Culture

20 Reasons Spring Cleaning In A Latino Home Is Cleaning Like No Other

People love to talk about spring cleaning as if it’s not something we were dragged out of bed every Saturday morning to do all 52 weeks out of the year. Seriously. How many times did you spend a Saturday morning at home cleaning everything in the house? You were never allowed to just tidy things up. No. You have to lift the furniture and make sure that every inch of the floor was swept, mopped and bleached to mami and abuela’s liking. Here are a few examples of how Latinos take that Spring Cleanign idea to a whole new level.

1. Spring Break = Spring Cleaning

CREDIT: @gogocyncyn / Instagram

I mean, did you ever *actually* look forward to spring break? This is the week that your mom tells you, “What? You have something better to do? Dále.”

2. There’s only one way to trapeando.

CREDIT: @stefers12 / Twitter

And that’s with a cuban mop. The classic way to do this is with an old towel, your mop, and a bucket. But of course, your mami has a system…

3. And it would be nothing without mistolín.

CREDIT: @AngelRTalk / Twitter

You have two buckets: one filled with mistolín and water, and another that becomes the aqua sucio. Once you smell that lavanda scent, you know your day is over.

4. You’ll miss the days of complaining about being stuck on the sofa…

CREDIT: @wiremuch / Twitter

Because once she started mopping, it was a cardinal sin to touch the floors. Try going one week without hearing, “No toque el piso!”

5. Because these days, if you miss a spot, you’re done.

CREDIT: Avoid The Office GIF. Digital Image. GIPHY. 7 May 2018.

She’ll probably just clean everything all over again while muttering under her breath how she has to do everything and how ungrateful you are. There’s no winning. Don’t even try.

6. On the rare occasion, the fam retires old food containers for NEW food containers.

CREDIT: @busan_wonbin / Twitter

It’s always a fun surprise when you open the mantequilla tupper to find pozole. Mama likes to switch it up once a month though to keep you on your toes.

7. Verdad, we’re actually very eco-friendly spring cleaners.

CREDIT: mitú

Only tontas buy dish towels. Just reuse old T-shirts and towels for cleaning! The best feeling? When your mom volunteers your favorite old t-shirts that you’ve been missing, and know you can’t say shit when you finally find it in your mother’s hand, wiping up bathroom grime.

8. Spring cleaning also means reusing old clothes to make pillows, or vice versa.

CREDIT: Calvin Klein. Digital Image. GIPHY. 7 May 2018.

One time, my mom spent hours sewing an old curtain onto my jeans as patches (circa 2006), and was devastated when it seemed I was embarrassed. Naturally, I had to wear them to school, and had to suffer. #TheLatinoWay

9. There are some things you can never purge though.

CREDIT: @guinithahb / Twitter

Honestly, I’m shaking for this Twitter user. *Does Sign of the Cross* Pray that her mom never sees this post.

10. Like VapoRub.

CREDIT: @heteroalexual / Twitter

Nobody cares if there’s nothing left in the canister. You can still pop open the cap and the healing powers of it’s stench will clear your congestion, your headache and your depression. Keep it close, mija.

11. It wouldn’t be any kind of cleaning day without Fabuloso.

CREDIT: Fabuloso. Digital Image. Walmart. 7 May 2018.

Just toss that shit on the patio, on your floors and wipe away! Ever notice that it streaks rainbow?

12. Latinos know best, UCF.

CREDIT: @chiapanther / Twitter

This Twitter user shared the obvious solution with University of Central Florida. Psh, they really need some Latinos on their management staff.

13. And mothers everywhere are teaching their daughters young how to clean right.

CREDIT: @karlaceliss / Twitter

I’ll confess, I’m a little riled up over this. Can someone please give their son cleaning toys and end machismo already?!

14. How you know you’re Latino: You need counter space to clean the oven.

CREDIT: @miastasha / Twitter

Because you store all your pots, pans and even cutting boards in the oven. This is a labor intensive job, friends.

15. And you know the time has come when certain songs come on.

CREDIT: @ohhermosaluna / Twitter

For me, it was Ricky Martin. TBH, it still is. He’s a family hero and his music makes me want to dance, sing, and hide all at the same time.

16. Don’t forget to wipe the dust off the fake fruit.

CREDIT: @THEINFlNITYWAR / Twitter

Will someone please help a girl understand why we need so much fake fruit? And why I was always stuck wiping the grapes, the most notoriously difficult to clean fruit?!

17. P.S. the cleaning never stops.

CREDIT: GIPHY

If you don’t seem busy, or if, God forbid, you seem bored, prepare yourself for an afternoon of weeding or an afternoon of being made to feel like a POS. Every mom is different, but those are kinda the only two options where I come from.

18. The few days after cleaning, you better walk on eggshells.

If you leave even a single fork in the sink, it’s, “Nobody loves me. Who here respects my time? Nadie?! Fine, then nobody will miss me when I’m gone!” And then, while your mom fumes away from the house, your dad and siblings all spend the afternoon cleaning and cooking to prove your love for her.

19. So you did everything right?!

spring cleaning
CREDIT: @camila_cabello / Instagram

There will be no praise. Just, “Why can’t you be like this every day?” Until next sabado, mami!

28 Dichos Your Mom Told You That Made You Need Therapy

Culture

28 Dichos Your Mom Told You That Made You Need Therapy

As we’ve made our way into mainstream culture, we’ve inevitably had a non-Latino friend shooketh at the shit our moms put us through. They said one day we’d thank them, and this is mitú’s tribute to all the cray cray and our present day thoughts.

How many of these did your mom say? Comment with any we missed!

1. “When I was your age…”

It’s an oldie but a goodie. When Mama was my age, she could only afford to eat one slice of New York pizza a day and modeling for Barbizon three buses across the city. And I’m just “eating shit” on the computer (welcome to 2018, ma’, life and work is on the computer!).

2. “I have to do everything because you can’t do anything right.”

Response: a sarcastic smile and sarcastic bow to the queen.

Yeah, she’s going to hit you for that one.

3. “You don’t know how to turn the tortilla but you want a boyfriend.”

YES, MOM. Any boy that’s with me is going to have to flip their own tortilla. #Feminism

4. “See, I told you.”

“Ok, but I literally just fell out of a tree and broke my leg. Please, help?”

5. “Do you think I was born yesterday?”

hated when I heard this because it meant that my mom had made up some elaborate conspiracy theory that I had to disprove. I sweaaaar, we’re not up to anything! We’re angels! ?

6. “God will punish you.”

When you did something so “bad” that she is just too disgusted to deal with you and let’s slip these three words: ?

7. “This house isn’t your hotel.”

Or better yet, “Do you think I’m your maid?” We’re children. We play with LEGOS. Let us be.

8. “Because I’m your mother.”

The jig is up folks. You think you’ve got logic and reason on your side, but as soon as she whips this one out, it’s all over. Don’t even try to argue.

9. “Son of a ____”

Filter? What filter? You mom has probably called you this to your face, pero liike, what is she saying about herself? ?

10. “Calm down before I make you calm down.”

I have chills. The full effect is in Spanish and I vow to never say this to my children. A variation might be, “Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.” YEESH.

11. “Who asked you?”

Oh you have an opinion, eh? Keep it to yourself, estupida. Do you need therapy yet? Let’s keep going.

12. “Do what you want”

Alright, so that sounds supportive right? Nope. This is code for “It’s your choice, but it’s a terrible one and I will chew you out alive if you go through with this.”

13. “Because you’re a fool”

Someone help me translate this. Basically, your mom was just like, “by way of you being a fool, of course this happened.” Two words can pack a punch.

14. Literal translation: “Go with caution.”

What she’s actually saying: “I’m this close to beating the shit out of you. Be careful what you say next.”

15. Literally, “Take that face off or you’ll see how it’s going to go in the house.”

What she’s actually saying: “Lose the sour face or we’ll see how it really looks when we get home (and I can explode in the privacy of our home).”

16. “Come so I can give you something to cry about.”

Sometimes, when I was sobbing, my mom would just pinch me really hard or yank my ear and tell me, “this is what real pain feels like.” OK, at this point, I’m concerned that my younger self but I promise she’s a really sweet lady.

17. “Who gave you permission to leave, eh?”

Your free will is a privilege in this house, you hear me? Never leave the house without permission.

18. “Sit better, you’re a lady.”

Yeah, your mom can talk about how your brothers need to take up all the space in the backseat so their fcking cojones can breath and I’m supposed to shrink. #NoGracias #SmashThePatriarchy #ImNoLady

19. “Get your shit together.”

You probably heard this around your school work a lot, and while your mom would not tutor you in anything but Spanish class, she always had this wise dicho for you. Thanks, mom!

20. “You already greeted everyone?”

There is nothing more important that your mom showing off the perfect gentleman or señorita she raised. You must greet everyone on each cheek or she’ll get you.

21. “Oh but last night it’s all party.”

This one comes at you early Saturday morning when she barges in your room with the cleaning supplies at 7am and you say you’re tired. I don’t know where Latina moms get their energy but maybe it comes with age? I’m praying.

22. “I’m mopping, don’t touch the floor!”

Is that a trick question? Nope! When el trapeando begins, the floor is lava and if you touch it you’ll feel the wrath of a thousand volcanos. It was the perfect excuse to stay on the couch and watch TV. 🙂

23. “Como que what, tell me mande.”

Never tell your Mexican mother, ‘como que.’ It’s a cardinal sin. Always say ‘mande’ if you want to keep your life.

24. “Be nice.”

You know how when you’re invited somewhere, it’s not about you, it’s about keeping up appearances. Well, she don’t care if you’re in a bad mood, your mama is going to tell you to be nice and shut down your mood. #ReasonsWhyWereCodependent

25. “Turn down the music, you’re going to become deaf.”

I truly believed my mom when she told me that as Avril Lavigne was blasting through my boom box. Like, I seriously feared I was going deaf.

26. “If I find it, you’re in trouble.”

Here’s your next move: run to your room, pray to St. Anthony that she never finds it and that you find it, and then pray to the Virgin Mary that your mom has mercy on you.

27. “I do everything for you and this is how you repay me?”

Usually, you’re feeling pretty shitty at this point, because it’s true. Our moms do everything for us, and Latina moms seem to sacrifice more than anyone, and give endlessly to us. I can hear my mom telling me this right now after reading this article. ?

.

.

.

I’M SO SORRY. TE AMO.

28. “What are you going to do the day I die?”

Moms love to talk about the day the die as leverage for forgiveness, or, in probably most cases, as a way to manipulate us into gratitude. Pero verdad, we can’t think about that day because we love our crazy ass moms so much, that the thought of a drama-free life feels like death to us. #VivaLaMama!

You Probably Did Saturday Morning House Cleaning To These Songs And Didn’t Realize They Were Sexual AF

comedy

You Probably Did Saturday Morning House Cleaning To These Songs And Didn’t Realize They Were Sexual AF

Saturday mornings in your household probably started a lot like mine. The windows were flung all the way open, letting the chilly morning air in. The cross breeze used to be enough to wake you up, but you learned to bring an extra blanket to bed with you to stay soundly asleep just a little longer. If the Mistolín didn’t get you next, it was the Clorox Bleach or ammonia vapors creeping in, making your eyes bleed with tears. And if you were truly a human monster and could sleep through aaaalll of that, the music turned up to 1000 blasting through the carefully curated sound system in your living room got you.

Boleros, salsa, merengue, bachata or OG reggaeton songs by El General were the Saturday morning alarm clock waking you up. What you didn’t realize then though is that our parents were freaks. Those “romance” songs were full of innuendo and metaphors that were downright dirty. I kind of feel like giving my mom a high five for getting down like that, but every time I think about it I almost start puking. So I’ll keep my cheers to myself as I go down memory lane, thinking of all the songs I didn’t realize I should’ve been covering my ears for.

Juan Luis Guerra – “Burbujas De Amor”

Credit: VideosMusicaVEVO/ YouTube

As a kid I had no idea what he meant with lyrics like “quisiera ser un pez/ para tocar mi nariz en tu pecera” (“I’d like to be a fish rubbing my nose in your fishbowl”). We can all understand now that he was basically saying “let me put my this in your that.” Guerra also sings “mojado en ti,” meaning “wet by you.” If you’re drenched IN someone else, you’re going to need more than a Kleenex to handle that mess.

El General – “Tu Pum Pum”

Credit: Michael Ellis/ YouTube

When you grow up with drums and rhythm in your life, hearing a reggaeton beat for the first time speaks to you. That’s what happened when I heard El General’s “Tu Pum Pum” when I was a kid. I didn’t mind scrubbing the tub if I could jam, too. Little didn’t I know “Tu Pum Pum” is a song dedicated to lady parts. If I had known the line “Tu pum pum digo se van a estirar” meant your “pum pum” is going to get stretched, I would’ve cut the cord on my mom’s stereo.

Luis Miguel – “Suave”

Credit: Warner Music/ YouTube

If you’re not paying attention, the sexuality of “Suave” will pass you by. As a kid, this Luis Miguel classic had me doing The Carlton anytime it played. When Luismi sings “nuestros cuerpos no quieren parar” (“our bodies don’t want to stop”), I though he was singing about having fun dancing. It really wasn’t until I saw the music video, which features very little dancing (a few shoulder shimmies by Luismi, at best) that I realized it was a sexy song. Also, the video has some real threesome vibes. Stranger still, the main love interests in the video have branches and twigs in their hair. Role play, much?

Julio Iglesias – “Bacalao”

Credit: JulioIglesiasVevo/ YouTube

I don’t know how this one even got past me. When this song came out I was about to hit my teens and I still couldn’t make the connection. It’s dedicated to how much he loves bacalao. You know, cod fish. You’ve never heard a man talk so sexually about this particular fish. He sings “pues como tu bacalao / yo no he probado otro igual,” meaning I haven’t tasted a fish like yours. Fam, word? You couldn’t think of a better euphemism for lady parts than fish? Who let you out of the house, grandpa?

La Sonora Dinamita – “Mi Cucu”

Credit: uhbytube/ YouTube

When you’re an innocent child, if you hear the word “cucu” you just assume people are saying “cukoo,” as in crazy. That’s funny and acceptable, especially for kids. Nothing untoward there, right? Except, wrong, the song’s about a woman’s “cucu.” Based on the song’s overall lyrics, it sounds like “cucu” might possibly, most definitely be about butts. The song goes “tan bello tu cucu, redondito y suavecito,” or “so beautiful your cucu, round and smooth.” These might’ve been the best lyrics about butts until Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” took that thrown. And there I was, just sweeping the floors, singing about “cucus” while shaking my own.

It’s probably better I didn’t know what these songs meant while cleaning. Although, it should have come as no surprise that my mom was listening to these undercover freaky jams back in the day. I mean, I’m sure that’s how I got made.

Excuse me while I go puke. ?


READ: 11 Things Every Guy Dreads Every Time He’s Asked To Be A Chambelan


What songs did you sing as a kid while cleaning on Saturday mornings without knowing they were actually sexy songs? Share with your siblings with the links below!