politics

Citizens Demand To See Donald Trump’s Verge

Donald Trump: Show Us Your PenisDonald J. Trump: Show Us Your Penis

Use hashtag #trumpshowusyourpenis

Posted by CollegeHumor on Sunday, March 6, 2016

So, How Big Is It?

Last week “Little Marco” Rubio, whose poor performance at the primaries has forced him to go into kamikaze mode, claimed that Donald Trump had small hands. This, of course, implies that the reality television star has a small penis.

Naturally, because his manhood had been questioned, Trump responded at Thursday’s GOP debate by suggesting that his penis was hyuuuuuuge.

Is it though? Trump, after all, has lied about watching Muslims celebrate during 9/11 (a blatant lie), Trump University, not knowing about David Duke or the Ku Klux Klan and(!) all Mexicans being rapists. So who’s to say that he’s not lying about his schlong? After all, the Drumpf does have a reputation for bragging about how big his assets are (release your financial records, Mr. Trump).

Before you dismiss this post as something other than stupid, hear me out: Adolf Hitler had a small, deformed penis. I’m not saying that Trump is the next Hitler, but he did just make his supporters salute him at a recent campaign rally.  You know who else had a salute? Yep, Hitler.

Listen, Trump, all we’re asking is that you show us a picture of your junk to ensure that you’re nothing like the most reprehensible human being that ever existed. You owe the American public that much.

QUIZ: Can You Tell The Difference Between A Donald Trump Quote And A Hitler Quote

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7 Reasons You Need Hot Cheetos To Live Your Best Life (And Death)

food and drink

7 Reasons You Need Hot Cheetos To Live Your Best Life (And Death)

Flickr Creative Commons / Rev. Xanatos Satanicos Bombastic

Not to be dramatic or anything, but it’s clear that Hot Cheetos are the single most important invention in the history of time. They are literally life-changing. To wit: They’re the invention of a dude named Richard Montañez, whose idea for the perfect snack helped him rise from janitor at Frito-Lay to an executive at PepsiCo. They pretty much improve everything they touch. For example…

Snacks

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Credit: Instagram / @maverickbriones

Food. It’s good, right? WRONG. All food is essentially just a blank canvas for Hot Cheetos. From hot dogs to hamburgers to literal bags of cheese, here’s a complete list of ways to up your Hot Cheeto game.

Desserts

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Credit: YouTube / Giving in to Cyn

You can’t just use Hot Cheetos on savory foods, you fool. Use ’em to make desserts too, like Hot Cheeto brittle, Hot Cheeto marshmallow treats, and Hot Cheeto macarons.

Drinks

tequila
Credit: YouTube / The Tipsy Bartender

The only thing better than Hot Cheetos are Hot Cheetos-and-alcohol. Maybe you’d enjoy from Flamin’ Hot Cheeto tequila shots? By “enjoy,” I mean “drink while crying.”

First Dates

date
Credit: Source image via Flickr Creative Commons / Roy

First dates can be really rough, not to mention awkward, stressful and often totally lacking in Hot Cheetos. That’s why it’s always best to present your date / potential future soulmate with a bouquet of Hot Cheetos. It shows you care, that you have good taste and that you also like things that taste good.

Babies

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Credit: Source Image via Flickr Creative Commons / Myles Grant

Everyone is having babies. Sometimes several babies. Hundreds and thousands of babies, all over Facebook and at the table next to yours and screaming all throughout every movie at every movie theater.  The solution? Replace babies with Hot Cheetos. You’re welcome.

Awkward Family Functions

family
Credit: Source Image via Flickr Creative Commons / Rev. Xanatos Satanicos Bombastic 

There’s nothing worse than standing in front of the tia you haven’t seen in sixteen years as she asks you “¿Y tu novio/a?” and then points out that you’ve gained a lot of weight since the last time she saw you. And then there’s your creepy uncle, the cousin you had a crush on when you were younger, the cousin everyone compares you to and Abuelo, who won’t stop farting and trying to mask it by coughing. So just don’t do it. Don’t hang out with them. Replace your entire family with Hot Cheetos.

Funerals

coffin
Credit: Source Image via Flickr Creative Commons / antsnax

Death is kind of a bummer. But you what isn’t? Hot Cheetos.

See? Don’t they make everything better?

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Credit: KatyPerryVEVO / ET Online

WATCH: Takis vs. Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

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