Season 3 Of ‘Riverdale’ Took A Crazy Turn And Here Are The Best Fan Theories About What’s Coming Next
Welcome my confused as hell compadres who are embarrassingly invested in The CW’s “Riverdale” series. If you grew up reading the Archie Comics, then we all know how the show has taken a very dark turn from the original comic book series. We started out in a murder mystery and after the last few episode premieres of season three, we have no idea what’s happened to the sweet, small town of Riverdale.
Like, is this a mashup between “Stranger Things” and “Riverdale”? Can we expect there to be a crossover between “Riverdale” and “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” later in the season, now that things have gotten supernatural? We need answers.
Spoiler alert: We’re recapping.
Season two ended with Archie coming head to head with the hottest Latino dad on television, Hiram Lodge. Lodge always has the check mate up his sleeve and proved it when Archie was arrested for the murder of Lodge’s own hitman. So, we all kind of expected this season to be about the trial and Veronica and Hiram’s beef. We are so very wrong.
“The Farm” seems to be a key player in upcoming plot twists.
Polly Cooper is back and she’s creepier than ever. Let us remind you that the Cooper family almost all just got murdered by Betty’s serial killer father, who turned out to be The Black Hood. So, of course someone is going to turn to Jesus. Except, for the Cooper’s, it’s someone named Neverever. K.
Baby Neverever is very clearly evil.
There’s a gargoyle king.
Spotted by Betty and Jughead in the woods and of course Ethel is involved. It seems like there’s some kind of next level Jumanji game of life happening that has killed two boys so far, including Dilton Doiley. It’s hard to imagine his comic book character ever getting involved in drinking kool aid around an altar with marks carved into his back, but this is the CW’s “Riverdale.”
The evolution of “Riverdale” is completely okay with us.
Like, we all grew up with brujas for mothers. This is all normal. If you didn’t have a tia that practiced Santería or an altar in your closet, then are you even Latinx?
Oh, and dummy Archiekins pled guilty to a murder he didn’t commit.
Raise your hand if you thought this trial would take up the totality of Season 3? ????????
Welp, Archie surprised everyone at the end of episode one when he accepted a plea deal on the spot to go to prison after a hung jury declared a mistrial. He said he didn’t want to put his family and friends through the process again. So now he’s in juvi.
But my question is why didn’t he think of his dog?
“what she says: i’m fine
what she means: vegas will never understand why archie isn’t coming home and archie really should have taken that into consideration before he recklessly pleaded guilty why didn’t he think of the dog why does nO ONE EVER THINK OF THE DOG #Riverdale”
All our collective anger over Archie’s extreme martyrdom is hella directed to sexy evil Papa Hiram.
The CW took comic book Hiram’s hatred for Archie to the next level, with a whole season of storyline development. Let’s be honest, if any of our fathers had the power to frame any boy who touches his daughter for murder, he would.
His evilness has finally been confirmed by Hermione.
Caption: “Why is no one talking about Hermione telling Veronica that that she is a prisoner and that Hiram won’t hurt a hair on his daughter’s head but she can’t say the same for herself??? Come on people this is important! Also @marisolnichols did the most INCREDIBLE job we love youuu”
It’s really hard to hate such a beautiful man.
And here we are. Hate to love you, Mark Consuelos, pero eres un pendejo to the max in “Riverdale.” Redeem yourself please.
Nope, he won’t, because he also set off riot guards to beat up Archie right in front of Ronnie.
Ronnie showed up to prison with the Vixens to give the prison boys a pep rally.
Archie tried to bring juvi boys together by offering his new shoes as a prize (because all the boys in juvi have the same shoe size). I have so many questions about why “Riverdale” writers decided to have the high school cheerleading team come and sing “Jailhouse Rock” to a bunch of kids behind bars.
Claro, we’re all here for Choni.
Cheryl and Toni are the hottest couple of the entire series and I don’t care what you say about Betty and Jughead. These two are goals. Let’s never forget how Toni broke Cheryl out of a conversion therapy prison and had an iconic, gorgeous kiss in front of all the other imprisoned-by-religion gays. ????????????
Their love is already inspiring all the Halloween costumes of 2018.
Cheryl received a special, honorary red jacket and joined the Serpents after she ran away from her abusive home and saved the Serpents from the Ghoulies last season. Of course, all our moms are worried that we’ve joined a gang. Really, we’re just into a show aimed at teenagers.
But the aesthetic is too good to pass up for group costumes.
Caption: “No Serpent Stands Alone”
As a lesbian, it was very confusing to be attracted to Jughead, but now I understand that it’s because his aesthetic is lesbian vibes.
Oh, and Joaquin is back in action running the Serpent crew in Juvi.
F.P. Jones gave Archie a last minute prison tat just in case he got in so that the Serpents would protect him. Joaquin wasn’t going to make it that easy though. He directed Archie to shiv a Ghoulie to earn their protection. Archiekins refused.
So many of us are here for this crew:
Like, all the hot dads of Riverdale teaming together against the Evil Hot Dad of Riverdale? This is the kind of subplot that only “Riverdale” can give us.
Let’s just accept the fact that this season is going off the rails.
Archie isn’t hanging with the crew in his Jalopy. He’s in jail. Hermione has made it clear that we’re not looking at filicide like in season one when Jason’s killer was his own father. Ronnie is safe.
We don’t know wtf is happening but The Internet has some ideas.
A Nancy Drew Twitter user noticed the same markings carved into Dilton Doiley’s back at the water hole.
They are also on the “Welcome to Riverdale” sign. Remember that Betty and Jughead already found the markings in “The Bunker.” We don’t know what they mean but we’re sure that Bughead are going to figure it out.
Last we heard, all the adults already know who The Gargoyle King is.
Mayor Hermione Lodge gathered FP Jones, Alice Cooper, Fred Andrews, The Sheriff, Mrs. Blossom and the ex-Mayor together. They all swore they would never speak of what happened to them during their teenage-hood again. But now their children are in danger.
We’re all shook.
One deadass fuerte theory:
Remember when Hiram called Alice the “Acid Queen”? Remember her mugshot when it was revealed that she’s actually Southside and used to hang out with the Serpents? TBH, it’s an excellent theory and you saw it here first.
If you’re not ready for some drama, leave the “Riverdale” fan club, because it’s spilling.
Yeah, everyone could have left Mystic Falls but then we wouldn’t have had “The Vampire Diaries.” Leave “Riverdale” be. I’m here to watch this drama unfold.
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