Shady Holiday Questions Survival Guide

The holiday season is here and you know what it means: Christmas trees, primos arriving from all over the place, drunk tíos, pernil and completely out-of-line questions from everyone. Because family love knows no boundaries, but you sure do, here is a survival guide to deal with shitty questions this season.

Q: When are you having niños?

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A: We are still happy using condoms. How is your sex life?

Q: ¿Te veo como más gordita?

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A: ¿Te veo como más viejita? Pass the pie.

READ: t’s the Holiday Season which Means Eating Too Much and Cramming Your Massive Latino Family Under One Roof

Q: You still don’t eat meat?

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A: You still passing judgment?

Q: ¿Y el novio?

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A: He sent regards to everyone but you.

Q: Are you still at that job?

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A: Oh no, I won the lotto. I only came to give my nice relatives some dough.

READ: Dinner Time at a Latino Family is Anything But Peaceful

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A: I contemplate how to answer none-of-your-business type questions.

Q: Why don’t you go back to school?

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A: Are you offering to pay for it?

Q: Are you two ever getting married?

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A: I’m hoping to be casted for Bridezillas, so we may just have to wait until next season.

Q: When are you moving back to town?

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A: When are you ever moving out?

Q: Are you seeing anyone these days?

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A: Why, is your son/cousin available?

Q: What do you plan to do with that degree?

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A: Hang it on the family wall, next to your wife of the year plaque.

Q: ¿Qué pasó con ______ (insert ex’s name here)? He was so nice!

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A: I upgraded. I have his number somewhere if you’d like to ring him up.

Q: Is that what you are wearing to the party?

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A: Yeah, your outfit was so inspirational.

Don’t forget to share this survival guide with your with people that deserve it!