Fed Up With Tinder And Instagram DM Slide-Ins This Latina Decided It Was Time To Give Up On Dating And Marry Herself
Our recent social platforms have made it certain that dating in today’s era is tough. Talk to your abuela about dating in her age, and she’ll probably tell you a story of waiting by a phone for a call and meeting up with a suitor at the local sock hop. She didn’t have to: swipe right and left on her Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and OkCupid profiles. Or, check her DMs on Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat to find out if someone she was interested in was down to “hang out” on a Friday night. Nope. Not like we have to.
One woman in Los Angeles became so fed up with the dating game and committing herself to the chase of apps that she decided it was time to commit to herself. So she did just that. On her 25th birthday. Over the weekend, 25-year-old Janis Valdez said, “yes” to a life of putting herself first.
In a recent post to her Instagram page, the Mexican-American revealed to family and friends that she’d gotten married. To herself.
“Sometimes you just gotta vow to love yourself cause no one else will do it for you. Nothing more I could of wanted from this birthday ???????????????? #MarriedToMyself,” she captioned her post.
This woman also isn’t the only one to have gone this route in recent years. It’s beginning to become a trend that experts have coined “sologamy” –– but heck, call it whatever you want.
Last year, on Valentine’s Day an Australian woman married herself in a beach ceremony in front of her three close friends. In 2017, another Italian woman put on a white veil and walked down the aisle to marry herself. And so on.
When asked about what led her to make the choice to give up on the dating scene – for now – and marry herself, Valdez told FIERCE by mitú: “After many ghosts, booty calls you thought were serious, and [people playing] catfish, you can only take so much. So I decided, I’m turning 25. It’s time for a quarter-life crisis moment.” (She’s only half-joking, y’all).
Valdez said her decision to say “I do” to herself was in an effort to change her perspective and approach to life.
“It’s for a life change,” Valdez explained. “It’s time I actually love myself because clearly… looking for someone else to love you in a city of complete vapidness and ego, no one’s going to love you for you.”
Speaking about her decision to marry herself, Valdez told us that she decided to have the ceremony on her birthday because “what’s a better way to bring in 25 than to fucking marry yourself? I thought it was pretty badass.”
But remember, Valdez’s decision to mary herself is about commitment to herself, not necessarily about committing to a life without a partner.
Writer Lea Rose Emery explained to Brides Magazine in the article Sologamy: Why More and More Women Are Marrying…Themselves that “some self-marriage proponents are bound to keep flying solo, many who choose to self-marry by no means plan on being alone. It’s not about replacing or preventing a potential partner. It’s not about being alone—it’s about being enough.”
Valdez says she told her family a few years ago that she was “probably going to end up marrying herself because dating was not working out.” She says she sort of made a pact with her sister, that if they reached their thirties without being married they would marry themselves but still throw an extravagant and fabulous ceremony together so their parents could have that to look forward to. Of course, since then both sisters have been in relationships. Valdez’s sister is currently in a committed one and Valdez was in one that she describes as “a very serious long term relationship” for some time until things ended. Pursuing relationships after the breakup proved to be rough, however, as Valdez explains “dating since my break-up has been horrible.”
Valdez isn’t letting that experience completely take over her life and she seems to be taking matters into her own hands – prioritizing herself and learning to love herself first and foremost.
Valdez also creates videos on YouTube where she not only chronicles her life in the city with her friends but also has a series called, “Dating in L.A.”
If you watch, she says, you’ll get a glimpse into how horrible dating in L.A. really is.
And she’s not the only one who feels this way about dating in L.A. or other huge cities for that matter. Los Angeles Magazine published an article earlier this year titled, “Dating in L.A. Sucks. We Did the Math.”
In it, the writer states: “Relationships are hard. Relationships in Los Angeles are harder. Maybe the 405 is to blame for canceled dates? Perhaps Peter Pan Syndrome prevents substantive connections? No matter the cause, single Angelenos are approaching the dating game with apathy rather than intent, and that’s unpleasant.” You can say that again.
Dating in L.A. can be a downer for many reasons. We’ve got a list longer than CVS receipts.
For Valdez, she says she isn’t much into the bar or clubbing scene and she’s a homebody. “I’m so closely tied to my friends that it’s honestly a hard position I put myself in to meet new people,” she explains. “So of course, I turned to apps. But [many times] people never looked like their pictures. [Other times] people are just looking for matches and validation.”
And the list goes on. She also says her experiences with dating apps meant that people were simply “matching with her” but not reaching out or just ghosting her straight up. She was fed up with those experiences that left a bad taste in her mouth. She says it was also harder for her to date around as a bisexual woman.
To other bisexual women in the dating, she would say, “Be picky with the guys you date and when and how you tell them you’re bi. I’m sure I’m not the only one to get ‘threesome?’ A lot of the time, too, I’ll tell a guy that I’m bi and that immediately sexualizes me [in their eyes] and they can’t see me in any other light.”
So she advises other women in similar situations to “just do what feels right to you at the moment. So if you don’t have a feel for this person right off the bat, maybe try to get to know them a little more and make sure it’s not someone who’s going to be ignorant [about you and your feelings. But also be yourself.”
But despite her experience with dating in L.A., Valdez isn’t letting that make her completely close off.
If Valdez meets someone and there’s a genuine connection, she says she’s not going to turn that down just because she’s married.
“I put myself first. That’s what’s different after marriage. I’m someone who maybe prioritized my significant others too much, or above myself. And marrying myself was the first step in really changing that behavior,” she explains. “I am the most important. I will do right by me and if I’m right by me then I can do right by others. All that stuff. But I’m done with the meaningless casualties of dating. I don’t feel like putting effort into people who couldn’t care less about me. I just feel empty when I do that. So if something genuine and deep and real and meaningful comes, I won’t shut it down.”
Cheers to that!