We’ve all come across these guys in our lifetime…
Mama’s Boy AKA El Chiqueado
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He always dropped hints that he wanted you to do things more like his mom. “Mi mamá lo cocina diferente.” He wanted you to be more so much like her, it was low-key Norman Bates kind of creepy.
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He invited himself to girls’ night out because he didn’t trust you, much less your friends. He thought having your Facebook password was romantic. On top of that, you caught him looking at your phone more than twice. He claimed he was checking the time ?.
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He expected a home-cooked meal every single night. When he was around his friends he’d say things to try to prove he wore the pants, when he knew damn well that wasn’t the case. He talked to his friends about how he was a beast in bed when you both knew damn well he was a one-minute man.
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He always talked about money or what he just bought. His car era del año. He was also oddly obsessed with how many Instagram followers he had and expected you to you look a certain way all the time so he could show you off like his trophy.
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His image was immaculate; eyebrows always done, he waxed his entire body and his outfits were worthy of a GQ cover. He complimented you a lot, but rarely initiated intimacy. Also, his man crush for Cristiano Ronaldo was a little too strong. He might’ve been gay…
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He never took charge. Waited for you to plan every date, every meal, every movie. You thought it was sweet at first, but you got tired he didn’t take charge at all. He also never stood up to your sassiness, which was respectful, but kind of petty at the same time. You need a team player, not a cheerleader.
The Good Boy
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He went to church every Sunday without fail and the only show he watched was La Rosa de Guadalupe. He didn’t like to party, but went with you once in a while – to count your liquor. He never went past first-base because he wanted to respect you, AKA save himself for marriage. Hello! You gotta test drive the car before you buy it ??.
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You never saw him during the week because he was at the gym pumping iron. You had to say good-bye to all the tacos, tortas, cake, everything you liked, but gained weight because all you ate was protein. And low-key, you got sick of him wearing muscle shirts all the time and it was annoying dating someone who watched their figure more than you.
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He was very in touch with nature – like his family’s ranch animals. He followed tradition to the extreme which was comforting at first, but you couldn’t handle no wi-fi, no social media, no Instagram – which meant you never would’ve been his #WCW – and that’s not something you were willing to settle with.
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You were attracted at first because he was so tough and cool looking, and you wanted to rebel against your parents. You quickly realized dating him was too thrilling for you to handle.
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You fell for him because he had a heart of gold, but then you realized it was bittersweet. He cried more than you and was overly sensitive. He might’ve said I love you at the end of your second date – you should’ve known it wasn’t a good sign.
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Every gift he got you involved a soccer jersey or tickets to a game – when he knew you didn’t even like soccer. You knew you were going to have a bad date when his Chivas lost. You suspected he loved your team more than he claimed to love you.
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Everything was over-the-top: dramatic, romantic, passionate. He said the cheesiest things, but you couldn’t help but swoon every time you heard them. You loved hard and fought even harder, everything was so dramatic. He celebrated every month anniversary with a gift or special dinner even after 8 years of dating. Too much.
The perfect guy is a combination of all of these. Is that too much to ask?