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If You Grew Up On The Border, Your Town Is Like The Olympics. Cristela Explains Why.

Latino USA / YouTube

Cristela Alonzo is one funny woman. And smart, too! Recently, the stand-up comedian spoke to an audience at DePaul University and dropped some truth nuggets about Hispandering™, growing up in a border town, and the racial undertones of the border wall.

It all started out with Cristela calling out politicians for treating bordertowns like the Olympics.

CristelaPoliticalOlympics
Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

“I’ve always said that in south Texas, politically, we’re like the Olympics. [Politicians will] come down, and they’ll do their campaigning, and they talk to us,” said Cristela, who come from San Juan, Texas. “They throw us candy and like, ‘Vote for us!’ and then they leave, and we never see them again.”

Boom. Roasted.

She also went after Hillary Clinton and her poorly thought out abuelita moment.

CristelaHillaryAbuelita
Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

“The Hillary Clinton thing, months ago, the abuela,” Cristela started with a nervous smile on her face. “I don’t need you to be my abuela. I need you to show me that you want to be president. I don’t want my abuela to be president. Are you kidding? My abuela being president, [impersonating her abuela] ‘No pos well you tell Iraq that they’re grounded or I’m going to fucking hit them with the chancla.'” ?

It wasn’t all jokes, though. Cristela on how lack of health insurance really affects Latinos.

CristelaStrokes
Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

Her own mother died at a young age after having suffered multiple strokes. “We never knew that she had strokes because we couldn’t afford to go to the doctor,” Cristela told the silent crowd. “We had no health care.”

And you know she had a lot to say about the immigration conversation. She is from the border, after all.

CristelaImmigration
Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

“Last time I checked there were two countries that bordered the United States. You never hear anything about illegal Canadians coming into this country,” Cristela said. “Every time they talk about immigration, they show pictures of people who look like me. There are people for different countries that come here all the time.”

You can watch her full speech below. It’s so good!

Credit: Latino USA / YouTube

READ: This Latina Actress Was Asked A Ridiculous Question About Voting And She Fired Back With Perfect Shade

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Los Espookys Episode 2: “El Espanto de la Herencia”

Entertainment

Los Espookys Episode 2: “El Espanto de la Herencia”

HBO

On June 13 2019, HBO premiered “Los Espookys,” it’s Spanish-language horror comedy from the mind of Fred Armisen. Needless to say, we were immediate fans. Between the subtly hilarious script and its impeccable delivery, the series proved from episode one that it’s worth the watch. Don’t even get us started on how much we love the horror elements we’ve seen so far.

The second episode of “Los Espookys” is just as addictive and entertaining as the first. Titled “El Espanto de la Herencia,” the episode is so good, it demands a recap.

Here are some of the most spooky and most hysterical parts of “Los Espookys” episode two.

Last week, we met Renaldo, Úrsula, Tati and Andrés, four friends bonded by their love of horror.

HBO

The gang was encouraged by Renaldo’s uncle, Tio Tico, to pursue that passion and turn it into a career. Calling themselves Los Espookys, they were approached by a mysterious woman who wants to use their terrifying talents. With this in mind, it’s time to brainstorm how they’ll approach this next job.

However, before we can check in with Los Espookys, the series introduces us to the US Ambassador.

Horror DNA

Her name is US Ambassador Melanie Gibbons and she’s received an important letter. The letter — which is in Spanish, not coded as she first suspects — informs her that her friend Ignacio Ferracuti has died. However, he’s left his 18.9 billion peso fortune to whoever can survive a night in his haunted mansion.

To borrow Ambassador Gibbons words, “Okay, twist!” She’s been chosen as one of five strangers to compete for his fortune. It’s all very exciting for her.

Similarily, Los Espookys are excited for this upcoming challenge.

Horror DNA

We finally get to see to the official Los Espookys headquarters — which happens to be Renaldo’s garage. While Andrés pushes for avant-garde and challanging tricks, Renaldo wants to stick to the basics. Úrsula just wants confirmation that they’re going to be paid.

Meanwhile, back in LA, Tio Tico is in an unusual situation.

Horror DNA

Following last week’s encounter at a major celebrity party, Tico has been mistaken for an elusive artist. Due to this mix-up, he’s been roped into speaking at an art panel. The whole thing has snowballed and Tio Tico is just along for the ride.

Unfortunately, Andrés is finding it hard to balance his life as Prince of Chocolate and his spooky calling.

HBO

Being the heir to a chocolate fortune is hard. As his boyfriend reminds him, Andrés has duties he needs to commit to or else he will be removed as heir. However, the curious man is preoccupied with uncovering the mystery of his birth and his new side gig. What is a Chocolate Prince to do?

Finally, it’s the big night!

Horror DNA

Too bad Renaldo has been ditched by the other members of Los Espookys. Andrés, Úrsula y Tati have all shown up last minute, leaving Renaldo to set up. What’s worse, nobody hired the actors they need so Renaldo has to step in as the creepy butler. Let’s just say, the role is out of his range.

Still, the goal of the haunted house is to get rid of one contestant in particular. The Mysterious Woman announces to Los Espookys that Sr. Ferracuti’s son is a contestant and must not win. However, he seems impossible to shake with the frankly unimpressive scares.

Los Espookys are in a funk and they need some serious rallying.

HBO

Andrés is obsessed with the dead ends he keeps getting in his search for his origin. Úrsula is obsessed with getting paid. Tati is obsessed with Snap Chatting her shady internet boyfriend.

Renaldo is about to give up but some unexpectedly good advise from Tati inspires him. After a rallying call from Renaldo, Los Espookys are back. They’re going to pull off the scariest trick they can.

We don’t want to give away the ending, but the episode wraps up with the possibility of more jobs in their future.

HBO

Will Tati continue her internet relationship? Will Andrés learn the origins of his birth? What sort of adventure will Los Spookys get into next week? We’ll have to watch to find out.

This Woman From NYC Did A ‘Why I’m Single Brochure’ And She Totally Roasted Her Tía

Culture

This Woman From NYC Did A ‘Why I’m Single Brochure’ And She Totally Roasted Her Tía

@melissacroce / Twitter

We all know what it’s like to mentally prepare to see family after you’ve moved away from home. You’re going to hear all of the “ay, que flaquita” and “¿y el novio?” questions all in one breath. Those are just the most common questions. We all know that it never ends there. People are going to ask you about your job a million different ways, and still not get it.

Of course, every single viejo is going to ask you why you’re still single. “Mejor sola que mal acompañada,” so they say. Well, Melissa Croce had a lot more than that to tell her family and her reaction is something that can help all of us get ready for that family reunion.

Melissa Croce wanted to nip all questions in the bud with a handy brochure.

@melissacroce / Twitter

Apparently, it all started as a joke between Croce and her coworkers, but she couldn’t let go of the idea. After you read her brochure, you’ll understand why it’s so cathartic.

“So You Haven’t Seen Melissa Croce in Several Years: A Primer”

Here’s a lil life update on the subject of your chismosando, honey. “She’s beauty and she’s grace. She’ll say it to your face.” Boom. Roasted. Who hasn’t felt the same way when getting ready to see your family?

Croce handily has two separate columns for Job vs New York FAQS.

@melissacroce / Twitter

So many folks had a good laugh at the “Should you, though?” in response to “I should come visit you!” We’ve all braced ourselves through a fake grin answering highly judgmental questions. When they go low, we go high. When they go low, we go high. This brochure is pure low. 😂

You open the brochure to the question of the house: “Why is Melissa Single?”

@melissacroce / Twitter

You can choose whatever adventurous conversation experience you are initiating. What a perfect way to let the family know what they’re getting themselves into by passing judgment on single, working women.

Croce tweeted out her brochure and may have started a new side hustle for herself!

@EM_bolden / Twitter

Follow your passions and everything else will follow. Even though Latinas can all relate to being asked this question, sexism is universal. Croce might have a new career calling!

Even folks are asking for her career advice at this point.

@rheaswriting / Twitter

When you see success, you chase it, right? Croce works for a publishing company but isn’t editing or reading books. She’s marketing children’s books. You know, in case you didn’t read the brochure.

Croce didn’t actually pass out the brochures.

@KelseyMarrujo / Twitter

Of course, one *man* commented that, “The only thing that would be more petty than this would be actually giving it to people at the wedding.”

Croce told Buzzfeed, “I didn’t hand the brochures out! For one thing, I like my cousin, and secondly, I don’t think my aunts and uncles would’ve been too pleased with me if I did — but I did have to answer many of the questions on the brochure, so maybe I should’ve after all!”

One fan took the opportunity to formally ask Croce to be her life coach.

@EmiCalico / Twitter

Croce was surprised to learn how relatable her experience was–“going to a big event and exposing the basics of your life to people who mean well, but are also strangers in many ways.”

She said yes, of course.

@melissacroce / Twitter

We’re glad some folks are appreciating Croce because the sexism hasn’t relented since she tweeted out the brochure. Folks have been telling her, “boo hoo, suck it up,” and “we get it, you’re sexist and hate men.”

Nope. Women expressing their frustration with sexism is not allowed in a patriarchal society, and that’s not stopping anyone.

So many people are taking this brochure to heart and figuring out how they can make it their own.

@little_mswriter / Twitter

Thank you, Croce, and we hope the half dozen folks who have publicly reached out asking for their own brochure. If you’re reading this, Croce, we’ll leave you with this friendly message from @jmlandais:

“You definitely are good at your work. Turned your angst in a great brochure that stroke a nerve. I think you can ask for a raise.”

READ: What To Expect If You’re Introducing Your Novio To The Fam

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