Remember “Racial Draft,” the classic sketch from “Chappelle’s Show”?
CREDIT: Comedy Central
Dave Chappelle joked that while our nation’s diversity makes this country great, it also creates tension with respect to our multiracial celebrities. Does Tiger Woods’ talent come from his black half or his Asian half? What about Derek Jeter’s baseball skills, or Halle Berry’s acting chops, for that matter? Which ethnic group has a legal claim to their heroes?
CREDIT: Comedy Central
With that in mind, we’ve decided to imagine who Latinos might pick if Chappelle’s “Racial Draft” took place in 2016. If you haven’t noticed, we’re a hot commodity these days. Pop culture has not only embraced us, it has also started to imitate us. If we’re not careful, we might end up losing a few top prospects along the way.
Everyone’s been waiting for tonight… so let’s get started! Representing the Latino delegation in today’s draft, Jennifer Lopez!
CREDIT: Credit: Fox / American Idol
In the first round of the draft, the Latino delegation chooses: Ariana Grande!
A photo posted by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on
CREDIT: @ARIANAGRANDE / INSTAGRAM
Grande is about as Latina as Ariel Winter, Tila Tequila or your average 16-ounce latte from Starbucks. But, hey, we’d rather just grant her Latina status and save ourselves the trouble of repeatedly having to say “Actually, she’s Italian” any time someone questions her name. Besides, what’s in a name anyway? French fries aren’t actually French. Hamburgers aren’t from Hamburg, Germany. And a Mexican pizza is just an Italian dish with a little extra flavor. Welcome to the team, Ariana.
Here comes the next pick: Bruno Mars!
CREDIT: @BRUNOMARS / INSTAGRAM
Speaking of names, you might be asking yourself, what kind of last name is Mars? It’s the kind of name you choose when everyone in the music industry insists that you should sing in Spanish because your last name is actually Hernandez. You know, too ethnic to be anything other than just another Latino musican! Luckily, Bruno “Peter Hernandez” Mars figured out that the best way to escape blatant typecasting is to name yourself after the God of War. Way to go, society.
Next up in the 2016 draft: Aubrey Plaza!
CREDIT: LOVEUNDEFINEDD / TUMBLR / GIPHY
When it comes to Aubrey, the letters P and R might mean Parks and Rec, but they could also mean Puerto Rican. For most of her life, no one believed that Aubry was Latina because she didn’t look like she was. You know, not ethnic enough. In our minds, this makes her the poster child for today’s Latina. We don’t look like what you’d expect, and for that we’re sorry not sorry. Glad to have you representing us!
And in the fourth round of the 2016 draft, the Latino delegation picks: Lou Diamond Phillips!
CREDIT: @ATLANTISTVRU / TWITTER / VIMEO
Yep, a veteran. Lou rose to prominence in the Latino community for his portrayal of Ritchie Valens in “La Bamba” and Chavez y Chavez in “Young Guns.” And this year he’ll portray serial killer Richard Ramirez in “The Night Stalker.” What most people don’t know is that LDP is not actually Latino. His mother and father are Filipina and Scots-Irish, respectively. But that just makes us love him even more. Unlike some states — ahem, Arizona — we Latinos feel it’s OK to reward his years of loyalty to our cause by grandfathering him official status as Latino. Congrats, Lou!
And finally, in today’s draft we have: George Zimmerman.
CREDIT: ABC NEWS / YOUTUBE
George Zimmerman is half-Peruvian and full human garbage, and because of that, our delegation is calling a quick conference. After a brief debate, yes, it looks like J.Lo, and Latinos everywhere, have decided to pass entirely on Zimmerman. Be careful, Tito Ortiz, you’re on notice for the next draft. What’s next for Zim? Most likely he’ll flounder in racial free agency with other draft cast-offs, such as Bill Cosby, Paula Deen and anyone who adds green peas to guacamole.
Who would you draft? Mitu wants to know! Leave a comment below!