Latinos will do anything to start the year off right, including sweeping away bad energy with a broom and eating 12 grapes at the stroke of midnight. Your date might think it’s a little weird, but who cares — you wouldn’t want to let a little thing like kissing get in the way of a lucky year?!
You know how *some* folks say there is no magic cure or magic pill you can take to ease life’s worries? They’re just missing out on the opioid for the Latinx masses: Vicks Vaporub (or, as our mamis call it, Vaporú). Just knowing that Vicks exists is a comfort to end all worries in our lives. Growing up Latino means being perpetually fear-mongered into thinking you’ll catch pneumonia if you leave the house without a sweater and doing it anyway because of Vicks.
All those memories of our abuelas and mamas rubbing Vicks on our bruises, mosquito bites and more are made more magical by the song they sang to us while they healed us: “Sana, sana, colita de rana.” Maybe the magic of Vicks is the “Sana, sana.” Who can say? All we know is that combined, it can cure anything. Hence, the idolization of medicine for Latinos:
The Barrio Shop sells this multi-use pillow for just $24.99. Rub Vicks under your nose and fall asleep to the eucalyptus smell that has been proven to help with sleep in children.
2. Vicks also cures all emotional pain. Going through a breakup? Apply Vicks to it and continue to cry into this pillow.
It comes with the pillow inside, but you can take off the case and wash it after a night of crying all over it. Todo bien.
3. Latinos have reliably used Vicks to induce crying for manipulative gain.
Vicks not only cures emotional pain, but it can also help you fake it. Everyone knows that novela stars would rub Vicks under their eyes before a dramatic scene because the fumes are so intense, it makes your eyes water. Everyone also knows that every Latino child has used the same method to fake a crying spell to get what we want. We’re evil geniuses like that, gracias a Vaporú.
4. We all know that just having Vicks on our person at all times is like the evil eye to injuries.
Making sure you have a tiny tube on hand helps ward off injuries. Plus, we’re ready for any bruise, blunt force trauma or freak accident, thanks to that tiny, pungent tube. Carrying mitú’s Sana Sana pin has the same warding-off properties.
5. Latinos also know not to go afuera during mosquito season without Vicks slathered all over our bodies.
Is it the smell that wards mosquitos away? We don’t know. All we know is if you get bit by a demonic mosquito that is unaffected by the holiness of Vicks, you can just rub Vicks on the bite, too, and it will cure it.
6. We also grew up laughing at expensive acne-clearing brands because Vicks could cure that anyway.
Doctors don’t advise it, but they actually don’t advise using Vicks for anything other than cough suppressant and aching joints. Puesss, what do they know?
7. Latinos grow up to be medical professionals that also swear by Vicks.
Honestly, as a patient, seeing that pin would just bestow approximately 1400 percent more trust in my medical provider. Like, I don’t want to hear about how Vicks is destroying my sense of smell or that I can’t rub it on my throat for a sore throat.
8. Instead of being cranky about a cafecito-withdrawal headache, we make more cafecito and rub Vicks into our temples.
Latinos’ relationship with cafecito is a whole other story. Por cierto, blessing your forehead with the panacea of Vicks cures us of our headaches every time. And yes, we’re better for it.
9. Who needs an expensive podiatrist to cure foot fungus when we have Vicks?
It’s hard to say whether we generally have fungus-free feet or not given that we’re never allowed to walk around barefoot, but the story goes that Vicks will cure toe fungus. The moms all say that the gel “suffocates” the fungus and it dies. Gross, but at least our feet smell great.
10. Vicks has also made Latina moms straight-up superheroes.
Wow. It must be hard for other moms to not Latina-mom levels of confidence, sponsored by Vicks Vaporub. [This post is not sponsored by Vicks Vaporub].
11. Dare we say that Vicks offers, a menos, a placebo effect to our kind?
Doctors have come out warning the Latino community that Vicks can actually worsen sunburns, acne and open, bleeding wounds. All we know is that our people are suffering less with Vicks in our lives, and pinned to our jackets, and that’s got to make us more fun to be around. :’)
If you’re dealing with an influx of requests for booty pics, Monica Escalante has got a solution for you. This savvy Latina uses the app Wit Puzzles to give her prospective beaus what they want, all the while making them work for it.
Modern romance, what even is it? What did old people do in the past? Talk in person about their interests? Well, I haven’t got time for that, I am a well-educated, sophisticated woman; I’ve got “Drake is Dominican” memes to collect for my Master’s thesis. My parents met when they were 13 in the 1600s or whenever, I don’t know. All I know is hip hop wasn’t even invented yet. They’re still together. Love isn’t dead it’s just old. As I like to say, out with the old, in with the new.
Meet this innovative queen.
Monica Escalante is a mere 18 years old and already shifting the paradigm of the modern sext. She and her friends have been using the Wit Puzzles app. The app turns any photo into a sliding puzzle game. You send the game to a friend for them to solve. It sounds fun and innocent, and yet… When a gentlemen caller requested a butt pic, as gentlemen callers do, Escalante decided to turn her derriere into a puzzle. Her mind!
“My friends and I would just send random pics and see who would solve them the fastest and then an idea hit me and I was like wait, he wants a booty pic I’m gonna make him work for it,” she told BuzzFeed News. “So I just decided to send my booty pic as a puzzle.”
Would you want to date a guy who can’t solve a simple puzzle?
Escalante’s tweet went viral with over 56,000 likes. Most importantly, her man friend was able to solve it. Imagine if he couldn’t? How embarrassing that would be for everyone involved. I shudder to think!
“I am pretty sure he liked it, he solved it super fast, in less than 5 minutes with 34 moves,” she said.
This isn’t a lifestyle it’s a movement.
Whenever anyone has a good idea, it is bound to be imitated by others. The slide puzzle booty shot isn’t a lifestyle, it’s a movement. This is the next frontier of sexting. Don’t just give these dweebs your precious nudes, test them. How can we incorporate the Pythagorean Theorem? Yo, my guy, you have to know how to solve for X if you want to access my catalog of nudes.
Unfortunately, others tried this technique and, naturally, some men were too “limited” to understand the proposition.
Men were disarmed by this new collective bargaining chip. Great, that’s the whole point. Some felt this was a technique reserved for the elderly. That just seems like further proof this is a wise choice.
“Damn I got to solve puzzles to get nudes nowadays. How old are we, 77?” One person responded.
Another person praised the genius of the booty pic sender, as one should.
I mean this is a legit creative way to answer those damn requests Requests for nudes that guys always be slipping in them DMs and texts.
Thank this humble queen.
Escalante isn’t asking for monuments to be erected in her image as she should. Instead, she is a mere humble goddess who is satisfied with people liking her idea.
“The reaction from Twitter has been amazing, people love it and I’ve been getting DMs from girls and guys doing it,” said Escalante. “I’m glad they’re having fun with it.”
When I think of making men solve puzzles to earn intimacy, I think of the eternal words from one of history’s greatest masters of the English language. “We found love in a hopeless place” — Rihanna. Yes, but we still found it.
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