20 Things I Never Want To Hear Come Out Of Your Dang Mouth When I’m On My Period
Unless you want an earful, never ask a “moody” mujer if she’s on her period. While having a period (which is obviously natural and inevitable) and talking about it is less taboo than it used to be, many mujeres would rather you didn’t come at them with all your stupid comments, especially when we have one of those tinny headaches, the kind that makes the sound of your voice set our teeth on edge.
Mi mamá never talked about being on her period.
“Mi mamá never talked about her period. We never even knew she had one.” Well, Vato, your mamá grew up in a different time, and do you really want to compare your bae to your mom today, during this time of the month, or ever? Not only is it bad form, but it’s also downright Freudian. And ese Freud, he was a pendejo too.
Why are you taking your bag to the bathroom?
At school, the last thing a young woman wants to hear, when she’s sure she’s about to have a tampon malfunction, is a teacher questioning her attempt at discretion:
Well, señor, if I don’t bring my mochila, the whole class is going to know I’m on my period, and I’m still a teenager, and I haven’t learned to not feel insecure about all these new things I’m learning about my body, things I’ve have learned to feel shame about, so thanks for putting me on blast. And while we’re asking questions, how long have you been teaching?
What are you on the rag?
We also don’t want to be catcalled and then insulted for by some rando on the street for ignoring his bad manners: “What are you on the fucking rag?
As a matter of fact, cabron, I am on the rag? Do you want to see what that looks like right now? Is that really what you want?
Do you really have to soak your bloody underwear in a bucket in the tub?
Why, yes, I do have to soak my bloody underwear in the tub. Would you rather I do it in the kitchen sink or in a pot on the stove? Mujeres, we all know that the best blast of cold water comes out of the bathtub nozzle, amiright?
Why is there blood on the toilet seat?
Guys piss on toilet seats everywhere they go, everyday, and we get this mierda when we, one time, accidentally leave a drop of blood on the seat. Felicititaciónes, now you get to clean up after me, and preferably quietly, as I have done 99 out of 100 hundred times I had to clean up after you in the bathroom.
You want me to go to the store and buy what?
There are just some days when we can’t get out of bed between the pain and flood. There are just some days we’re going to need your help, so if you ever want to see me again, you’ll get on down to the market and find the feminine hygiene aisle. A qué esperas? Apuraté!
You must still be on your period.
Why is this the go-to comment when women aren’t acting like men think we should act, or when we don’t act the way they want us to, when we have feelings, moods, or opinions?
You’re still hungry?
We don’t like feeling like bottomless pits who can’t seem to feel satisfied no matter what we eat either. None of this means that you should comment on it. And eating what we happen to be craving, often sugar, carbs, and salt just makes us feel worse.
Are you sure you’re not pregnant? You look like you’re pregnant.
If I’m not pregnant, I’m miscarrying your seed. Should I go on, do you really want me to go on, or do you want to shut up right now?
Why are you crying? This movie isn’t even that sad.
And questions like this one are why not having a mother who talked about her period is a problem. If our crying makes you uncomfortable, just pretend you don’t notice. It wouldn’t be the first time.
Are you sure your period is totally over?
Fortunately, people are becoming less afraid of period sex and it can actually be therapeutic, but try telling that to some tipos who could easily do these things: put a towel down, use a condom, try some creative positions, take a shower afterward, masturbate instead.
Sorry, Babe, I ate all the brownies.
WTF? Who raised you so wrong that you ate the last anything without offering to share it. And let us give you a word of advice: calendar. Use a one. Mark the possible days your bae will likely be on her period, and don’t forget to include the PMS days. Now, prepare to do some shopping in advance. Yes, planning for the monthly period takes half the month! Stock up on chocolate, ice cream, all her faves — you call yourself a feminist, orale!
It doesn’t hurt that bad, does it?
When it comes to los cólicos, the period cramps, there are all sorts of things we don’t want to hear. Things like, it doesn’t hurt that bad does it? Since pain tolerance varies for all people, this is also just a very stupid thing to say to anyone.
I never get period cramps.
Well, aren’t you one of the lucky ones. If you’re a good friend you won’t be so insensitive as mention how fortunate you are that you don’t get cramps while your amiga suffers at home in her nightie, unable to get out of bed to make herself lunch.
So what does it feel like?
It seems like some men ask this question because they don’t believe that cramps can be as bad as we say they are. And they seem to always ask just at the wrong time.
Exercise makes the cramps go away, doesn’t it?
Many women have such painful cramps that they can do very little during the first day or two of their regla, and it’s often not just cramps, but all-over body pain, nausea, and blaring headaches. While exercise can help for many women, for those who experience such intense period symptoms, it may not help at all, and during those first days, there may be no product that would make it comfortable to exercise in without staining our clothes, which we’re going to do anyway laying in bed. So do your bae, your amiga, your hermana, your hija, or your mamà a favor, go to the store, get her what she needs, keep her company when she wants watch her favorite movie, or get the hell out of her face when she just wants to be alone.
When your period is over can you …
Can I what? Wash the sheets? Brush my hair? Start cooking again? Go out of the house? Watch what you want to watch on Netflix for the rest of the month? Dame fuerza, Virgen, dame fuerza.
Saying the Right Thing
And in case you want to make things right, here are a couple of things you could say during her regla.
Be more like this dog.
For most women, periods are just a fact of life. They can be a major inconvenience. A simple “I hope your feel better soon,” can go a long way.
Since it your woman time, here’s some chocolate.
We’ll forgive these dudes for not being able to write the word period because this is a super sweet gesture, and they know how to use apostrophes!
Notice any needed corrections? Please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org