El Día de los Reyes Is the Most Painful and Potentially Dangerous Religious Holiday

…Not to mention, it’s like a secondary sad Christmas.

The night before, we’d lay out our shoes waiting for gifts from the Three Kings.

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Little girls went to bed dreaming of gifts like these…

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Because if baby Jesus got GOLD, frankincense and myrrh, why couldn’t we get hooked up with a $10 doll? Plus, this was our second chance to get the gifts we really wanted. You know, the ones our parents didn’t get us for Christmas ?.

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Instead, most of us got things like this…


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Or peanuts and oranges. True story.

Then… There’s the rosca tradition.


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It’s like a work of art.

Yeah, it’s SUPER pretty Mexican sweet bread, but…


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We have a few issues.

This always forced us to hold our new year’s resolution six days after it’s original launch date.

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Because we just have to participate in this holy holiday.

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And everyone is trying to avoid getting that tiny doll in their slice of bread.

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Because you know that means you have to make tamales on February 2nd for all your comadres… and their comadres… and their comadre’s comadres… Qué hueva.

It was always the worst feeling when you found this…


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Seriously, FML.

Also, participating in the rosca game is a complete health hazard. How is this FDA approved?

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Danger: you may choke, break a tooth, suffocate and / or end up with a Jesus Junior in your womb.

Next year, I’m trying a safer rosca option.

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Tag your friends who owes you that rosca dinner and don’t forget to click the share button below!

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