterey Jack Cheese, chiles and jalapeños. Then, it is topped off with our slow-simmered verde sauce and served with a side of Spanish rice and organic black beans”. Who on Earth blends masa with cheese? No one!
Please, just stop it with the cheese tamales!
And of course, these ones are presented over a bed of sweet corn… Very authentic…. NOT! This can really work if you want to get on a diet: we are guessing you won’t take a second bite. Well done, Lean Cuisine!
This overpriced restaurant that doesn’t look like a fonda at all!
Credit: Photo by the author
Fonda Mexican is an Australian chain that claims to make authentic food from South of the Border. Problem is, it ends up being a weird fusion joint that pretends to be authentic. We would be OK with it if it wasn’t so damn pretentious!
The place tries to look like a traditional family restaurant but ends up being un adefesio.
Credit: Photo by the author
The decor tries to imitate the look and feel of a traditional fonda, but it fails horribly. It all tastes like cultural appropriation, quite frankly.
And just look at the price of those tacos!
What? Chimichurri (which is Argentinian) on a taco? And aioli? And pepitas? Give us a break and stop gentrifying everything!
This banana buñuelo in Tokyo that is just a deep fried tortilla.
At least we appreciate the honesty. Buñuelos are a tradition of Mexican street food. It is a huge sheet of deep fried pastry that is just crunchy and sweet and delicious. We are sure your abuelitas remember eating them after mass on Sundays, as buñuelos vendors usually congregate around churches. Well, the Chiles Mexican Grill in Tokyo serves this blasphemy: a deep fried tortilla with banana and walnut inside. Herejes!
The Pancho Villa restaurant in Moscow is just otra cosa.
Credit: Google Maps. @Lora Versus
Reading through the menu of the Pancho Villa restaurant in Moscow is like witnessing a car crash. The squid salad is described as follows: “Squid from the grill, fresh veggies, Mariachi, fried corn and a dressing of chipotle and mayo”. What do they mean by “Mariachi”? We hope this doesn’t involve some sort of cannibalistic practice!
And does this sound Mexican at all? “Ensalada de Pato. Juicy duck breast with lettuce, corn, pear and cherry tomatoes with a creamy honey dressing”. Damn, it does sound OKish but not Mexican like at all. And what about this atrocity? “Ensalada Yucateca. A traditional Mexican salad: fried ground beef, iceberg lettuce, corn, avocado, lime dressing and pico de gallo”. Really? That just looks like nachos minus the tortilla chips! We mean, would you eat the weird looking thing in the picture? And who puts jalapeños and black olives together anyways?
And the one we hate most of all: the abominable taco salad!
This particular salad comes from the Habaneros Mexican Grill in Edmonton, Canada. This has NOTHING Mexican about it. It is just an overprices Taco Bell-like Tex-Mex… thing.
We are probably being too harsh on the humble taco salad, but we have had nightmares since POTUS celebrated 5 de Mayo by eating one…
Credit: Giphy. Anonymous.
We are so sorry for el susto.
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