2019’s Zodiac Wheel de la Fortuna: Your Financial Future According to Your Sign
El dinero, along with health and love, are three main factors to success, but we all don’t have bank investors or stock managers à la Merrill Lynch to manage our finances. We sometimes have to suffice with la alcancía we bargained at the swap meet for nostalgic reasons, or, of course, safe keep of our billetes in a bank account, but still you need something else. You need celestial guidance to know about your financial future. Look up at the night sky, because your Zodiac sign will reveal how much money you’ll make and hopefully it’s to your heart’s desire.
Yes, tu signo de estrella means more than you know. No need for a Tarot card reader, or your Tía’s witch doctor comadre to help. We will reveal what your Zodiac sign says about how much you’ll make it rain based on the traits of your sign. This is going to be astrologically fantastico! Or, if your sign deems it so, you might end up broke with only a few dollars for a burger, fries and a coke. ¡O, ni pa’ los tacos!
Aries: March 21 – April 19
*Walter Mercado voice* ¡Aries!
Aries are known to be eager, dynamic, quick, and competitive, so jobs that will complement such qualities will make you rico rico rico! Yes, jobs mi rey/reina, because money does not grow on trees or from Papi’s wallet. Forget about a regular 9-to-5, because Aries are all about millennial entrepreneurship. Just keep away from schemes that say you’ll “make money fast.” There’s a certain degree of eagerness that can have repercussions. Don’t be the Aries that makes $2,000/month; be El Aries Chingon who makes $200K+/year! Invest your money in stocks or cryptocurrency, who knows. Tread carefully and always make wise decisions. Inhibit your impulsivity when life and financial decisions come your way.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
There’s something about Taurus that makes them stand out, maybe because they’re strong, dependable, sensual, and creative. Your ideal 9-to-5 is a corporate setting or something physically demanding (i.e. construction). A law firm where you need a lot of strength and dependability might be your way to a bountiful bank account. It’s not easy, but as a dependable and creative being, you garner much respect in whatever field you come to possess. You’re as dependable as your mom’s tamales and ponché every Christmas: you’re there for those that matter the most. This makes you love consistency, which although fine and dandy will hinder you from taking risks, like changing jobs, learning a new skill, or dipping your pata into becoming an entrepreneur. You seal the deal with your sensuality and intelligence. ¡Olé, torro!
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
Gemini, you are a creative being that can generate money from the sky, metaphorically speaking. This is due to your ability to succeed in anything you set your mind to and by making your dreams a reality. As a Gemini, you love to learn new things, because it gives you an edge where others are lackluster. Basically, you’re on a navé espacial heading to the stars while listening to Maná while the rest are stuck in office cubicles. ¡Oséa, ni al talón te llegan! You lead others by example, like a corporate CEO type. Say what you will, Gemini’s know how to make bank. Just no te apendejes con Versace Versace Versace! ¡Ni que chingaos!
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Cancers are intuitive, sentimental, and compassionate. In other words, emotional à la Selena Gomez. This can work in your favor, as you have the option of seeking a medical degree to appease your compassion. Your sign indicates you are also protective, so helping others in need is where it’s at. Just no te enamores con un Bon-bon when they come in for a physical exam. Maybe you’re not the book type, so nonprofits might be a good option. BUT you’re salary, so let’s just say you’ll be paid with sentiments. *cries* You are always mindful and intuitive. To be successful is a matter of doing what makes you happy even if you can’t afford el pozole de la esquina on the weekend. That may be OK because you are doing something that feels rewarding and that enriches you. Whether it’s a doctorate or work in a non-profit, your compassion will take you in the right direction.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
Leos! You are the leaders of the zodiac sign. Everyone is drawn to you. Use this to your advantage and take up positions of power like politics (just stay away from Orange Spray Tan, ¡Dios te salve, Maria!), something corporate, head of a publication… you get the point. You are strong and know how to direct yourself and others well. Everyone comes to you as if you were a king. Own it, and be the Latino Senator you dreamed of becoming as a child, or even President of the United States. Bring a positive change and light to the Latino community. You excel in jobs where power is needed, and you are there to provide it. ¡Hay Tú! You’re making me blush! Wealth is in your reach, wanting it is another. ¡No seas güey!
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
As a Virgo, you are born with innate practicality, loyalty, a gentle soul, and an analytical mind. Just don’t lose your head over it. Tech companies will suit you best. They are practical and a field where you will excel at with loyalty since all behemoth tech companies rely solely on that to grow as an empire. Human resources would be a good fit, too, because honesty is a feature you possess, so bank on it. Due to your analytical inclination you would thrive in science-related careers. It’s ideal, too, but your analytical trait will, at times, make you fastidious. ¡Relaja tú chongo/man bun!
Libra: September 23 – October 22
Libra, your Zodiac sign is in the form of a scale on the constellation. Balance lives within you. You are social, fair-minded, diplomatic, and gracious. You carry yourself well with others, and your diplomatic trait makes everyone gravitate toward you, as if you were the only one in the room. Your energy is positive and peaceful. As a Libra, your social and gracious charisma can help you land a job as an actor in Tinseltown. Be aware though, such venture is not absolute, so try your hand at working in marketing, public relations, or any career that is highly sociable, like an Instagram influencer, blogger, life guru, fashion stylist, etc. Just don’t let anyone bring you down. ¡Nomás no abras tu bocota demas!
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Scorpio’s motto: “You never know what you are capable of until you try.” As a Scorpio, you are passionate, stubborn, resourceful and brave. These are qualities that can make or break you. You can be a painter because it is both passionate and brave, but your parents might cringe. “¡Que dibujitos y que la chiflada!” they might say. Maybe a graphic artist? You’d be able to work for a video-game company or movie studio. Those are a few career outlets that your sign opens the doors to. You are brave, and it borders on fearless, so you don’t give up. You like helping others, so an MFT or a Ph.D. in psychology will rake in the big bucks. Do you know how much a 50-minute session with a psychologist will cost you these days? $125! Don’t ask how I know that. “What is a psicólogo?” your parents will ask. No son pa’ locitos? Maybe consult La Bruja instead. Your bravery always prevails and you shy away from nothing.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
As a Sagittarius, you are extroverted, optimistic, funny, and generous. You emit positive energy everywhere you go. An outdoors/nature career would suit you well. You can go as big as becoming an astronaut, professional mountain climber, goat yoga instructor, and even dabble in construction. It is your optimism that propels you, which is lacked by others. You have a good sense of humor, and your generosity is well-received to those deserving. Whether you want to reach for the stars as an Astronaut or work honorably in construction, your Zodiac traits will guide you to your financial niche. It is up to you to decide where it takes you, but no matter what, as long as it makes you happy. That is indeed the only thing that counts. ¡Nomas no te creas Superman, güey!
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Capricorns are serious, independent, intelligent, disciplined, and tenacious individuals, with the ability to be the most stable from all the Zodiac signs. Your traits give you a professional demeanor which works in your favor as you can enterprise, have your own business, work in government, or work in a high profile corporate job. Your seriousness makes you not the happiest patito, so work in a field that will inspire you every day, even if it takes time to get there. It pays off in the long run, and I’m sure your checking account will reflect that.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Aquarius (aka water type Pokémon. JK) are deep, imaginative, original, and uncompromising. In one word: complicated. ¡Hijos de su Madre! They are always buried in thought and imagination, which is a recipe for being somewhat disorganized. As an Aquarius, you would thrive in a career in the arts (artist, sculptor, photographer, writer). Artsy fartsy, basically. You can probably hear your mom screaming, “¡Y como chingaos vas a pagar la renta?!” A stable income varies, but you are definitely original, charismatic, loyal, humanitarian, and brilliant. You can also work in fields of science or non-profits to help those in need with scientific discoveries in health or helping those less fortunate. The course of your life is in your hands, as your Zodiac sign is your celestial map that will help you make the money you so wish and desire.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Pisces are affectionate, empathetic, wise, and artistic. Does that mean you’ll make a lot of dough à la Carlos Slim? ¡Ni a toritelloro llegas! A career in medicine, therapy, social work, or any artistic outlet will suit you nicely. You are also a dreamer, so work in a field that will foster that quality, like in architecture or creative technology. Use your wisdom, for it will guide you and will help you make the decisions necessary to live a good life, the way you want it to be, with guidance of your Zodiac, of course.
Your Zodiac sign is like a revelation from the cosmos (cue the fog) that can inspire you to become the best version of you and it brings along the foretelling of your financial future. As Walter Mercado would say “Reciban mucha paz de mi, pero sobre todo mucho, mucho, mucho *beso* Amor.”