Church was the worst for me as a child, so I did everything I could so that mami would change her mind about bringing me. Eventually, she did. But not before I left my mark on the congregation with the following sins.
1. Lit every single prayer candle. All of them.
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It’s so tempting. I couldn’t help it.
2. I snapped the pew “hat clips” as loudly as I could.
I’d snap these bad boys back like a gun trigger, and the sound would be just as loud. BANG! Right as we were entering quiet prayer, basically to protest having had to go at all.
3. Lifting, dropping, standing, sitting and then balancing on church pew kneelers.
You saw a place to kneel and pray. I saw a balance beam to practice for the Olympics.
4. Playing with the Holy Water.
Using a water gun would have been the best way. Too bad I didn’t think of it. Either way, I would splash and mess with Holy Water. Mostly flicking it at other kids from my dripping finger tips.
5. Giggling, coughing, burping and sneezing louder than I had to.
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It really didn’t matter which sounds I made, as long as I was disturbing everyone with my boredom.
6. Left no donations whatsoever.
Even though I had no money to give it was still “Bye, donation plate! DAB!”
7. I would never sit still.
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As long as I was forced to be there, the church was going to be my playground. I ran, jumped and climbed.
8. I played rough with the other kids.
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Some of the other boys were as bored as I was. We needed to spice things up. A little rumble got the juices flowing.
9. And when all else failed, I slept.
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There’s no way to know if I snored on command or not, but I sure hope I did, because I was trying to.
Eventually, mami wised up and stopped bringing me. I’m sure she and the congregation got back to enjoying themselves.
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And I got back to sleeping in late. ???