It’s Leo Season: Here’s How You’ll Go Broke Based Off Your Zodiac Sign
Praise be, with mercury’s retrograde behind us, we’re looking straight ahead to celebrating Leo in all its fiery glory. The retrograde has just rained twelve levels of emotional basura down upon us and Leo is going to burn it all up. We’re stepping out of the depths of emotional mierda and letting our strange selves be set free, thanks to Leo.
We’re here for all the self-care our hearts need, and after such a trying month behind us, and indulgent Leo egging us on, we’re all about to go broke. Here’s how you will.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
We’re feeling turned around after Mercury in retrograde and want to feel safe again. Taurus, you might be feeling like now’s the time to invest in that home security system and you’re right.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Virgo, we know that by telling you this, you’re going to feel obligated to buy it, but that’s the point. You would need to buy this Ezy Dog $99 seatbelt harness for your dog because you know it’s the only crash tested harness that will actually protect your baby in the case of an emergency. Earth signs, we’re here for security.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
All the earth signs are going to be looking for ways to ground themselves, especially after the chaos of yester-season. My fellow Capricorns, we are laughably practical in how we spend our money, but it speaks to what makes us feel good–by grounding into the earth. I already bought four pair of shoes this week, hbu?
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Leo has you feeling ready to create the life you’ve always wanted to have. You’ve had an international trip on your mind, and you know what, there’s no time like the present. Pull the trigger and buy that flight to Colombia, girl.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Feliz cumple, Leo! This your time to shine, and the stars are making it so that you get the most bang for your buck. Throw yourself that party. Go on that weekend cruise. Celebrate every version of yourself you’ve brought to your birthdays and toast to next year’s.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Sagittarius, you’re such a giving soul, and Leo just brings out the extravagance of generosity in you. You’ve wanted to take your mama back to Cuba for a minute. Do it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
For you, dear Cancer, indulgence is best spent shared. You’re on the verge of going broke to share an emotional connection and special memory with your partner.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It may sound too on-the-nose, Scorpio, but both you and Capricorn are feeling the kink in the air. We don’t need to tell you to be sex-positive. We’re just giving you a heads up that you about to go broke on a sex toy subscription box. : P
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Sweet Pisces, your heart is so full this Leo season, and only you could offer the love and care a special needs animal requires. We think you’re about to go broke paying medical bills for that special three-legged turtle in your life.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Gemini, this season could go one of two ways. You’re either about to drop money on a couple kegs and throw a party, or this political season has you wanting to invest in the future. If it’s the latter, may we suggest the Trans Latina Coalition because you know justice is intersectional and trans Latina immigrants are at high risk.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Dear Libra, this season, Leo won’t have you stray too far from what you know. Libra would go broke buying VIP tickets to the work convention they’ve always needed to elevate their networking game.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarius, there’s no doubt about it. You’re going to invest in the stars by actually buying one and naming it after yourself. 😂