Entertainment

It’s Leo Season: Here’s How You’ll Go Broke Based Off Your Zodiac Sign

Praise be, with mercury’s retrograde behind us, we’re looking straight ahead to celebrating Leo in all its fiery glory. The retrograde has just rained twelve levels of emotional basura down upon us and Leo is going to burn it all up. We’re stepping out of the depths of emotional mierda and letting our strange selves be set free, thanks to Leo.

We’re here for all the self-care our hearts need, and after such a trying month behind us, and indulgent Leo egging us on, we’re all about to go broke. Here’s how you will.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

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We’re feeling turned around after Mercury in retrograde and want to feel safe again. Taurus, you might be feeling like now’s the time to invest in that home security system and you’re right.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

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Virgo, we know that by telling you this, you’re going to feel obligated to buy it, but that’s the point. You would need to buy this Ezy Dog $99 seatbelt harness for your dog because you know it’s the only crash tested harness that will actually protect your baby in the case of an emergency. Earth signs, we’re here for security.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

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All the earth signs are going to be looking for ways to ground themselves, especially after the chaos of yester-season. My fellow Capricorns, we are laughably practical in how we spend our money, but it speaks to what makes us feel good–by grounding into the earth. I already bought four pair of shoes this week, hbu?

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

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Leo has you feeling ready to create the life you’ve always wanted to have. You’ve had an international trip on your mind, and you know what, there’s no time like the present. Pull the trigger and buy that flight to Colombia, girl.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

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Feliz cumple, Leo! This your time to shine, and the stars are making it so that you get the most bang for your buck. Throw yourself that party. Go on that weekend cruise. Celebrate every version of yourself you’ve brought to your birthdays and toast to next year’s.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

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Sagittarius, you’re such a giving soul, and Leo just brings out the extravagance of generosity in you. You’ve wanted to take your mama back to Cuba for a minute. Do it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

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For you, dear Cancer, indulgence is best spent shared. You’re on the verge of going broke to share an emotional connection and special memory with your partner. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Credit: Cratejoy

It may sound too on-the-nose, Scorpio, but both you and Capricorn are feeling the kink in the air. We don’t need to tell you to be sex-positive. We’re just giving you a heads up that you about to go broke on a sex toy subscription box. : P 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Credit: goodbyebahamas / Instagram

Sweet Pisces, your heart is so full this Leo season, and only you could offer the love and care a special needs animal requires. We think you’re about to go broke paying medical bills for that special three-legged turtle in your life.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

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Gemini, this season could go one of two ways. You’re either about to drop money on a couple kegs and throw a party, or this political season has you wanting to invest in the future. If it’s the latter, may we suggest the Trans Latina Coalition because you know justice is intersectional and trans Latina immigrants are at high risk.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Credit: so_lizaveta / Instagram

Dear Libra, this season, Leo won’t have you stray too far from what you know. Libra would go broke buying VIP tickets to the work convention they’ve always needed to elevate their networking game.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Credit: c.b.m.astronomy / Instagram
@c.b.m.astronomy / Instagram

Aquarius, there’s no doubt about it. You’re going to invest in the stars by actually buying one and naming it after yourself. ????

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Which WWE Finishing Move are you Based on your Horoscope?

Entertainment

Which WWE Finishing Move are you Based on your Horoscope?

2020 feels like being thrown off the top of the Hell in a Cell structure and crashing through the announcement table, fam. It’s been painful and disorienting. Even if we don’t know where this wild year will lead us, at the very least we still have the release of WWE 2K Battlegrounds to look forward to. Can I have a Yassss [in Spanish]? Thank you. That was beautiful. 

(Scroll to the bottom to check out the WWE 2K Battlegrounds trailer!)

While 2020 figures itself out, at the very least we can unleash some madrasos on our friends and primos while playing this high flying, face smashing, adrenaline exploding brawl-style arcade game full of WWE Superstars and Legends. A HUEVO! But if you find it difficult to decide which finishing move you’re going to decimate your friends or primos with, NO WORRIES, baby…you can always look to the cosmos – because this article is going to tell you which WWE Finishing move you are based on your horoscope AND how you can send your opponents crying to their mamas. 

ARIES

Aries. You’re Randy Orton’s RKO. But, Aries. Come on. You already knew that, fam. You’re calculated. Aggressive. Assertive. You’ll run into your friend at the supermarket and they’ll be telling you how their mom is doing good and how she’s around the corner getting some hair dye and BAM! RKO! You’ll drop that person right in the middle of the cereal aisle because you spotted them an elote that one time and they never paid you back. Aries, you’re wild. And that spontaneity will serve you well when you play WWE 2K Battlegrounds.

TAURUS

Taurus, you love beautiful things and you’re a very committed person – meaning, you just don’t let things GO! Taurus, it’s obvious. You’re Charlotte Flair’s Figure 8. Your finisher is beautiful. Stunning. And when you got that baby locked in, Taurus, you’ll never let go! You’re like my mom who never forgave me that one time I ordered pizza when she was about to reheat calabazas she made a week ago. So lock in that Figure 8, Taurus. Make your enemies throw their controllers in anger.

GEMINI

Dear, Gemini, of course you’re going to drop two finishers on somebody. You’ve got that crazy cosmic duality in you, fam. This means you’re definitely Sasha’s Back Stabber AND Bank Statement. When people play WWE 2K Battlegrounds with you, they’ll think they’re only playing a game. Ba-HAHAHAH! This ain’t a game to you! You came to win, Gemini. But, please Gemini, do us all a favor. Don’t play with llorones. Cause you’re gonna make someone cry with those moves.

CANCER

Cancer, your finishing move is Keith Lee’s Big Bang Catastrophe. You have great emotional depth. You’re sensitive. So it makes sense that your move should rock your opponent to their core, while bringing the two of you close. Cancer, when you drop that Big Bang Catastrophe, you are going to bond with your opponent so much. As their back slams onto the mat and you land, full-weight, on top of them…you’ll be closer than arroz y frijoles. Or like asada on tortilla. Or any other delicious food pairings you prefer. Cancer, thank you for caring so much about how you destroy your amigos and siblings. 

LEO

Leo, this is your world, baby. You’re the king of the ring, which means, obvio, your finisher is The Undertaker’s Tombstone Piledriver. This is a legendary move. People don’t come back from this. One time I was watching the Undertaker deliver the Tombstone Piledriver on TV and from behind I heard my mom say to me, “Ese hombre no tiene madre.” I turned to my mom and said…”No. El Undertaker no tiene madre. Viene del infierno.” My mom gasped. She’d never met someone que no tiene madre before. So, when you’re playing that WWE 2K Battlegrounds, te suplico…take it easy on the other players. The Undertaker is not like the rest of us. 

VIRGO

Virgo, you’re a perfectionist. You’re detail oriented. Your finisher is Drew McIntyre’s Future Shock DDT. This is a precision move. When you were a kid in line to hit the piñata, everyone swung blindfolded with all their might and made a fool of themselves. But not you, Virgo. You were solving formulas and equations in your head. By the time they handed you the palo to swing at the piñata, you knew the precise moment to swing, exploding that piñata and catching everyone off-guard, including your tío who was previously holding the piñata rope and subsequently hanging from the roof of the garage. Drop that DDT, baby. Drop it like it’s hot.

LIBRA

Libra you’re all about harmony and human connection. AWWW…Libra, eres muy cute. Except for when you’re making human connection by using Becky Lynch’s Disarm-Her finishing move to dislocate your opponent’s shoulder. Libra, while most people make connections by holding hands, or a simply high 5’ing… you don’t. Because your idea of connection is grabbing someone by the wrist, like Becky Lynch, and trying to yank their arm out. Libra, use this move in WWE 2K Battlegrounds to disable that cousin who taunted you saying, “You fight like a girl.” After you break their arm in the video game, let them know…”You’re damn right I do.”

SCORPIO

Scorpio, te vale madre what others think of you. You’re a Stone Cold Stunner, baby. You do things como te dé la gana. So when you step into the ring, you make your own rules. When your friend says your playing is “weak” – STUNNER. When someone tries to pick up a chair in the game – STUNNER. When your prima says, “I’m gonna pause, I need to use the restroom” – STUNNER. When your mom comes in asking if anyone wants limonada. STUN…wait, NO. Don’t give your a’ma a stunner. That’s rude. Your mom does a lot. Say, “please and thank you…” then give everyone else a STUNNER and drink your limonada as if it tastes like victory. 

SAGITTARIUS

Sagittarius, you’re known for taking the road less traveled. When most go for a hard scoop slam, not you Sagittarius. Not you. You do Strowman’s Running Powerslam. Because a body slam is such a “from point A to point B” type of move. But you like to lift your opponents onto your shoulder like they’re a wholesale-sized bag of dog food and you run Sagittarius. You run from point A, to B, to C, to D, and you slam your friend’s character in the game somewhere around point Y, or Z. And when your friend says, “I’m tired of losing…can we order a pizza?” You say to them, “No. I take the road less traveled. I want Peruvian food. And I’d also like to travel away from not playing. We shall continue to play, and I shall continue to destroy you. I take the road less traveled.”  

CAPRICORN

Capricorn. You don’t mess around. Neither does Asuka’s Asuka Lock, which totally makes sense as your WWE finishing move. Others may see you as serious and traditional, but when you’ve got that Asuka Lock on them all they’re gonna see is that they’re about to lose the match, because you’ve got a grip on them that’s tighter than your abuelo’s abnormally strong handshake. Why do all abuelos have that grip, though? My hand hurts just thinking about it…And just like your abuelo makes you panic everytime he holds out his hand to saludar, so will your enemies when you play as Asuka.  

AQUARIUS

Aquarius, you’re a little bit of a peacock, and that’s meant in a good way. Your finishing move is Rey Mysterio’s 619. And it makes sense. You have panache. You’ve got style. You’ve got dance moves that make your mom wanna tell you, “deberías ir a la iglesia más seguido (you should go to church more often).” The 619 is a special move. It’s got style. It’s got excitement. And it’s got you swinging two boots like a roundhouse kick at your opponent’s face. Listen to the stars, Aquarius…the stars want you to kick your opponent in the face.    

PISCES

Pisces, you are artistic. You’re a dreamer. You go with the flow. So when you flatten your opponents like handmade tortillas, you bet your mother’s enchiladas you’re using Alexa Bliss’s Twisted Bliss. Not only is this finisher a true work of art, but when your amiga sees you soaring off the top turnbuckle in the game, she’ll suddenly get the urge to apologize for all the wrong she’s ever done to you: like when she said your brother reminds her of that sexy reggaeton artist. Because as soon as that Twisted Bliss connects and her character in the game is totally norteada, her only hope of survival is that you have mercy on her. But WWE 2K Battlegrounds isn’t about mercy. If she wanted mercy, she should’ve played dominoes with her mom.

WWE 2K Battlegrounds is out NOW! Whatever your zodiac sign, this game is loaded with finishers from tons of WWE Superstars that totally align with your cosmic energy. So get ready to spend hours of fun drop kicking your friends in the back of the head, crashing your brother through a table, and giving your cousins spears, rock bottoms, and glam slams – because this game takes wrestling to new heights with over-the-top action you won’t get anywhere else. 

As promised, here’s the WWE 2K Battlegrounds trailer!

*Please don’t try these moves at home. No. Not even with a helmet.* 

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We Can Tell You What Your Abuela Makes You For Breakfast Based On Her Zodiac Sign

Entertainment

We Can Tell You What Your Abuela Makes You For Breakfast Based On Her Zodiac Sign

Abuelas are universally loved by all Latinos lucky enough to grow up with them. Virtually all of them make the most delicious food we’ve ever tasted. They all kiss you on the cheek and call you gordita as you walk in the door, and if you try and reject your second helping of food, they call you flaquita and give you more. Of course, our abuelas offer so much more than just food. They likely left their generations-long home country to give their descendants a different start in life. They’re trailblazers and all so unique.

Pero, like, when it comes to desayuno, one thing is certain: they will cook up a feast. Here’s how the stars have influenced their breakfast of choice. See if we guessed right.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

@LCHurtado / Twitter

There’s no recipe for this one. It’s just a straight mixto de cositas leftover and somehow, your Abuela makes it work. It’s the talent of the Aries to go with the flow and make casamiento out of nothing (air).

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

@ccsham_34 / Twitter

Mama, you’re having whatever it is your abuelita has had for breakfast every day for the last half century. Taurus’ abuelas are all about security and comfort, and they make that feeling contagious with Huevos Rancheros. 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

@thechef414 / Instagram

We bet your abuela is either a genius in the kitchen or just plain wrong. Gemini’s are known for being on the pulse of trends and creative. Your abuela probably thinks she invented the Jibarito. 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

@solopacolombianos / Instagram

Cancers are super nostalgic and probably have the deepest emotional connection to food out of any of the other signs in the zodiac. Your abuela makes you what her abuela made her for breakfast, and she tells you that every single time. ❤️The answer to this depends on your abuela’s nationality, but we’re going to guess some kind of yucca (or plantain) with frijoles and leftover pegao. Maybe an egg if you’re lucky.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

@fer_sefit / Instagram

Leos make for very fun, generous abuelas. We bet your abuela actually asks you what you want for breakfast, and will actually make you pancakes if you ask. Claro, she’s using Bisquick [beez-kwhick], and adding diced mangos, but you love her for it.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

@heartmyplate808 / Instagram

Our reliable Virgo abuelas love a neat egg-in-the-hole. Is there any other name for it? It’s the best way to use stale bread while making a super satisfying breakfast cada vez.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

@orlandoneurocoach / Instagram

Resourceful Nana’s are going to make you the most simple and pure breakfasts of all time: Huevo con Arroz Blanca. It’s the cheapest meal to make using anoche’s leftover rice and a runny egg, and it satisfies

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

@lowcarberista / Instagram

Scorpio abuelas are so meta, they would make their nenas an egg-in-the-hole jamón style. At the very least, she’s making these for her grandsons because they’re growing boys. Us granddaughters might be stuck with the buttery bread version and it’s patriachy’s loss.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

@dominicanfts2.0 / Instagram

Sagittarius abuelas are a rarity because the sign breeds folks who are here for a good time, not a long time. Your abuela has stories and she’s going to tell you every single one of them as she mashes together some mangú.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

@kiwilimon / Instagram

Capricorn abuelas want to adore you with a masterpiece of thrifty ingredients made rico with love and care. Molletes: it’s what’s for breakfast. ????

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

@LauraNeuzeth / Twitter

Your Aquarius abuela is in her most evolved state when she feels she’s tapped into the world around her. She might be trying to make substitute classic mantequilla with a non-dairy butter, or try out soyrizo. We’re not mad about it.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

@thiagomonrroy / Twitter

Honey, there’s no telling what your Pisces abuela is going to do this morning. She might just skip breakfast to go tend to her garden, or meet with her new social club. You’re taking her out para desayunar. ????

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