EXCLUSIVE! Here’s What Didn’t Make It Into Donald Trump’s Convention Speech
Donald Trump says a lot of things, but its the things he doesn’t say that scare us the most. Trump’s acceptance speech for presidential nominee leaked hours before he took the stage, but thanks to a reliable source at Mitú, we actually saw an earlier draft Trump planned to give.* The manifesto, which was scribbled in Trump’s favorite crayon shade, features a lot of points that were cut from his final performance. Here are a few examples of the edit:
Trump said this: “Homicides last year increased by 17 percent in America’s 50 largest cities. That’s the largest increase in 25 years.”
But he originally wrote this: Don’t feed Latinos after midnight, or they’ll turn into rapists and criminals!
I don’t know what’s more offensive: the ignorance or that he outright aped a plot point from “Gremlins.”
Trump said this: “Nearly 180,000 illegal immigrants with criminal records, ordered deported from our country, are tonight roaming free to threaten peaceful citizens.”
But he originally wrote this: First thing you wanna know about
hippogriffs Latinos, is that they’re very proud creatures, very easily offended.
In a week where plagiarism claims plagued the RNC, it’s probably better that Trump’s team pulled Hagrid’s words from his final speech.
Trump said this: I’m with you!
But he originally wrote this: I’m with you, unless you’re brown!
I can’t even.
Trump said this: We are going to build a great border wall to stop illegal immigration!
But he originally wrote this: I put up a wall around my emotions, and look how rational and sane I turned out!
This sad piece of therapy reveals why Trump thinks walls are a good thing. I wonder why they made him take it out?
Trump said this: By ending catch-and-release on the border, we will stop the cycle of human smuggling and violence. Illegal border crossings will go down.
But he originally wrote this: Tacos are a false flag to distract you from their Reconquista!!!!!
And then he drew this:
A photo posted by Crayon Cramp (@crayoncramp) on
Credit: CrayonCamp / Instagram
We believe this is a picture of his running mate Mike Pence.
*This was a joke. Please don’t sue us, Donald Trump.