11 Stages People Who Can’t Handle Weed Go Through When They Get High (As Told By Cats)
Well, it might not be 4/20, but people keep offering me weed and I know what that means: I’m going to have to explain to everyone I meet why I can’t partake. It’s not that I have a problem with weed. It’s that I never have a good time while high. I’ve tried, many times, and every time, I end up regretting it with every part of my soul. If you’re like me, you might be able to relate to the stages I’ve gone every time I’ve ever been high. I’m sure you’ll relate with at least one of the stages below.
Usually, a few friends are hanging out. One of them passes me a joint. It’s been a while, and I’m like…
What’s the worst that could happen? This isn’t “Reefer Madness,” right?
So I take a hit and my throat is on fire. I can’t stop coughing. OMG what am I doing…
?BOOM? It’s “Reefer Madness.”
Stage 1: I’m, like, instantly too high. As if a weed-bomb had been thrown on my head.
Yeah, not like “fun high” either. I’m knee-deep in bat country, if you know what I mean. And I can’t help but feel like my throat is on fire.
And immediately I regret my decision. WHY, BABY JESUS???????
Whyyy did I do this to myself? AGAIN.
Stage 2: Everything feels different. How come I’d never noticed my ears are so fluffly?
Something is terribly wrong.
My friends are having a great time as I start to melt down. I feel outside of the club.
They’re having the time of their life, in fact.
So I remind myself: “You never get high, that’s why it feels so bad. Just act normal.”
Yeah, that’s it. I’ll just act normal. I look totally normal, right? You’re not that high. You got this.
Stage 3: I try to sober up by focusing on something.
But I realize I’m way higher than I originally thought.
I don’t remember my hands doing that before. I lost control over my body OMG.
Yeah, it’s just weed, but I see and hear things that aren’t there when I’m high.
Stage 4: Someone tries to talk to me and it goes terribly. Please go away. GO AWAY.
I am so not ready to make small talk.
My attempt at verbal communication leaves a lot to be desired. Have I suddenly learned to speak hungarian?
The words I make with my mouth don’t match the voices in my head.
So I try blinking out some morse code. Get-me-outta-here.
My attempts at communication have failed and I’m not having fun.
Stage 5: I’m so done with being high. Can somebody show me where is the “turn off” button? I’m completely desperate.
Please go away stoned feeling.
But I can’t just get un-high. It’s only going to get worse before it gets better.
This is supposed to be fun?
Stage 6: Mid freakout, my friends realize I’m not okay. But they’re all so high the first thing they do is laugh. Not joking.
Everything is too overwhelming.
They realize I’m freaking out and ask me if they can do something to make me feel better. I respond:
They tell me to relax, close my eyes, or meditate. But that just makes things worse. I mean it.
Anxiety is at an all time high and I can’t even remember what I was thinking about two minutes ago.
Stage 7: Now I believe all conspiracies I’ve ever heard. I don’t wanna leave this corner ever again in life.
This is supposed to be fun and all I can think about is how there’s probably going to be a problem.
And I’m getting super paranoid and suspicious of everyone. And even of myself (if I’m really me why is this cat my spirit animal?).
WHICH ? FRIEND ? IS ? READING ? MY ? THOUGHTS? And why is this cat my spirit animal?
Stage 8: The munchies. Rice with peanut butter and tuna has never tasted so delicious. Btw, I had no idea my stomach could handle so much food.
My friends offer me food, but I’m still too paranoid to eat it.
Give me another carrot juice with canned beans, I just need food right now otherwise my belly might kill me.
Suddenly food has a new meaning and food just tastes way better.
Stage 9: Fetal position. For me, this is the best part of being high so far.
Life hack: curling up can protect you from bears and bad highs.
Stage 10: Making it to the other side. There certainly is life beyond those gray walls.
I’m over the hump. I can feel my senses returning to me and the fear and anxiety are washed away and I feel like I’m finally crawling out of the pit of despair. It’s great!
Stage 11: Short-term memory loss. Usually a few friends are hanging out. One of them passes a joint to me. It’s been a while, and I’m like…
What’s the worst that can happen? LOL.