Entertainment

It’s Leo Season: Here’s How You’ll Go Broke Based Off Your Zodiac Sign

Praise be, with mercury’s retrograde behind us, we’re looking straight ahead to celebrating Leo in all its fiery glory. The retrograde has just rained twelve levels of emotional basura down upon us and Leo is going to burn it all up. We’re stepping out of the depths of emotional mierda and letting our strange selves be set free, thanks to Leo.

We’re here for all the self-care our hearts need, and after such a trying month behind us, and indulgent Leo egging us on, we’re all about to go broke. Here’s how you will.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

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We’re feeling turned around after Mercury in retrograde and want to feel safe again. Taurus, you might be feeling like now’s the time to invest in that home security system and you’re right.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

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Virgo, we know that by telling you this, you’re going to feel obligated to buy it, but that’s the point. You would need to buy this Ezy Dog $99 seatbelt harness for your dog because you know it’s the only crash tested harness that will actually protect your baby in the case of an emergency. Earth signs, we’re here for security.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

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All the earth signs are going to be looking for ways to ground themselves, especially after the chaos of yester-season. My fellow Capricorns, we are laughably practical in how we spend our money, but it speaks to what makes us feel good–by grounding into the earth. I already bought four pair of shoes this week, hbu?

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

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Leo has you feeling ready to create the life you’ve always wanted to have. You’ve had an international trip on your mind, and you know what, there’s no time like the present. Pull the trigger and buy that flight to Colombia, girl.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

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Feliz cumple, Leo! This your time to shine, and the stars are making it so that you get the most bang for your buck. Throw yourself that party. Go on that weekend cruise. Celebrate every version of yourself you’ve brought to your birthdays and toast to next year’s.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

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Sagittarius, you’re such a giving soul, and Leo just brings out the extravagance of generosity in you. You’ve wanted to take your mama back to Cuba for a minute. Do it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

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For you, dear Cancer, indulgence is best spent shared. You’re on the verge of going broke to share an emotional connection and special memory with your partner. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

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It may sound too on-the-nose, Scorpio, but both you and Capricorn are feeling the kink in the air. We don’t need to tell you to be sex-positive. We’re just giving you a heads up that you about to go broke on a sex toy subscription box. : P 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

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Sweet Pisces, your heart is so full this Leo season, and only you could offer the love and care a special needs animal requires. We think you’re about to go broke paying medical bills for that special three-legged turtle in your life.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

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Gemini, this season could go one of two ways. You’re either about to drop money on a couple kegs and throw a party, or this political season has you wanting to invest in the future. If it’s the latter, may we suggest the Trans Latina Coalition because you know justice is intersectional and trans Latina immigrants are at high risk.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

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Dear Libra, this season, Leo won’t have you stray too far from what you know. Libra would go broke buying VIP tickets to the work convention they’ve always needed to elevate their networking game.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

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Aquarius, there’s no doubt about it. You’re going to invest in the stars by actually buying one and naming it after yourself. 😂

We Can Tell You What Your Abuela Makes You For Breakfast Based On Her Zodiac Sign

Entertainment

We Can Tell You What Your Abuela Makes You For Breakfast Based On Her Zodiac Sign

Abuelas are universally loved by all Latinos lucky enough to grow up with them. Virtually all of them make the most delicious food we’ve ever tasted. They all kiss you on the cheek and call you gordita as you walk in the door, and if you try and reject your second helping of food, they call you flaquita and give you more. Of course, our abuelas offer so much more than just food. They likely left their generations-long home country to give their descendants a different start in life. They’re trailblazers and all so unique.

Pero, like, when it comes to desayuno, one thing is certain: they will cook up a feast. Here’s how the stars have influenced their breakfast of choice. See if we guessed right.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

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There’s no recipe for this one. It’s just a straight mixto de cositas leftover and somehow, your Abuela makes it work. It’s the talent of the Aries to go with the flow and make casamiento out of nothing (air).

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

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Mama, you’re having whatever it is your abuelita has had for breakfast every day for the last half century. Taurus’ abuelas are all about security and comfort, and they make that feeling contagious with Huevos Rancheros. 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

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We bet your abuela is either a genius in the kitchen or just plain wrong. Gemini’s are known for being on the pulse of trends and creative. Your abuela probably thinks she invented the Jibarito. 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

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Cancers are super nostalgic and probably have the deepest emotional connection to food out of any of the other signs in the zodiac. Your abuela makes you what her abuela made her for breakfast, and she tells you that every single time. ❤️The answer to this depends on your abuela’s nationality, but we’re going to guess some kind of yucca (or plantain) with frijoles and leftover pegao. Maybe an egg if you’re lucky.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

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Leos make for very fun, generous abuelas. We bet your abuela actually asks you what you want for breakfast, and will actually make you pancakes if you ask. Claro, she’s using Bisquick [beez-kwhick], and adding diced mangos, but you love her for it.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

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Our reliable Virgo abuelas love a neat egg-in-the-hole. Is there any other name for it? It’s the best way to use stale bread while making a super satisfying breakfast cada vez.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

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Resourceful Nana’s are going to make you the most simple and pure breakfasts of all time: Huevo con Arroz Blanca. It’s the cheapest meal to make using anoche’s leftover rice and a runny egg, and it satisfies

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

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Scorpio abuelas are so meta, they would make their nenas an egg-in-the-hole jamón style. At the very least, she’s making these for her grandsons because they’re growing boys. Us granddaughters might be stuck with the buttery bread version and it’s patriachy’s loss.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

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Sagittarius abuelas are a rarity because the sign breeds folks who are here for a good time, not a long time. Your abuela has stories and she’s going to tell you every single one of them as she mashes together some mangú.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

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Capricorn abuelas want to adore you with a masterpiece of thrifty ingredients made rico with love and care. Molletes: it’s what’s for breakfast. 🤤

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

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Your Aquarius abuela is in her most evolved state when she feels she’s tapped into the world around her. She might be trying to make substitute classic mantequilla with a non-dairy butter, or try out soyrizo. We’re not mad about it.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

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Honey, there’s no telling what your Pisces abuela is going to do this morning. She might just skip breakfast to go tend to her garden, or meet with her new social club. You’re taking her out para desayunar. 😂

Your Zodiac Sign Can Tell A Lot About Who You Are But Now It’s Also A Sign Of How You Take Your Coffee

Entertainment

Your Zodiac Sign Can Tell A Lot About Who You Are But Now It’s Also A Sign Of How You Take Your Coffee

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The Zodiac has so much to tell us about ourselves that we can’t even comprehend. As our representative constellations maintain their structure as they move throughout the sky, its influence on how life’s events unfold is undeniable. There are certain things about us that will never change. Somos Latinos and we might be living in diaspora, but we’ll always drink cafecito.

Depending on your reigning constellation, we think we can guess which cafecito captures all the quirks that make you you. 😉

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

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I’m sorry, Taurus, but you would have abuela’s homemade frappe. You’re just that sweet. Abuela usually won’t take ‘no’ for an answer, but you’re specifically wired to be unable to say that word. Abuela’s blending up ice cream and Café Bustelo for you right now and drizzling that raspberry mystery sauce all over it for you right now.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

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You crafty, Earth sign, you. In both a testament to your creative side and your need for food and caffeine security, you have Café Bustelo ice cubes available in your freezer at all times. You never know when you’ll need a boost, or when that heat wave comes and, mija, you’re prepared.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

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Fellow Cap Daddy’s, we’re efficient, we’re ready to get down to business. That’s why we’re making Cuban coffee the fastest, strongest way we know how: French Press Cubano. French Press lets you multitask and make breakfast while the water boils and take a shower while water is magically turned into coffee. By the time it’s ready to be drenched in sugar, you’re set up to start your work day.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

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For you, Aries, enjoying your coffee begins with the ritual of making it. A slow, nutty  Colombian roast served via a pour over is in your nature.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

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All we know, Leo, is that if you’re not enjoying your cafecito with an affirmation staring you down or with your closest comadres, you’re not enjoying your cafecito.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

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Our humanitarian angels of the Zodiac like to enjoy a delicious non-dairy coconut cream latte, knowing no animals were harmed in the making of your cafecito. Que rico. 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

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Cancers, you are just too sweet not to be paired with dessert for breakfast. Enjoy this espresso infused chocolate pudding, ice cream, and espresso bean layered parfait. You deserve it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

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We all saw this coming. Scorpio, everything you do, you do in full-force. That’s why you’re having a Cuban colada to fuel you through your day. The darker the coffee, the better.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

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My sweet fish, you crave a strong Costa Rican café latte. Costa Rican coffee is watered down in all the right ways, giving us subtle flavors that are enjoyed alone or with desayuno. Just like you, Pisces, this cafecito is *just right*.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

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Gemini, you’re chasing so many dreams, hobbies and interests, that you like to rely on creature comforts to remind you of home. Puerto Rico’s Café Morro is bold, creamy and cheap enough to help continue funding your dreams. It’s a two-fer.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

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Libra, while you’re goal-oriented, you’re also very attune to your place in society. That’s why you’re drinking up anything that Latina-owned Hero Coffee shop is offering. 

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

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Aquarius, life is your oyster, and you’re going to live it. While you’d try any trending cafecito-esque drink, the one that you’d be most likely to go back to is Starguac’s Witches’ Brew Frappe. Everything is on the table. Make every cafecito an out-of-this-world experience by carrying black glitter with you to sprinkle on top of all your cafecitos. Not everyone would appreciate it, but, you, Aquarius, are worthy.