The 50 year economic embargo against Cuba made many things on the island stagnant — 0ne of those things was fashion.
Now, since Raúl Castro’s government has allowed internet use, young people are eating up what their peers are wearing around the world. They love seeing what a hipster sports in Brooklyn — flannel shirts, ripped jeans, and all.
One of these young people is Gille Mesa Valdes, a tattoo artist who travels to France and imports clothes, ink and needles. He’s been able to earn up to $50 dollars per design, which is more than a doctor makes in a month!
Most can’t afford those luxuries and resort to extreme measures to look fashionable. It’s as extreme as using shoe polish and the insides of batteries to dye their hair.
“They’re taking a risk because it’s toxic,” said Andy Gomez, a former University of Miami professor. “But desperation is a powerful thing. Looking in the mirror and feeling hip, attractive — and free — is an escape from the world they live in.”
People are tanning their buttholes to regulate hormones and sleep patterns, at least that’s what some practitioners say. The new trend is called “perineum sunning” where people lay down in the sun, lift their legs, spread them open, and let their genitals and anus sunbathe. The Avengers: Endgame actor Josh Brolin seemed to have some experience. He shared his story on Instagram claiming he sunburned his “pucker hole.”
It appears that while the world has death spiraled into horrific levels of income inequality, the planet is heating up at alarming temperatures, and the president of the United States is being impeached for bribery — some people just have nothing better to do than tan their anuses.
Josh Brolin burns his butthole in the sun. Then tells the whole world about it.
“Tried this perineum sunning that I’ve been hearing about and my suggestion is DO NOT do it as long as I did,” Brolin wrote on Instagram.
Perhaps the most alarming part is that Brolin is not telling his impressionable followers not to do perineum sunning, but rather to not do it as long as he did. Wow, thanks for the advice Mr. Brolin, but you did not in any way even indicate how long you did it for, so how is anyone supposed to know how long to do it for? The problem is all the more obscured by the fact that you’re still encouraging people to do it.
“My pucker hole is crazy burned and I was going to spend the day shopping with my family and instead I’m icing and using aloe and burn creams because of the severity of the pain. I don’t know who the fuck thought of this stupid sh– but f— you nonetheless. Seriously,” he wrote with the hashtag #blackholesun (I chuckled).
One might ask Mr. Brolin, if his regular skin gets sunburned why would he think his “pucker hole” would be an exception? Secondly, how dare he condemn the person who thought of this “stupid sh–” and not the people dumb enough to try it. But actors aren’t historically known for being the brightest crayons in the box.
No need for actors to worry their pretty little buttholes about things like sunscreen in the year 2019 where the sun is the literal thing that might kill all of humanity. Throw your anus in the air, wave ’em like you just don’t care. What’s the difference we’re all going to die anyway? Oh, is that not a song…
Influencers want you to heat up that perineum, baby!
There is a viral video that contains nudity where the process of butthole tanning takes place. One of the men explains how it works. I would request some peer-reviewed research before listening to these influencers, but that’s just me, a person with neurons in their brain.
“In a mere 30 seconds of sunlight on your butthole, you will receive more energy from this electric node than you would in an entire day being outside with your clothes on,” the man who goes by Ra of Earth says in the video.
If I exposed my anus to the sun in this here New York City, there would be a warrant out for my arrest. I would love to see a person with melanin try this and then have to explain to law enforcement that Thanos told them to do it.
Many of the influencers cite researching Taoism as the reason they’re all doing this. Sure, OK.
“For the past few weeks I have included sunning my bum and yoni into my daily rising routine,” an influencer named Metaphysical Meagan wrote on Instagram.
She said instead of drinking coffee she tans her genitals in the sun. I don’t think any of these people know how photosynthesis works.
Obviously medical professionals think this is stupid as hell.
“There is no evidence that sunbathing in this way has any effect on physical well-being,” Dr. Diana Gall of UK-based online doctor service Doctor 4 U told Insider. “Practicing mindfulness comes in many different and safer forms, and there are no extra benefits of doing this naked in the sun.”
Getting vitamin D from the sun is great, your butthole isn’t more sun absorbent, though. Meditation is great, you don’t need to break public nudity laws in order to do so. In fact, this technique might actually be worse for you in the longterm.
“A sustained period of doing so could lead to long term sun damage,” Chemist 4 U founder, Shamir Patel told Insider. “I would suggest that going on a long walk in the sun is much more beneficial, and if you’re in need of a boost, then taking a supplement is much more practical than perineum sunning.”
2019 is coming to a close, and you know what that means—we’re about to begin a whole new decade. Each decade has its ups and downs, its memorably bright moments and its tragically bad trends. The last ten years brought us some crazes that really, truly slayed…but there are so many fashion and beauty trends that we hope will NOT return in the 2020s.
The Guardian reported that the spray tan was the fastest growing area of cosmetics in 2010. Let’s just hope. Thankfully, that statistic didn’t hold up throughout the 2010s. Let’s hope it stays that way through the 2020s.
Okay, sometimes these can be pretty fly, if paired with the right outfit. And lots of celebs loved them—from Beyonce to Alicia Keys to Nicki Minaj, they were everywhere in the early-to-mid aughts. But they’re not the most functional, if you think about the fact that they’re a sneaker, and a lot of ladies complained that they (ironically) made their legs look shorter. They’re still around, though, and it wouldn’t be surprising to see them carry over into the next decade.
On a similar note…athleisure?! Athleisure is just glorified sweatpants. There, I said it. But much like its weird cousin, the Wedge Sneaker, it’s likely to grossly overstay its welcome.
Cold Shoulder Cut-Out Tops
This is just a matter of logic, people. When you wear long sleeves, it’s probably kind of cold out, right? Why would you expose your innocent shoulders to the elements? It makes no sense. Put a real shirt on.
Glitter is one of those polemic things that people either love or really, really hate. Even if you fall into the former, it’s safe to say that no one is trying to keep this trend alive…glitter is hard enough to clean up, so who wants that stuff embedded in their hair? It may look cute and whimsical, but no thanks.
Oh, the magic of contouring. No one can deny its wildly transformative powers. But in reality, contouring is something that works best when you’re in front of the camera—it’s not really for everyday life. Not only can it add unnecessary time to your morning routine, it can often have a masklike effect if not done well, and we ain’t got nothing to hide in 2020!
The single earring trend took hold in 2017 (though it started back in the 80s), and honestly—it’s tough to say whether it should stay or go. Asymmetry can be edgy and fierce, for sure, but leaving one ear completely empty? That sounds like something only Prince could pull off. Maybe it deserves a pass IF the wearer can really rock it.
Credit: Daily Mail
Heel-less heels are often used for cosplay, which makes sense—they’re cartoonish enough to work well for a costume. And if you’re dressing up as a person whose ankles may break at any moment, they are absolutely perfect!
Bubble nails—or “hump” nails—are essentially fingernails in 3D. The sculpted acrylic takes on the appearance of (you guessed it!) a bubble, and even though it first came on the scene in 2009 and got pretty popular in 2015, 2020 just may not be ready for this jelly.
Clear Plastic Boots
Speaking of jelly, the recent clear plastic boots trend hearkens back to the jelly sandals of the 90s. There’s definitely something nostalgic about this current iteration, but boots have a tendency to make feet hot and, well, damp. Not sure how much we want to show off our sweaty feet in the years to come.
Negative Space Eyeliner
Credit: Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images
We all know the satisfaction of a perfect wing, but this negative space trend would be way too hard to master. Imagine all the time it would take to perfect that little triangle—and unlike a classic winged tip, it’s unlikely to flatter most eye shapes. Thank you, next.
Flared nails first emerged in the early aughts, but they regained traction in 2017. Why, though?
Animal activists argue that clothing made from real fur is unethical, as it unnecessarily puts animals in harm’s way and are likely to be mistreated at every level of fur and leather production. With this in mind, fur alternatives are a much better trend to pursue in 2020 and beyond—
—Or are they? The truth is, faux furs pose a major threat to the environment, as the methods and materials used to produce it are teeming with petrochemical poisons. Up-and-coming “bioleathers,” made from biodegradable and lab-grown compounds, are likely to be the best alternative that the upcoming decade will have to offer.
You either love them or you hate them. Either way, it might be okay for them to stay fossilized in the 2010s, at least for a while.
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