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Here’s How Telenovelas Lied To Us About Men, Sex, And Basically Everything

It’s not the way they make it seem. 

The sheets are always perfectly tangled and show just enough.

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Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Like where are those curtains hanging from? Where is the wind coming from? And what is he doing upside down? The bed you lay on is always a hot mess with heavy blankets and pillows thrown everywhere. You hardly have any space to lay.

Men never know how to unstrap a bra like this.

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Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Ugh, just let me do it.

No woman would let a man do this.

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Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

I spent too much money on my shirt.

You don’t finish with perfect hair.

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Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

And if you did, he didn’t do it right.

Or perfect makeup.

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Credit: Telemundo / hotnovelas / Tumblr

If you did, girl, quit that.

The boom boom room never looks like this:

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Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Where did those candles come from?

The girl always comes.

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Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Big. Fat. Lie.

The guy never finishes first ?.

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Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Another lie. Which also never prepared us for the awkward and ugly faces guys make.

It’s always nice and slow on TV.

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Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Why didn’t they warn us about those weirdos that think f*cking like a jackrabbit is sexy?

Speaking of sexy, sex on the beach is anything but.

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Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Ten days later and you’re still finding sand in places it doesn’t belong.

What about all the other awkward moments?

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Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

This never goes as planned.

At what point do they put condoms on?

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Credit: Telemundo / hotnovelas / Tumblr

Are telenovelas low-key condoning unprotected sex? He doesn’t even pull out.

One last observation: If he has that big of muscles chances are, he has a small steroid-sized peen.

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Credit: hotnovelas / Tumblr

Just sayin.

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All Of Your Favorites Telenovelas Are Coming Back With NBC Universo’s ‘Retro Jueves’

Entertainment

All Of Your Favorites Telenovelas Are Coming Back With NBC Universo’s ‘Retro Jueves’

Telemundo

So many us are already glued to our screen right now, binge watching far too much television, if you ask me. But – and it’s a very valid but – a throwback series consisting of our favorite and iconic Latino television shows would be a very valid excuse to continue racking up that screen time.

And guess what? NBC’s Universo is delivering exactly that with the launch of their new prime time lineup called ‘Retro Jueves.’ Consider it a chance to rewatch some of your favorite TV shows and realize just how fast time passes.

‘Retro Jueves’ will be full of iconic Latino TV shows – bringing us some much-needed content during this quarantine.

With the slogan “Remembering is Living” – so true! – Universo is launching “Retro Thursdays”, a new programming block that will be broadcast every Thursday in prime time from April 30 (that’s tonight!) at 7 p.m. ET.

The new programming block will bring back some of the most iconic U.S. Spanish-language TV programs from the early 2000s and let us remember the good ol’ days as we get a chance to look back at the beginnings of some of our favorite TV celebs.

Consider this a golden opportunity to revisit some of these classic shows that so many of us grew up watching as kids. Or, if you’re in quarantine with your mamá or tías – get them in front of that TV with you for a trip down memory lane.

Some of the classics I’ll be watching include, Caso Cerrado.

Few shows are as iconic and over-the-top genius as Caso Cerrado. The super dramatic court TV program is hosted by the beloved Dr. Ana María Polo and includes some seriously scene-stealing guests.

Though the show has come under fire for allegedly creating fake court cases – I don’t care. It’s great entertainment.

Caso Cerrado will kick off the programming with some of it’s very first episodes at 7pm ET.

Then it’s on to Protagonistas de Novela 2.

Protagonistas de Novela 2 follows at 9 p.m./8 p.m. central. This 2003 reality show guaranteed the winner a spot in a future telenovela, and this particular season became crucial for current stars like William Levy and Ximena Duque. Relive the drama and excitement that divided a nation: were you team Erick Elías or Alfredo de Quesada? Maybe your opinion will change if you rewatch it, or maybe it’ll remain unchanged.

Then things get hot at steamy with episodes from the super intense show, Decisiones.

At 10 p.m./9 p.m. central, we’ll dive into the true stories of people thrust into amorous adventures and pushed to their breaking points. Decisiones brings steamy melodramas about passion and sex in the modern world of 2005, featuring unique standalone stories in each episode.

Then it’s way back to Dr. Ana María Polo’s OG days with her original court program – Sala de Parejas.

This was the very court program that quickly had Dr. Ana María Polo stealing the hearts of viewers. The show centers on marital problems – which made for some seriously great TV. The success of Sala de Parejas enabled Dr. Ana María Polo to take the idea further and launch Caso Cerrado, where she was able to show other disputes not related to relationships.

With such a promising lineup of classic, iconic TV shows – I now have my Thursday night plans and I’m beyond excited.

Latinas Shared Their Best Bits Of Marriage Advice And The Comment Section Got REAL

Fierce

Latinas Shared Their Best Bits Of Marriage Advice And The Comment Section Got REAL

Pinterest

Recently, a FIERCE reader posed a pretty poignant question on Twitter: “If you could give me advice on marriage, what would it be?”

Married folks and mujeres that were once married offered up their best bits of advice! Check them out below!

View marriage as a bonus not the piece to a missing puzzle.

My advice: don’t do it!! JUST KIDDING. my mom says, view marriage as an additional bonus to your life not as a completion . You’re an amazing complete woman on your own.” –pelucaazul

Beware the red flags.

“As someone going through a divorce: make a list of all the red flags (small and big) and play each one out and truly determine if any are problematic. The small red flags now always come back up later. Some can be worked on, some can be communicated through , but some are a sign of unsettled trauma/machismo/addictions/narcissism etc.”- _ashlyndarling

Keep up the dating game.

“Never stop dating each other!”-mariaelena34

If you’re getting advice about your life, get it from the right people.

“Its between you two!!! . Dont try to fit your relationship into stereotypical molds… what works for you may not be what other ppl say! Also, dont bad talk your boo even if you’re mad and frustrated. What you feed, grows. And always remember to flirt with your husband lik y’all still dating. And, if you turn to someone for advice, make sure they understand healthy marriages. Soooooo many ppl in the world giving advice but dont have a healthy successful marrige…. be open wi th your boo, be honest, nd hve fun! Best wishes&blessings – AH.”-autumnhype

Don’t compare yourself. It’s not a tit for tat game.

“Never compare yourself to other marriages or your parent’s marriage. Your marriage is whatever you want it to be and cultivate together, this is completely up to you and your spouse. This is the most freeing thing I have ever heard and made me appreciate my marriage more!”-cathrinemolstad

Don’t put up with behaviors or treatments within marriage that your instincts are telling you are wrong.

“Married 20 years and my best advice is to trust your instincts. In my marriage what has worked is respecting my partner and expecting that same level of respect, that reciprocity goes for kindness, compassion, patience, and forgiveness too. But, ultimately, this is big, don’t marry someone if your instincts are telling you it’s wrong, don’t put up with behaviors or treatments within marriage that your instincts are telling you are wrong, and don’t stay if those same instincts are telling you it’s wrong. You know you, what you want, need, can and can’t handle. That’s the voice to defer to – not your friends, society, or family. The union should bring you and the other person great personal growth. I realize that all sounds like a high bar and it is. People get and stay married, settling for far less than they should, because there is (or they perceive) external pressures to do so. Resist this. Marriage is not for everyone and not every partner is a commit your life partner. Finally, though, it’s 2020. Marriage isn’t irreversible. If it’s not working, that’s okay and don’t take it as a failure, but an awareness of your worth and growth.”-sheexistshere

Grow with each other.

“Grow with each other. Ive been with mine for 8 years (married 2). We started dating at 16 and 19, and man have times changed. If we didn’t make mistakes, keep each other accountable, help each other figure out what we each wanted to do, we won’t be together after all this time.” –danielaherreranyc

Communication is key

“Always communicate even if it sounds like something silly and always find time for each other no matter how busy your day can be.”-lauraelnasser