The Rio Olympics are finally happening. After so much speculation on the safety, health and general well-being of everyone involved, it’s a relief to see the Games finally go forward. But, what if Latinos, or even our parents, were in charge of the Olympic Games? Well, here’s what they would probably look like.
1. Grocery Lifting
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Finally! An event that puts all those years of intense grocery lifting to good use. Bonus points if you can lift all the bags and the watermelon mami insisted on buying without breaking a sweat.
2. The Curfew Dash
Admit it, the Olympics would be so much more fun if you saw the athletes running to the finish line as their parents watched the clock. If you’re late, the door is slammed shut and you lose the event.
3. The Chancla Toss
Accuracy and distance are the main goals of this event. Not only do you need to make sure you can throw your chancla the furthest, it’s crucial that you hear the slap of chancla hitting skin. Trick shots are not only expected, they are encouraged and raise your starting score.
4. Chancla Ducking
There’s nowhere to run. Competitors duck a relentless chancla attack. The first to convince mami to stop slinging chanclas wins. Bruise count is factored into the tiebreaker.
5. Sock Slide Racing
OK, this event is more so created by us, los hijos. You finally get a chance put all those practice runs to the test and finally prove, once and for all, who is the best sock slider in the world.
6. Piñata Bashing
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It’s kinda like golf. The more swings to take to break the piñata, the lower your score. Official uniform is the quince dress — for girls and guys.
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The first person to mop the room to abuelita’s approval wins. The rules do state, however, that not one drop water or cleaning liquid can make contact with any of the furniture. Doing so will result in an immediate disqualification.
8. Furniture Jumping
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This game only has one rule, don’t touch the floor. You can jump, side step and crawl all over the furniture as long as you get out of the room and to dry ground. Even one smudge on the freshly mopped floor is grounds for disqualification.
9. The Chisme Relay
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It’s kind of like the game telephone, but this time you spill some serious chisme. The first team to successfully spread the “you didn’t hear it from me” rumor wins the gold and ultimate chisme bragging rights.
10. Tortilla Flipping
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Simple event: If the tortilla rips, you lose points. If the tortilla falls to the ground, you lose points. If the tortilla triumphantly puffs up, then you are the undisputed champion.
11. Speed Greeting
Credit: Guinness World Records
This is another one of those events that is all about speed. The challenge is hugging every last family member with both arms. Be careful not to get caught up in a story by tía Marisol or it’ll cost you the gold.