Summer is here, and that can only mean one thing: It’s time to get that perfect summer body to take out to the beach or, say, toss onto the floor as you lie perfectly still in your un-air-conditioned apartment. And we’ve got the ~hottest tips~ to get yours ready.
Let’s get right to it:
Step 1: Go to a mirror. Take a good, long look at your body.
Míralo bien. Memorize every detail, every curve, bump, bony bit and every little lunar. Think about how you got that scar, the way your smile sneaks up a little more on one side, how your nose is your dad’s, exacta, how your hair and your hips are from your mother’s side.
Step 2: Close your eyes and picture your ideal form.
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How is this body going to be different from your fall/winter/spring/that-weird-season-where-it’s-technically-fall-but-still-feel-way-too-hot bod? Hmm, maybe if we added a tail? Horns? Wings??
Step 3: Compare yourself, in painstaking detail, to other summer bodies.
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Like merpeople, blobfish and the paletero.
Step 4: Change all your exercise and eating habits!
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You gotta make those big changes if you want to see real results! Swap warm winter soups for ice cream, trade your coat for shorts, and swap watching Netflix under a blanket for a swim or a walk in a garden.
Summer 2019 is officially the summer carbonation took over the hearts and minds of the the adult beverage industry. Natty Light, PBR, Four Loko, and practically any alcohol company with a pulse who can make and bottle boozy seltzer jumped on a train that continues to bubble out of control.
The next phase of the sparkling beverage boom: Sparkling tequila.
LA-based Pure Azul just announced that it will be rolling out Azulana sparkling tequila this week in California, producing the first and only beverage on the market made with 100% blue agave tequila and sparkling soda.
Crafted in Jalisco, Mexico, it comes canned in three flavors: Original (… tequila-flavored sparkling soda), Lime, and Pineapple Rosemary. Azulana sparkling tequila will be released in 12-oz. cans, containing 4.3% ABV with 145 calories.
In other words, the legit perfect drink for summer. You just may want to break out some sal y limon to fully enjoy it.
The three flavors are each unique and, not gonna lie, sound straight up tasty.
According to the company’s website, the “Original” flavor goes down smooth with a “lightly sweet” and “slightly tart” taste.
The “Pineapple Rosemary,” meanwhile, boasts a fruity, herbal flavor somewhat reminiscent of flowers, while the “Lime” option is zesty and tropical.
Sparkling tequila is the the latest in a total takeover of the alcoholic beverage industry by sparkly, bubbly bebidas.
Clearly, Azulana looks to capitalize on two glaring beverage industry trends: The proliferation of sparkling hard seltzer and the continued success of tequila, which Azulana notes “continues to thrive.” In 2017, for example, the US saw an 8.5% increase in tequila liter sales over the previous year, according to the Distilled Spirits Council.
In a press release, Katie Pittman, Head of Sales and Marketing at Pure Azul notes, “Our goal is to help others understand that tequila isn’t just enjoyed during a wild night out – with Azulana, it can truly be enjoyed during all occasions – anywhere, anytime.”
It’s also good timing – tequila sales are up up up across the US.
It may not seem like it to those of us who regularly order the Patron or some Cuervo when we having a party, but it’s true. Tequila sales are booming in the US. In 2017, for example, tequila sales were up 8.5% from the year before.
So if there was ever a time to enter the tequila business – it would be now. Make them coins.
The grand unveiling was August 22nd at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, CA.
And, of course, it made its debut at a Rolling Stones concert. Because I guess tequila and Stones go together like…sal y limon?
But don’t worry if you didn’t make it to that concert. You won’t have to wait long. The sparking tequila beverage will be available at Bristol Farms supermarkets in Southern California from August 28th before expanding to other markets and regions from then.
While some seemed to at least be open to the idea…
I mean, it all really depends on your feelings towards sparkling drinks to begin with. If you’re already a fan, then sparkling tequila isn’t too much of a stretch.
Mexicans were openly skeptical.
But let’s note, many on Latino Twitter basically said they were simultaneously fascinated and disgusted by the idea of sparkling tequila.
And a few people pointed out that summer is nearly over.
But if you have sparking tequila at your house…is summer ever really over? Idon’t think so.
While the rest of society is tapping into how nature is a significant signaler to our emotional and spiritual needs, Latinos grew up finding meaning in every change in the wind, and every dream. We’re superstitious AF, but we’re also highly in tune with nature.
We’re also chugging soda and eating Goya beans from a can because it’s 2019 and we have full-time jobs and three other gigs to get to. Whatever you have on your plate today, these zodiac-aligned sodas are destined to be more effective for you, hijo de las estrellas.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
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Honey, the arrangement of the stars this summer is signaling you to stay off the ‘gram. Get away from social media and get out of your head. There’s nothing like a sweet, tropical Jupiña to take with you to the beach or mountains.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
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Taurus’s are often misunderstood as lazy, but the fact is that you are more in touch with your self and your needs than any other sign. You’re free from the shame of indulging as an act of self-love. So when you have a Malta, you definitely add condensed milk to it to maximize the effects of every self-treat. Plus, it reminds you of drinking Malta as a niño and feeling like you could kick your feet up with the beer-drinking adults.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
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You’re represented by celestial twins–signifying a range of meanings, primarily to represent your many interests. The story goes that the goddess had so many passions, she doubled herself to get it all done. Cuba’s Iron Beer hasn’t decided whether it’s root beer or cream soda, and that’s because, like you, it can be both.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
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This summer, your space is yours. Whether you’re staying home to reflect and refuel your tank or burning up that gasolina on the dance floor, Jarritos stay with you. Nourishing both your home realm and your social side will be important for you. Pro tip: spiked Jarritos is even better.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
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Leo, your allure could be spotted from a mile away. Inca Kola’s neon yellow bubble gum flavors will make you glow in the dark. Don’t play like that doesn’t sound like your dream.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
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The energies of the lunar eclipse in Capricorn is still inspiring productivity like never before in you, hermit. Topo Chico is not a soda, per se, but it is a bubbly drink that you can enjoy anytime. Whether you’re drinking it straight from the bottle at your desk or adding your favorite fruits, Topo Chico is the only bubbly you need to keep you in the zone.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
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Ooh, Libra, your summer is set to look very physically (read: so much sex) active. You always have many people vying for your attention, but as you work on building trust with your chosen partner, you’re going to need to hydrate. Materva is brewed with mate leaves, giving you a bit of caffeine (alongside 40 grams of sugar, but who’s counting) to fuel your love life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
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Like Mexican Coke, you, scorpion, have a cult following. But this month isn’t about what other people think of you. No matter the expectations of you, it’s time to turn inward and go back to old wounds that cause all the classic drama in your life. Don’t worry, when you let it go, you’ll still be a classic inside and out.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
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Travels are in your future, Sagittarius. There’s nothing more germane to its country of origin than Colombiana soda. Its bubble gum scented cream soda flavors will always remind you of the importance of honoring the place you visit.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
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Fellow sea goats–it has been un mes tan pesado. No te preocupes–instead of trying to find out where you fit, it’s time to realize you belong everywhere in this world. You’re not just a Mundet, you’re an elusive green apple cider. Embrace your individuality. It will set you free.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
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You, Aquarius, are in a humanitarian activist mode. With Puerto Rico’s police force firing tear gas and rubber bullets at protesters, PR’s favorite soda, Kola Champagne, will be fuel for your fire.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
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Our favorite water-lovers can take their game to the next level this summer with Coco Rico. This soda is here for you when you want to drink out of a coconut on the beach, but with more sugar and carbonation. It’s next-level water, básicamente.