If The ‘Racial Draft’ From Chappelle’s Show Still Existed, Who Would Latinos Draft?

Remember “Racial Draft,” the classic sketch from “Chappelle’s Show”?

Comedy Central
CREDIT: Comedy Central

Dave Chappelle joked that while our nation’s diversity makes this country great, it also creates tension with respect to our multiracial celebrities. Does Tiger Woods’ talent come from his black half or his Asian half? What about Derek Jeter’s baseball skills, or Halle Berry’s acting chops, for that matter? Which ethnic group has a legal claim to their heroes?

Comedy Central
CREDIT: Comedy Central

With that in mind, we’ve decided to imagine who Latinos might pick if Chappelle’s “Racial Draft” took place in 2016. If you haven’t noticed, we’re a hot commodity these days. Pop culture has not only embraced us, it has also started to imitate us. If we’re not careful, we might end up losing a few top prospects along the way.

Everyone’s been waiting for tonight… so let’s get started! Representing the Latino delegation in today’s draft, Jennifer Lopez! 

Credit: Fox / American Idol
CREDIT: Credit: Fox / American Idol

In the first round of the draft, the Latino delegation chooses: Ariana Grande!

lilac kitty puff "swagger bag" now available @coach www.coach.com/kitiswagger ???

A photo posted by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on

Grande is about as Latina as Ariel Winter, Tila Tequila or your average 16-ounce latte from Starbucks. But, hey, we’d rather just grant her Latina status and save ourselves the trouble of repeatedly having to say “Actually, she’s Italian” any time someone questions her name. Besides, what’s in a name anyway? French fries aren’t actually French. Hamburgers aren’t from Hamburg, Germany. And a Mexican pizza is just an Italian dish with a little extra flavor. Welcome to the team, Ariana.

Here comes the next pick: Bruno Mars!

A photo posted by Bruno Mars (@brunomars) on

Speaking of names, you might be asking yourself, what kind of last name is Mars? It’s the kind of name you choose when everyone in the music industry insists that you should sing in Spanish because your last name is actually Hernandez. You know, too ethnic to be anything other than just another Latino musican! Luckily, Bruno “Peter Hernandez” Mars figured out that the best way to escape blatant typecasting is to name yourself after the God of War. Way to go, society.

Next up in the 2016 draft: Aubrey Plaza!

When it comes to Aubrey, the letters P and R might mean Parks and Rec, but they could also mean Puerto Rican. For most of her life, no one believed that Aubry was Latina because she didn’t look like she was. You know, not ethnic enough. In our minds, this makes her the poster child for today’s Latina. We don’t look like what you’d expect, and for that we’re sorry not sorry. Glad to have you representing us!

And in the fourth round of the 2016 draft, the Latino delegation picks: Lou Diamond Phillips!

Loud Iam Ond Phillips

Yep, a veteran. Lou rose to prominence in the Latino community for his portrayal of Ritchie Valens in “La Bamba” and Chavez y Chavez in “Young Guns.” And this year he’ll portray serial killer Richard Ramirez in “The Night Stalker.” What most people don’t know is that LDP is not actually Latino. His mother and father are Filipina and Scots-Irish, respectively. But that just makes us love him even more. Unlike some states — ahem, Arizona — we Latinos feel it’s OK to reward his years of loyalty to our cause by grandfathering him official status as Latino. Congrats, Lou!

READ: 11 Things We Learned From The Movie ‘La Bamba

And finally, in today’s draft we have: George Zimmerman.


George Zimmerman is half-Peruvian and full human garbage, and because of that, our delegation is calling a quick conference. After a brief debate, yes, it looks like J.Lo, and Latinos everywhere, have decided to pass entirely on Zimmerman. Be careful, Tito Ortiz, you’re on notice for the next draft. What’s next for Zim? Most likely he’ll flounder in racial free agency with other draft cast-offs, such as Bill Cosby, Paula Deen and anyone who adds green peas to guacamole.

Who would you draft? Mitu wants to know! Leave a comment below!

This Selfie Mario Lopez Took With Donald Trump Gave Us A LOT To Think About


This Selfie Mario Lopez Took With Donald Trump Gave Us A LOT To Think About

Twitter / Angelo Carusone

So, at some point, “Extra” host Mario Lopez took a smiling selfie with reality television star Donald Trump (and, for the record, with Hillary Clinton as well). And we had, like. A thought or 33 about it all.

1. We really hope they took a face swap version of this.

2. Or took this to Snapchat with the puppy face filter. 

3. God, that filter is so goddamn flattering.

4. Anyway. Yeah, what Ana Ortiz said. Double-you. Tee. Eff.

5. Like. What exactly is going on here?

6. What’s with making candidates seem like a friend or someone you’d ever want selfies with?

7. Hell, we don’t want a president to be our friend, ever.

8. We want one who is, like, way too smart to want to hang out with us. Who’s out there, like, doing equations for fun.

9. Or whatever super smart people do.

10. Mario, show off your dimples if you need us to come rescue you!

11. (Ah. HA! We knew it.)

12. Wow. Mario really doesn’t age at all, does he?

13. It’s almost like he made some kind of blood sacrifice to a demonic entity, thus preserving his eternal youth.

14. It’s always interesting to see who does an open mouth smile versus closed mouth.

15. Like Trump is very much all about the patented Olsen “prune”:

Screen Shot 2016-05-26 at 1.29.32 PM
Credit: Twitter / Mario Lopez

16. And Hillary is def more a fan of the wide smile:

Screen Shot 2016-05-26 at 1.29.39 PM
Credit: Twitter / Mario Lopez

17. And Mario’s got that versatility. You go, Mar-Lo.

18. And us? Well, we’re in a constant state of silently screaming.

19. Especially during election season.

20. Especially during THIS election season.

21. We also kind of felt bad for Mario when he started seeing the online backlash to his selfie, specifically the one with Trump. He made a video explaining the he wasn’t, like, “hanging out” with the candidates, he was just doing his job:

22. OK, pero like… You also literally ARE hanging out with them, Mario. Taking selfies. Smiling that dimpled smile.

23. Also, you tried to create a connection between Spanish speakers and Trump:


Credit: Twitter / Mario Lopez

24. Bro.

25. Like. Come on, bro.

26. But, seriously. Why are candidates appearing on entertainment news shows?

27. The reality is that Trump’s anti-Latino, and particularly anti-Mexican, rhetoric is courting a culture of hatred.

28. It’s playing out more and more and more and more in real life.

29. And that’s frightening.

30. We’re not entertained.

31. So, uh. Hey, what’s with all the shadows along the walls?

32. Are they being sucked into a swirling vortex of pain and darkness?

33. MARIO, NOOOOOOOoooooooo!

Credit: NBC

WATCH: Seth Meyers Rips Donald Trump A New One For His Ties To White Supremacists

Want to add to our thoughts? Pull yourself out of the vortex of darkness and share what’s on your mind.

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