How Telenovelas Lied to Us About Sex
It’s not the way they make it seem.
The sheets are always perfectly tangled and show just enough.
Like where are those curtains hanging from? Where is the wind coming from? And what is he doing upside down? The bed you lay on is always a hot mess with heavy blankets and pillows thrown everywhere. You hardly have any space to lay.
Men never know how to unstrap a bra like this.
Ugh, just let me do it.
No woman would let a man do this.
I spent too much money on my shirt.
You don’t finish with perfect hair.
And if you did, he didn’t do it right.
Or perfect makeup.
If you did, girl, quit that.
The boom boom room never looks like this:
Where did those candles come from?
The girl always comes.
Big. Fat. Lie.
The guy never finishes first ?.
Another lie. Which also never prepared us for the awkward and ugly faces guys make.
It’s always nice and slow on TV.
Why didn’t they warn us about those weirdos that think f*cking like a jackrabbit is sexy?
Speaking of sexy, sex on the beach is anything but.
Ten days later and you’re still finding sand in places it doesn’t belong.
What about all the other awkward moments?
This never goes as planned.
At what point do they put condoms on?
Are telenovelas low-key condoning unprotected sex? He doesn’t even pull out.
One last observation: If he has that big of muscles chances are, he has a small steroid-sized peen.