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If You Grew Up On The Border, Your Town Is Like The Olympics. Cristela Explains Why.

Cristela Alonzo is one funny woman. And smart, too! Recently, the stand-up comedian spoke to an audience at DePaul University and dropped some truth nuggets about Hispandering™, growing up in a border town, and the racial undertones of the border wall.

It all started out with Cristela calling out politicians for treating bordertowns like the Olympics.

CristelaPoliticalOlympics
Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

“I’ve always said that in south Texas, politically, we’re like the Olympics. [Politicians will] come down, and they’ll do their campaigning, and they talk to us,” said Cristela, who come from San Juan, Texas. “They throw us candy and like, ‘Vote for us!’ and then they leave, and we never see them again.”

Boom. Roasted.

She also went after Hillary Clinton and her poorly thought out abuelita moment.

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Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

“The Hillary Clinton thing, months ago, the abuela,” Cristela started with a nervous smile on her face. “I don’t need you to be my abuela. I need you to show me that you want to be president. I don’t want my abuela to be president. Are you kidding? My abuela being president, [impersonating her abuela] ‘No pos well you tell Iraq that they’re grounded or I’m going to fucking hit them with the chancla.'” ?

It wasn’t all jokes, though. Cristela on how lack of health insurance really affects Latinos.

CristelaStrokes
Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

Her own mother died at a young age after having suffered multiple strokes. “We never knew that she had strokes because we couldn’t afford to go to the doctor,” Cristela told the silent crowd. “We had no health care.”

And you know she had a lot to say about the immigration conversation. She is from the border, after all.

CristelaImmigration
Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

“Last time I checked there were two countries that bordered the United States. You never hear anything about illegal Canadians coming into this country,” Cristela said. “Every time they talk about immigration, they show pictures of people who look like me. There are people for different countries that come here all the time.”

You can watch her full speech below. It’s so good!

Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

READ: This Latina Actress Was Asked A Ridiculous Question About Voting And She Fired Back With Perfect Shade

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Team Trump’s Latest Appearance At The Oversight Committee Hearing Was A Complete Trainwreck Oh And Giuliani Farted

Entertainment

Team Trump’s Latest Appearance At The Oversight Committee Hearing Was A Complete Trainwreck Oh And Giuliani Farted

Alex Wong / Getty

Something stinks in the White House and it’s not just Donald Trump and his inability to cope with being a loser.

Rudy Giuliani’s campaign effort to undermine the results of the 2020 presidential election continues to waft through hearing rooms like a rotten gaseous scent… which, according to video recordings, not unlike the one Guiliani is suspected of releasing during Wednesday night’s conspiracy-filled hearing in Lansing, Michigan.

Giuliana stirred up a rash of cackles this week when the audible sounds of his stomach were heard during the hearings.

Four hours into the lengthy event, two fart sounds could be heard while Giuliani delivered his speeches. During the Michigan hearing, Michigan state Rep. Darrin Camilleri asked Guiliani a question about the recent New York Times story which reported that Giuliani talked with President Donald Trump about seeking pardons for himself last week.

“The discussions between Mr. Trump and Mr. Giuliani occurred as the former New York mayor has become one of the loudest voices pushing baseless claims of widespread fraud in the 2020 election, which Mr. Trump still proclaims publicly that he won,” NYT reported. “Many of Mr. Trump’s longtime aides have refused to do his bidding to try to overturn an election that President-elect Joseph R. Biden Jr. won by nearly seven million votes. But Mr. Giuliani has repeatedly thrust himself into the spotlight to cast doubt on the results, which has ingratiated him with the president.”

Guiliani objected to Rep. Camilleri’s questions and accused him of defamation.

“I will ask that he be disciplined for that,” Giuliani requested into the microphone which picked up the first pedo sound.

Not 90 seconds later, Camilleri asked Giuliani to address Attorney General Bill Barr’s statement that federal prosecutors had yet to come across evidence of election fraud.

“The answer that I gave you was that they didn’t bother to interview a single witness,” Giuliani replied as another louder even larger sounding pedo came in through the mic.

It didn’t take long for Giuliani’s loud fart to go viral on Twitter.

HuffPost reporter Ryan Reilly shared the clip on Twitter on Wednesday night. It has since been viewed more than 1.6 million times.

Users were quick to note that Jenna Ellis, another attorney taking part in Giuliani’s campaign of lies about a Trump 2020 victory. (Which did not happen) could be seen reacting to the noise by glancing at him over her shoulder.

Like the hot air Giuliani blew into the hearing, there were quite a few bizarre moments that came about.

Giuliani brought in a parade of alleged election fraud witnesses who all managed to make outrageously conspiratorial and racist statements during the hearing. Plus, according to Buzzfeed, “Giuliani was not sworn in at the hearing, so he was under no legal obligation to tell the truth.”

One “witness,” Melissa Carone drew audible laughter during the hearing for her clown-like performance.

According to The Guardian, Carone is a contract worker for Dominion Voting Systems and “appeared before a Michigan house panel on Wednesday and insisted, without providing evidence, that tens of thousands of votes had been counted twice.” Her aggressive approach to her claims quickly drew viral attention on Twitter from users who were quick to compare her to a Saturday Night Live character.

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Get Your Jajas From These Netflix Specials To Ease Your Holiday Blues

Entertainment

Get Your Jajas From These Netflix Specials To Ease Your Holiday Blues

Juan Ocampo / NHLI via Getty Images

Nothing makes life a little better than some hearty jajajas. Whether you are alone with your fur baby or in the living room with your quaranteam, it’s good to laugh. Netflix is ready with some hilarious stand-up specials from Latino comedians.

Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias: “One Show Fits All”

Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias is back to keep us all rolling with laughter in his Netflix stand-up special. The comedian who has kept us laughing for years does not disappoint in “One Show Fits All.” The set is filled with celebrity impressions and jokes about the family and some at his own expense. His show will give you the nostalgic feels you didn’t know you needed will leaving you in stitches.

Tom Segura: “Ball Hog”

Tom Segura came to play in his Netflix stand-up special “Ball Hog.” Get ready for an uncomfortable ride through jokes about moms, dads, follow dreams, and everything in between. If you’re a parent, you’ll get his brutally honest take on parenting and protecting yoour children from anything bad by all means necessary.

Franco Escamilla: “Bienvenido al mundo”

Franco Escamilla is bringing observational humor to everyone willing to listen. If the trailer is an indicator for how funny the set is, you are in for a treat. There is something so relatable about Escamilla’s view of the world that is littered with funny moments in the most mundane tasks, like learning someone’s name.

George Lopez: “We’ll Do It For Half”

Love him or hate him, George Lopez really understands the Latino community. He knows how our families work. Not only are we a loving and united group when it comes to the outside world, we are savage with each other. Lopez’s “We’ll Do It For Half” takes you through the most incredible and wild understandings of latino families. Like, your non-Latino friends won’t understand this stand-up as deeply as your own family.

Tiffany Haddish: “They Ready”

Tiffany Haddish promised several women comics that she would help them if she made it, and she did. “They Ready” brings together a group of hilarious women comedians and gives them a chance to be seen by the Netflix audience. One of the women welcomed to the stage is Aida Rodriguez and she slays the audience. Her stories of her wild life are so funny that you will be left breathless. These women are hilarious so bundle up and get ready to laugh till it hurts.

Liss Pereira: “Reteniendo líquidos”

Liss Pereira is a Colombian comedian everyone should know about. Her take on relationships cuts deep and will educate all of you clueless men out there. Her biggest bit of wisdom is about how men and women approach relationships different. Men like to think they are the ones who are making the decision and weighing the option. That’s cute. Everyone knows that it is the woman who decides if a relationship is worth pursuing and she is not getting into one if she does not see a real future with you.

“Lugar de Mulher”

“Lugar De Mulher” is a giving Brazilian women comedians a chance to let their humor be shared with the world. You might have to turn on the subtitles to understand the Portuguese but it will be worth it. These mulheres cover all aspects of being a women in the kind of comedy that only Latin American women can.

“Zona Rosa”

Gey. Gay. Gay. “Zona Rosa” gives four LGBTQ+ comedians in Mexico their time to shine in the limelight as they tackle what is means to be queer in Mexico. The first season had four episodes and fans are waiting for the second season to drop. The comedians discuss everything from sex to drugs to learning about their own sexuality later in life. It is a wild roller coaster so buckle in and enjoy the ride.

READ: Here Are Some Latino Comedians To Brighten Up Your Instagram Feed With Some Good Jajas

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