Latino parents can get all kinds of paranoid on Halloween, qué no? They act like you’re risking your life because of alllllllll the Halloween candy “dangers.” They’re all up in your face warning you about what can happen to you and their reasons are absurd, like:
All cookies are laced with drugs.
Beware of any “baked” goods because they will literally get you baked since they must have marijuana, acid or quien sabe qué kind of droga in them.
You’re going to suffocate.
Well, sure, if you stick your head inside your bag and never come out of it there is the danger of suffocation.
Your teeth are going to fall out.
One night of excessive candy eating and you are going to wake up with no dientes. Go aheadm just ask your abuela because that’s how she lost all her teeth. Yeah, right I’d love to have seen my abuela dressed as a slutty zombie collecting candy.
Beware of razors in apples.
First of all, no one gives out apples for Halloween unless they are total party poopers. And if they did, like you would eat them instead of candy? Puh-leaze!?
You’re gonna get chorrillo.
All that gringo candy is going to give you diarrhea. Maybe, but it’s not like too much tamarindo with chile doesn’t do the same thing.
No good can come of celebrating Satan.
Credit: The Simpsons/Fox/weheartit.com
Your Halloween stash is pretty much a goodie bag from Satan’s birthday party according to your parents, even though you keep explaining to them that Halloween is NOT el diablo’s cumple.
Those candies might be old.
This one doesn’t even make sense. Do candies even expire? And since when do your parents care about expiration dates?
Your candy might be embrujado.
Apparently your parents think it’s totally possible that someone did some brujeria on your candy. Makes sense because it’s wicked good.
Watch out for needles!
It’s not enough that they freak you out about possible razors in apples being handed out by psychopathic health nuts, you also have to worry about random needles getting stuck in your arms when you reach into your bag.
You don’t know what’s in that polvo.
Actually, you do know. That Pixy Stix polvo is a sugar high waiting to happen and you’re totally OK with that.
Beware the “Primer Impacto” effect.
Don’t let your parents watch Primer Impacto before you go tricotri because OMAIGA that show is all kinds of nonsense and freak-outery and your parents believe ALL of it.