So often we hear the words “never settle” from our own mamas and father. Never settle. Not on our dreams and hopes, not on our hearts’ most desires. And while, oftentimes, settling isn’t an option for those without certain privileges a recent post on Reddit is highlighting what happens when you DO settle in love. When you settle for someone who isn’t The One.
Like Mary Fiore almost did for Massimo in The Wedding Planner, these women settled on love.
Check out their feelings on it, below.
“Finally ended it just under three years ago, after a decade of on and off. Now living a happy life with someone, who is definitely the one.”- messyaurora
“Similar situation. Spent many years in a meh relationship, on and off. Finally ended it and now I am very much in love in a healthy relationship. Ladies, don’t settle! On the long run is better to change.”- Messageinabottle17
“Decently well. We have some communication issues to work on (as well as emotional maturity on my partner’s side), but otherwise it’s functional and I’m mostly happy.”-GoddessOfPlants
“I’m kinda in your camp. I don’t know if I really fit in this question. Let’s just say… I had doubts. Serious ones. But I also thought he had strong potential to be a really great dude for me and I knew I loved him so I married him 6 months after we met.
3 years in we’re still going strong. We started a business together, got two dogs, went through infertility together, moved into a new house that were in the process of turning into our dream home. He’s really worked on fixing the parts I had doubts about, and we’ve really worked on our communication. I also work on not being so demanding and being better about my admittedly short temper. We still have struggles from time to time but every month gets easier.
He’s kinda like Captain America. He isn’t a perfect husband but he’s a good man, and that makes him work to be the perfect husband and as long as he’s putting in the effort (and I am too!) we’ll make it.”- frostysbox
“I kinda relate. I love my significant other and I know he loves me but we clash and see life in two different ways. He is more down to earth and stays to himself while I may be more likely to be caught in a spontaneous adventure. We do go well together though and coexist well. Sex is far and in between but I have adapted to that. We do show random appreciations, or obviously celebrate birthdays and milestones together but Sometimes we seem more like roommates than lovers- but it isn’t a bad thing. Being friends with your significant other over romantic isn’t the worst thing on the world is it?”-idk_about_this_J
“I will be amicably divorced and officially single on 4/19/21. It’s insane to think I’ll be single again after 13 years. I’ve been living alone for the last year and once I get my second dose in a week or two I will be back on the dating scene (that is scary!)
“Same. I thought my ex-husband was a good person. Turns out he wasn’t. I was finally able to get away 9 years ago. Soon after realizing that I deserve better I did meet someone who I knew I was meant to be with and we have been happy ever since.”-princessducky11
“Same. I never thought he was “the one,” but I would have stayed with him till death do us part had he remained a good, kind, caring person. I think my “one” was an ex from a while back, but I was unwell and he had a drinking problem. Perhaps I will meet another one in the future or perhaps I will find a man who stays good.”- DeSterrennacht
“This is what I’m trying to do. We have a cat that I absolutely adore and mostly care for and I’m terrified that I might have to leave her with him, which is honestly one of the main reasons I haven’t been able to move forward with this.”-Selthien
“It became clear after 8 months in that he never wanted a relationship, just a girlfriend as a sign of successful “adulting” and to not show up at family functions alone anymore. All the time, I was completely committed to the relationship even though I knew he wasn’t the one from the get-go.
My saving grace was that I found my dream job roughly 2 hours away from where we lived (we lived in the same town, just not together). I was eager to move away and finally pull the plug. I still would have broken up with him anyway, but I was glad to be moving far (enough) away.
Two weeks before I officially ended it, he told me that if one of his friends was dating someone like me, he would tell him to run and never look back. So I quoted this in the breakup and asked him what exactly he thought would happen? If he felt that I would want to stay after being told something like this? He said, and I kid you not, that he thought that by saying this to me that I would try to be a better girlfriend
Edit: he was otherwise a decent guy, but he wasn’t honest with himself. He does not want to make the effort to build and maintain a relationship. My interactions with his family especially made me realise that there was some pressure or expectation for him to be in a relationship and have children. But I never got the idea that this was what he wanted for himself.”- Watto_007
“My dad married my mom for the same reason – he was insecure and just wanted to show off to the world that he could “score” a smart and beautiful woman. After they got married and had three kids together, my dad became increasingly controlling and abusive until my parents got divorced 15 years later. The deadbolt on my mom’s bedroom door is still there today and reminds me of the terrifying nights when he’d pick the lock and beat and rape her in her room. You dodged a huge bullet, friend. I’m glad you saw the red flags early enough.”- TheYellowBuhnana
“Don’t get me wrong, my SO and I definitely make fun of each other, but we would never make fun of each other for being a bad partner. That’s a serious disrespect and boundary issue, I’m glad you got out and found someone hopefully who treats you the respect.”-alilminizen
“Fairly well, ups and downs for six years now. He works long hours and I love spending time on my own! It’s harder when we have his kids as I have no desire to be a mother, but I’m better at organizing than him, so take on a child minder role anyway. Hoping for the world to open up soon, as one of the things we enjoy is a romantic get-away. I love him, but I’m not in love with him. But that’s enough for me, as he is one of three men I have ever been interested in. I don’t(and have never) get crushes. I think I’m a bit asexual. Oh and even greater now as we found a rental house instead of a flat and I have gotten cats!!!”-SunshinePipper
“Married for 28 years! We have had our ups and downs, but to be honest he was the one, I just didn’t know it at the time. Sometimes “the one” is an ideal based on youthful priorities, but with maturity, you realize some of those qualities aren’t as important anymore. My husband is my best friend, but whether you marry “the one” or someone else, a good relationship requires hard work and give and take. We have been through many events together, and we grew closer as a result. We are a team!”- LoopyLadyCA
“Something my therapist said to me a while ago completely changed my perspective on my current partnership: “usually what makes a relationship exciting and dramatic is not what makes a good long term partner, those are the tradeoffs.” A lightbulb went off in my head, and that put to rest so many of the lingering demons I had about whether my partner and I were good matches for each other.. or if he was my “one.” Now that I’ve let those obsessions go, our relationship is so much better. I’m so, so happy.”-wabisabister
“I don’t like the idea of “the one”. When I met my ex, our eyes literally met across a crowded room, it felt like he had a spotlight on him, and the world stopped still and moved at the same time. I knew I had met “the one” I was going to marry.
Turns out my gut feeling is a pretty bad judge. We lasted a couple years, mostly because I was so hung up on not losing the one. He isn’t even a bad dude, just not somebody with my life goals, my sense of humor or anything that would be compatible with me.
When I met my fiancé in grad school I didn’t even notice him until we had to do a project together. Now I couldn’t wish for a better partner, I’m so much in love with him and so excited to go through life together.”- AlternativeCover3379
“It went bad. Staying in a relationship like that for me felt like giving up a piece of me. It’s mature to compromise yes, but do it for the rights reasons with the right person for you. If your truth is to feel safe, if that’s the most important always, then go for it. I personally felt a void, something missing..I felt ultimately lonely and we broke up.”- tinaple
“Hmm to offer a different perspective — my partner (of a little over a year) recently told me that he doesn’t feel intensely in love with me/sexually infatuated with me, and hasn’t since after about a month into the relationship (which is when we began cohabitation, thanks covid). But he does love me, very much, and of that I have absolutely no doubt.
We are definitely best friends, have no shortage of emotional and intellectual intimacy, go on countless adventures together. We both really think our partnership is awesome and want to build lives together. Which means we are having a lot of tricky conversations about what this (intense romantic/sexual attraction imbalance) means for us.
Practically, we are monogamous (each has gone on a date or two since meeting) but are more philosophically aligned with ethical nonmonogamy.
This has spurred on a lot of conversations about “the one”. For people struggling with this, I really recommend the book “Designer Relationships”. Even if you’re monogamous, it’s a hugely helpful book (& short! Like 120 pages) for reflecting on your various relationships.
A takeaway is that the invention of the romantic ideal as our life partner is a fairly new one, like as recent as the last century. Prior to this, marriage and life partnership was often based around a “shared goal or project” and romantic fulfillment was sought beyond the relationship (helloooo affairs).
There’s another really good book on the conflict between the domestic and the erotic, called “Mating in Captivity” and it proposes that often times familiarity can cause difficulties in erotic spaces in the relationship and that maintaining a strong sense of independence allows you to maintain erotic energy.
Anyhow, we are both in therapy but have a lot of working theories about the imbalance. Part of it is due to me being attracted to what I can’t have (I could always tell he was a little less sexually thrilled by me, we’ve had some difficulty where he wants sex every couple weeks and I could go every other day, it’s not due to a low libido on his part hahah), part of it is the guilt he put on himself for not being “as in love with me”, part of it is that we spent every freaking minute together since this pandemic started and while familiarity and platonic love breeds sexual desire in me, he likes distance in his erotic relationships.
But honestly, I’ve never grown so much from a relationship. We continue to amaze each other with our ability to navigate this. I’ve cried a good bit, because yeah, it hurts, but our conversations always end with each of us feeling more emotionally intimate and empathized with.
Seeing all of these comments, I’m really wary of people believing they need to find “the one”. No relationship is perfect and takes absolutely no work, and oftentimes, you can cultivate a relationship that is fulfilling and adds a richness to life for both parties. The expectations we put on finding a life partner are honestly ridiculous and downright damaging.”-toomanyblankspaces
“I was convinced the one was going to give me butterflies and be overwhelmed by my presence, when I met my current partner none of those things were true. I kept questioning it being like somethings wrong I don’t know if he’s the one. We’ve been together for a while and I’m glad I didn’t listen to those shreds out doubt. Butterflies are overrated, my partner shows up for me everyday and we have built a really strong and solid foundation. He isn’t overwhelmed by my presence, and turns out it’s a good thing. He pushes me to be a better person everyday and is willing to push himself to be better too. He’s completely changed my understanding of what love is and is supposed to be. I never grew up with a good role model and took my understanding of love from mass media. Turns out that mass media love isn’t real for a reason. I’m incredibly happy with my partner now even though there were times in the beginning where I really thought he wasn’t the one. I’m not saying stick with people you aren’t right for, but that definitions of love change as you get older. And passionate flame sparking loves with no foundation don’t last for a reason.”- killerwheelie
“You are so right with the statement it’s “easy after every issue to think I knew I never should have stayed with him”. There’s something in our brains I think as humans that really makes us goto to that negative area ABOUT US. Like, your husband does something to hurt the relationship intentionally, or unintentionally, and your first thought is to be mad at yourself because you didn’t leave X amount of time ago? Why do our brains do that?!
This is something that my husband pointed out to me was a really unhealthy way that I think. Its not only hurting the relationship because it if we voice that, it seems like we’re always one foot out the door…. but it’s beating me up AND letting him off the hook for any responsibility in the matter, when it should be us against the issue.
It’s been a struggle to recondition my brain to stop thinking like that, and I’ll admit I still struggle especially during big issues (we struggle from libido mismatch as well! I’m so sorry and feel your pain!!) but I’ve got to tell you, working on that has been one of the single biggest improvements on my side for my self worth, our relationship, and well being.”-frostysbox
Gender-based violence is a global problem, and, in many ways, new media and technology have provided new paths for perpetrators. From social media to GPS tracking, abusers have used technology to monitor, harass, threaten, intimidate and stalk victims, and this online violence against women and girls is rising around the world. But efforts are also being made to use emerging technological tools to respond to the pandemic of gender-based violence, most commonly by providing information and services to survivors.
In the U.S., Latin America and beyond, innovators have been working with trained professionals, like social workers, psychologists and legal experts, to design mobile applications and products to help women and girls escape abusive relationships, notify loved ones if they feel unsafe and help them reclaim their lives after violence.
Below, find some tech startups operating in the U.S. and Latin America that aim to reduce violence against women and help survivors lead safe and healthy lives.
According to the United Nations, a woman is abused in Brazil every 15 seconds, making it one of the most dangerous countries for women and girls in the world. In 2016, Gabriela Corrêa was harassed by a driver while using a taxi-hailing app in São Paulo. Upon dropping the young woman off at her destination, the driver told her, “I will wait for you outside, because you will be drunk later and I will take advantage of you.” Terrified by the experience, and the stories of other women who had encountered intimidation and violence while using public transportation, Corrêa was inspired to create LadyDriver, a Brazilian car-hailing app that only accepts women passengers and hires women drivers. With tens of thousands of drivers and hundreds of thousands of downloads in São Paulo, the app has been welcomed among women in the city. It has also inspired another similar all-women service in Brazil, FemiTaxi.
Across Latin America, similar women-only taxi services exist, including LauDrive in Mexico, She Taxi in Argentina and She Drives Us in Chile. In the U.S, ride-hailing apps like SheRides (available in New York) and Safr (operating in Orlando) are also popping up, and they’re centering vulnerable populations. For example, while Safr has temporarily stopped providing rides and deliveries amid the Covid-19 pandemic, it is still offering its services to battered and abused women through partner institutions.
2. Háblame de Respeto
In El Salvador, femicide, the murder of a woman because of her gender, occurs about once every 24 hours. In 2017, a national study found that 67% of women have suffered some form of violence, like sexual assault or family abuse, in her lifetime. Violence is so prevalent that the Central American country is the only nation in the world to have a law against “femicide suicide,” the crime of driving a woman to suicide because of abuse. With up-to-date government data around the problem of gender-based violence in El Salvador hard to come by, a group of journalists looking for responsible management of this information took the matter into their own hands in 2014 when they created Háblame de Respeto. Using data journalism and storytelling, the group of reporters, under the Latitudes Foundation, created a portal and platform to study violence against women in El Salvador and make the information accessible to everyday people in the country.
Intimate partner violence is a public health crisis in the United States. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, nearly 20 people are physically abused by a partner every minute. Data shows that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience some form of intimate partner violence during their lifetime. One of the biggest reasons women stay in abusive relationships is because of financial dependence. In fact, when survivors leave their violent partner, they often have little to no cash, credit cards or bank accounts in their name. Learning about this financial abuse and instability, Sonya Passi created FreeForm, a startup that financially empowers survivors by helping them get compensation for their most pressing needs, like medical bills and property costs, and teaching them money and entrepreneurial tools to obtain financial independence.
4. No Estoy Sola
Ciudad Juárez, a city in northern Mexico, has long been called “the capital of murdered women.” From 1993 to 2005, more than 370 women were killed in the border town. An app called No Estoy Sola is hoping to protect the vulnerable population. The application, which acts as a panic button, can be downloaded on mobile devices. Whenever someone feels unsafe, they can shake their phones or click on a button that will alert their emergency contacts, which they set up ahead of time, with a message saying they are in danger along with their location. The same message is sent out to the contact every five to 10 minutes until the user deactivates it.
5. Não Me Calo
Back in Brazil, another app, Não Me Calo (I Will Not Shut Up), is encouraging women and girls to use their voices in order to keep others safe. The mobile app, which was created by Brazilian girls and won the Global Fund for Women’s International Girls Hackathon, ranks how safe users feel in certain establishments. Its primary goal is to warn women to avoid certain clubs, restaurants or businesses where they experienced harassment, intimidation or violence. However, the founders also hope that a bad ranking on the Yelp-like app can motivate business owners to take steps to alleviate the problem.
Like the No Estoy Sola mobile app in Ciudad Juárez, Revolver is essentially a panic button. However, this U.S.-founded gadget doesn’t require a cellphone. An oval-shaped clicker, Revolar can attach to a set of keys or can clip onto jeans or undergarments. The two-setting device sends out an alert to designated contacts when the user feels unsafe. A yellow alert, for instance, will send a message to their contacts with their location and a note expressing concern. A red alert, however, will indicate that the user needs serious and immediate help. The app was created by Colombian-American Andrea Perdomo, whose grandmother was kidnapped in the South American country, and Jacqueline Ros, whose sister was assaulted twice.
While Paladin wasn’t created to serve survivors of gender-based violence, the startup is helping women in major ways. A justice tech company, Paladin is a portal that brings together legal teams looking to run more efficient pro bono programs with hotlines and organizations that help vulnerable communities gain legal representation and support. According to co-founder and COO Kristen Sonday, who’s part-Puerto Rican, the portal has been particularly helpful to communities amid the Covid-19 pandemic, especially for domestic violence survivors who were forced to isolate with abusers.
Like Paladin, Mediconfia wasn’t created with the objective of helping survivors of gender-based violence; however, the digital platform, which connects individuals in Colombian cities like Cali, Medellín and Bogotá with gynecologists and allows them to rate their experience, has proven beneficial to women who have experienced sexual abuse or intimate partner violence and need a trustworthy health professional to confide in.
9. Vantage Point
While Vantage Point doesn’t directly help survivors, it does provide a solution to workplace harassment. According to the Pew Research Center, 69% of women have been sexually harassed in a professional setting. However, about 72% of survivors never report the harassment. Vantage Point is a sexual harassment training solution for corporations that uses virtual reality to educate employees on the identification of sexual harassment, bystander intervention and response training. For example, using photo-realistic characters, it immerses trainees in experiences where their personal space is being invaded or they are talked to or gazed at aggressively. The startup, founded by Morgan Mercer, a biracial woman of color who experienced and witnessed racial microaggressions, also uses emerging technology to communicate the nuances of diversity, equity and inclusion.