As a Brooklyn native, and a Puerto Rican of the “shout ‘Boricua!’ until hoarse” variety, moving to Los Angeles to begin as an editor at mitú has raised all the red flags for my grandmother. I just turned 30 and she still reminds me to zip my coat, wear a helmet when I cycle, and to never ever go out in the cold after a hot shower. To say she’s concerned about my move doesn’t even cut it. This is what she’s freaking out about…
1. “El tiempo siempre está cambiando, te vas a enfermar en California. Ponte Vaporú.”
“But mami, vapor rub burns my eyes!” – I’m clearly very mature about my grandma’s advice.
2. “Cuidado, las calles están tragándose la gente.”
Cali, help me out, fam. Your streets are literally eating cars. Grandma thinks I’m going to end up an asphalt snack.
3. “Sometimes, no water y drought. Sometimes too much water y you drown.”
Definitely looks safer than some areas in NYC.
3. “¡Que bochorno! Allí tu quiere vivir? ¿Nene, por qué no usan Drano?”
Ma, overflowing dams are a little more complicated than plunging a big deuce.
4. “¿Tu va vivir cerca de todo esos fuegos?”
I will be living nowhere near the forest, but to her the entire state is on fire.
5. “El fuego cae del cielo como la lluvia allí. No jueges.”
Just going for a leisurely drive up the the mount… Ah! Oh my God, why! Am I going to regret not listening to mami?
6. “¿Se rompe la tierra como en ‘San Andreas’ allá?”
Surprised she even noticed Earth split open here, grandma loves her some Dwayne.
7. “Y los earthquakes?”
This is just as bad as “Primer Impacto,” which she clearly is already watching too much of.
8. “Nene, where are you going to eat Puerto Rican food? Do they even have Pernil?”
Food is a religious experience in our household. Amen.
9. “What time difference? Don’t be making excuses. ¡Me llamas, malcriado!”
She’s not having no excuses. I’m calling every day. Or else.
10. ¡Ten cuidado! It’s dangerous over there…
Ma… it’s dangerous everywhere. Have you seen who our president is?
11. They don’t have real winters. You’re never coming back are you?
Of course I’ll be come back to visit! Don’t cry – you’re gonna make m– ?