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This Is What The Olympics Would Look Like If Our Parents Organized Them

The Rio Olympics are finally happening. After so much speculation on the safety, health and general well-being of everyone involved, it’s a relief to see the Games finally go forward. But, what if Latinos, or even our parents, were in charge of the Olympic Games? Well, here’s what they would probably look like.

1. Grocery Lifting

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Credit: BreakingBeard / Imgur

Finally! An event that puts all those years of intense grocery lifting to good use. Bonus points if you can lift all the bags and the watermelon mami insisted on buying without breaking a sweat.

2. The Curfew Dash

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Credit: Equipe de France de Football / Giphy

Admit it, the Olympics would be so much more fun if you saw the athletes running to the finish line as their parents watched the clock. If you’re late, the door is slammed shut and you lose the event.

3. The Chancla Toss

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Credit: Antonio Rios III / mun2.tv / YouTube

Accuracy and distance are the main goals of this event. Not only do you need to make sure you can throw your chancla the furthest, it’s crucial that you hear the slap of chancla hitting skin. Trick shots are not only expected, they are encouraged and raise your starting score.

4. Chancla Ducking

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Credit: CNN

There’s nowhere to run. Competitors duck a relentless chancla attack. The first to convince mami to stop slinging chanclas wins. Bruise count is factored into the tiebreaker.

5. Sock Slide Racing

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Credit: Risky Business / The Geffen Company / yahooentertainment / Tumblr

OK, this event is more so created by us, los hijos. You finally get a chance put all those practice runs to the test and finally prove, once and for all, who is the best sock slider in the world.

6. Piñata Bashing

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Credit: Angie Tribeca / Giphy

It’s kinda like golf. The more swings to take to break the piñata, the lower your score. Official uniform is the quince dress — for girls and guys.

7. Mopping

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Credit: anjelania / Tumblr

The first person to mop the room to abuelita’s approval wins. The rules do state, however, that not one drop water or cleaning liquid can make contact with any of the furniture. Doing so will result in an immediate disqualification.

8. Furniture Jumping

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Credit: hotfrost / Reddit

This game only has one rule, don’t touch the floor. You can jump, side step and crawl all over the furniture as long as you get out of the room and to dry ground. Even one smudge on the freshly mopped floor is grounds for disqualification.

9. The Chisme Relay

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Credit: Jimmy Kimmel Live / YouTube

It’s kind of like the game telephone, but this time you spill some serious chisme. The first team to successfully spread the “you didn’t hear it from me” rumor wins the gold and ultimate chisme bragging rights.

10. Tortilla Flipping

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Credit: hectorfergo / YouTube

Simple event: If the tortilla rips, you lose points. If the tortilla falls to the ground, you lose points. If the tortilla triumphantly puffs up, then you are the undisputed champion.

11. Speed Greeting

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Credit: Guinness World Records

This is another one of those events that is all about speed. The challenge is hugging every last family member with both arms. Be careful not to get caught up in a story by tía Marisol or it’ll cost you the gold.


READ: Umm… Human Body Parts Washed Up At Brazil’s Olympic Beach Volleyball Site

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These Latino Athletes Have Delivered The Most Iconic Moments In Sports History

Entertainment

These Latino Athletes Have Delivered The Most Iconic Moments In Sports History

sabatinigaby / nairoquintanaoficial / Instagram

Latin American and U.S. Latino athletes have given the Spanish and Portuguese-speaking world countless moments of joy, pride, and hope. Latin American sportswomen and men usually come from disadvantaged backgrounds so their stories of pride and success inspire us even more. It would be almost impossible to enumerate all the triumphs achieved by Latin American athletes, but we are listing some of the most memorable ones. Sí se puede!

When Diego Armando Maradona scored the infamous but glorious goal known as “La mano de Dios” (“The hand of God”)
June 22, 1986, Estadio Azteca in Mexico City, in a quarterfinals game against bitter rivals England

Credit: romanzosportivo / Instagram

This has got to be the single most controversial moment in World Cup history. Argentina was facing England in the quarterfinals and Maradona jumped to hit the ball with his head. But thing is, he actually hit it with his hand and the ball penetrated the net. The English were of course appalled, but this event remains one of the most memorable in the long history of joy and drama of the Argentinian national team. We got to also remember that there was some bad blood between Argentina and England at the time, a product of the Falklands War. 

When Ana Gabriela Guevara excelled in an Olympic event that was uncharted territory for Latina athletes
2004 Olympic Games, Athens, Greece

Credit: efemerides_de_famosos / Instagram

Ana Gabriela Guevara, who is now a very controversial politician, gained notoriety for scoring a silver medal in the 2004 Athens Olympic Games. She competed in 400m, a test that Mexican track athletes don’t generally excel. But she proved that she is one of a kind. 

When Mexican boxing legend Julio César Chávez pulled off a miracle and knocked out Meldrick Taylor in the last few seconds of their championship unification fight
March 17, 1990, Las Vegas, Nevada

Credit: jcchavez115 / Instagram

In a rare encounter, the world’s two best boxers met for a unification fight. Both were unbeaten and Chávez was heralded as a national hero in his native Mexico. The fight was as tough as it gets, with both boxers sustaining enormous amounts of punishment. With 17 seconds left on the clock and behind in the scorecards Julio César connected with a massive right hand. The contest was stopped with two seconds left: a boxing miracle of the highest order.

When Fernando Valenzuela became a baseball hero and an icon of Mexican-American pride and excellence
1981-1986

Credit: 5browncrew / Instagram

Fernando “El Toro” Valenzuela became an icon of Latino sportsmanship after an excellent 1981 season with the Los Angeles Dodgers. He was one of the first Mexicans to break into the mainstream in the United States. He inspired and continues to inspire, millions of paisanos. He was an All-Star in each season of his incredible 1981-1986 run. 

When Gabriela Sabatini demonstrated that Latinas can excel in the tennis court
US Open, 1990, Womens’ Tennis champion!

Credit: sabatinigaby / Instagram

Tennis is a perilous sport for Latin Americans because it is mostly dominated by the United States and Europe. But Sabatini showed that Latino girls can be ace too! She won the U.S. Open in 1990, defeating the German Stefi Graf. Una dama del deporte blanco en toda la extensión de la palabra.

When Colombian dynamo Nairo Quintana reached the stars on his bike
Since 2012

Credit: nairoquintanaoficial / Instagram

Nairo Alexander Quintana Rojas is perhaps the greatest Colombian cyclist of all time. That is a big claim considering the long and glorious history of the sport in Colombia. Quintana is known for his sustained attacks during steep hills: when most of his adversaries struggle, he has his best performance. He was won multiple stages of the Tour de France and the Giro di Italia. 

When Felipe “Tibio” Muñoz swam toward a gold medal and got a whole country celebrating after some pretty traumatizing events
1968 Olympic Games in Mexico City

Credit: mexico_68_el_tibio_munoz. Digital image. El Grafico

Prior to the 1968 Olympic Games in Mexico City, Mexicans had experienced a traumatizing event when the army attacked a group of students and civilians who were protesting at the Tlatelolco Square. The country was split emotionally and politically. But then came “El Tibio” and at least for a brief moment, the country was united behind a young man who swam his way to a gold medal. The memory of his accomplishment is still brought up today when thinking of the greatest sporting moments in Latin American history. 

When Ecuadorian athlete Jefferson Perez won an Olympic gold medal in the Atlanta Olympic Games
Atlanta Olympic Games, 1996

Credit: jeffersonperezq / Instagram

Ecuador doesn’t have a strong Olympic team, and medals have been few and far in between. That is why Jefferson Perez is a standout in the sporting history of this proud South American nation. During the 1996 Atlanta Olympic Games, Perez did the unthinkable. As Rihannon Walker writes in The Undefeated: “Ecuador’s Jefferson Pérez, Russia’s Ilya Markov and Mexico’s Bernardo Segura struggled to find separation from one another as they neared the finish of the 20-kilometer walk at the 1996 Olympics. Then Pérez began to take advantage of having the youngest legs of the trio and powered himself into the lead. As a crowd of 85,000 waited to see who would be the first to appear at Olympic Stadium, Pérez made a dramatic solo entrance and finished in 1 hour, 20 minutes and 7 seconds to become the youngest gold medalist in the 20-km event at 22. His victory also secured Ecuador’s first Olympic medal.” Just wow, a moment to remember forever. 

When Teófilo Stevenson reigned supreme in amateur boxing. Viva Cuba!
1972, 1975, and 1980 Olympic Games in Munich, Montreal, and Moscow

Credit: saintmax55 / Instagram

In the 1970s Muhammad Ali was the greatest name in heavyweight boxing, but he was perhaps not the best. Many believe that amateur legend Teofilo Stevenson of Cuba would have beat the great Ali. But, alas, Cuban boxers were not allowed to turn professional and a fight between the two never materialized. Stevenson’s amateur career extended 20 years, from 1969 to 1986. He won a total of three gold medals, un logro extraordinario

When “Las espectaculares morenas del Caribe” Cuban female volleyball team captured the world’s imagination and won three consecutive Olympic gold medals
Barcelona 1992, Atlanta 1996 and Sydney 2000 Olympic Games

Credit: AAuFzt9. Digital image. MSN. 

This group of amazing Cuban ladies totally dominated volleyball for three Olympic Games, and then won the bronze in their fourth attempt. Puro Cuba! 

When Costa Rican swimmer Claudia Poll surprised everyone and became a national icon
Atlanta 1996 Olympic Games

Credit: AAuFGZl. Digital image. MSN

This amazing woman was born in Nicaragua but later became a Costa Rican citizen. She won a gold medal in the Atlanta Games (a big year for Latino athletes!) and is considered the greatest sports figure in the history of the Central American nation. She also won two bronze medals in the 2000 Sydney Olympics. A true force of nature.

READ: 11 Unusual Sports You Can Find In Latin America

These 20 Latino Sayings Will Get You Through Any And Every Day

Culture

These 20 Latino Sayings Will Get You Through Any And Every Day

Sai De Silva / Unsplash

Life is complicated. Luckily, Latinos have sayings, or refrains, that help with managing expectations and making better choices. Beyond offering sound advice, some clever sayings, when dropped like jewels at just the right moment, help transform tension into laughter. While some sayings seem outdated, folk witticisms leftover from the early days, they address elements of the human condition that are timeless like love, jealousy, ingratitude, and morality. Whether deciding to stay in a long-distance relationship or looking for an old-school diss, these 20 Latino sayings are worth memorizing and dishing out the next time a golden opportunity presents itself.

Talk About Love

Credit: Sticker Mule / Unsplash

1. Mejor sola que mala acompañada.

Better to be alone then among bad company. This saying is great for those moments when the fear of being alone starts to kick in. More deeply, this timeless saying is also reflective of the importance of self- love.

2. Amor de lejos, felices los cuatros.

In long-distance love, four people are happy. This pessimistic proverb suggests long-distance relationships provide fertile ground for infidelity. This saying came about before technology helped couples stay more in touch than ever. And yet, the possibility remains.

3. Juntos pero no revueltos.

Together but not mixed. This dicho is the equivalent of saying, “It’s complicated.” It’s a great way to explain why a couple doesn’t live together, or why they are not married.

4. Un clavo saca otro clavo.

A nail removes the other nail. The meaning behind this refrán is that a new relationship, or lover, can help a person get over a failed relationship.

5.  Ojos que no ven, corazón que no siente.

Out of sight, out of mind. It’s hard to say this refrán without thinking about Alexis & Fido’s 2009 hit song.

Proceed With Caution

Credit: Belinda Fewings / Unsplasj

6. Dime con quién andas y te diré quién eres.

Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are. This saying has come out of many parents’ mouths. It’s a perfect proverb for helping a person decide what kind of company they should keep.

7. Más sabe el diablo por viejo que por diablo.

The devil knows more because he is old than because he is the devil. In other words, with age comes wisdom. This saying also warns against elders who may be sly or have bad intentions.

8. Con un dedo no se tapa el sol.

The sun cannot be covered with a finger. This is a great piece of advice that addresses the way self-deception is harmful. It also calls out quick fixes that don’t serve to address larger issues.

9. En boca cerrada no entran moscas.

A closed mouth does not catch flies. This idiom more accurately translates to ‘silence is golden.’ This refrán extols the virtues of discretion.

10. El que no llora, no mama.

The baby who doesn’t cry, doesn’t get milk. This saying is akin to ‘the squeaky wheel gets the grease.’ A great refrán serving to inspire vocalization of needs and wants.

Insults Que Arden

Credit: Charles / Unsplash

11. A otro perro con ese hueso.

To another dog with that bone. It’s the “talk to the hand” of all the idioms. Deploy this saying at the sight of deception. 

12. Se cree la última Coca Cola del desierto.

He/She thinks they are the last Coca-Cola in the desert. A third-degree burn, this little gem calls out people who think they are more attractive or desirable than everyone else.

13. Se cree mejor de la bolita del mundo.

He/She thinks they are the best in the world. The exact translation fails to convey the hilarity of this saying. While also a diss to those who think they are hot stuff, the saying reduces the entire planet into a tiny, little ball.

14. Se fue de Guatemala a Guata-peor!

This a saying that relies on a play on words, mala meaning bad, and peor meaning worse. The idea is that the person went from one bad situation to an even worse situation.

15. Cuando tu ibas, yo venia.

When you were coming, I was leaving. A great diss from an elder, this dicho also conveys a knowing that comes with age. It works particularly well when directed at teenagers who attempt to be deceptive but are really transparent. 

For the Nostalgia and the LOLs

Credit: Ashley Whitlatch / Unsplash

16. Quien fue a Sevilla, perdió su silla.

Who went to Sevilla lost his/her chair. Here is a fun phrase that relies on wordplay and rhyme. 

17. Tirar las puertas por las ventanas.

Throw the doors out the windows. This is what you say when you plan to have an absolute blow out party! Think of New Year’s Eve, Cinco de Mayo, or birthdays.

18. Vete a freír papas.

Go fry potatoes. While this saying may seem like an insult, it works as a playful way to tell someone to go to hell without sounding so vulgar.

19. Por si las moscas.

For if the flies. This is more of a nostalgic phrase that means ‘just in case.’ Use it when deciding on whether or not to pack that snack bar or an umbrella. 

20. Calabaza, calabaza, todo el mundo para su casa!

Pumpkin, pumpkin, everyone go home! Our final phrase is a fun way to end the fiesta, or bring the gathering to a close.

READ: 13 Mexican Sayings that Sound Really Weird When They’re Translated Literally