Sh*t You Get For Not Speaking Perfect Spanish
No, my Spanish isn’t perfect. Stop giving me so much sh*t for it. NOBODY wants to hear it.
Family reunions are always awkward because only Spanish is spoken and you just sit there like…
“I’m just going to go get more food.”
Mami is always like: “He understands everything you say, he just can’t speak it.”
Is that a compliment?
Your own family questions your Latino-ness.
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“Look, Alby. Just because you lived in Miami and I was in Tallahassee doesn’t mean I am any less Latino, cabrón. How’s that?”
Non-Latino friends be like: “But I thought you were Latino. Why can’t you speak Spanish?”
Me: Did your family keep German after migrating? Yeah. Didn’t think so.
You get this look when you can’t translate every word.
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Friends: How do you say orgasm in Cuban?
Me: I have never had sex in Spanish so I don’t know.
Going to a Mexican restaurant is always awkward.
Waiter: ¿Y tu?
Me: I’ll have the burrrrrrrrrrito, por favor. ?
Mami: ? Where did I fail?
Others say, “There’s nothing wrong with your Spanish. It’s just very proper.”
Seriously, WTF does that statement even mean?
On the flipside, they’ll yell at you for not speaking Spanish because “Tienes el nopal en la frente.”
“Just because my name is Lara María González-Hernández does not mean you can just spew your Spanish all over me.”
When you finally do try speaking Spanish everyone is like…
What do you want from me?! ?
But you know they will all ask you again next week.