Culture

He Has A Student Visa, But This Migrant Says Dating Is Hard Because Everyone Assumes He Wants A Green Card

Writer Kalle Oskari Mattila who moved to New York from Finland using a student visa obtained through his Columbia University admittance penned a personal essay detailing how xenophobia has permeated his dating life. Mattila says that his immigration status inevitably comes up on dates, and guys expect detailed responses from him. 

He believes this ongoing pattern he has noticed is due to the United States’ tumultuous relationship with immigration policy. Mattila posits that if everyone in the country is preoccupied with who is “allowed” to be there and who might be getting removed, it can be hard to imagine yourself dating an immigrant or worse, you might convince yourself they’re only after a green card. 

Stereotypes about immigrants marrying for green cards have always pervaded American media. 

“As it becomes harder to immigrate to the United States, the idea of the green-card marriage looms ever larger. TV shows like “90-Day Fiancé” perpetuate an image of immigrants who will go to extreme lengths to secure a green card from a relationship,” Mattila writes in the Washington Post. 

The Seattle Globalist noted that while marriage rates in the U.S. have declined, “green card marriages” have remained rather high. They cited the example of Oregon’s first lady Sylvia Hayes’ admission that she had previously married an Ethiopian immigrant for $5,000 so that he could stay in the country. 

In 2011, out of 270,000 marriage-based green cards, only 3,924 were discovered to fraudulent. Thus, the practice remains largely in the minority, and the stereotype can be harmful to immigrants who are just, well, trying to date. 

“Here, a steady immigration status seems to be a prerequisite for a stable relationship. Generally, I’ve dated liberal, big-city, educated people who believe in open immigration. Yet when it comes to their dating lives, they often resemble vigilant border-control agents,” Mattila said. 

He would then be forced to explain what an F1 student visa is, and when they’d ask how he is was still in the country after completing graduate school, he would explain to them he was allowed through a program called OPT. 

“Well, as a full-time writer,” Mattila would tell them so that he would sound more like a catch. “I qualify for something called the O-1. It’s a visa for people of extraordinary ability. Justin Bieber is on it and so is Hugh Jackman. Most people think Melania Trump married for her green card, but she actually got her visa because she proved herself to be extraordinary in modeling.”

Mattila noticed that his supposedly open-minded friends saw being an immigrant as a downgrade.

“My American friends have shared stories of how they’ve blocked people on Tinder the minute they’ve gotten an inkling that a prospect might be after a green card,” he wrote. 

A previous relationship of his resulted in his boyfriend dumping him after accusing him of only wanting a green card.

“I’d been accepted for graduate school and would begin my studies under a four-year F1 visa — a visa I’d earned on my merits — he told me he wanted to end things,” Mattilda wrote. “Later that night, he yelled at me, saying I’d used him. He implied I’d been in it for the green card.” 

The responses from friends and prospective love interests has left Mattila so deflated he stopped dating altogether. Instead, he is focusing on his career and entering the next phase of the immigration process. 

“I don’t want my dating life to resemble a never-ending immigration interview, where I have to make a case for myself, hoping the person across the table sees me as extraordinary enough to let through. I deserve to have a say in that, too,” he said. 

Stereotypes about immigrants damage the public perception of them.

According to the Atlantic, a study conducted by USC Annenberg’s Norman Lear Center and the journalist Jose Antonio Vargas’s nonprofit, Define American, found that stereotypes were pervasive on television shows that aired between 2017 and 2018. The organization analyzed 143 episodes of television from 47 different series that aired during the time frame. 

“TV immigrants in the study also tended to adhere to stereotypical associations with crime, incarceration, and low education levels. Though multiple studies have shown that immigrants don’t commit more crime than native-born citizens, 34 percent of TV immigrants were linked to a past or current crime, and 11 percent of characters were mentioned in reference to a current, previous, or future incarceration,” according to the Atlantic

A study by the University of Chicago found surveyed 1,500 non-Latinx whites, they found that someone’s immigration status determined their perception of whether they had committed a crime. 

As long as the rhetoric of the President and media portrays immigrants as criminals, immigrants will be viewed as untrustworthy. It’s no surprise that these attitudes go beyond the institutional and enter our everyday lives.

Here’s How To Maintain A Long-Lasting And Healthy Relationship According To Advice From Reddit Grandmas

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Here’s How To Maintain A Long-Lasting And Healthy Relationship According To Advice From Reddit Grandmas

@Samkelwe14 / Twitter

When it comes to relationships, there’s no doubt that some good advice can go a long way. Whether you’re in your early days or headed down the aisle, we found the best advice Reddit could give for you to apply for your blossoming relationship.

Check it out below!

Do two tasks for your partner and don’t make a big deal out of it.

“For me, my grandfather gave me the best advice. He said, ‘choose two things to do around the house that she never has to ask you to do. Do the best job you can do and take pride in it but never draw attention to or complain about it. Just do it and expect nothing in return.’ I cook dinner and do the dishes/cleanup cooking messes. It took my wife almost a year to notice. When she did however I would find my laundry was magically done on its own, folded and put away. When I told her she doesn’t have to do my laundry she stated “you always cook and clean for me! I figured it was the least I could do!” – u/Ironwolf9876

Be selfless between the sheets

” I feel like this same goes for sex – do that little bit extra to make your partner feel sexy and special every time. A little bit of selflessness on both sides adds up to a world of extra pleasure for each.” – philipjeremypatrick

Don’t always go for 50/50.

“The one I heard is “healthy relationships are not 50/50. Each person should be putting in 100%.” – reddit user

Give your S.O. the benefit of the doubt.

“The best relationship advice I have heard came from an interview Michael J Fox did where he talked about how his marriage had lasted so long. He said ‘We give each other the benefit of the doubt.’ If your SO does something thatakes you worried, angry or sad, ask them to tell you their side of the story before you let your emotions run wild. There is probably a reasonable explanation and a good reason for how he/she acted. That will help avoid a lot of conflicts and foster trust.” – Loive

If you’re arguing to win you’ve already lost.

“You shouldn’t be arguing trying to prove that you’re right or that she is wrong. You should be communicating what you each see the situation as and come to a mutual understanding or agreement. Relationships aren’t a competition. Even if you guys end up not agreeing, at least you’ll know why it upsets the other person and will know not to do that because it negatively affects them.” – cdotace

Be sure they’re the one.

“My mother asked me the night i proposed to my wife if i was sure i wanted to be with her. It made me mad in the moment, but i realized she made a valid point. 6 years and twin boys later, I have never been more sure about a decision in my life. Thanks mom.” – sillysimon12

Get married when you’re poor.

“I was fortunate enough to be invited to a party where there were several elderly couples. At the time, I was in my early twenties, and decided to take advantage of the opportunity. A couple in attendance had been married for over 60 years. I asked them, “What advice do you have for a young person like me? The woman said, ‘Get married when you’re dirt poor…’ My mind was blown. I thought to myself, “Wow, that is some incredible advice. Literally start a life together, and build it up from nothing. That would create an unbreakable bond and friendship.’ Then she finished with ‘… so you can’t afford to get divorced!'” – MutantCoach

Say I love you before you leave for work in the morning.

“1. Say I love you (and mean it) every morning before you leave for work. You may not see them again. 2. If they regularly do something small that annoys you, first see if you are able to stop being annoyed by it before asking them to change.” – Reddit user 

How do you do the little things.

“To achieve an amazing relationship, you need to consider what you do in the little things. What your girlfriend/wife is like when she greets you at the front door, over the table at breakfast, etc. These little things add up to 80% of the success of your relationship. Dedicate yourself and be focused completely in the moment in these little moments and you will achieve the best relationship that you have ever had.” – ImpulseTee

Carry the load. Know it’s like moving a sofa.

“I heard a comic once say a relationship is like moving a heavy, awkward sofa up 3 flights of stairs. The whole time you’re talking to the other person, and you wonder if they’re carrying their load, and it can be tough. But its easier than doing it alone.”  – beingtwiceasnice

Be on the same page before you get married.

“Being in love with someone is a good reason to date them, but not necessarily marry them. People fall in love all the time but if the two of you don’t agree on the important life decisions (kids, religion, fiscal responsibility, etc.) then your marriage is likely to face some serious challenges.” – bdd1001

A Man Ripped Into a Woman For Not Wanting To Buy Him Red Lobster and Twitter Had Some Thoughts

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A Man Ripped Into a Woman For Not Wanting To Buy Him Red Lobster and Twitter Had Some Thoughts

Red Lobster

*WARNING* a derogatory term casually used by the Twitter user profiled in this piece is in the exact opposite of our views and values*

Recently, a thread by @RoblesTeonna made the popular casual dining chain restaurant Red Lobster start to trend on Twitter. After Robles shared a text exchange between her and a man she was dating on social media, her 2,500 followers took to Twitter to express their opinions on the bizarre saga.

It all started when Robles posted a screenshot of a shocking interaction she had with a man she was seeing. In the text exchange, Robles shares some photos of delicious-looking tacos with a mystery man, asking him if he wants any. “I know you’re craving Red Lobster,” she says in the text convo. “But I also don’t have much money after paying my bills and it would just be easier on me”.

Instead of being grateful for Teonna’s offer to bring him food, the unidentified man instead responds callously, telling her not to “ask me what I want to eat [and] then tell me to pick something else ever again”.

Robles, understandably upset over the man’s rude response, tells him that she doesn’t like the way he’s speaking to her. “I’m offering to get you food & going out of my way to do so,” she explains to him. She then further explains that if he wants to continue to treat her so poorly, she’ll no longer associate with him.

The man takes his reaction even further by telling her that she shouldn’t have been trying to “play a position” she wasn’t “fit for”. Presumably, he is talking about the fact that she offering to buy him food and then later told him she didn’t have enough money for what he was asking for. “You’re clearly not on my level,” he told her. “And can’t afford to support a man of my caliber”. 

Needless to say, Teonna’s Twitter users had some strong opinions over this man’s entitled behavior. 

@RoblesTeonna’s post quickly went viral, racking up almost 37,000 likes, over 4,000 comments and over 8,000 retweets. Not only were her followers shocked by his surprising reaction to not getting Red Lobster, they were also shocked by his insistence that the woman he dates should “support” him–especially when that woman makes it clear that she’s short on cash due to paying her own bills. 

Although there is a pervasive belief that women resort to “hustling” men for dates in order to get free meals, the situation proves that the attitude of entitlement goes both ways. There are a myriad of different ways people of all genders use others to fulfill their own agendas. People were quick to point out this man’s hypocrisy with comments like, “Imagine demanding from someone else, what you can’t even provide yourself. Humans are exhausting”.

After @RoblesTeonna’s account of her experience with this man, the man decided to tell his side of the story. Spoiler alert: he does not come off as a hero.

After being contacted by someone via Facebook to address the situation, the man (who is identified as “Shawn”) explains that he and Teonna were not dating, although she “wanted to claim [him] as her man”. According to Shawn, he was not yet interested in Teonna, because “she’s not the only woman trying to impress [him]” and he “cannot just sit and give any woman a relationship with [him]”.

Thankfully, the entire internet had Teonna’s back enough to publicly explain the multiple reason why she’s better than this low-life man.

Contrary to what “Shawn” believes about himself, any person who treats another person like this (regardless of gender) is not worth the time of day. Periodt.

This person made a valid point about how this man was whining about something he could have easily provided for himself.

It’s obvious that this man doesn’t have the ability to provide for himself, so he relies on the women in his life to fill that need.

A lot of people were pointing out the absurdity of thinking that Red Lobster is the peak of American fine dining. 

It’s not like Red Lobster is some Michelin-rated gourmet food. It’s pretty much “Applebee’s Of the Sea”.

This person perfectly pointed out the hypocrisy of Shawn’s argument.

Presumably, a person of “high caliber” wouldn’t need to be supported, because they would have the resources to support themselves.

Even the reigning Queen of Twitter, Chrissy Teigen, got in on the fun:

Finally, a voice of reason among all this nonsense.