Summer is here, and that can only mean one thing: It’s time to get that perfect summer body to take out to the beach or, say, toss onto the floor as you lie perfectly still in your un-air-conditioned apartment. And we’ve got the ~hottest tips~ to get yours ready.
Let’s get right to it:
Step 1: Go to a mirror. Take a good, long look at your body.
Míralo bien. Memorize every detail, every curve, bump, bony bit and every little lunar. Think about how you got that scar, the way your smile sneaks up a little more on one side, how your nose is your dad’s, exacta, how your hair and your hips are from your mother’s side.
Step 2: Close your eyes and picture your ideal form.
Credit: Protocol Entertainment
How is this body going to be different from your fall/winter/spring/that-weird-season-where-it’s-technically-fall-but-still-feel-way-too-hot bod? Hmm, maybe if we added a tail? Horns? Wings??
Step 3: Compare yourself, in painstaking detail, to other summer bodies.
Credit: Paramount Pictures
Like merpeople, blobfish and the paletero.
Step 4: Change all your exercise and eating habits!
Credit: Cartoon Network
You gotta make those big changes if you want to see real results! Swap warm winter soups for ice cream, trade your coat for shorts, and swap watching Netflix under a blanket for a swim or a walk in a garden.
Step 5: Ask yourself the tough questions.
Here they are, in order of toughness:
- Is it summer?
- Do I have a body?
…Did you answer? OK, good. Ya. Fuácata.
You’ve got a summer body.
And it’s amazing. Take good care of it, and go out and enjoy your summer.
So, tell us: How’s that summer body coming along?