Which WWE Finishing Move are you Based on your Horoscope?

2020 feels like being thrown off the top of the Hell in a Cell structure and crashing through the announcement table, fam. It’s been painful and disorienting. Even if we don’t know where this wild year will lead us, at the very least we still have the release of WWE 2K Battlegrounds to look forward to. Can I have a Yassss [in Spanish]? Thank you. That was beautiful. 

(Scroll to the bottom to check out the WWE 2K Battlegrounds trailer!)

While 2020 figures itself out, at the very least we can unleash some madrasos on our friends and primos while playing this high flying, face smashing, adrenaline exploding brawl-style arcade game full of WWE Superstars and Legends. A HUEVO! But if you find it difficult to decide which finishing move you’re going to decimate your friends or primos with, NO WORRIES, baby…you can always look to the cosmos – because this article is going to tell you which WWE Finishing move you are based on your horoscope AND how you can send your opponents crying to their mamas. 

ARIES

Aries. You’re Randy Orton’s RKO. But, Aries. Come on. You already knew that, fam. You’re calculated. Aggressive. Assertive. You’ll run into your friend at the supermarket and they’ll be telling you how their mom is doing good and how she’s around the corner getting some hair dye and BAM! RKO! You’ll drop that person right in the middle of the cereal aisle because you spotted them an elote that one time and they never paid you back. Aries, you’re wild. And that spontaneity will serve you well when you play WWE 2K Battlegrounds.

TAURUS

Taurus, you love beautiful things and you’re a very committed person – meaning, you just don’t let things GO! Taurus, it’s obvious. You’re Charlotte Flair’s Figure 8. Your finisher is beautiful. Stunning. And when you got that baby locked in, Taurus, you’ll never let go! You’re like my mom who never forgave me that one time I ordered pizza when she was about to reheat calabazas she made a week ago. So lock in that Figure 8, Taurus. Make your enemies throw their controllers in anger.

GEMINI

Dear, Gemini, of course you’re going to drop two finishers on somebody. You’ve got that crazy cosmic duality in you, fam. This means you’re definitely Sasha’s Back Stabber AND Bank Statement. When people play WWE 2K Battlegrounds with you, they’ll think they’re only playing a game. Ba-HAHAHAH! This ain’t a game to you! You came to win, Gemini. But, please Gemini, do us all a favor. Don’t play with llorones. Cause you’re gonna make someone cry with those moves.

CANCER

Cancer, your finishing move is Keith Lee’s Big Bang Catastrophe. You have great emotional depth. You’re sensitive. So it makes sense that your move should rock your opponent to their core, while bringing the two of you close. Cancer, when you drop that Big Bang Catastrophe, you are going to bond with your opponent so much. As their back slams onto the mat and you land, full-weight, on top of them…you’ll be closer than arroz y frijoles. Or like asada on tortilla. Or any other delicious food pairings you prefer. Cancer, thank you for caring so much about how you destroy your amigos and siblings. 

LEO

Leo, this is your world, baby. You’re the king of the ring, which means, obvio, your finisher is The Undertaker’s Tombstone Piledriver. This is a legendary move. People don’t come back from this. One time I was watching the Undertaker deliver the Tombstone Piledriver on TV and from behind I heard my mom say to me, “Ese hombre no tiene madre.” I turned to my mom and said…”No. El Undertaker no tiene madre. Viene del infierno.” My mom gasped. She’d never met someone que no tiene madre before. So, when you’re playing that WWE 2K Battlegrounds, te suplico…take it easy on the other players. The Undertaker is not like the rest of us. 

VIRGO

Virgo, you’re a perfectionist. You’re detail oriented. Your finisher is Drew McIntyre’s Future Shock DDT. This is a precision move. When you were a kid in line to hit the piñata, everyone swung blindfolded with all their might and made a fool of themselves. But not you, Virgo. You were solving formulas and equations in your head. By the time they handed you the palo to swing at the piñata, you knew the precise moment to swing, exploding that piñata and catching everyone off-guard, including your tío who was previously holding the piñata rope and subsequently hanging from the roof of the garage. Drop that DDT, baby. Drop it like it’s hot.

LIBRA

Libra you’re all about harmony and human connection. AWWW…Libra, eres muy cute. Except for when you’re making human connection by using Becky Lynch’s Disarm-Her finishing move to dislocate your opponent’s shoulder. Libra, while most people make connections by holding hands, or a simply high 5’ing… you don’t. Because your idea of connection is grabbing someone by the wrist, like Becky Lynch, and trying to yank their arm out. Libra, use this move in WWE 2K Battlegrounds to disable that cousin who taunted you saying, “You fight like a girl.” After you break their arm in the video game, let them know…”You’re damn right I do.”

SCORPIO

Scorpio, te vale madre what others think of you. You’re a Stone Cold Stunner, baby. You do things como te dé la gana. So when you step into the ring, you make your own rules. When your friend says your playing is “weak” – STUNNER. When someone tries to pick up a chair in the game – STUNNER. When your prima says, “I’m gonna pause, I need to use the restroom” – STUNNER. When your mom comes in asking if anyone wants limonada. STUN…wait, NO. Don’t give your a’ma a stunner. That’s rude. Your mom does a lot. Say, “please and thank you…” then give everyone else a STUNNER and drink your limonada as if it tastes like victory. 

SAGITTARIUS

Sagittarius, you’re known for taking the road less traveled. When most go for a hard scoop slam, not you Sagittarius. Not you. You do Strowman’s Running Powerslam. Because a body slam is such a “from point A to point B” type of move. But you like to lift your opponents onto your shoulder like they’re a wholesale-sized bag of dog food and you run Sagittarius. You run from point A, to B, to C, to D, and you slam your friend’s character in the game somewhere around point Y, or Z. And when your friend says, “I’m tired of losing…can we order a pizza?” You say to them, “No. I take the road less traveled. I want Peruvian food. And I’d also like to travel away from not playing. We shall continue to play, and I shall continue to destroy you. I take the road less traveled.”  

CAPRICORN

Capricorn. You don’t mess around. Neither does Asuka’s Asuka Lock, which totally makes sense as your WWE finishing move. Others may see you as serious and traditional, but when you’ve got that Asuka Lock on them all they’re gonna see is that they’re about to lose the match, because you’ve got a grip on them that’s tighter than your abuelo’s abnormally strong handshake. Why do all abuelos have that grip, though? My hand hurts just thinking about it…And just like your abuelo makes you panic everytime he holds out his hand to saludar, so will your enemies when you play as Asuka.  

AQUARIUS

Aquarius, you’re a little bit of a peacock, and that’s meant in a good way. Your finishing move is Rey Mysterio’s 619. And it makes sense. You have panache. You’ve got style. You’ve got dance moves that make your mom wanna tell you, “deberías ir a la iglesia más seguido (you should go to church more often).” The 619 is a special move. It’s got style. It’s got excitement. And it’s got you swinging two boots like a roundhouse kick at your opponent’s face. Listen to the stars, Aquarius…the stars want you to kick your opponent in the face.    

PISCES

Pisces, you are artistic. You’re a dreamer. You go with the flow. So when you flatten your opponents like handmade tortillas, you bet your mother’s enchiladas you’re using Alexa Bliss’s Twisted Bliss. Not only is this finisher a true work of art, but when your amiga sees you soaring off the top turnbuckle in the game, she’ll suddenly get the urge to apologize for all the wrong she’s ever done to you: like when she said your brother reminds her of that sexy reggaeton artist. Because as soon as that Twisted Bliss connects and her character in the game is totally norteada, her only hope of survival is that you have mercy on her. But WWE 2K Battlegrounds isn’t about mercy. If she wanted mercy, she should’ve played dominoes with her mom.

WWE 2K Battlegrounds is out NOW! Whatever your zodiac sign, this game is loaded with finishers from tons of WWE Superstars that totally align with your cosmic energy. So get ready to spend hours of fun drop kicking your friends in the back of the head, crashing your brother through a table, and giving your cousins spears, rock bottoms, and glam slams – because this game takes wrestling to new heights with over-the-top action you won’t get anywhere else. 

As promised, here’s the WWE 2K Battlegrounds trailer!

*Please don’t try these moves at home. No. Not even with a helmet.* 

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