There aren’t many better ways to spend your summer afternoons than at a baseball game rooting for your favorite team while guzzling on a michelada. Mucho chile por favor! But there’s always a fan who wants to hinder your enjoyment, like these unavoidable, unmannerly fans…
Those Who Start the Wave – at the MOST Crucial Time
Let’s start off with the fan I hate the most. It’s the bottom of the ninth and my Dodgers are trying to rally. Suddenly some prick starts demanding we do the wave. I try to ignore the idiotic request, but still he gets half the section to stand for a half-hearted wave while I miss the most important play of the game.
The Seat Stealers
It’s always awkward to deal with these fans. You have to politely tell them – without making them feel stupid – they’ve made a “mistake.” But they’re always in denial and suddenly you’re arguing with these morons on who’s right and wrong. The only thing left to do is call an usher like they’re your elementary teacher to resolve the matter while the rest of your party stands uncomfortably munching on nachos.
The Ones Who Can’t Hold It In
There’s one in every row. This is the fan who makes the entire row get up every inning because he or she can’t control his or her bladder. They step on your shoes and spill beer on you on the way back. This person shouldn’t be allowed to drink if he’s not potty trained, or at least do us the courtesy of purchasing an aisle seat.
Everyone hates these guys. They act like they chugged a bottle of Jack on their way to the game, but in reality just had a few Strawberitas – and just can’t hang. Then they buy a tall can at the ballgame and sip on it for seven innings and yell at the concession stands cashier because they stopped selling alcohol after the seventh inning. These bros spend the entire game making women uncomfortable cat-calling and shouting profanity at the outfielders.
The Obnoxious Opposing Team Fan
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This loud-mouth is the cousin of the way-too-drunk punk. His mission is to get under the skin of every home team fan. He walks to his seat tugging on his jersey like he just scored the game-winning shot for his YMCA basketball team. No one pays attention to this clown so he cheers louder. Whenever his team scores he erupts like a maniac, and starts waving his hands like he’s Hulk Hogan. That’s when the beers and popcorn start flying at him and he has completed his mission.
Those Who Show Up Late and Leave Early
Credit: Lockerdome / MLB
The good thing is you only have to deal with them from innings three to seven. They don’t talk to you or interact with you in any way, but their lack of appreciation for the game just rubs you the wrong way. Don’t get me started on how ticked off I get when they leave after the seventh-inning stretch during a 1-1 tie game.
The I’m-Only-Here-for-the-Gram Fan
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These fans only tag along because it gives them a chance to hashtag away and update their Instagram feed. They constantly add to their 233 second Snapchat story. You’d think most of these fans would be women, but many men in tank tops and cargos are guilty of this ballpark crime.
The Fans Who Giggle Over Cute Players
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They see a baseball player’s mug shot on the jumbotron and it’s love at first sight. They start using words like “OMG” and ask 21 questions about their new crush. Crushing on one player is fine, but when they start falling for every guy and all they care about is how their butts look in the uniforms that’s when it becomes annoying.
The Couples with Kiss Cam Dreams
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Everyone loves the comedy the kiss cam brings; like the boyfriend who licks his girlfriend’s face or when the camera guy mistakes siblings for a couple. It’s funny at first, but then there’s the couple that locks eyes and make out like there’s no tomorrow. That’s when your girlfriend turns to you and asks “why don’t you ever kiss me like that?” All bad.
15-seconds of Jumbotron Fame Whores
Credit: bobbleh34d / Tumblr
No need to say more.
The Know-It-All Fan Who Knows Nothing
Someone shouts “Hey, take off that jersey. That guys sucks.” You try to ignore this d-bag, but he somehow sucks you into a conversation on why the player whose jersey you’re wearing stinks. He’ll call Clayton Kershaw “Clay Carshaw” and throw out inaccurate stats on why he’s overrated. Just walk away. You’ll never win this battle.
Credit: andjosephforall / Tumblr
This scum bag ruins it for everybody. He – or she – will pick a fight over everything. You stepped on my shoes. Your team sucks. It’s a game, relax. Stay AWAY from these hotheads.
Gilberto Manzano is a contributor for mitú and an editor for Around The NFL at NFL.com.