“Primer Impacto”is a staple TV program for most Latino families. Your parents were constantly scared by what loco things were happening in the world, but even more so around Halloween time. What if the Chupacabra wanted to suck your blood because you were out trick-or-treating?! Uh, sure Mom. Here are some ways your parents probably tried to get you to stay in on Halloween night when you were a kid. You can thank “Primer Impacto” for that.
Halloween has been and will always be the holiday of the devil.
Notice how no Latino kids are out today because our parents think some devil shit is gonna happen por que Halloween es del dablio ???????? ????
Now, our parents aren’t against all holidays. On the contrary, love going all-out to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior. They just aren’t too excited about celebrating a holiday they feel is associated with evil. No padre, Halloween is more about the candy and costumes, depending on your age.
They always had so many suggestions about what you wore for the big night out.
Like, a nun is cool and all. We definitely respect them. However, you could never be a genie or a cheerleader for Halloween. It was too risque of an outfit. Mom prefer you dressing up for something more along the lines of a nun.
La Llorona was going to come out and get you.
La Llorona is my Halloween aesthetic because I also cry all the time
Of course we all knew that La Llorona was used to keep us in check, somehow we really believed it around Halloween. Maybe it was because our parents were always so sure that she was spotted around that time of year. Literally, any missing child reported on “Primer Impacto” was taken by La Llorona.
El Chupacabra would be lurking in the bushes.
Omg, my grandma is watching Primer Impacto and they just mentioned the chupacabra. I'm time warped into the 90s.
El Chupacabra basically kept “Primer Impacto” in business with its constant story features. That’s just a fact, okay? That show was likely the reason that our parents and abuela were convinced that it was going to come out to get us on All Hallow’s Eve.
You have to go in a group with your primos and hermanos for safety.
Lindo recuerdo de Halloween junto a mis primos hace muchos años. Yo soy el capitán Garfio (ahogado por mi máscara) y mi hermano Peter Pan ???? pic.twitter.com/5DvocrsGf4
Going from house to house with your friends? Fingers crossed your parents were chill and let you do that. However, if they watched María Celeste Arrarás and Myrka Dellanos report on the OMG moments of that day then that was not the case. Instead of friends, you had to round up a group of your primos, tíos and siblings to come be your candy squad.
Your parents thought they were part of the TSA when reviewing your candy bag.
Score! I just found this bag of Halloween candy in the back of a closet. Most likely from 2005, but still in mint condition. I’m ready for you little goblins! ???? pic.twitter.com/FlGk3zh1Od
Speaking of candy, good luck trying to eat even 80 percent of your candy stash. Our parents always worried that the candy would be laced with drugs or had a needle in it. You always had to wait a good half hour for them to examine your candy bag before you could even have your first bite of that Kit Kat bar.
You are going to have cavities after eating all that candy.
Alright, so your parents give you back your stash of candy but hold on for un segundo. Better pick your favorite treats because madre and padre believed eating all that candy would instantly give you 24 cavities by the next day. That means they would take the rest and hide in a way of rationing it out.
Latino parents are the best! They take care of you when you’re sick, love you unconditionally, and will pick up some Jack In The Box whenever you want. But when it comes to staying out late, they can be strict (to say the least). Once you pass your curfew, even if it’s just by a minute, they come at you with the, “te mandas solo,” “eres un vago” or my personal favorite, “vas a ver cuando llegues a la casa.” They are definitely not about that callejero life. Here are 7 things Latino parents do that are all too real.
1. They send you a seemingly innocent text.
When your mom or your dad send you something like, “¿ya casi llegas?”, it’s your cue to bounce. If you don’t, be warned, if their rage hasn’t started brewing, it will.
2. They watch telenovela reruns and enjoy snacks while they wait.
Sure, they might be enjoying Sauced & Loaded Fries from Jack In The Box while watching their fave novela, but don’t think for a second that they’re too busy to watch the door attentively.
Because they WILL wait for you to get home. As.???????? Long. ???????? As. ???????? It. ???????? Takes.
3. If you’re still not home, they call you a million times. No. Joke.
I mean, there’s only so much novela drama they can take before they start to crave it. It’s like, the drama takes over their body. And it usually goes down something like this:
They call you once. You don’t answer.
They call you twice… You still don’t answer.
That’s when things get cray, their sass comes out…
…and they get extra.
4. They send the warning text.
If you still don’t answer…they start getting ready! First, they send you a warning text.
Trust me, once you get this text, there’s no going back–you won’t hear the end of it!
Then, they gather their army of minions.
5. They practice the speech.
Oh you thought the regañada was just improvised? Nope, your parents have been finessing their speech for years! Why do you think it’s so perfect?
When you do get home, they start off with the full-blown works: “¿qué son estas horas de llegar?”, “¿dónde andabas?”, “¿con quién andabas?”. Then they remind you of the house rules, layer on the guilt, add a whole lot of drama, and just in case, they top it off with an extra serving of guilt. Finally, they end with the biggest philosophical question of the century…
6. They wait up for you…in the most terrifying way. ????
You walk up to your front door, everything seems chill: the lights are off, you don’t hear a sound, and the entire house is very still. You think to yourself, “chingón, they’re asleep!” But, is it too good to be true? Is there such a thing as too quiet? Just when you were about to do your silent victory dance, you see a shadow…it’s your mom looking straight at you with a piercing look.
7. You know what comes next…
Sorry my friend, that was just the beginning–the calm before the storm. I won’t get into the deets of what comes next because things get messy and I’m not about that life. But if you must know, here’s a preview…
La regañada is an intricate and complex process that can take hours, and since you’re already late, you may as well stop at Jack In The Box and load up on Sauced & Loaded Fries!
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