No matter how sensibly you eat most of the time, all rules and best intentions go out the door when it comes to drunk food. That’s the whole point of drunk food, right? It’s got to be salty, greasy, heavy and delicious enough to absorb all that, uh, liquid courage you imbibed while psyching yourself up to talk to your crush at the party. So here’s the best drunk food Latinos have perfected, RANKED. Because if there’s one thing we at Mitú love more than snacks, it’s drama.
15. A plate of spaghetti con salchichas y ketchú because, after all, you’re DRUNK.
Why it’s awesome: Because you’re drunk. And because nothing goes together quite like fried greasiness and carbs.
Why they’re awesome: I mean. Fries. Need we say more?
And yet… Fries are also just fine plain. Plus, if the “salchi” part of your salchipapa equation isn’t made just right, you’re left with a mound of soggy tube meat on soggy potatoes, and we think you deserve better than that.
13. Just a Plain Ol’ Tortilla Con Sal
Why they’re awesome: A tortilla with sal is a classic you can make at home! That way, you can drunkenly spend too much money on online shopping instead of food.
And yet… It’s just not decadent and greasy enough to be a truly satisfying drunk food. Y’know?
12. Papa Rellena
Why they’re awesome: They’re like next-level mash potatoes, a portable version of a whole meal, and they’re so little and round and cute.
And yet… SOME people like to sneak olives and/or raisins into this situation, and we’re not sure how to feel about it. Also, no mounds of cheese.
11. Danger Dogs
Why they’re awesome: An L.A. institution (which you can also find in other cities, sure) often found outside of nightclubs and music venues, danger dogs are hot dogs wrapped in bacon and topped with all sorts of goodness. They’re salty, greasy, smoky and the perfect food when you’re completely wasted.
And yet… (Diarrhea.)
Why they’re awesome: Like. Cornbread and cheese. How can you not go wrong with grease paired with more grease?
And yet… They’re the watered-down version of traditional arepas. (Which you should eat when sober, so you can appreciate their full glory.) (Also, give me a bite.)
9. Shucos Gautemaltecos
Why they’re awesome: You know how people love to argue about whether a hot dog is a sandwich? Well, it’s not. EXCEPT when it’s in the glorious form of a shuco guatemalteco. With everything on it.
And yet… Try to eat one without having most of it drop onto your lap. We’ll wait. See? Now you’re wearing it.
Why they’re awesome: Easily portable morsels of breaded and fried goodness? WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE???
And yet… Look, chances are, if you’re eating these drunk, you’re gettin’ ’em at the end of the day. Do you know what happens to a croqueta that isn’t fresh? The dreaded “breading separation,” wherein the breaded portion slowly draws away from the center, making for a stale-tasting, less than ideal gastronomic experience.
7. Pão de Queijo
Why they’re awesome: They’re adorable, and they combine the two best things in all the world: Bread. And cheese.
And yet… They’re not as easy to find in the U.S. as we’d like.
6. Buñuelos Colombianos
Why they’re awesome: Same as above.
And yet… SAME AS ABOVE. Seriously, these need to more readily accessible for all our drunk snacking needs.
Why they’re awesome: If you thought there was no way to improve a hamburger, you’ve obviously never met a frita. CHORIZO AND TEENY LITTLE FRIES MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER.
And yet… They’re not so portable that they’re easy to eat 12 of while inebriated, which is an important factor when choosing the perfect drunk food.
Why they’re awesome: Because they’re tacos. Duh. Portable meat and veggies in a warm tortilla, delivered straight to your face. Buy them from from a truck at 3 in the morning, and they’re the perfect drunk food.
And yet… Spillage can be an issue, particularly if your motor skills are impaired after a night of revelry.
Why they’re awesome: They’re like mozzarella sticks, but… Better? They’re enveloped in a dense, buttery goodness that will make you renounce most other cheese-related snack foods for being inferior.
And yet… Um. They might burn you if they’re too hot? Can’t really see any other downside to them.
Why they’re awesome: Because they’re pillows full of goodness, which is extra good when you’re liable to take a lil’ drunk nap.
And yet… ?????????
Why they’re awesome: Because they’re everything you love in a tender little fried pocket, and pockets are cute.
And yet… We’ve been thinking about this for a week now. There is literally no downside to pupusas. We have our winner.
Did we miss your favorite drunk food? Do you disagree with our list and want to yell at us? Do you think we’re drunk food geniuses? Let us know.